Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

She asked me out.

105K views 262 replies 79 participants last post by  ButtPunch 
#1 ·
So, just like 10 minutes ago I got a call from her. It was pertaining to our kid and then she asked me out on a date, lol. Now, she has been trying to bang me for months. It started on D-day and it really hasn't stopped. Although the last few weeks leading up to a divorce- (that was finalized last week) she was going from angry super diva b!tch on wheels too, I can't live without you I need you type person. So... Yeah. Now I said, "on your dollar homeslice, I might consider it". And she said, "Well yeah, silly bear that's why I'm asking you". I said "where"? and she was like "anywhere you want" So I said a restaurant that is five star and famous. And she agreed.

Now, I'm not inclined to miss out on a 5 star meal. I mean for a lonely ole' civil servant that maybe pulls in 50 grand a year, this sounds pretty good. And plus, I think I just need to bang her out a bit. Really, I can't think of any reason not to do this. Divorce is done and done. Marriage is dissolved.

So.... Yeah, I think it's a great idea.

So TAM. Am I in the clear here. Or am I batsh!t nuts just like my ex, lol.

Thoughts?

I know this opening doors for crazy stuff to happen. But in all honesty, I do really, really miss her.
 
See less See more
#125 ·
I think sometimes the overall tone of Floods posts have a bit of "locker room" type vibe. So not always super respectful to the ex. I get that.

The telling part is he feels protective enough of her to not want others to disrespect her. So the double standard is easy for me to understand. Some of the graphic description and overt objectification lead to most of us having a one dimensional view of the ex. Not her most flattering moments.
 
#126 ·
:iagree: with Kristin.

Manticore,

You make good points. I don't think you are wrong but you are looking at the situation from a different perpective. My read if I my try again:

Flood loves her. He hates her. She loves him anyway. Since exposure Flood has played everything right. He forced OM to eat the shxt sandwich of his life. He double checked his sex ranking and found it was fine. He got favorable terms in divorce. He maintained the healthy relationship between his ex and their son.

After doing so well Flood still loves her. Naturally he is considering reconciliation. So, if they are to reconcile, what sort of relationship should they build? I say one based on more respect than she showed their marriage.

He cannot treat her like a F buddy without hurting her feelings. So, he should wean himself from the desire to punish her. It's not going to improve her self esteem.
 
#130 ·
:iagree: with Kristin.

Manticore,

You make good points. I don't think you are wrong but you are looking at the situation from a different perpective. My read if I my try again:

Flood loves her. He hates her. She loves him anyway. Since exposure Flood has played everything right. He forced OM to eat the shxt sandwich of his life. He double checked his sex ranking and found it was fine. He got favorable terms in divorce. He maintained the healthy relationship between his ex and their son.

After doing so well Flood still loves her. Naturally he is considering reconciliation. So, if they are to reconcile, what sort of relationship should they build? I say one based on more respect than she showed their marriage.

He cannot treat her like a F buddy without hurting her feelings. So, he should wean himself from the desire to punish her. It's not going to improve her self esteem.


Exactly and we all agree that is her problem to begin with

See my point Flood ?
 
  • Like
Reactions: LongWalk
#128 ·
Flood,

You have stood up for yourself and your marriage. There is no shame if you end up back with your former wife.

Make it on your terms and get a prenup. You have done better than most BH's on TAM.

Make sure both you and your X go to IC for yourselves. If you do want to get together, go to MC first.

Good luck to you and do what is best for you.
 
#131 ·
Yes I got that Happyman, I've got no issues with it. But Flood did seem to get upset at the level of trash talk about his EX

I've got a very high tolerance for "locker room" I manage and have been on tour with dirty raunchy rock musicians.

What I got from flood snapping to STFU was that he felt protective.

I only pull that when I really care about someone...I can't call them every name under the sun...you better not try!

Carry on boys!
 
#133 ·
Nothing like putting me on the spot!

Honestly I think it's still really foggy for both of them. Sometimes hot chemistry overrides good judgement.

I would want to know more about what really led her to cheat and keep the evidence to boot. It would be bothersome to me probably too much to ever recover from. I'm of the fooled me once school of thinking though. And the more clouded I feel by chemistry the less I trust my judgement.

So I'm sure she loves him on many levels. But I'm not sure she's cut out for fidelity. I think once a gets past Adultery and all it involves, it might be her fallback if not dealt with and changed. That takes growth and time and lots of personal work. Not sure if she's done enough of that. It's too soon.

How do you trust real growth and change of a person who showed you in the ultimate way they are not to be trusted? Just my .02.

I wish them the best though, especially since they have a child.
 
#134 ·
How do you trust real growth and change of a person who showed you in the ultimate way they are not to be trusted?
How does a wayward ever become a good person, a loyal boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse then?

IMO I do think a wayward can become a loyal, faithful spouse.

But it takes time.
It takes trust.
It takes respect from both parties.

And most importantly it takes a leap of faith from the battered spouse.

Not all are capable of taking this leap. Some feel the wayward can never be trusted.

That would be like saying none of us are capable of learning from our bad decisions.

But that is just my opinion.

HM
 
#136 ·
It won't work out.

If the xWW is as beautiful and attractive as Flood says she is, then she is always going to have a parade of men queuing up wanting to bed her. Flood is afraid (and rightfully so I think) that he will be spending the rest of his life looking over her shoulder, wondering when the next stud comes along to catch his xWW's eye and when she will again go weak and allow her boundaries to fall.

If what Flood tells us is true, and he is indeed a macho stud player who has no problem landing both single and married women, and did so many times before his marriage, why should he feel he needs to take the risk of laying on the line for a woman who has demonstrated to him that she has no problem tossing him aside for another stud like himself?

Flood is looking at the stakes and he sees that his wife is a poor bet. Yes he loves her... Yes he is still sexually attracted to her.... But many men are, and he and she damn well know it.

I think she understands now, too late, that she had a great thing going with Flood, but her vanity and lust for validation from another man overpowered that love. She knows deep down she is a weak, vain woman, and a poor gamble for any man who seeks a LTR.

In a lot of ways she reminds me of Tears. Go re-read Tears' thread in the Private Members section. It took Tears months and months of working hard on herself through IC and attempting true R with her BH, exploring all the reasons and motives she would have had to cheat on her loving husband and throw away a beautiful marriage. In the end it came down to simply her being bored during a lull in their relationship, not feeling wanted by her husband at the time (which she learned later was a fabrication of her own insecurities), and, ultimately, wanting an exciting little break from married life and motherhood.

Dumb. Tragic and dumb.
 
#137 ·
Thanks Viking for all your advice and comments. And basically that's where I am. With the exception of of a "new stud" taking her away. OM is not a stud at all. Average dude. I was reading a post by someone about why women cheat on a guy like me, and I think my wife cheated with a guy who was an emotional crutch for her- it was an emotional affair first. She say's that I was distant and "emotionally vacant" and to "controlling". She also had built up jealousy and the belief that I had an affair- I didn't, but I'm sure in her blameshifting brain I did.

You know, same sh!t different day. Thanks for all the support.
 
#138 ·
Thanks Viking for all your advice and comments. And basically that's where I am. With the exception of of a "new stud" taking her away. OM is not a stud at all. Average dude. I was reading a post by someone about why women cheat on a guy like me, and I think my wife cheated with a guy who was an emotional crutch for her- it was an emotional affair first. She say's that I was distant and "emotionally vacant" and to "controlling". She also had built up jealousy and the belief that I had an affair- I didn't, but I'm sure in her blameshifting brain I did.

You know, same sh!t different day. Thanks for all the support.
Is she still saying this?
 
#139 · (Edited)
Good Morning OP!

I noticed that while the guys who post in this thread are vacillating between 'great news go for it' and 'don't do it', the three women who have posted unanimously see it as a trick.

When it comes to 'what is she thinking' please remember that women have more insight than we do, which you can trust, providing they have no stake in the outcome.

If a woman finds her initial advice ignored, then she will adjust her advice, because well, you didn't seem to want the truth. I wish they wouldn't do that, but it happens.

However clever a fella is about relationships, pay more attention to an uninvolved woman's warnings. You don't have to act on them, but you should at least follow them up a little instead of discounting them.

The message you are sending is not 'I'm in control'. Even if reconciliation were an option, I didn't see any conditions or boundaries being set before you shagged her. She didn't have to do any serious lifting to win you back. How is your ex supposed to learn that you are not to be taken for granted?

Here is a horrible thing to say, but think about this: you were tempted by someone paying a meal for you in exchange for sex. What would you call a woman who does this?

You probably feel angry at me now, but what you want to hear is not always the best advice.
 
#140 ·
I'm not reconciling with her.

SandFly, don't know if you've read my story. But, yeah her affair had major consequences, but in short I'll sum them up.

-I exposed, filed for Divorced, had her served d-papers at work in front of colleagues and POS OM, kicked her out, took kid. All in on day.

-in the weeks after I completly moved on and began hooking up with other women basically daily when I didn't have my son-I would never keep our son from his mother, I've explained this in great detail.

-My wife tried having sex with me and begging, literally got on her knees and pleaded to let me give her another chance-this would happen most times I'd see her. I just laughed in her face, and told her. "if it doesn't involve are son, I have nothing to say to you". I was incredibly cold to her. It got to the point where I started having other people with me-like my dad or her dad or mom when I'd exchange my son.

-like all WW who betray a man like me the drama ramped up. she went from the "I'm so depressed I might kill myself", to "it was all my fault, I"m so sorry", to "I love you", then to "I hate you". Then to "I luv you". Then she tried to outplay me. Not gonna happen. Most can't keep up, least of all her. So she became really depressed. All the while, I just ignored her and moved on. Lots of acting on my part, because really, it was killing me. But I know I had to be decisive and make the tough choices. She basically created her own hell so to speak, I just let her experience it. I never did anything to her directly or purposely, she just became a sort of after thought.

So her affair in just about 2 hours resulted in this: Lost of marriage, humiliation, lost of full time parental rights, loss of marital home, losing friends and shame from her family and close friends.

That's just day 1. She would later quit her job, move in with mommy and daddy, see her son and fathers relationship blossom without her, then (and I think this is probably the biggest blow to her ego) saw her husband going with other women, most that were younger. Plus all the emotional stuff.

This hasn't been easy on her, I know this. I only went out with her AFTER I got everything I want. But I could see where it would appear that she's playing games. But she already lost.

Plus, she's just one of many right now. Although, I have agreed on one thing. later this week we are going to go to family and couples counselling. That should be interesting.

Like I said, I will not marry her again. And she has to do basically all the heavy lifting. But I still love her. Haven't told her, but I do.
 
#141 ·
Flood,
you are doing great.You set the rules .You have all the time you want to do what,s good for you. Its your time to heal ,have fun, date, whatever makes you happy.Once you're ready you will find someone to respect - love you and more important trust her.Who's that going to be ,who knows? Maby your ex ? maby a new girl? Time will tell.Just keep doing what you are doing and everything will fall in place.
 
#146 ·
Flood, how is your family and hers treating her now? My wife lost quite a bit. One of her older brothers has not talked to her for a long time. Her oldest brother who had not talked to her in over a year did reply to her email and they have chatted online about mundane things. He and my wife use to talk for hours on the phone every week and he just got fed up with her due to her affairs. He was a great support until I had it out with a pastor he recommended who basically took my wife's side and believed her lies. So my wife lost a lot.
 
#148 ·
My wife is the oldest of three sisters. They were all shocked and in my corner. They thought she was the dumbest woman on Earth to cheat on me. Her father was deeply dissapointed and I guess he yelled at her pretty harshly when he found out- but they're close so his disgust and anger wasn't permanent her mother was sad but she is her mom and was their emotionally for my wife. My wife is pretty close with her family, with the exception of her youngest sister. Its not that they're not close or love each other very much, but they sort of compete and have a rivalry. That will come up I'm sure in the counselling session. Her Best fried who was recently cheated on and divorced basically disowned her completely. But, they are begining to talk again. Although my wife probably has some jealousy there too.

I think my wife cheated on me to get my attention and to make sure I cared also I think she had it in her head that I had an affair and wanted to bang her younger sister.

Fvcked up I know, but I think that's why. I guess we'll find out soon enough.

Her family has been amazing in all this. They're great grandparents. So are my mom and Dad. They did not validate my ex's affair. They were great.
 
#147 ·
You're doing a good job. You've been posting on other threads, advising betrayed spouses on how deal with cheaters. Is that helping you to deal with your own remaining questions?

Going to couple's therapy is a good idea.

Even if you risk dating your ex because you love her, you don't have to re-marry. You can keep her on her toes. If you were to live together, would you allow her to call you her husband without having re-tied the knot?

I don't see what you can get out of re-marrying her, unless it some how feels right. But why rush.

Why isn't she working?
 
#149 ·
I like TAM and this forum as been a great tool and support for me. I post cause I really feel for betrayed spouses. The overwhelming majority of BS I see here, are from what I can tell really good people and good men and women, far better than me. I feel that my no holds bar approach to busting the sh!t outta affairs and WS behavior is just another perspective. I post and visit TAM because it does help me in that it lets me say and vent what I really feel. And I hope that what I say isn't too harsh or brash. But I am what I am I guess.

My wife is working. She has been for months. She is very talented and obviously doesn't need me for financial support.

I will not re-marry her. Under no circumstances. If we enter a relationship it will be exclusive. But I'm going to keep her guessing till then. Might be a bit cruel, but it's really a test for her. If she's willing to ride the bench while others get some playing time, work on herself and take responsibility for her actions then she might have a chance. Might.
 
#151 · (Edited)
Dear OP!

I did read your whole story, and I was impressed by your swift action, and clearheadedness.

Then you lost your head, and you rationalised it as 'I'm in Control'.

Friend, when it comes to the opposite sex, you are never in control of the other person, you are only in control of your own actions. What you do may make the other person adjust, it may not.

You surely recognise what I am saying in the whole thing about 'cheating being a choice of the other person' and 'confident men work on themselves, and if a woman is interested, great, if not he doesn't need her and the take-it leave-it attitude radiates from him.' The underlying perspective of both things is that 'you are responsible for you, they are responsible for them'. Is the theory wrong?

Have you ever 'made' someone do the right thing? Of course not! a) Convinced, b) set an example, c) dealt out consequences - these make people INTERNALLY decide to do the right thing, and in the case of women (a) won't work, (b) helps in the long term and (c) is the best short- to medium-term solution.

Flowers, nice words and sudden attentiveness don't work, because it's based on the logical 'a' and not the 'b' or 'c' of DOING. Not to mention that (a) reeks of manipulation.

A bit like children, it pains me to say, but maybe that's coz they're always off their nuts on feelings. Personally, I never did (a) with women, and yet I've always had long and trouble-free relationships. I never understood why other men were so weak. I never directly asked any woman out, for example, I just had a good time with them, and they 'chose' to pursue me - or so it seemed to my logical mind. It's only since coming here that I've understood what was happening. I was naturally showing my real honesty and independent attitude to life, never lying except to non-friends for example, and always refusing to put up with any shytty behaviour. Little did I understand it, but the women I have been with have brainwashed THEMSELVES somehow into attraction. Nothing I tried to do. This must be why I still like them, even though I dislike the fact that they go Cold after about seven years. And you know, even when they go Cold, I still get RESPECT and FAIRNESS from them. They leave ME the flat to live in, they pay their half of the lease. The last one wanted her computer back, I said 'no, it's got my stuff on it. GOODBYE.' and I'm typing to you on it now. But I was just being honest and not putting up with shyt even at the GOODBYE forever situation that I insist on. I'm never going to be 'friends' you see, because I smell fakeness in that, and the only sin for me is fake. Do you know when they call it quits? When they get a promotion, and at the same time I'm looking for work. 'Nothing to do with me, time to move on'.

In the last relationship, I was so annoyed by the previous one that I never said that I loved her in seven years, but I demonstrated it through my behaviour, so she never complained about it. Sure I felt guilty, but I wasn't going to be fake by using words. And a marriage vow IS just words, I'm sorry.

Right now you are demonstrating to your wife that you love her, but we don't yet know if she loves you, or if it's a game, or if it's a malfunction in her glands. I hope it's the first, but don't bank on it yet. Bottom line is, you may not be saying commitment, but you are DOING it. To just want sex for sex sake, we men change the appearance of a woman so that she becomes an object. This is why prostitutes and Friday night slappers are all 'dressed up'. They aren't attractive to us naturally when we don't yet know them, so they must change into sex objects to get the shag. Manipulation for advantage - conscious? Doesn't have to be, it just does the job.
Without the fancy heels and mascara, you would find your sex drive was actually very low, and relations between the sexes would be very equal. This is why I am suspicious of 'beauty', but again, this is just a recent realisation of why I am both repulsed and attracted by the Friday Night slapper.

Is there any other evidence of her DOING commitment? Sex isn't ALWAYS showing commitment for women, like a binobo monkey, they can shag for protection or pacification instead of attraction. Is she 'dressing up' - be honest, are you attracted to the Sex Object or the real woman? 'Bait and switch marketing' - beware!

You stand to lose everything by not maintaining your distance, at least for a few months. She could see a little celibacy as a 'penance' or a 'sacrifice' (c) - in the end you NEED to test her commitment, not obviously perhaps, before you start dishing out the sweets. If she cheated again, you'd feel so much less a fool if it was during her 'prove it' time than if you'd fallen for the fickle hormones trap.

I would like the women to come back to advise you on what she is up to. I would defer 100% to their advice, even if it contradicted me.

But one thing I know - so long as you give in to your on-the-spot impulses, you aren't in control - it's too soon. A good father shows compassion, but he doesn't spoil his child, or build his life around what his kids think/say they want.

I'm not criticising you, you sound like you're smarter than I am, it's just that we should lend our ears to the honest women on this one. Don't have to take their advice, but it shouldn't be ignored.

Wish you well!
 
#152 ·
I'm not reconciling with my wife. Unless you call reconciling living apart and me seeing other women reconciling. I'm going to a therapy session cause she asked me too. I'm doing it for her really. And plus, things do need to be said and probably should be said in a "controlled" environment. I view it has if me going to the therapy helps her grow as a person, that it is beneficial to me because she will be a better mother to our son.

In terms of testing her, that's what I'm doing. If say she were to start dating guys or whatever in the next 4 or 5 or 6 months, I would know that any romantic future with her is completely out of the question for me. I told her she can go out and fool around, I expect no exclusivity. She told me she only wants me. We'll see how true that is.

I'm in control. Fully. If I find out she has been fooling around, I'll just know that it's over and she doesn't really want ONLY me. I won't hold a grudge- I got everything I want. My house, my incredibly strong relationship with my son, a divorce from lying cheating wife, and a Bachelor lifestyle that most men would give their right nut for. I'm all good.

Everything I've done-including having sex with her and caring for her by showing interest in her therapy, has a purpose. There is no wasted motion with me.

I'm glad after our dinner date we went back to her place. I had to make sure my little buddies were still in place.

I will say this, if anything, this whole escapade has made me a part time 007 wannabe.
 
#154 ·
If say she were to start dating guys or whatever in the next 4 or 5 or 6 months, I would know that any romantic future with her is completely out of the question for me. I told her she can go out and fool around, I expect no exclusivity. She told me she only wants me. We'll see how true that is.
So, if I understand this right, she can have sex with other men as long as she doesn't date them on a regular basis... I that what you meant?

I'm confused.
 
#153 ·
:) Now you're sounding much more convincing.

Keep it up.

Sincerely hope you stay number one in your world.

Being secure in your top place - confident - means you will have an abundance of energy and compassion to share, so it really is in everyone's interests that you stay 'the man'.

All the best! No hard feelings? :)
 
#155 ·
Dude, her told her that to TEST her, totally necessary in my opinion. That's the sentence that made me sure he's 'got' it.

He didn't mean he wanted her to... you gotta give her a chance to F up before giving the R credence,

practical testing is the only way to 'know' if something is true - particularly what sb says
 
#159 ·
Good to know. I want you to succeed.

More tools is what it is about. I've learnt a lot here, but most of all how to put this 'instinct' into words.

You call yourself a 'controlling, manipulative ****'?

Buddy, that is what the radical feminists would call it.

I call it 'taking no ****' and 'having self-respect'.
 
#161 ·
Flood,

What is really great about your thread is the sharpness that you have brought to the question what fidelity means to a relationship. Your WW cheated on you in two ways: emotional and physical. Unlike some waywards, the moment you busted her she completely dropped the OM in both respects.

However, this left open the question of your sexual adequacy. She also has been begging for you to sleep with her again and pledged monogamy on her part. Really, you seem to have gotten her bvack. Still, you are holding back. Men, willing cuckolds excepted, are not willing to spend resources on women who will accept another man's seed on the sly.

Now here is the kicker: you love your wife, even though you told her you hated her on exposure day. It is because you love your wife that I think you will be happier reconciling, provided she proves trustworthy. Furthermore, you want her motivation to be because she loves you.

Since your 5 star restaurant meal you have had sex for what presumably for the first time for her in many months. She must have been pretty hard up and now that she got taste of you again, she is going to want more.

How long can you be in a relationship in which only one side must be monogamous? It will be interesting if this comes up in your couple's therapy.
 
#164 ·
@Lovemytruck

I do worry about my boy thinking his mom and dad are gonna live together and that might be confusing. We are very involved in our son's life and talk to him all the time, I read behavior pretty well,and if our son demonstrates or tells me or her that he's wondering if we are getting back together. My ex and I will set him down together and tell him what's going on.

If needed we would go to family therapy. But my son is doing so well- another shocker, that I doubt this will happen. It's amazing how is trucked through this, like it's nothing. He's actually excelled and tells us that he's really happy with having 2 rooms and 2 house that are his. When he wants to see his mom I will never stop him and vice versa. We constantly talk to our son, I do daily all the time and always gauge his body language. He's doing pretty well. He does miss his mommy tho, a few times he's cried-mostly early on. This was very tough on me and brutal on his mom- yet another in your face consequence of her affair.

I don't really "date" any of these women I'm seeing. If. And this is a big IF, I were to find a woman that I want exclusivity from, I would not be involved with my ex on an emotional level that would cross boundaries of co-parenting. And I definitely wouldn't bang her, then bang my GF. I don't need to that, I get tons of play as a single guy. If I commit, I will fully commit.
 
#166 · (Edited)
The problem I see with you Flood is you have a tendency to get a bit TOO c0cky. Screw enough chicks and pretty soon your xWW is going to get fed up with it an stop trying to R with you.

I get you want to punish her and make her feel the pain you felt. I am a believer in revenge. Revenge gets a bad rap in today's PC environment. I get how you want to repair your feelings of manhood that she dented. I get how you want to make it clear to her what a commodity you are. I also see how you want to test her to see if she is willing to stay celibate for you by sitting by while you get your rocks off with other chicks. I get it. Your'e like that big black alpha wolf on The Grey . You are a badazz, no one here is denying it.

All I'm saying is don't go overboard with it. At some point you need to hang it up and go back to an exclusive relationship with her... IF that is what you want. I'm not sure you do. If I was getting a parade of tail I would be hard pressed to want to stop myself. But you are going to have hang it up at some point.

What is going to happen if she meets up with some studly mojo guy with a body like Dwayne Johnston's and a face like DiCapprio's, making $300k a year and driving an L7 Vette? All this big talk you are making is going to land flat and you are going to be left in the dust. You are going to still be in love with her and she's going to be g-o-n-e.
 
#169 · (Edited)
The problem I see with you Flood is you have a tendency to get a bit TOO c0cky. Screw enough chicks and pretty soon your xWW is going to get fed up with it an stop trying to R with you.

I get you want to punish her and make her feel the pain you felt. I am a believer in revenge. Revenge gets a bad rap in today's PC environment. I get how you want to repair your feelings of manhood that she dented. I get how you want to make it clear to her what a commodity you are. I also see how you want to test her to see if she is willing to stay celibate for you by sitting by while you get your rocks off with other chicks. I get it. Your'e like that big black alpha wolf on The Grey . You are a badazz, no one here is denying it.


All I'm saying is don't go overboard with it. At some point you need to hang it up and go back to an exclusive relationship with her... IF that is what you want. I'm not sure you do. If I was getting a parade of tail I would be hard pressed to want to stop myself. But you are going to have hang it up at some point.

What is going to happen if she meets up with some studly mojo guy with a body like Dwayne Johnston's and a face like DiCapprio's, making $300k a year and driving an L7 Vette? All this big talk you are making is going to land flat and you are going to be left in the dust. You are going to still be in love with her and she's going to be g-o-n-e.
His exploring his freedom and still being in love with her is tricky.

For me there is a line where if he is still roaming and dating. And I'm sitting at home behaving....it would be a recipe for disaster. If you continue to behave and pass all tests. Are you doing it because you suddenly realize you really do love the guy you cheated on or do you just want to pass the test and get the prize/trophy for having passed....then it goes one of two ways. You cherish it and realize how hard you worked for it and act accordingly.

Or, you are happy for a bit then it's put on a shelf and you look for the next prize... It all depends on wiring (not really words). And her wiring and his are a bit faulty at the moment.

Everyone has a breaking point where they wonder why they are behaving as if they are in a relationship when he has made it clear he's actively single.

He's given her just enough to keep her on her best behavior. For now...

I'm looking at this from a female perspective and being honest about how many women think. I have never cheated but I don't play if I feel like I'm being tested or toyed with. I would play along just enough to flip the script. And then shut it down.

Flood please don't confuse your son with him catching you too being affectionate or with overnights at this point.
 
#167 ·
Flood, other than to remain celibate have you thought at all what things you'd be looking for in order to reconcile with her? If she goes to therapy and discovers what it is that led to her cheating and stays "faithful" to you is that it? Full speed on reconciling?
 
#168 ·
@LostViking, it's not revenge. Not at all. If I really wanted to punish her, I would have sex with her sister, then best friend, then manipulate our kid to not like her, then take her back lead her on and cheat for the rest of the marriage. If I were truly that type of person, that would be about "just" but I'm not like that. I love her. Very much. I want her to be better for HER and our son. She is having a ton of regret and angst. She's taking drugs- not illegal, but she's on anti anxiety and anti depressants all the time. That's not her. She's never been one of those women that needs to be "regulated" with scipts. I want her to let it go and just accept it for what is is. Hence the therapy. She asked me to go, I didn't and won't volunteer for anything for her. I want her to get better for herself.

@Bfree, she needs to get better coping skills and relinquish her jealousy and constant need for my affection. In short she would need to make her own happiness and not rely on me to create it for her. I truly believe her affair stemmed from built up jealously, lack of communication, and me "ignoring her emotional needs" and her need to get my attention. I also think she wanted it too. She wanted the thrill of it as well, something of a secret she could hold over me. In short, she would really need to "woman up". Even then tho, I'm not really sure. I'm doing pretty well, so I don't know if I could even reconcile. I guess, I'll know if I even get to that headspace.
 
#171 ·
Your descriptions sound very similar to my ex and how I felt at that time.

My youngest son was 18 at that time, so I wasn't willing to be under the same roof because of his needs.

Once I was out of the house, I cherished the new freedom! It was so GOOD to be with women that had not betrayed me. The end game was a great new wife, good in-laws, and a really awesome circle of new friends.

Maybe you are still using her as a safety net. Not a bad thing, just wondering if that is part of it. It seems that her family and friends would be her support system.

I may have been lucky, but after going through the D things just worked out so nicely on the relationship stuff. Hope you experience that someday too.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top