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She asked me out.

105K views 262 replies 79 participants last post by  ButtPunch 
#1 ·
So, just like 10 minutes ago I got a call from her. It was pertaining to our kid and then she asked me out on a date, lol. Now, she has been trying to bang me for months. It started on D-day and it really hasn't stopped. Although the last few weeks leading up to a divorce- (that was finalized last week) she was going from angry super diva b!tch on wheels too, I can't live without you I need you type person. So... Yeah. Now I said, "on your dollar homeslice, I might consider it". And she said, "Well yeah, silly bear that's why I'm asking you". I said "where"? and she was like "anywhere you want" So I said a restaurant that is five star and famous. And she agreed.

Now, I'm not inclined to miss out on a 5 star meal. I mean for a lonely ole' civil servant that maybe pulls in 50 grand a year, this sounds pretty good. And plus, I think I just need to bang her out a bit. Really, I can't think of any reason not to do this. Divorce is done and done. Marriage is dissolved.

So.... Yeah, I think it's a great idea.

So TAM. Am I in the clear here. Or am I batsh!t nuts just like my ex, lol.

Thoughts?

I know this opening doors for crazy stuff to happen. But in all honesty, I do really, really miss her.
 
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#170 ·
I feel so awful reading a lot of these post reading stories here, and sometimes it makes me not even want to marry. But I got to be honest, and I don't want you to take this the wrong way Flood. But I'd kill to live your life, even dealing with the affair.

One of my biggest things holding me back is the fear of being cheated on since it seems like nowadays you can be doing everything right and still get cheated on. But man, the way you handled it was some boss level sh%t, cause it seems like for once, the cheater really got the message that she screwed up and didn't get the BS to bend over like the attended plan.

Now, she's pretty much begging to get back, AFTER the divorce, which really made me interested. Normally the WS either seems to give up or don't even try, but from what I've read, seems she really knows she really screwed the pooch.

So even though this is your life and all, and it sucks you're going through this, reading how you're handling it is giving me some serious study notes my dude. So just in case something like this ever did happen to me, I want to be prepared and ready for war instead of getting caught offguard and out in the cold in nothing but boxers.

So thanks for the indirect leading by example lol.
 
#172 ·
@kristin

Yeah it is what it is, the reality is that I can and probably will never trust her enough. I love her. And I can't just ignore it. I have tried. Divorce, separate houses, coldness, having tons of women and so on and so on. It hasn't' really left or even decreased. So, I've given her just enough to either prove that she's worthy of even consideration ( and when I say consideration, I mean dating. She will not move in with me. And we will not act like hubby and wife basically, it will just move to an exclusive GF type of thing). It will be slow- slow for us I guess, I mean we are having lots of sex, so slow for us isn't really slow-this should probably be addressed in the therapy session. If she wants to see other guys then that's cool and I'll know that it's truly time to move on. And I will.

@singledude21.

Marriage and relationships are great and amazing. Don't let my story or any on TAM jade you from experiencing true singular exclusive love of another. Marriage is great if both of you"buy into it" so to speak. Not every woman cheats-many do tho, so always be weary of red flags and never. NEVER. put women on a pedestal. And listen bro, you sound young. I'm guessing your in your early or mid twenties. At this age, it's all about bangin' as many chicks as possible so that you know what you want. Have fun. Then you can find a woman that is compatable with you and wants a family and marriage. However, as my story is an example, even then things go wrong. It's all about having a spouse that values YOU and the marriage more than their selfish needs. Really cheating is all about the WS poor coping skills and selfishness. It is what it is. But don't be afraid to find love cause you think you'll get burned.

@Lovemytruck

I'm happy that you found love and a second marriage. I'm done with marriage. Pretty sure on that one. And I think I've found my one love already. But that's just me. I've never been the type of fall in and out of love over and over again. My ex is the only woman I've ever really loved. In terms of finding a relationship, I don't really need it to be honest, I miss my ex not really the stuff about relationships, I just miss her. I'm very happy you found love and a better life after you got cheated on. That's the best any of us can hope for.
 
#173 ·
Flood my guess is this. If that is the way you are going to continue handling her. I happen to think for the most part you as you have been handling it really well. Better than most.

I think from her perspective she's got to be thinking (I'm guessing here). She owned a Porsche she took it for granted and now it's gone. Repo'd due to her neglect. She's wondering if its being taken on some harmless joyrides while its not in her garage or if it gone and she'll never get it back.

Let's say by some miracle you (her Porsche) returns. At first she is thrilled to have it back. Then when that fades, she notices the odometer, then looks it over for dings and things that weren't like she left them. The Porsche has lost it's appeal and she's back on the car lot looking.

The above happened to me, only it honestly was just my car. It wasn't repo'd it was stolen. They found it and as soon as I got it back I traded it in.
 
#184 ·
Just read this entire story and while I feel badly for all involved, something really stood out for me.

At one point the OP's ex said that he was "emotionally distant" and "controlling". As I read through this thread it is obvious the OP is now....emotionally distant and controlling with his ex.

Just an observation, if you expect your ex to EVER be a different person with you (not cheat) you are going to need to be a different person as well. I realize you think it feels great to be super alpha or whatever, but what makes you think she will change in the long run if you act in the manner which helped to precipitate the affair? You were super alpha before, according to your posts and that didn't stop sh*t from happening to you. Are you always emotionally distant and controlling toward women? If so, get ready for more cheating.

Now I'm not blaming you for the affair, but I think it is important to realize that if you and your ex get back together, the issues she commented on will resurface again unless you address them. If you think you and your ex will never get back together, then you should man up and be honest with her. Regardless of whether or not, "she is an adult" and "no one is pointing a gun at her head." Be a man and lay it out there for her and for your son.
 
#186 ·
I've read the Flood thread from awhile back plus seen his comments in other threads. He was a player before he married - even dating married women. He became a player again after his wife cheated on him. So while I must say that he handled his cheating wife situation in way that would make him a rock star among the other BH's in the forum, you can also say that the dude simply got run over by the karma bus too.

I have no idea how old the Flood is or when he was a player prior to getting married, but "in another life" the vast majority of BS's on this forum would be screaming for this guy's head. "Post him on cheaterville!" and calls like that would be common. But now that the Flood was a victim of cheating, he's now a "brother in arms".

I like the Flood as a poster on this board, but there would be NFW that I'd let this guy anywhere near my wife. Sorry dude, but that's the truth. I'd bet in real life the vast majority of you BH's wouldn't let this guy near your wives either.
 
#193 ·
I'm afraid this concept is simply too complex for most CWI posters to comprehend.


Then a whole bunch of you better recheck your assumptions. If the Flood is allowed to be perceived in a different light now and not be painted by his prior sins, then why can't so many of the WS's be given the same chance? I've read too many times on here that "once a cheater, always a cheater" is a real. It's tangible and has utility in determining future decisions in the realm of love. If most of you can overlook the serial cheater that the Flood was prior to marriage, then why can't a WS be treated with more compassion on this forum? I know a handful are already. But the way I see it, there are too many people on here who want to rip a WS to shreds before ever hearing both sides of a story and assume the WS is pure evil while the BS is pure goodness.

See what I did there? I took snippets of the Flood's story and ran with what most people think are the "important parts". Once a cheater, always a cheater...right?

Once again.... this is beyond the scope of comprehension of an average "alpha, alpha, more alpha" CWI poster. Sad, isn't it?
 
#187 ·
I don't agree with you Plan 9.

This is exactly the type of guy you want around your wife.

He has learned first hand what infidelity does to a marriage.

He has learned how valuable "family" is showing his son what it means to be man.

Flood is a big boy. Just because he was a player before he married does not mean he is deserving of this type of karma.

I wouldn't mind flood being around my family or my wife. Not because of who Flood is but because of who my wife is.

Flood is a BS just like many of us.

And IMO he is exemplary of any man that has picked up the pieces, put them back together as best as he could and is working on a better future for him, his son and his family.

Divorce kills a marriage but the family continues on, albeit in a different fashion after the divorce.

HM
 
#190 ·
Then a whole bunch of you better recheck your assumptions. If the Flood is allowed to be perceived in a different light now and not be painted by his prior sins, then why can't so many of the WS's be given the same chance? I've read too many times on here that "once a cheater, always a cheater" is a real. It's tangible and has utility in determining future decisions in the realm of love. If most of you can overlook the serial cheater that the Flood was prior to marriage, then why can't a WS be treated with more compassion on this forum? I know a handful are already. But the way I see it, there are too many people on here who want to rip a WS to shreds before ever hearing both sides of a story and assume the WS is pure evil while the BS is pure goodness.

See what I did there? I took snippets of the Flood's story and ran with what most people think are the "important parts". Once a cheater, always a cheater...right?
 
#191 ·
Flood is a guy who thinks about these things. His goal has been to avoid losing control of his life. He and Emptyshelldad are in the same position in many respects.

In some of Flood's posts on other infidelity threads he is a little harsher than I think he would be towards his ex. He doesn't get off on hurting her. Flood used to love his ex, inspite of what happened. Maybe that love is fading. It could be that Flood wants to keep his ex chasing him.

Does successful reconciliation have to result in marriage? I am not certain of that. It certainly what everyone is taught.

If Flood or Emptyshelldad's exes started LTR with other men and gave up trying to get them back, would they feel regret? Would they come and talk about it?

Reading about LD wives on TAM ia real agony. I am not sure that those marriages are more successful than Flood or ShellDad's LTR's with exes.
 
#194 ·
So the question is is Flood as mean to his ex as he recommends others be to theirs?

Is he talking up the callousness?

At the end of day any BS who wants R has work at forgiving the WS. The WS cannot be shuffle around with shackles of guilt for 30 years. That's no happy marriage.

There all sorts of issues that require some delicacy. If, for example, a WW had anal sex with POSOM while denying that to BH. BH should perhaps not harp on this and try to get even by getting back territory that the OM seized. A backdoor triumph over a WW might not improve their relationship, especially it was mechanically vengeful. Some transactions are only successful when they go unlabeled. You cannot do an autopsy on a living patient.
 
#196 ·
I confess I *love* Ole Flood's posts and threads. There's something that appeals to the imagination - WW the Super-Babe; Flood, the Uber-Alpha Fireman former Abercrombie-Fitch model....Whew! It's like reading an awesome romance novel with heightened drama and hot characters. So much so that I find myself wondering how much is real, how much is fantasy.

What I do find fascinating is that as hot-sexy-smart-talented both Flood and WW are, neither can escape the natural consequences of their actions, nor the failings of their egos.

Flood admitted he was an outrageous flirt throughout his marriage, his wife suspecting him of cheating while she was pregnant; she believed he cheated with her sister. That's a HUGE violation of trust, in my book. Even though he was faithful to her in the strictest, Bill-Clinton-Depends-What-your-definition-of-IS-is, literal no PIV sense (so big kudos to him for that), he allowed her to feel less than she was his one and only.

So, she cheats. He finds pictures and is crushed. But quickly kicks her out the door. Only to let her in to be his F-buddy, as part of the rotation of babes he enjoys.

Wow. So he's "won", I guess. If marriage is a game of ones-upmanship, and other BS on TAM cheer him on as the ultimate superhero fantasy.

But, in real life, the drama continues. Will Flood be able to reign in his ego enough to find the humility and gratitude necessary for lasting joy and happiness. Hope so. We're all works in progress in life, and if it's important to him, he'll find what he needs.
 
#197 ·
I confess I *love* Ole Flood's posts and threads. There's something that appeals to the imagination - WW the Super-Babe; Flood, the Uber-Alpha Fireman former Abercrombie-Fitch model....Whew! It's like reading an awesome romance novel with heightened drama and hot characters. So much so that I find myself wondering how much is real, how much is fantasy.

What I do find fascinating is that as hot-sexy-smart-talented both Flood and WW are, neither can escape the natural consequences of their actions, nor the failings of their egos.

Flood admitted he was an outrageous flirt throughout his marriage, his wife suspecting him of cheating while she was pregnant; she believed he cheated with her sister. That's a HUGE violation of trust, in my book. Even though he was faithful to her in the strictest, Bill-Clinton-Depends-What-your-definition-of-IS-is, literal no PIV sense (so big kudos to him for that), he allowed her to feel less than she was his one and only.

So, she cheats. He finds pictures and is crushed. But quickly kicks her out the door. Only to let her in to be his F-buddy, as part of the rotation of babes he enjoys.

Wow. So he's "won", I guess. If marriage is a game of ones-upmanship, and other BS on TAM cheer him on as the ultimate superhero fantasy.

But, in real life, the drama continues. Will Flood be able to reign in his ego enough to find the humility and gratitude necessary for lasting joy and happiness. Hope so. We're all works in progress in life, and if it's important to him, he'll find what he needs.
I love the internet. But it has had a nasty side effect of dehumanizing people. A lot of stuff said on these threads would never be uttered in real life. In the world of TAM, you can be considered a rock star. But in real life, the same situation would make you do a double take.

Think about it. Your cheating ex wife is now one of your girls that you have in your rotation. Frankly, I find this practice abhorrent. Someone mentioned that a great example is being set for his son. Really? I don't think so...
 
#198 ·
From what i remember he was a player BEFORE marriege, but after married he never chaeted- correct me if i'm wrong.
Then again he toke action to move forward, if his exw needs the drama and cant get over it, well..... thats her problem!
She is punishing herself NOT HIM!
so yeah.....
alpha is not a person who shows muscles, its a person who stands by his morals, and does not allow anything or anyone to affect it.
Alpha is taking action and letting that talk for him.
 
#200 ·
You womanize prior to getting married - even sleeping with other married women - and no doubt actually seducing married women. Yet this person is NOT viewed as a player and a serial cheater who should not be shunned, i.e. "once a cheater, always a cheater". As of today, he has a rotation of women, so he's now a player again. Will he take the next step and hit on married women again? I have no idea. Would I be dumb enough to allow my wife to be with him one on one alone? NFW.

Now consider the WW here. To our knowledge, she cheated in her marriage, but there is no info stating that she was a serial cheater in her past. As of today, she seems to be only seeing the OP, hoping to get back with him while she waits her turn in his rotation. Yet she is still perceived as the cheating wh0re who deserves her lot in life to atone for her sin.

Do you see the hypocrisy yet? Logically speaking, if both appear to be repentant of their "sins", you either have to accept them both as flawed people trying to do better in life or you damn them both for being cheaters and players.
 
#203 ·
What-your-definition-of-IS-is, literal no PIV sense (so big kudos to him for that), he allowed her to feel less than she was his one and only.
CSquare

He might have allowed her to feel that way. But that is conjecture on your part. Maybe she did, maybe she didn't. Only his wife or Flood can answer that.

But guess what. She had a choice to make. Take it or leave.

She could have divorced flood instead she chose to cheat on him.

Enough said.

HM
 
#209 ·
You have a point, Happy. She did have a choice, I guess. But maybe in her mind, she felt her options for getting through to him were limited because there is a kid involved.

It takes some nerve to leave a marriage and force your kids into a broken home. Maybe the affair was a *lame* attempt on her part to get his attention.
 
#213 ·
The moral high ground is a fallacy In which a person assumes a "holier-than-thou" attitude in an attempt to make himself or herself look good to win an argument.


He did what he had to do to gain some equilibrium something every BS dose when face with this kind situation and it may differ from person to person its totally understandable and respectful IMO.
 
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#216 ·
I understand it, but it is not morally right, as someone mentioned.

It is interesting/sad to read all the back patting from other BHs and from Flood. I mean, they enjoy the revenge aspect. This isn't about putting things right, growing, moving forward, etc.. It is solely about revenge. Heck, Flood has stated this several times in his posts. Revenge is considered the moral high ground? Since when?

He could have gained equilibrium by moving on and telling his ex that she wasn't good enough for him, he deserves to be with someone better than her, and then finding someone better. Now THAT would have given him some equilibrium and it would have provided an ego boost. It would not have involved ego boosting revenge with a lack of emotional involvement/controlling, which I realize is not popular with BHs on this board.
 
#221 ·
I am not sure what the Flood bashing is all about but I read all his threads again and thought that he handled himself very well. He was a player before marriage. Het met and fell madly in love with his (now ex)wife. He was completely faithful to her during their marriage. He is somebody who leaps into burning buildings and rescues people (and for that he has my eternal respect and gratitude). She did something pretty vile and he saw pictures! He spared the OMW seeing the pics out of consideration for her feelings. He divorced her but makes sure that custody is fair. He went out with other women after this. And suddenly he is the subject of this discussion as being someone who did not behave completely honourably????

For what its worth (and I will probably get slammed for this here) I do believe that he is still madly in love with his ex-wife and she with him. What she did was sh!tty in trying to match up to his (premarital) player status except that she did it during their marriage. From what I understand they are both very attractive to the opposite sex. And so we slam him because he is still attracted to and in love with his ex-wife.

I kind of hope that he gives her another chance because it is clear that they are nuts about each other. My 2 cents worth - let the slamming begin!
 
#233 ·
I think you've summed it up very well. What was sh!tty about it was that he kept telling himself (and us) that there was NO WAY he was going to get back together with her. So it isn't exactly like sleeping with another woman.

But I also agree that from his reactions I think there is some hints of love there. Perhaps they will date again?

See, I'm not bashing you. If you insist I can go back and re-edit this... :)
 
#232 ·
So, just like 10 minutes ago I got a call from her. It was pertaining to our kid and then she asked me out on a date, lol. Now, she has been trying to bang me for months. It started on D-day and it really hasn't stopped. Although the last few weeks leading up to a divorce- (that was finalized last week) she was going from angry super diva b!tch on wheels too, I can't live without you I need you type person. So... Yeah. Now I said, "on your dollar homeslice, I might consider it". And she said, "Well yeah, silly bear that's why I'm asking you". I said "where"? and she was like "anywhere you want" So I said a restaurant that is five star and famous. And she agreed.

Now, I'm not inclined to miss out on a 5 star meal. I mean for a lonely ole' civil servant that maybe pulls in 50 grand a year, this sounds pretty good. And plus, I think I just need to bang her out a bit. Really, I can't think of any reason not to do this. Divorce is done and done. Marriage is dissolved.

So.... Yeah, I think it's a great idea.

So TAM. Am I in the clear here. Or am I batsh!t nuts just like my ex, lol.

Thoughts?

I know this opening doors for crazy stuff to happen. But in all honesty, I do really, really miss her.
Just in case you forgot the first post.
 
#236 ·
Wow, I had no clue that this thread would get so much recent attention and scrutiny. First off, my wife is an incredible person, I've said how good of a person she is, despite her cheating, before. I am not punishing her at all, she made a terribly stupid yet purposeful choice, to cheat on me. It was a deal breaker, this was established by both of us when we began dating- (fvcking other people was a no, no. Period.)

I just kept to the agreement so to speak. Now, have I been cold and demonstrative a bit. Yeah. But that's just kinda my personality when something like this has happened. But I am not punishing her at all. I want nothing but the best for her and for her to continue to be a great mother. If that means, that her and I have no contact at all, then that would be fine. I am not coercing her or forcing her to see me sexually at all. She initiates it most of the time. Now, she is using it to get me back, that I have no doubt of, and I'm okay with that. I know it's not easy for her too, but at the end of the day it was her choice to cheat. Just as it was my choice to file, and it's my choice to continue to see her sexually. But it's her choice here. I'm not forcing her to do anything. As far as putting her on the rotation, again I'm totally up front with her about this, I'm not forcing her at all. She just wants a piece. So she gets a slice every now and then.


As far as my past. I've a lot of women, it is what it is, and I don't regret it at all. Many were married, I was a player to the max and a dog. I cheated on "girlfriends" that I lied to. And so on and so on. I was a real piece of work, clear tell I was about 24. So I do think it's karma, I've said so before. Now, I didn't deserved (no one does) to be cheated on, but I kinda "had it coming" I guess (although, I've been cheated on in the past). It's really to bad that the love of my life did it to me. But, it happened and I moved on.

As far as the present, I'm pretty sure that all the chicks I've had since I filed and kicked WW out, are single. I don't actively seek out married woman. I have no desire to be the "other man" ever. EVER. Again.

I appreciate everyone's comments and concerns and opinions on this thread and about my situation. TAM has been a great place to vent and collect my thoughts about my marriage and my exes affair. I have a pretty cut and dry "policy" when dealing with a cheating wife. However, that doesn't mean it would work for everyone nor does it mean that I don't respect and value others perspectives on said subject.


As always, thanks TAM.

And as always, stay classy TAM.
 
#240 ·
Wow, I had no clue that this thread would get so much recent attention and scrutiny. First off, my wife is an incredible person, I've said how good of a person she is, despite her cheating, before. I am not punishing her at all, she made a terribly stupid yet purposeful choice, to cheat on me. It was a deal breaker, this was established by both of us when we began dating- (fvcking other people was a no, no. Period.)

I just kept to the agreement so to speak. Now, have I been cold and demonstrative a bit. Yeah. But that's just kinda my personality when something like this has happened. But I am not punishing her at all. I want nothing but the best for her and for her to continue to be a great mother. If that means, that her and I have no contact at all, then that would be fine. I am not coercing her or forcing her to see me sexually at all. She initiates it most of the time. Now, she is using it to get me back, that I have no doubt of, and I'm okay with that. I know it's not easy for her too, but at the end of the day it was her choice to cheat. Just as it was my choice to file, and it's my choice to continue to see her sexually. But it's her choice here. I'm not forcing her to do anything. As far as putting her on the rotation, again I'm totally up front with her about this, I'm not forcing her at all. She just wants a piece. So she gets a slice every now and then.


As far as my past. I've a lot of women, it is what it is, and I don't regret it at all. Many were married, I was a player to the max and a dog. I cheated on "girlfriends" that I lied to. And so on and so on. I was a real piece of work, clear tell I was about 24. So I do think it's karma, I've said so before. Now, I didn't deserved (no one does) to be cheated on, but I kinda "had it coming" I guess (although, I've been cheated on in the past). It's really to bad that the love of my life did it to me. But, it happened and I moved on.

As far as the present, I'm pretty sure that all the chicks I've had since I filed and kicked WW out, are single. I don't actively seek out married woman. I have no desire to be the "other man" ever. EVER. Again.

I appreciate everyone's comments and concerns and opinions on this thread and about my situation. TAM has been a great place to vent and collect my thoughts about my marriage and my exes affair. I have a pretty cut and dry "policy" when dealing with a cheating wife. However, that doesn't mean it would work for everyone nor does it mean that I don't respect and value others perspectives on said subject.


As always, thanks TAM.

And as always, stay classy TAM.

Check the bold. You don't respect women, so thy ultimately won't respect you. They my f*ck you, but that won't keep them faithful. I keep wondering what you have changed about your behavior from your wife's affair. I see you maybe being slightly less emotionally involved but just as controlling. Are you thinking that it was simply a case of her being a "bad" woman and you being faultless?
 
#237 ·
Alphas rarely come to TAM. And they never come to CWI. Flood is no alpha.

Alphas exist, but they are rare like Haley's Comet. And they dont need advice from strangers on the internet.

I like this version of Flood. But if he turned me into a betrayed spouse the way he turned those poor S.O.B.'s into one.

I would have destroyed him just like my ex wife's OM.

And he likely would have learned his lesson. As my ex wifes OM recenty confided in me.

Karma took care of Flood, even though the betrayed husbands never got to. He did not deserve to be cheated on. But life is full of surprising checks and balances.

As for his wife, its a sad tale that she is the author of. A better man would respect his sons Mother more. But... it is what it is.

At least he is giving her a honesty she did not afford him during her affair.
 
#238 ·
Pretty much. I played with fire when I was younger and I did get burned. Once. And it had a profound impact on how I viewed how I was living. But yeah, like I said. I was a real POS and player back in the day. But I did change.I was completely faithful in relationship with my ex. I expected the same from her. But.... Life happens I guess.

And I'm not a good man. I just hang out with good people.


Although I do run into burning buildings when 99 percent of "Men" run away screaming and acting all scared and stuff. So... I guess there's that. But it's a real rush, so I get a lot out of it. I respect my wife. She's a great person and an amazing mother. And for that, I will always be thankful.
 
#242 ·
Flood,

Don't take offense. Your thread is very important for people because if you can have an exclusive relationship with your ex, but date other women, well, then you have achieved what Mach would call the harem. A man with a harem is a threat to monogamous marriage. Are you a worse threat than cheaters?

Marriage is on the decline. Divorce is on the rise. So maybe your relationship lifestyle is a pattern on the rise. It's not pleasant for B males or women who want marriage to a "fireman".

If your ex agrees to remain monogamous, how much sex do you have provide her to keep her happy?

You have told her that you use condoms with other women, yes?

Do you have any desire for her to live with you and your son? You are primary custodian, right? What is the split time wise?

How do you imagine your son is going to feel in the future about his family?

She is happy with you as a father and visa versa. Is this bringing your closer? Are you taking vacations together?
 
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