Today I served my wife with an ex parte summons to appear for a child custody hearing regarding the welfare and safety of our six children. I cannot believe the person that she has become. I am soon to become a single father of six.
She now lies as easily as she breathes and hates as readily as she walks. She has alienated herself from our four oldest kids, and traded her family away for trash. She left her kids and her husband for a unemployed man who is 20 years her senior. He is not wealthy. He is not attractive. He is not intelligent. He is not decent or moral. He simply "supports her". If only he'd be as supportive of his last two families.
I have never felt a greater sadness in my entire life. The only thing constant now in my kids life is change and commotion. How people could ever do this to their own family is beyond me.
Even my lawyer was shocked and saddened as I told her my story. I just wish this nightmare would end. I still love my wife, and it saddens me that she has come to this.
I could have handled divorce, but her adultery is almost more than I can bear. Why do people do this? Why do they destroy themselves? It can't be lust, the guy is a friggin troll and only four years younger than her mom. It's sick and depraved. I knew she wasn't mentally well, but I can't even begin to wrap myself around this.
I thought I could work my way through this, but after crying for 30 minutes straight tonight, I realize that I'm going to need some outside help. I am a good looking man. I am a great father. I make a decent living. We had a nice house, and good kids. Now all of that is gone, and for what, screwing some grandpa...really?
So far he has had the common sense to avoid me. I now understand why my wife threw away everything in my office. Given my history and hobbies, I'm sure he wasn't comfortable there at all. I pray to God that our paths never cross. To prevent this event from happening, I readily announce my comings and goings.
Does the pain ever go away? I thought I was tough. My lawyer is advising that I go after alimony as well. I just don't know anymore. She really isn't mentally well, so maybe I'll just get her a small apartment. I can't/won't have her as my wife anymore, but I can't throw away my children's mother without first giving her a chance to get well. Can I?
It's a 20 hour day, after a 20 hour day, after 20 day. I think I need to take a couple days off and just drive to the beach and think. My office manager cancelled out most of my afternoon. I was effective through one or so, and it was like I just needed to go in the atrium and sit.
My partners have really been carrying my practice. I'm lucky to have such good friends in my life. I feel like such a liability to them right now. It's everything I can do right now to put on a good front for my kids. I can now see why some cultures used to stone people for adultery. The pain caused is immeasurable. I'm feel like I'm ready to tap. Here's hoping tomorrow is a better day, and if not maybe at least the one after that.
LIL- I feel your pain, I have been going through it too. See the post below from Brennen about cheating and the other person, it really helped me when I needed it.
I am giving you one GIANT hug right now. My God, you have been through the ringer.
All his hatred and ugly words directed at you is to demonize you. Just like Susan said, to make you the bad person. That way he can "rationalize" his actions of leaving his family and destroying your relationship. The fact that you had to initiate the divorce is a CLASSIC from the cheaters "handbook", if you will. "She left me" is how they can continue to live with themselves. You wrote that their "relationship" continues to grow stronger. Any relationship that is based on lies, secrets, cheating on spouses and hurting children is NOT a "relationship". Ever. This is fantasy. A world of no responsibility. No bills to pay, no children to shuttle around, no fix it projects around the house. Nope, the "other person" is "perfect". Why? Because they live in a fog. It will be a VERY hard dose of reality once they leave their spouse and realize this.
You sound heartbroken right now CMF, but you are STRONGER than you ever knew possible. You mentioned that your self esteem is taking a hit. Understand this, YOU did not break your vows, YOU did not walk out on your family and responsibility, YOU did not abandon your committment. HE DID. And for what? The lowest common denominator. They ALWAYS affair down. They cheat with somebody equally as broken as they are. Somebody willing to have an affair with a married man. Somebody willing to accept seconds and the crumbs they offer. She will NEVER be better than you. EVER.
Stay strong my dear. YOU are worth SO MUCH MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She has alienated herself from our four oldest kids, and traded her family away for trash. She left her kids and her husband for a unemployed man who is 20 years her senior. He is not wealthy. He is not attractive. He is not intelligent. He is not decent or moral. He simply "supports her". If only he'd be as supportive of his last two families.
Bottom line, maybe this guy is okay with being last in line ... it's easier to be with someone that doesn't require much of you than to really change yourself for the better.
I am sure your wife is hurting and although some of her ways of acting out have been over the top bizarre she is probably pretty worried about the future and is afraid to be alone right now.
My ex was engaged while we were still married (she thought we were already divorced) & married 2 months after our divorce was final...some people are not comfortable being on their own.
I'm glad you have good partners in your practice & hope you are able to take some time away to think.
I am so sorry LIL. Don't worry about crying, thats just tension working its way out. I can tell you care enough about your children that you will move mountains to make sure they are taken care of. And that speaks leads me to believe that you are a good man. Bad things happen, and you seem to be drowning in them right now. All I can hope for is that it all gets a little less stressful and that this will soon come to an end.
(((hugs))))........I'm so sorry you have to endure all you are....
It's so hard when someone you have loved treats you this way....it's heartbreaking that they just aren't who you thought them to be.....
You need to take care of yourself and your children and stop worrying about her and what she plans for her life now....
You don't have to feel responsible for her and her decisions.
Be the best man you can be and remember God has a plan even though we don't know what it is.....have faith in yourself and your kids.......
Give yourself time and see what life has to experience and who knows what will happen for you.......
Cry all you want, i do, it helps relieve the stress I feel everyday........
It's okay to feel anything you want........
I'm sorry to hear she is so blatant with her affair LIL. I think you are wise to let your attorney advise you and pursue custody of the children. In the end, whether you get money from her or not is sort of irrelevant--you are young, strong and capable and can provide. What IS relevant is doing what you can...what you must...to protect the kids.
Whoa. I am so sorry to read that things have gone from bad to worse (in this regard). It is definitely her loss, but unfortunately she's not the only one losing here, obviously. The kids sure are - not to mention your loss. The kids are so lucky to have such a great dad.
Big mental hugs to you. I hope your day gets a little bit brighter.
So, so sorry. Glad to hear you are doing your best to take such good care of your kids.
I can understand not wanting to sue her for Alimony or Child Support, but why do you feel the need to finance ANYTHING for HER at this point? You mention giving her a chance to heal - you've already done that.
Maybe if she falls flat on her face it will be just the wake-up call she needs.
LiL ...sorry it has come to this for you. Be the strong and loving dad for your kids. Take care of you, take care of them.
Do your best to stop trying to rationalize her bizarre actions. I know it is hard but some things just DON'T MAKE SENSE. I know if you have an analytical mind that getting things to stop being calculated by it can be rough. If that is your case I would strongly suggest talking to a medical professional. What a relief it can be to not have those thoughts constantly recomposing and banging around in your head constantly.
I applaud you for your strength in still caring about her on at least a base level - that takes great strength.
Know that in time you will look back and be happy that your life has changed ... for the better.
Thank you everyone for your encouraging words. Change is hard, at least for me, but I know with it comes new opportunities. I just wish it all made sense.
She told my kids yesterday that she's going to "break it off" and focus on them for awhile. The timing is a tad odd, but I hope she is sincere. I had suggested this to her in an earlier e-mail this week as it truly is good advice, but nothing resonated with her at the time. I guess my attorney may have been more persuasive when he served her a summons for a custody hearing. I guess sometimes a whisper works, and sometimes you just have to shout. Oh well; so long as they hear.
Thank you again Atholk, OneMarriedMan, nice777guy, InAPickle, jessi, DawnD, Affaircare, cmf, sweedish, and michzz. Your kind words mean more to me than you'll never know. May God bless and sustain you and your families.