There are most certainly parts of our relationship, and why it got to where it is, that is my fault. My wife has said "You've changed and I see that. I know you are doing your best." The mistakes I've made, the presumptions that 'because we were married this and that will be taken care of' are now no longer presumptions. For nearly 2 months I've put in the effort to change my behavior in that respect...at least I think I have and my wife has acknowledge that changes have been made.
It's very good news that your wife sees changes - hopefully they are positive ones! Humor aside, in most cases, it takes some time for someone who has been hurt (or at least perceived they were hurt) in the past to trust that the changes they see are permanent - you've only been at this a very short time. Patience is something that is way too underrated.
Presumptions in marriage almost always spell disaster. The way to keep a marriage healthy is to live deliberately, all the time. It takes a lot of work, but the joy of such a marriage is worth it all. That means that you most likely will always be checking up with your spouse from time to time to see how things are going. My wife (affaircare) and I did over the weekend - there was a problem that was not being addressed, and we worked through it.
I bring up sex perhaps because of kissing. When I first heard my wife say she doesn't feel like she can kiss me that was a blow to my stomach. I tried to get to the root of that but haven't yet. I figured that the better I can make her feel in bed, the more chances are she will feel 'closer' to me and recapture some of those lost feelings and kiss me again. The idea of spending time apart made me think (From my perspective only) that we'd miss each other. I guess thinking harder about it perhaps I'd miss her more and she'd just go on living...
I think you've figured this out a bit here: First, there is no guarantee that making someone feel good in bed will translate into 'I love how he listens to me when I am upset about things and need a shoulder to cry on.' A hooker can make you feel very good in bed, but you may not want to hang around later. There is a great deal more to marriage than good sex. It should be the natural result of a strong marriage, not the cause of one: if that were the case, what happens as age kicks in and your sex drive diminishes? End of marriage?
Sex is important. How to get that intimacy back so that we are not just roommates is something I would love. We spent the last couple of years barely having any sex and a lot due to stress of taking care of her mother. I see now that there is more to it and yes I want to fix that. I'm focused on fixing all areas. The areas where I know the answer I can handle on my own, however sex is one area where I don't know the answers and that's why I ask here.
So how do you find out these areas? Suggestions - a set of questionnaires: Love Busters
, Emotional Needs
, Love Kindlers
, Love Extinguishers
. Unless you find out what has caused the troubles, you will simply find yourself floundering around grasping at anything that seems good at the moment - and finding many disappointments.
Do I bother you with things that I do or don't do? Now, after making some changes her answer is "No." She added "Before all this though, these are some of the things that REALLY bothered me." She had 2 specific issues, both of which are now no longer an issue. It's a matter of whether I can keep it up (I'm sure I can) that will be the challenge.
Again, I'd like to point out that it may be that YOU think you are doing things right, and she may be waiting for something completely different. Regardless: how were these resolved? Has this resolution only been is play since D-Day?
I appreciate all the advice. What I hoped for from her most was to see a therapist so she could unleash her feelings (With me there or alone) to someone who could be unbiased and just listen and give her advice that was pro-marriage. I like the idea of getting 'homework' or assignments to work on your marriage.
A hint: if you find a counselor that does NOT give you work to do at home you are wasting your time. That counselor is a scam artist that simply makes money off of sitting in an office while people talk near him/her - and charges lots of money for it.
I'm all for building it up to a point where she wants to be intimate and not trying to avoid it. I would love it if we went back to the days where we both looked forward to same days off so we could do whatever we wanted, together.
It will take work but you can get those days back. Here's an assignment for you both (if she wants to do it): MBTI personality test. Descriptions of the results
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