You know, Tanelorn and I try to set the example and be a lighthouse for folks in some pretty dark and stormy days. We try to keep up here in the "Coping with Infidelity" forum and do our best to comment where we think we might do some good, but it dawned on me last night that folks here might have a question for us directly ('cuz inquiring minds DO want to know ), may have a question you want to ask about your situation and we haven't spotted you yet, or may want to just ask if we'd read your thread and comment!
So I thought I'd start this thread so if you'll want us, we are in one easy, consolidated place. I also thought this would be a good place to put some of the stuff we type out over and over (like to reference the 7 steps about how to end an affair). That way, again, it's all in one easy place.
Sooooo...let the games begin! Who's gonna be first?
Hi, I have read your website on the 7 steps on how to end an affair. My husband is having emotional affair, more like outside girlfriend at this stage, no sex yet. I have reached step 5 - carrot and stick. However when I request that he stop contacting the girl, he refused. He said that if in anyway I disturb the girl to break up with him, then he will leave me. He has resentment for things that I have done in the past. Even when I tried to change, he said I was just acting out. He said he will give me time to see if I sincerely change but will keep on contacting the girl in the meantime. It's hard to have "Love Kinders" when he openly reject any advances from me. The only good thing is we still live together and he try to act normal in front of family. Both our parents know about it. His mom say he is just flirty, nothing serious to it but I know better from the treatment that he gave me and the other girl. The worst thing is I cannot stop him from calling or texting the girl. He's texting openly now that I know about it and even during lying next to me at sleeping time. I feel very uncomfortable and angry and sad at the same time. Most of the time, I cannot even have my sleep, thinking about this thing the whole night. In the end, it affect my health and mood at work.
What can I do except keep silent about it and try to love him back. How can I live with this abuse? He said he will feel it if I do love him and treat him nice. He said it will take time, maybe few months but not right away. But how can I be sure? He's still contacting the girl.
You're the first one to write to us on our coping corner, so it's nice to meet you. First, I don't know that much about your situation but I will let you know that as long as he's in contact with the OW, the marriage can not survive. Thus there are two big steps that need to be done. #1 Step = End The Affair and #2 Step = Rebuild a New Marriage (after the A is over). So the first thing we'll have to work on is ending the affair, okay?
Now, I can tell you right now that there is a person who looks a lot like your hubby in your home right now, sleeping next to you...but it's not the hubby you know and love. It's his Evil Twin, the Disloyal Spouse. He is addicted to the little rush and zing and butterflies and excitement that the affair gives him, and he will do and say ANYTHING to keep that addiction. When the Disloyal Evil Twin is yelling and saying those horrible, hurtful things, please don't see your hubby--see someone who is like a drug addict and you are trying to cut off his supply and take away his drug. How do drug addicts act when you take away their drug and make them go cold turkey? Happy? Thankful? HECK NO--they scream, yell, holler, blame, give guilt, make threats....*ANYTHING* to get that drug back!!! And he will too.
So we are going to go into battle against the affair. It will be hard, and you'll be afraid, and it will feel like you're doing the wrong thing (it's against your instinct). Just try to read as much as you can, try to learn as much as you can, and let's go through it together..okay?
So before we can really get going, I'm going to ask you about the first couple of steps. You say you're up to the "Carrot & Stick" step, so let's review. Please tell me what you did for Step 1: Gather Evidence. What evidence do you have that proves to you it is an affair and not just co-workers at work? How did you get the evidence? Do you still have access to that way of gathering evidence?
For Step 2: Confront--did you talk to him directly and ask him point blank to stop the affair? Tell me about the time when you talked to him and told him you KNEW he was being unfaithful. What did he say? For Step 3: Disclose--who did you disclose to? Who is the one person he thinks highly of who is pro-marriage who you told about the affair? Who did you show the evidence to so you could prove it wasn't just in your mind? How did this step go? Finally--tell me about Step 4: Exposure. Who did you expose to and how? What did you say? How did they respond?
I ask all these questions to get a clearer picture of what's going on and to find out where we might want to start and how to begin the attack against the affair. And Bellz, I can't guarantee you we can save your marriage--we'll try! But we'll be right there with ya helping all the way okay?
Step 1:gather evidence
The evidence have been in front of me for a long time. It is I who is blind to it because I trust him so much. First time I caught him on the phone was a few months back. He was talking softly to the girl more or less the same way he talked to me when we first started dating. All about having sex and sharing everything together. I was beside him but did not disturb the conversation. He ended the conversation and saying that he'll call back again. He told me that the girl was his co-worker and having relationship problem so turn to him for advice and he was just trying to help by explaining to her what we have gone through in the past.
The second time I caught him on the phone was again on the same topic but he is more insistant about what he is requesting from the girl. I asked him what happened. He said nothing happened. He said it's not about the other person, it's about us. How I have treated him badly and he is unhappy with me. I was sad and was scolded off to think for myself what I have done wrong.
The third time, its the same thing again. He's blaming all this on me. On why he cannot be happy with me but he can be happy with other people. "Go and think for yourself why this has happened. You deserve it. Even if you are crying now also nobody is going to pity you."
Step 2:Confront
One night, I decided to check his phone while he was asleep. He deleted all messages in the inbox but kept a few in important folder. In it I found a few sms from the girl that is talking about relationship and sex and calling each other hubby and wifey. I cannot contain myself and burst out on him in the middle of the night while he is asleep. Later on he sleep in the living room. While he is in a blur and suddenly awake, he was angry and say yes, the girl is his wifey, so what? You happy now? Now my mom also know we're fighting. She will sure ask what's going on. His mom just sleep in the next room. I know it was his anger talking. That night I was in shock and can't sleep the whole night.
Step 3;Disclose
The next morning I call my mom and told her my husband has a woman outside. I did not elaborate on the details. My mom later called her mom and talked about it. Both our parents are pro-marriage. When his mom asked him about it, he say the girl is just a co-worker and a friend. They're great friend talking together.
Step 4: Exposure
We were on bad terms ever since (cold war). Few days later he went outstation to work. The line is very bad there. During the next weekend, his father passed away. Everybody is trying to reach him but unable to. I tried to call his colleague but I don't know their contact at all. In the end, I search online and found a contact for his manager and call him. He also did not reply until the next day. I told his manager that I am his wife. his father passed away and his mother ordered him back for the ceremony. He need to come back on that day itself. Please arrange for it. When he know about this he send me a sms while driving. He said he was really dissapointed with me. Why I have to tell the whole office that his father passed away. Now the whole office want to come to pay respect. I did not know what he tell the office co-workers, in the end, nobody come to pay respect. In his previous company, he declare himself single and not married because he say employer prefer people with less commitment and can do OT.
Until today I did not know what he tell the office people or how they reacted to that. He has left the company and now in the new company. His leaving has nothing to do with this case and has tendered his resignation earlier on. In this new company also I believe he still declare himself single. I do not know what to do with it. We do not wear wedding ring. It is I who request earlier on because I sweat alot and it causes itching on the place where the ring is. I really regret that.
Ever since then, he openly communicated with the girl. I have found pictures of him and the girl going on trips together. Some of it are trip with coworker and some with the girl's family (parents). It really hurt me to see them hugging together. It was in house network shared folder so I saw it although usually I don't go and check through his things.
My discussion with mother in law about his affair:
She said that he is flirty in nature and have a sweet mouth. No matter its old or young he still flirt. That I have known for a long time. Usually it's just flirt for fun, not serious. That kind of thing I don't really mind much. But this is bad. S
She said my husband assure her that there is nothing to it, by that he is meaning that they never physically have sex. She also said I should cool it off. I have done things that made him angry so it will take time for him to cool down. Anyway she is not agreeing to us divorce and does not agree with him together with the girl. She did not openly ask him to end the relationship. She said this things are temporary and will end by itself. I cannot just sit there and wait for god knows how long it will take for it to end and suffer continuously until then.
I really want to work it out but I do not know how long more I can stand. He also say that whatever I'm trying to do now to impress him is just temporary. I won't be able to last long. In the end we still will be separated. That's why he reject all my advances because he believe that I won't be able to really change myself.
Tanelorn and Affaircare- You have NO idea how happy I am you have done this!!!! For a couple of months I've prayed there would be a way to talk to the two of you. My H takes real good care of himself, works out, etc. Just before we got married, I started gaining weight, for no real good reason. He told me before we married how he felt if someone took good care of themselves, it meant they thought enough to take good care of everything else important to them. So obviously he was not happy with my weight gain. In all honesty, neither was I but I didn't do much about it. It took it's toll and we started having real problems. Several times he slept on the couch for months on end and told me things were at the point of breakup. I repeatedly did the token lose weight just until things got better then would go back to old behavior. Ultimately gained 80 lbs. So I really do understand his not believing me this time.
About 2 months ago I found an email to an old friend on his laptop he was in the process of writing (he fell asleep with it open & I went to shut it). He'd been sleeping on the couch for approx 2 months-he said because of my snoring. Dtr verifies I snored. Started off "hi baby...I'd do anything to be able to bring you back to (our state)....as far as your severance pay...". I closed it, the next day he asks what's wrong so I told him about seeing the email. His response: you knew things haven't been good between us for years. I'm sleeping on the couch, sex hasn't been good, nothing happened, nothing was going to happen, no one would wait 2 years for me (has said if we ever split he wanted to wait until dtr finished college), he needed someone to listen to him, he loves me, we've been through so much together, and said he ended it. Since that time I've gone through his phone & found partial emails to her, usually just a word or two in the drafts. Haven't told him I know that. I also know who she is--I was going to friend him on facebook last year and saw her pic. Looked it up, know where she lives (about 12 hrs away).
Since all this I've lost 20 lbs (stress is a GREAT weight reducer) and have been really taking care of myself. He's been acting differently too. Has always told me "I love you" when leaving the house or hanging up the phone, and kissed me hello/goodbye, but now gives a little hug, kiss on the neck, is almost sort of flirty. I try to flirt back and have the outlook that if we were just getting started and I was real interested I would do everything I could to entice him. But it's hard. My friends say I should leave the phone alone, concentrate more on making a better me, and that if things are meant to work out, they will.
Bellz, I know you too can find help here. I'm sorry for what you are going through....you're not alone, that's for sure!!
What is your opinion about your marriage right now? Does it seem to be improving? It sounds to me like your husband does appreciate it when you take care of yourself, stay in shape, etc.
Regarding the affair: does it seem as if it is still ongoing? If so, there is little that can be done for your marriage until the affair ends. Until it does, your husband will not be fully committed to you, and any work on the marriage will always stop at the point where the things the affair provides overrule the things the marriage does.
Bellz - will be posting more on your main thread...
Hi Tanelornpete and Affaircare. How are you guys doing? Just wanted to thank you both for what you do. Im doing well. Just wanted you guys to know you are appreciated.
Hello there! Great idea to do this. Affaircare - you've given me balanced, thoughtful feedback in the past. I wrote a thread called "Is there such thing as getting over it *too* fast" several days ago - I was hoping you'd have a gander and weigh in - I won't reproduce it here, but I'd love your opinion there!
p.s. - update since thread was written - seems like H and I are both getting over the EA near-impossibly fast; however, that doesn't mean the reasons he wandered to begin with are getting addressed - insight I learned last night - but he is trying, so I can't even be hard on him, the jerk!
My friend, S., thinks you guys are great (Like I do.) You give so much. Just a note. S. "believes" he has a healthy marriage. NO reason to doubt that. While trying to help me through my difficult time he has read a lot of Harley over the last two weeks. And he is using that advise and yours to make his marriage better. Thanks.
Ok I have always valued your advice on this forum so I would like to ask something regarding my situation. I would like to know if subconsciously I have become codependent on my husband and maybe that has eventually led to his affair and now the divorce. Since my husband is not talking either about the affair or the real reasons behind our divorce I have been doing some self analysis on my own.
For the past 9 years, I have loved my husband unconditionally, always trusted him, never really had any arguments. I was very understanding of his grueling travel schedule, his work committments, took care of the house we lived in Canada(even though he really bought it before he met me), I have been a good mother in a different country with no family/friends help, I neglected some of my friendships, I basically put his needs/wants before mine many times.
And then the child came in and responsibilities changed. Of course for those of you have been mothers you probably remember how hectic your first year of motherhood was. I tried to be the superwoman to do everything by myself not only as a mother but also before we had the child. I never bothered him with details, if I could do it something myself I did it. I thought he appreciated all that.
For example he was almost jelous if I wanted to go out with some of my single friends for a dinner. I would usually do that when he was on a trip. He almost never went out on his own with any of his friends.
We loved to travel and we did a lot of travelling. Between his airmiles and my hotel discounts we visited many places. He always agreed to my travel choices, never objected paying for it.
He is a very stubborn person by character but somehow he always got his way. He made way more money than I did so financially he had the upper hand on the $$$.
I gave up my real estate career just before our move so he can have success in his. He did agree to continue to pay my real estate fees associated with me keeping the license since our move to CT was supposed to be short term only. I was basically ready to go to the end of the world to be with him
I must say we do like the same things in life in most cases we did agree on many things. People now tell me that I was way to nice to him, in other words I should have been more of a b****
We both like sports. But I like skiing a lot. He skis but not too crazy about the sport. So we went to couple of ski trip but I can't say I got lots of chances to practice that sport but I found other sports we liked to watch/play so I never made a big deal about it.
Do you think my attitude like this would have contributed to him having the affair? I am sure issues like this could have been addressed in a different manner(like talking about it) rather than the ultimate betrayal. I am not saying I am perfect but neither was he.
I am just trying to throw some thought out there to find some explanation for all this. I am trying to be as honest with myself as possible.
Affaircare you have been so much help I am glad you have this section
I have to ask about telling people about the affair? What about if it is a AF? I have considered contacting my H's job where they boy work his boss and also the corporate office but I don't know how to really handle it. What has really stopped me from doing this is that he is my ONLY support and if I do this he will cut of the child support and I will have no way to support my kids or even live I have considered waiting till I get a job and then doing it. My problem is that I only know for a fact it was a AF and she told me via text message that she only saw him as a friend and would NEVER do that too someone who is married. He moved out so I guess she might think different now.
I guess what I am scared of is if it is just one sided and only him and only an AF it could cause a lot of problems for her and her job. Which I worry about doing to anyone. I almost can't involve in without her.
Was I being too nice and paying too much attention to my husband and neglecting my needs and wants in the name of love? Was I making more compromises than he was? The way I understand, in a marriage you have to make compromises you can't have it always your way.
Are you asking if taking care of someone else's needs makes them have an affair? Most affairs happen because it appears that the Other Person is able to give things that the spouse cannot (will not.) So I doubt that your being willing to do things with your husband contributed to his affairs. Its possible that you were willing to overlook the signs of trouble, which enables the affair to be carried on a lot longer - but that is not the cause of the affair.
Without your husband actually filling you in, you can only guess at things - which is why, in your case, it may be more fruitful to be studying yourself, and the kind of person you really are, rather than trying to get that answer - it may come when you least expect it...
Coping Corner with Tanelorn and Affaircare 
), may have a question you want to ask about your situation and we haven't spotted you yet, or may want to just ask if we'd read your thread and comment! 
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at 
I have considered waiting till I get a job and then doing it. My problem is that I only know for a fact it was a AF and she told me via text message that she only saw him as a friend and would NEVER do that too someone who is married. He moved out so I guess she might think different now. 
