My wife had an emotional affair a few years ago. There was a lot of texting. I don't think there was any physical contact or meeting and she came totally clean about it........ eventually. It devastated me at the time and had a pretty bad affect on our marriage but she ended it immediately and things recovered pretty well.
Here's my question.... Eventhough sometimes I wonder if there is still some kind of ongoing contact (and I have no reason to believe there is ), why does part of me feel guilty about discovering it and making her put an end to it? It's like part of me wants her to have that bit of excitement in her life which she said it brought her at the time while, at the same time, I know that feelings of jealousy would consume me if anything was still going on.
I'm very confused by these feelings. All very contradictory, I know! Can anyone here help me get my head around it all?
How did you find out about the EA? I carry some guilt about finding out about my wife's EA because I violated a trust to get the information - reading her email. I hold our trust in high regard and feel pretty bad when I break it. I expect these feelings will remain as we move along.
If you're guilty a year later, I suspect that the marriage still isn't where it needs to be. I'm considering the EA to be a kind of plea for intimacy that our relationship has lacked. I see before us a long road of rebuilding trust, and of forging in a way, a new marriage. In my case I actually expect the process to take a year or more before we might get to being back in a solid relationship - and that's IF we both choose to work on it and both keep at it and both work hard and don't hit any unforseen setbacks. Are you both still working at your marriage together? I expect that, especially after an affair, maintaining a marriage is a deliberate act of love and effort. If you feel like you're not both putting forth the same level of effort, I can see strange feelings coming to the surface like yours.
Hi Rob. How how I find out it all? I've copied and pasted below from a post I made here a few weeks ago about it and it will explain the whole story, more or less.
My wife started texting a guy who texted her by accident (wrong number) and it went from there. It was I who read the initial text from him. She asked me to read it because she was busy doing something. It was a bit suggestive-I think he was casting his line and hoping for a bite. And he got one. She replied saying that his text was a very suggestive text to be sending to a 40+ married woman. I warned her that sending it was a mistake and she sent it anyway, and it went from there.
I suspected that it wouldn't end there and it didn't! I started checking her phone (something I'd never done before) and, sure enough, the textual affair was up and running.......
During the following week or two, she became very impatient with me and knocked me a lot. She had no interest in me sexually and everything I seemed to do was wrong.
During that time, a text came in to her phone and I read it. It was from him. She asked me who it was from and I said it was some guy who'd send her text jokes over the weekend, if she wanted. She said it wasn't some guy. She said it was a work colleague. I didn't display the patience of a card player and I told her I knew all that had been going on. Initially she denied everything point blankly. Then, bit by bit, she admitted things.
To cut a long story short, she said that the whole thing excited her and that I hadn't shown any interest in her, prior to it all. (Fairly true, I have to admit). She said that he was interested in her purely for who she was, but stressed that they had never met up and that he didn't know her name. He just knew her by her first initial.
Anyway, I totally lost it and shouted at her, asking if she thought I was stupid enough not to cop on to what was going on and to believe, like she had told me, that it wouldn't go any further. Later, she admitted that he had asked to meet her and there had been the suggestion, by him, of something physical between them. The following day, I took her phone to work, with her agreement, and after about an hour, a text came through from him. I replied, pretending to be her and we exchanged about ten texts. Finally, I couldn't take anymore and I phoned him (I hid my cell phone number). I got his voicemail. I told him that it had been me who had been texting him all day long, that I knew what was going on and that I never wanted him to contact my wife again!!!
When I got home, I told my wife what had happened. She became angry, saying that I should have allowed her the chance to finish it instead. I felt a bit foolish over the way I had behaved (I had been blinded by anger) and told her I was sorry. I asked her to text him and to tell him that I shouldn't have done what I did. She said she would and that would be the end of it.
That was definitely the lowest point of my life. Nothing has ever come close to it. I did blame myself, partially, for it, as my wife's emotional needs weren't being met by me. She insists that there was never any contact after that. I believe her but something like this damages trust to the extent that, deep down, there will always be some little element of doubt in my mind.
It all happened about 8 years ago and things returned to "normal" after about 2 years, from what I remember. Maybe even less than that. The problem is that, once something like this happens, can you ever trust someone fully again? I don't think so....... Having said that, she has never given me any reason to doubt her since.
My wife says that she cannot believe that she acted so stupidly and put our marriage at risk, like she did. I never speak about it now because it upsets her so much, when I do. But sometimes it's the elephant in the room. When she gets a text now, I never read it, even if she's not there. And she tells me that I should in case it's important. And each time that happens, I'm sure that both of us are thinking back to what happened.
With regard to your guilt, she was quite angry at the time that I invaded her privacy by reading her texts also. But our marriage is good now, although if you look at some of my other posts, her "secret" heavy use of her vibrator, while telling me that she rarely uses it and has sexual urges, is another issue for me. No marriage is perfect, I guess.
But, as I said in my initial post, I still carry some guilt for depriving her of the excitement it gave her. I obviously find it confusing. Can anyone explain that or has anyone else felt similarly...........?
You should feel guilt, but not for depriving her of HIM. You should feel guilt for not paying attention to the huge big red flashing WAKEUP call it gave you to CHANGE your marriage! Unless you can tell me you turned your marriage around at that point and started learning about her emotional needs, and taking her on dates and spending time with her and making her feel special...basically the kind of things she was thinking of with him, which should have come from you.
If you DID make these changes and she now gets all that from you, no reason to feel guilty, but grateful for the chance to renew your marriage.
I agree with Turnera, and returning to "normal" feels like saying you didn't address the deeper issue in those two years, or didn't address it fully.
Now, I'm still in the trees on my own crisis, but it seems to me that neither spouse would have a real issue with trust years later if they had each applied themselves to the marriage.
In the past, we trusted one another because we assumed we could - a sort of blind trust, because we'd never had to deal with a real emotional betrayal. Going forward, trust is earned. I think you can trust one another fully, just not blindly. Show your spouse that you are worthy of trust, and that trust grows like the trunk of a tree - a little bigger and stronger each year. Likewise, if she behaves in a trustworthy manner, your trust in her should grow too. The longer you demonstrate trustworthy behavior, the stronger that trust becomes, even if once, now long ago, you were both deeply distrustful of one another.
She seems to be offering the right behavior by telling you to check incoming texts on her phone. It's a gesture, meant to show you that she's no longer hiding anything. If you still have worries, talk to her about them. Be partners. Don't hide anything, not even your worries.
Mario, I remember you posting before about having that little bit of doubt if the EA is truly over, once a spouse finds out, that is always going to be there, it is one of the side affects the betrayer causes them. On the feeling guilty side?, I myself have no guilt, only the guilt of not communicating with each other the last years of the marriage, why should you?, you're a just an honest man, giving her the benefit of the doubt, that is who you are and nothing wrong with that, but you should not feel guilty for her actions, she is an adult and knows right from wrong just like you, sure feel guilty for the events up to the EA, but not for the EA itself.IMHO..hopefully someday the doubt fades away.
why does part of me feel guilty about discovering it and making her put an end to it? It's like part of me wants her to have that bit of excitement in her life which she said it brought her
I think that means you are selfless in the way you love your wife, and I think that is a good thing. Perhaps you didn't do or behave as wonderfully as you could have, and perhaps you thought you were. But I think the feeling of guilt comes from wanting her to be happy. Is just a little of that guilt coming from knowing you didn't make her happy for a given time? Is a little bit of it fear that you are able to make her happy?
You should feel guilt, but not for depriving her of HIM. You should feel guilt for not paying attention to the huge big red flashing WAKEUP call it gave you to CHANGE your marriage! Unless you can tell me you turned your marriage around at that point and started learning about her emotional needs, and taking her on dates and spending time with her and making her feel special...basically the kind of things she was thinking of with him, which should have come from you.
If you DID make these changes and she now gets all that from you, no reason to feel guilty, but grateful for the chance to renew your marriage.
Hi Turnera. Yes, we both agreed that it was a wake up call marriage wise, and did much of what you mentioned, and more. We probably haven't kept it going as much as initially, but things are much better that way still. But your post is a reminder to keep paying attention to each others emotional needs.
Thanks also Robrobb and 2Daughters.
Susan2010, yes I want her to be happy. And maybe the answer to both of your last questions is Yes.
Or maybe there's a little lack of self esteem in there somewhere and deep down I'm thinking that someone else could make her happier.......
lol, we ALL have a lack of self esteem. Otherwise we'd be psychopaths.
I always recommend setting aside one hour each week to talk about your relationship. Like on Sunday night right before you go to bed. That way things don't get swept under the rug.
Also revisiting the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires from MB every year or two is an excellent way to keep your marriage safe.
Strange Feeling After Wife's Emotional Affair 
