hollyann

I have been married for 23 years. I found out 1.5 years ago that my H has been cheating. Since I am a Christian, I forgave him, and allowed him back to try to work on our marriage. Since then he left came back and 3x in 1.5 has lied about ending his relationship with this OW. I have just in last 2 weeks discovered again that it continues. Please help give me advice on what I need to do. I dont feel I can live this way, but afyer 23 yrs I feel I cant live without him

NotJustMe

I'm sure someone will be by shortly who can give better advice, but let me assure you that you are most definitely capable of living without him, if that is what you choose to do.

hollyann

It is easy to say that I know, my entire world is wrapped up in this man. I thought we were happy 2 grown kids, marriage seemed better than ever over last 8 months. total shock. I caught him, now he says again, it will end. Dont know if I trust that anymore.

Lyn

HollyAnn,

I am so sorry.

A place which helped me a lot was DearPeggy.com - Extramarital Affairs Resource Center. I'm on a second book of hers which is called The Monagamy Myth.

I do know how you feel. My biggest question, here, is...what the problem is with your husband...does he feel unable to give up the OW, or?

Here's what I would do, take it or leave it: when he is earnestly telling me how much he loves me and wants it to be over, etc., I would ask him to prove it by going to a counselor and trying to figure out why this can't be resolved once and for all. Does he want to be married to you? What will he do if you should come tot he decision that you can't live with his duplicity? Some men, including my husband, are a "have your cake and eat it, too" person. I would try to find out if he would end it for good if he thought he were going to lose me.

I know that some Christians believe that adultery is a (the only) valid reason for divorce, but in having spoken to my own pastor and my spiritual advisor, they agree with me that an affair is not necessarily a deal-breaker because the marriages which survive are usually the strongest marriages. Abuse, however, is indeed valid reason for divorce.

Anyway, that is my take, get to the root of what the deal is with your husband. I hope he will be cooperative. If it helps you, the blog of our story is at

After His Affair

Best,

Lyn

Tanelornpete

Four things to do today to save your marriage.

I'm so sorry you have to face this - but keep in mind that you do not face it alone! You have the best support in all the universe with you all the time (Heb 4:15)

You've come to a good forum - you'll get lots of great advice here. Also, some really bad. Test everything to see if it is the right thing (Acts 17:11) There is a lot of hope for your marriage.

I always argue pro-marriage. I do not believe there are many situations that actually warrant divorce, and as I too am a Christian, I believe that God is able and willing to help His children overcome any difficulty. The first thing to do is keep your eyes on God.

After that - consider what we have to say here.

[quote]I have been married for 23 years. I found out 1.5 years ago that my H has been cheating. Since I am a Christian, I forgave him, and allowed him back to try to work on our marriage. Since then he left came back and 3x in 1.5 has lied about ending his relationship with this OW. I have just in last 2 weeks discovered again that it continues. Please help give me advice on what I need to do.

First thing to do is change your wording in such sentences: you CAN live without him - you don't WANT to - hence, state it this way: "I don't feel I can live this way, but I don't want to live without him."

Next change the words "I don't feel I can live this way" to "I don't want to live this way" - so, your sentence becomes: "I don't want to live this way, but after 23 years I don't want to live without him."

I urge you to do this for a very important reason: in order to get your marriage on track - and build it into something much better than it was - you'll need to start thinking very clearly. You'll have to be very deliberate in everything you do, and understand why you are doing it. Normal life is easy to get by without putting a lot of thought into - but right now your life is NOT normal, and you need to use every tool at your disposal.

In order to get your marriage on track, you'll need to take careful, deliberate steps. There are two parts to getting your marriage back (and making it better):

1) End the affair
2) Work on the marriage.

These must come in order: you can't fix the marriage as long as the affair is going on, because your husband's priorities are given to someone else: the marriage will take a back seat. AT THE MOST, any work you do on the marriage will be limited to what your husband wants from you, and what he wants from this other woman.

He won't be attentive enough to do the work necessary.

So - let's concentrate on the affair:

There are seven steps you can take to combat the affair. Take them one at a time (but I will add an exception) and do them in order.

First step is to gather evidence of the affair. This means save copies of email, get phone records, screen-prints of Facebook chats, IM records, etc - ANYTHING you can find that proves to you that the affair is happening.

I would advise you to do this without telling your husband. Not because I want you to hide things from him, but because the moment you tell him your intention, he will delete and hide anything he can - and proceed to lie to you even more. You do not want to enable him to lie to you any more than you have to.

Gather this evidence and keep it somewhere safe.

Second Step You will confront him with COPIES of the evidence (keep a copy for yourself somewhere safe) and state (do not demand, threaten, etc) that you want the affair to end now, and that you want him to work with you on the marriage.

Do not pay attention to what he argues - this is not a command for him to obey (although that would be nice) - this is a statement that you are aware of the affair, and that you wish to work on the marriage. It is notification that you are fighting FOR your marriage (not fighting him.) Hopefully he will admit his error and ask you what he needs to do (or in some way show that he is willing to work).

What you need: very simple.

1) He writes a NO CONTACT letter to this Other Woman that you read and send YOURSELF.
2) He gives you complete access to ALL his email passwords, facebook accounts, IM accounts, phone, etc., and
3) he commits to working on the marriage.

If he does all that, get the hence to your pastor or a counselor and get to work.

If not:

Step Three Disclosure: Take the evidence to your pastor, or someone else whom your husband respects and considers wise counsel, show them, and ask for their help. Ideally they will set up a meeting to discuss this with your husband. If this is effective, ask for the three conditions I listed above as proof of willingness to work on the marriage. If not:

Step Four Exposure. Take the evidence to his family, your family, friends at church, etc. Expose the affair to the world. Send an email to the Other Woman introducing yourself and telling her you love your husband and are going to fight for your marriage. Send an email to her husband, letting him know of the affair with your husband.

Step FiveDuring ALL of this, be the Greatest Wife the World has Ever Known. Stop doing Love Extinguishers (Love Busters) and start doing Kindlers (Emotional Needs). Here's an article that will help you.

There are more steps (as you'll see in the article) but you are nowhere near that yet - start here, go slow and deliberate, pray, vent on this site, seek advice - and keep coming back!

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via FoxyTunes

Tanelornpete

Lyn - the fact that adultery is a valid reason for divorce does not imply that it requires divorce. It simply means that a moral reason to divorce is there - and that the affected spouse has the choice. Whether they choose to or not is up to them - and choosing to remain in the marriage is just as valid as leaving.

Moreover, a person is not required to divorce based upon abuse either - that is a choice that is left to them (I speak as a Christian) - it is not a moral imperative to divorce in either case. What is granted is that it is an option that becomes moral once the marriage vow has been broken (in the case of both adultery and abuse.)

The strongest marriages are not those that last after an affair ends - they are the ones that become deliberate activities after the affair ends. The ones that actually work on the marriage after the affair ends are the ones that become strong. Marriage on purpose is the goal.

hollyann

We have been to our pastor for counseling after I first found out last year. He soon moved out and was gone for 4 months, only returned because our children wanted him to. Thats when we tried a different approach to working out our problems, which as I said felt as tho our marriage now was better than ever. he showed me everything I wanted, needed, and more, as I did he. That is why i am having such a difficult time understanding how this affair has continued the entire time. I really believed he changed and was in love with me again and wanted this. Now I dont know if he is only addicted to OW or is he sincere in wanting to try again. He had informed me of how he was in love with her when I first found out, I had believed that too had changed for him. I guess not

Lyn

Tanelorenpete,

I understand what you are saying and agree. I was touching on what one hears "out there" in the fellowships, etc. I am also pro-marriage as long as no one is in physical danger, especially children.

Best,

Lyn

Lyn

He may not be in love with her, HollyAnn and, in fact may very well love you. Talornpete has given you some excellent advice and I say leave none of those stones unturned.

Best,

Lyn

Tanelornpete

At the least, Holly - make sure that you give him the three conditions I listed above - these are fair and reasonably - and they will show you that he is willing to work. Also - in doing these things, he will also begin to rethink his commitment - and very likely turn to you.

Lyn - I figured you and I agreed - I just wanted to use it as an opportunity to make some very clear statements - *for the record.*

NotJustMe

As I figured, Tanelornpete comes along and uses the perfect wording for what I was trying to say.

Atholk

You let him back because you're a Christian? Or because the issues had been dealt with effectively?

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