Had an emotional affair and partner can't get past it...
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 06-08-2010, 07:49 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Had an emotional affair and partner can't get past it...

My partner and I have been together for 9 years and have 2 small children. We had the perfect relationship for a long time, then kids, work, and daily life seem to get in the way.

I recently had an emotional affair with a friend. My partner found out. I told her most everything at first and she said she can't get past it and convinced me she wasn't in love with me so I turned to my friend for a week and pursued her....she turned me down and I think it was because she knew I was still in love with my partner. The complicated thing is that my friend is also my partner's friend and they are still talking. I told my partner I said a lot of things that I didn't really mean I was afraid to be alone and the friend went and told her in details.

Now my partner says she can't get past what I did. I know she still loves me and is still in love with me, but she just can't get past it. I asked her to go to counseling and she won't. We are still living together (complicated story) for at least another year. I have been trying not to push her or talk about it (after we talked about it unless she brings it up) and show her I appreciate her and regret everything I did. Everyone says she just needs time, but I am not sure time will make a difference. I just don't know what to do??? Help!
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Old 06-10-2010, 03:07 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Had an emotional affair and partner can't get past it...

Hmm. I wonder why she refuses to forgive? Forgiveness is a choice, has nothing to do with how terrible one feels after a betrayal. Any thoughts?

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Lyn
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Old 06-10-2010, 06:51 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Had an emotional affair and partner can't get past it...

You need to look up on this site what Plan A is and start doing this.....It can turn things around slowly.......she needs to be able to trust you again, this is what is gone......be transparent with her and for heavens sake don't hide anything from her again......
Next you have to do some self searching and figure out why you had to have an EA, something must be wrong in the relationship or with you, figure that out.....and put fixes into place to remedy that .
Don't give up with a little work you can turn this around, but it has to be done the right way......check it out.....lots of people here to help as well.....
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Old 06-10-2010, 07:28 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Had an emotional affair and partner can't get past it...

In the month I have been on this forum I have not seen an issue like this. But I am not surprised to see it. I have wondered how I would have reacted if my wife had been sorry about the affair and asked for forgiveness. Would this have empowered me to be a nasty person? Would I have felt like I was in control and treated my wife badly? It didn't happen that way, but it could have. What do others think? What are the dynamics when the betrayed spouse is asked to forgive?
Your situation is similar to mine in some respects. Once I learned of the affair, everything I did was wrong (I realized this after doing my reading). You have been thinking about your own pain. Your needs will be met by meeting her needs. Likely, there is no quick fix. The affair is over so you can move forward more easily. Go to Marriage Builders and read everything you can. The Harleys will enlighten you. There is much for you to learn about women and man.
Attitude is very important. All positive all the time. This will be emotionally draining. You can't do it forever, but you can do it for months. And I do mean months. You are not going back to the way things were. You are going to make things better. I don't recall where I read these principles that I am embrassing. Don't do any of these things: Panic, Plead, Threaten, Coerce, Manipulate or Convince.
You should do marriage counselling with a pro marriage counsellor. You can get help on Marriage Builders. I would really suggest this.
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Old 06-10-2010, 08:17 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Had an emotional affair and partner can't get past it...

The dynamics vary from one couple to the other. In our case, we had a strong marriage and were very close, which helped to prop up the illusion that an affair could never happen to us.

When he told me, I could not believe it, but when I found out who it was, I knew it was true because of what a manipulative, conniving person she had been at another time in his life.

It didn't occur to me to end our marriage, there was too much there. I did decide that I would try my best to not inflame the situation. There was no screaming, but that's not to say there wasn't tears, heartache, etc. I made the decision to forgive, however, forgiveness still has to go through the wringer, too. I was in shock for weeks before I started to thaw out and fall apart.

My husband got on board with me and although it was a learning experience for the both of us, he tried to conform to my needs and did very well. There were a few slip-ups with him forgetting to call me if he was going to be late, etc., and some resulting tension and anger, but he has really poured himself into showing me how much he loves me.

I'm of the opinion that an affair is not necessarily the end of a marriage...chronic cheating is another matter. The most important thing is a commitment to honesty and transparency and a plan to avoid people who want to interfere in a person's marriage. No lunches with members of the opposite sex, and when things begin to warm up with another person, inject, "Let me tell you about my wife/husband."

We won't be caught off-guard again.

Best,

Lyn
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Old 06-12-2010, 07:17 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Had an emotional affair and partner can't get past it...

thanks everyone for your replies.

My biggest problem and why plan A and B won't work is because she won't spend any time with me. She is always finding something to do and stays out all night. She is now "talking" to someone else. She says she isn't gong to her right now, but I don't quite believe her. The only time we spend together she is texting and chatting. We do things as a family, but she pretty much ignores me. She is also seeing the "friend" a lot and I think every time she does we take 3 steps back because it just reminds her of what I did. She says she doesn't want to make it work because I broke her heart and she can never trust me again. I really am beginning to think it is over.
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Old 06-12-2010, 07:43 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Had an emotional affair and partner can't get past it...

Here is the thing about trust: when the person who hurt the other is pouring everything they can back into the relationship, there comes a point when the wounded partner has to decide whether they are going to go forward and stop punishing their partner or if they want to, frankly, hold the feet of their partner to the fire.

She won't spend time with you. I'm sorry about that. I wouldn't let her push me around and string me along, though, if it were me.

Best,

Lyn
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