He's still around.
I have sent a text to OW as you suggested. She told him and he in turn reacted to it in anger. I don't know if it does any good. Everytime in anger he will say that he does not want to be together with me anymore and going to move. I'm tired of hearing this already.
We manage to have some time talk calmly about us. All he does is blame our bad relationship on me, which is expected. When I want to have my say, it was cut off again like everytime. One thing that he made very clear is he's staying. But he did not say anything about OW. One thing is very clear, resentment and anger is still there.
One site suggest backing off and wait for problem in their relationship as "in love" phase will wear out and they cannot proceed with their life with me in it. The girl is still single so sooner or later, she will get rid of him. At the same time, i have to build up mentally and financially in case I'm kicking him out.
First, does everyone important to him and you know about the affair. If not, tell them. This can be a difficult thing to do. The OM's family ought to know so that they OM will have to deal with the fact she is interfering with a marriage. At that point you have to wait. Go to my thread ot CMF's thread and read about Plan A at marriagebuilders.com. This will help you gain perspective.
In my situation, I am waiting for the megatives in their relationship to compound. It will likely be months before damage starts to show.
They all know but don't want to get their hands sticky on the situation. They all think i'm being paranoid since they don't see much changes on him. He doesn't go out. The relationship is long distance i believe. He'll be in front of the computer the whole night which is basically what he's doing before also. I'm the only one who can feel the changes. They all believe that all couple fight, sooner or later they will reconcile, no need to get all sticky and headache over those two. both of them are young and stubborn.
He has this fantasy of ideal relationship, which he has since we were together long ago. We were in long distance relationship then. When we stay together, he can't live with the reality. We have conflict over that. He believes that in ideal relationship, everyone is nice to everyone else. People don't argue like in real life relationship of his brothers family and sisters family. If you want a good relationship, you must follow my idea of ideal relationship then everything will be good. His family all know about that and say that is who he is.
All is about him, my opinion is never heard, no compromise on that. I heard him having conflict with the girl over that too. Nobody can live with that idea and she's losing on his love banks too. If it ends, i believe he will start another ea with someone else. the feeling of "in love" and "ideal relationship' is so important to him. Until one find day, he wakes up from his dream/fantasy and wiling to face a real world relationship, nobody can help him.
I feel so hurt. I don't know how to face him anymore. On good days, I feel that maybe I could forgive and make this work, but on bad days, I'm not sure anymore. By working on plan A, does it mean that I have to play along on his "ideal relationship/ideal wife" role? It is not something that I believe on and I have a hard time on that. I can only try the bit on the love busters. I know I have selfish demands, disrespectful judgement and angry outburst, which at times was very bad. It's hard to control my emotion sometimes.
Bellz: Plan A is to protect you. At this point you need to start looking after the YOU. Your H is not going to suddenly do a turn around. If he is on the system all night do things to protect yourself, go out - preferably with family or a close female friend, there must be no implication that you are disinterested in the marriage or that you have embarked on an affair yourself. Your well being is now your primary task; you need to be strong, mentally, emotionally and physically.
Be patient and yes it is going to hurt you, you are human after all, but part of the process is for him to know he is hurting you and disrespecting you as his wife. He will snarl at you, be angry, ignore you and much more.
You have said his family know, continue to spread the word, embarrass his mom by letting people she knows that he is having an affair, his mother should stop protecting him and downplaying what is happening – try gathering hard evidence
If you can find the contact details of the OW’s Husband or family, place of work. Etc do so. And disclose the affair to them. . Do not worry about the impact on her when this happens; you need to keep her out of your husbands way.
At the moment you are in limbo and need a concrete way forward
Get plan A into operation, be strong and stay on coarse.
Do you have the details of Plan A ? or do you want someone to place them on this thread for you
Wisp: Roughly i have the idea. Mother in law is being mild with him. She knows that him contacting OW is making me unhappy. She told her son that if this contact is making your wife unhappy, reduce the contact of that sort. She did not say STOP CONTACT. She only say REDUCE CONTACT.
found out hubby is online dating with another girl (from another country) while at the same time still in contact with the first girl. This started after they have fight or he found something he doesn't like about the girl. Some behaviour that is against his "ideal relationship". Well, now the situation has changed, its not against one person anymore. It's against a few person now. It sure change the plan now. there's no point breaking him up with one girl and he easily can start another.
Sounds like he likes to live in a fantasy world. I know grown men 35-40 that spend 30-40hrs a week playing online video games. These guys are married, have kids, and work!! Yet they are just hooked in this 3rd party world of fantasy.
I can't say if your husband is going to "act" on any of this since all of it is long distance. He seems like a dreamer good luck this seems like a deep rooted personality issue to me.
yes, he's the type that spend hours on computer games. now this online dating takes over. When he was young, he worked few years in a cybercafe. That's when this habit starts. when he stopped working there it goes off. Until last year he installed broadband at home.
we found each other online and was in long distance relationship then. I don't know whether he still continue his online dating while we were apart, but from what i heard from his mother, he's like this all this while. he's now only 29. In his fantasy, all his family members are there except me. and he's trying to find his "ideal partner". I have turned from his "ideal partner" when we were online dating to the "evil witch" in reality after married.
Rather than an isolate affair, it has something to do with his believe system. do you think this is still workable?
It is resolvable but you have to be strong, let his mother know once more that this behaviour is going to result in a separation. Her full support is required or she will be part of the consequences and subsequent embarrassment.
Read Plan A then start it - do you have a copy or need access to it?
thanks wisp. Maybe i need a long copy of it. Last week i was in an accident. Crashed the car. Nothing major but the car is in workshop. Now he need to send me to work everyday. We have more chance to talk and he seems nicer. He mentioned a few times the uncomfort of sleeping in the other room. First week he say he's comfortable there. Now he complaints hot, mosquito bites and rashes. He did not mention that he wants to come back to our room. And i don't think i should suggest that. He is still in contact with ow. He doesn't say that he's choose me. And keep saying he can't communicate with me. However, he shared some of his dreams or future plan with me. I wonder what is his future plan with ow. This week he say the company need to send him outstation. I don't know how much can i believe him. I know the last 2 times has been to meet the ow. Posted via Mobile Device
In the meantime I will see if I can find an extract
Working on that myself. There are good explanations in the books from Harley (Surviving An Affair for example)- but it's difficult to find a specific guide. In essence, Plan A is a temporary plan that you put in place in which you do all you can to stop ANYTHING that causes your spouse to lose love for you, and instead concentrate on doing everything you can to express love. You do thin by learning what behaviors your spouse sees as both damaging and helpful - and then avoiding the damaging and actively pursuing the positive.
It is a temporary phase (with regard to an affair) because while the affair lasts, your spouse will not be doing the same thing for you. Most likely, instead, he will be avoiding pretty much anything that assures you of love, and do everything he can to hurt you - intentionally or not. A human being cannot live under those conditions for long without losing all their love for their spouse.
For that reason, you must set a definite time frame: 3 months, 6 months, a year - depending on your patience and ability to take damage. At the end of that time, you reassess where your marriage is - and if necessary you move to Plan B, which is an entirely different approach.
Note, however, that if things get too painful for you, it is also possible to move to Plan B before your time frame expires. The only request that we veterans would make of you is that you discuss moving to Plan B, and how to go about starting it, before you do it.
Here is an article that contains a similar step: look at the 'Carrot & Stick' (step 5) phase of the seven steps.
Basically, Plan A is a time when you offer yourself to your spouse as the Greatest Wife In The Universe. There are reasons: first, this is a way to create some new love in your spouse - he will recognize all you do for him - even if you don't admit it. Second, this will build up a strong knowledge in him of what he will be missing if he leaves you (also, this will be very apparent if you do move to Plan B) - all of the sudden, all of the support, the wood that was being thrown onto his love-fire will be gone, and he will (hopefully) recognize this and want to come back.
the first girl found out about the second girl. They have a fight. He doesn't contact second girl anymore, i think. Since her mother is not supporting, there's no point. Some more she doesn't agree to me snooping his son. I'm not very close with his friends but guys will back up guys. I'm trying the plan a now. Like i posted earlier, he seems nicer this week but still distant. Posted via Mobile Device