backtous

Hi there,
My boyfriend and I have been together for four years when I found out he had cheated. We had both just finished college and were looking at engagement rings.
I found out from a friend that while I was home doing my internship that he was seen with this other girl. When I confronted him, at first he denied it however, after a while he admitted to sleeping with her. I was crushed. I ended our relationship on the spot saying I could never be with him ever again.
Now it has been six months and I have recently opened communication again with him. He has been doing everything in his power to get me back. There is a huge part of me that believes that he will never do this again but there is another huge part of me that worries I am being a "stupid girl" and just falling for his tricks. I am torn over what to do. It is hard because I love him more than I think I can love anyone. We have the same goals and want the same things in life. Four years later we can still talk for hours. BUT I cannot get the fact that he cheated out of my mind.
The question I have is should I give a second chance? Is there anyone who dealt with something similar before they were married? Any advice would be helpful.
Thank you

hopelessly_devoted

yes. dealing with something similar currently.

you have got to be able to forgive & to move on. if you are capeable of forgiving, then there is a chance you can get through it. you also need to find out why he really cheated & what he is going to do differently to make sure it doesnt happen again. clearly changes need to be made. it is possible that he is truly sorry & wont do it again. it is also possible that he could do it again. forgiving is SO hard but if you think you can really let go & move on with him... its worth a shot if you do love him that much.

there are a lot of people that dont believe in second chances. some things are unforgiveable, but if you truly believe that he is sorry with his whole heart & is willing to put in the work to get through it... then i do believe its worth a shot. he probably learned his lesson.

strawberry

i think he will cheat again.

hopelessly_devoted

if you really think that, he doesnt deserve another chance. why put yourself through that again?

Bellz

the best is to move on. You deserve better than this.
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wlinlcpc

It sounds like you want him back but don't trust that he won't do it again. If this relationship is to work, I believe he has to be willing to earn your trust back, which may mean he has to tell you where he is every moment of the day and ways you can confirm. I would also suggest couples counseling to process his infidelity so it doesn't become a barrier to your relationship. Best of luck to you both.

twotimeloser

fresh out of college, and about to be engaged.

What would you say if your friend asked you for advice?

I would say... " girl, you really want to spend the time building a house for 50 years on a shakey foundation?"

while you are 6 months out and can survive without him.. just leave it be.

This is no way to start the rest of your life. start it pure. you have plenty of time.

Lazarus

If you want him back he has to work hard, extremely hard to win your affection and trust again. If you do decide to let him into your life as you seem to be doing, understand that he may break your heart again in the future . Are you prepared to face this possibility? It could be a future with the divorce courts and single parenthood. No relationship, this one or others offers a cast iron guarantee of fidelity but you can both become educated about having healthy relationships to make sure you affair proof ANY relationship in the future.

It is sad that you have had this terrible experience but as you are young it could be turned into a blessing in diguise because you could have discovered this when you are committed and married with children and a home. It is a devastating experience and one should be able to go through life without ever experiencing this sort of treachery but, with the internet easy sex and infidelity at the click of a mouse, the high risk is ever present for any relationship.

Maybe go to a pre marriage class and go through all the difficult soul searching questionnaires about what you want out of life etc and this might make you both re-consider everything.

The fact you are rightly doubting him, means you are starting off any long committed married relationship on a bad foundation.

Saying you "love him" and that you think you cannot love anyone more than him maybe how you see it at the moment, but you are already in a position of weakness in this situation by making this statement because you may be compromising your moral standards and what is acceptable and not acceptable to you.

Maybe better to find someone else and have the discussions about fidelity and infidelity before as opposed to after the event. You may never trust this man again and he may see infidelity as an inbuilt pattern of behaviour or he has just learned the consequences of infidelity. Check his family background. Cheaters can learn from cheating parents and they may see infidelity as acceptable behaviour.

Ask a person if they believe in monogamy in a relationship. If the person says they believe in monogamy with the " right person" that statement is an indicator that if you become the "wrong person" it is OK for them to cheat. You want someone who believes in monogamy in a relationship, full stop, not just with the "right" person.

blownaway

I'm sorry that he hurt you like that. With everything that I've learned after being a spouse that has been horribly betrayed, I can tell you that if your gut says run ... you should run. Learn to trust your gut - it will be your best friend throughout your entire life. If it's screaming now, listen to it.

I can also say that, while none of us can ever predict the future, the fact that he cheated while you were talking about finding an engagement ring may be the next best thing to having a crystal ball. That says a lot. Talking about committing to each other forever, to share a life and have children one day is a monumental thing and if he chose to cheat at that point in the relationship, I'm not sure he would take any other point in the relationship seriously.

I don't know you or your BF so I'm not trying to come off as judgmental or harsh. But, you are young, you are not tied to this guy at all and can move on to find what you deserve. A lot of us are stuck here either trying with all our might to reconcile and save a marriage for the sake of children and many years together and/or we are in the midst of a separation/divorce that was forced upon us and are trying to figure out just what the hell happened and how we're supposed to raise kids after the total destruction of an affair.

My personal opinion - don't go backwards. You can live without him and have been doing it for 6 months. Take the time to heal and think about what you really want in a life partner and what is really important for the long haul. I bet you will come to the conclusion that you don't want someone who professes his love and shops for engagement rings, but then cheats the minute you turn your back and doesn't bother to come clean about it until he gets caught.