synonimous_anonymous

Please answer me this: Is it normal to start the day feeling like you can progress through the day in a positive manner only to come to the end of the day (Both you and your spouse at work) and feeling completely hopeless.

I love my wife so much it kills me. She knows it. In the days following my catching her in her moment of weakness, she confessed certain things to me. While her love for me was always real, she says there were many parts of our married life that she was 'patient' with. I admitted I didn't help around the house apartment enough and that I spent too much time working and not enough talking. However, in the years we've been together she never brought these issues up, so I never thought of them as a problem. We both worked hard, we have a parent to take care of because of her age and health (Which takes a lot out of my wife) etc.

Things she said that felt like a hammer to the gut:
"When we went in to register to be married I never felt like it was anything special. Most people pick a special day, we just went in on our day off." My answer to that was that the day we went in is special from now on, it's the day I could introduce her as my wife and not my girlfriend. We had little money to have a proper wedding, and I feel real bad about that but in the years after even she said "I'd rather do 'this' or 'that' than have a wedding." My mistake...and I hope to make that up to her.
"I love you but sex is too much like a chore. I enjoy it when it happens but I am never out and about thinking 'I'd like to go home and make love to my husband." She says this is how most of her relationships have been. Passionate in the beginning but the fizzled. She was the victim of domestic violence in many of her relationships prior to me and I have a feeling that plays some role in it. However, she says that when she talks with her friends or co-workers, many of them feel the same way in their relationships. It's just not as fun for them as it is for the guys. According to the calendar, today and tomorrow she should be ovulating...which I would assume has her hormones in gear to 'have sex' but if I bring up sex, just for sex and not to make a baby, she's still playing the 'I need time.' card. The local doctor prescribed me some Viagra and said it would help some women enjoy sex more...I have yet to ask her to try it because I don't want to push.
"I don't know what marriage is." She asked me what I thought marriage meant and I think I did a pretty good job of telling her why I wanted to be married to her and still want to be married to her. She accepted this as a good way of putting it but questions herself "If I love you, and I think I do, then why did I do what I did (Caught almost having sex, and likely would have had I not walked in)?" I told her that while she has no excuse for doing what she did, I have some blame in it and accept it.
"I wanted a baby because I thought it would change things for us, not exactly because I wanted a baby." Again, this blew me away. We had talked names, what kind of parents we would be etc. She was, as far as I knew, completely for having kids and in the past years had always wished we could've already pumped a few out. She says she's "Thinking about whether or not she could be a good mother." I really thought she had already decided on becoming a mother. Now, I might be married to someone who has no passion for sex and doesn't want a family, but a person I so dearly love and want to keep in my life.

Other things that are bothering me. She is 40 yrs old and at that age having children is getting risky. One of the reasons I would like to see her quit her job and go full on baby making. But, she seems to have work put into first place. She's already talking about what a tough month she's going to have in July due to shifting of workers and how she's got some 'not so great' people coming to her section. I would rather her be thinking "OK, just a few months and I can quit because I'll be pregnant."

I still can't eat and can barely sleep. Getting through work is tough as hell. If I bring most of this up she takes the blame and puts it on her shoulders (And she should really) but it just regresses the situation. She's the type to say "I'm not good enough for you or this life. You should move on." Thing is, I've already put my heart and soul into this relationship and can't imagine a life without her.

I wish this nightmare would end.

cody5

OK. Enough of this bull-****. How many women:

Emotionally checked out of their marriage After 10 year? 5? 1? NEVER loved your husband?

What the **** is going on here?

I'll get it started by answering for my wife in abstentia:

"I never loved my husband. S_A, your wife sounds JUST LIKE ME".

I take a sleeping pill every night. Going to bed is hard for me. It personifies EVERYTHING that is wrong in my marriage. It sucks, and I'm still getting over the fact that it's not going to change. I'm the same person she married. She didn't love me then, she's not going to love me after 20 years of confirming behavior.

Any engaged girls out there? If you don't love your fiance, DON'T MARRY HIM!!!! Married thinking of children? DON'T HAVE THEM if your husband repulses you!!!!

The one good that's come out of this is at least I realize I'm not alone.

turnera

You both are taking your marriage for granted. It happens. You CAN stop doing that and get the spark back. But you have to work at it.

By cheating on you (makes no difference the end result) she has turned her attention away from you, told herself the marriage sucks so she can justify cheating. THAT will take a little while to get around, to get her to start focusing on you and the marriage again. I have to ask: are you sure she's not still cheating? If she is, you won't get far in fixing things until that's covered.

Her discussions about SF are VERY common for women. You see, most women have to be emotionally close and connected to the man to want SF; if they are unhappy or even just bored with the marriage, SF loses its interest. Men just want it, lol. Unfortunately, it's up to the man to create an environment in which the woman stays connected to you and THEN wants SF with you, since it is YOU who wants it most. For instance, my DH knows he has to rub my back, or my feet, something like that, before I can relax enough to be in the mood; he KNOWS my cues, and he uses them to get what HE wants - SF.

As for your marriage? Go today and buy the book His Needs Her Needs. It will change your marriage for the better.

iamnottheonlyone

You can download His Needs, Her Needs. It is $20 at the bookstore. It can save your marriage. Order it from Barnes and Noble and have them ship it to you. My friend S. read it this week and stayed up with his wife until nearly 2 in the morning talking. Many years have gone by since they did that. I only wish I had read it 2 months ago before my wife left me. Get it. Read it. You have nothing to lose.

helpplease

I am with cody and SA, I would have never got married if this was the outcome. I am still riddled with pain at some of the words my wife said to me. Do we really have to "stand on our head?" to make this all work? (rhetorical question, )
I am on my first book about love languages, and will get into His Needs, Her Needs next.
I am hanging on by a thread and that is about it in my marriage.