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My story - EA - > PA ?

79K views 235 replies 71 participants last post by  BobSimmons 
#1 ·
Me late 40s, her late 30s. 2 Kids 6 and 3. Married 12 years. She left high powered job exactly 2 years ago to be a SAHM. Wife used to be a 9 and is now an 8, is fit and has an amazing figure still. I am fit and well dressed. I still turn heads and get lots of smiles and flirts. I make upper six figures as an executive VP and will be a CEO one day. I am almost always home by 7 and usually put the kids to bed. Other than my long hours from time to time, we have a good life. I have never cheated on her and have not even come close - despite quite a PUA life prior to our marriage.

About 20 months ago I got a gut feeling that something was not right and started focusing on her behavior.

She would wear a t-shirt to bed and shorts. Prior to this, even with kids running in, she would wear nothing to bed. She also slept on her side of the bed, and not draped across me like before. She also was abrupt with me in the morning and the calls and texts during the day had dropped off to little or nothing. She began to come home later and later from some volunteer work she does. 36 months ago she would be home no later than nine whereas she would come home at 10 or 10:30. She would also come home from her sport later and later. She spent a lot of time texting and emailing. She became short with the kids and me. She also started a weird conversation one date night, "I could not have an affair. My face would give me away."

About six months ago she spent a week or two sleeping on the couch. It became very difficult to seduce her whereas before I could just kiss her neck and we have our usual romp. At the time she would still get her O but about 4 months ago she stopped getting O's at all with me. ( I have never been with a woman has not gotten off at least once per session. ) At night if I rolled over and tried to hug her, she would push me off if she was asleep. If she was awake, she would tense up. She would also get out of bed and go in the living room a lot. During one of these times, I got a hunch and looked for her sex toys. Both were missing. The next day they were back.

About this same time, we were invited to a party with her team, but the coach was not invited. I found this very strange, as he had been at the other parties. She did not bring this up and when I did, she was silent. I started going to some games and noticed that the coach was very lively with her until I showed up un-announced. His face changed to a mask. And another time she needed something from him and he raced over to bring it to her, and when he saw me, the mask came down. Also she stepped away from me when she saw him and stood between us, forming a triangle.

When I saw her form the triangle, I decided to look at her phone and emails. I saw that while all us - family and friend's texts ran back to May, she had deleted his. She only had a few days' worth on her phone. On top of this, the ones there included from him, "Sorry I could not walk you to the car." and "Sorry about last Tuesday..best laid plans...", both on nights when she had practice. I monitored her phone for two more weeks and his texts were deleted several times a week.

Two more events stand out. One, a new player came on the team. This woman is cute and was also flirting with the coach. My wife came home livid about it. On top of this she came home one night saying that her coach's boss had told him that someone had said they were having an affair and that her coach had to clean things up. Another weird thing occurred - at one game a male friend of a friend came up and asked who I was. He thought the coach and my wife were married...

About two months ago we had our anniversary. I did a pretty good job and really surprised her. However, on the way downtown, she remarked on a piece of architecture saying he liked it and she did not. She went on and on about how he and his wife had gone somewhere to eat and gotten in a discussion on it. She is not into architecture and she mentioned some details about the restaurant that seemed to familiar. The rest of the night was actually pretty good for a change. Until the next day. She was pretty upset.

I took the time to write out all the timelines and began reading this site.

Fast forward two weeks later. We went to a charity event associated with her sport. The coach was not there but the boss was. She had a lot to drink and a good time. One the way home we got pretty hot with each other - but had to stop for something. She was texting someone and laughing. I had to take sitter home as well. We had sex but she did not have an O despite being VERY frisky on the way home.

When I looked at her phone the next day, the texts were gone. I then got a text retrieval tool and recovered the texts and email on her phone.

She had flirted with the coach while we were driving home and had continued to do so while I was taking the sitter home. I recovered those texts to the history but not the message. I then confronted her the next day.

She said that she was drunk, etc. That he was just a friend. Etc. A few days later she quizzed me about what I did at the party. (I thinks he thinks I talked to the coach.) I also found out that she had some long email exchanges with him the day after the confrontation..

We had a long talk - several in fact - and went back to her counselor from her first marriage. We also had some amazing sex. But she would alternate between being sweet to me to being very distant over the next weeks. I also noticed she began to clean her tracks - deleting his emails and locked her phone and changed her pwds. I monitor her history - she still goes out and searches her deleted emails for his - they do not show up at all otherwise..and reads through them. The days she does this she is very distant that night. I have not brought up anything I cannot say she has showed me. Since the confrontation, their texts have dropped off and so have the emails. On top of this, other than one night when she lied about coming home and then running into traffic (gps tracker ) she has been very punctual.

We have had some long talks about her relationship with the coach. She now admits that she liked him. She now admits that some days are harder than others. She still maintains that not much happened.

I find that hard to believe given that she re-reads his emails still - over a month after the confrontation.

I have read some of the books listed on here. I have also told her that I do not like it that she likes him. But have not gone so far as to demand an NC - which would be VERY hard to explain as she is on a highly ranked team and has a lot of friends and our kids are in the early stages of the sport.

Our sex life has returned and we go to counselling together every other week. We do talk a lot and she calls me and texts me more now. She did have a breakdown on her not reading his emails when I was on my last day of my business trip this week.

Please keep in mind that I am nobody's fool and am fully aware that this was a full blown EA despite her denials. I know it could have been a PA as well but the logistics would be very hard unless it was very well planned. As an executive I am used to changing peoples' minds and getting them to happily do my bidding.

What I am looking for is commentary - from her perspective and from the perspective of men who have gotten their wives to come clean and to become happy again - either via a D or by a true R.

I am greatly pained by her anguish. I sense she has a lot of guilt and a lot of longing. I want to reach her and help her through this while reaching a resolution.
 
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#32 ·
Perhaps I missed it but it's not clear to me if the coach is involved or particularly interested. It sounds like a lot of ladies flirt with him so maybe your wife is no differentfrom every other woman that gives him attention? How interested he is will impact her thought process.
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#38 ·
Your wife is getting an emotional need met and its damn exciting having this secret.
The coach is also having his fun even though it only a 10 minute handie after practice.

Sex is the currency your old lady has to pay for the coaches attention or he will find some other chick to seduce.

So your old lady has this exciting, secret texting crap going on and in order to keep it going and loss coach to the hot newbie on the team she upped the pay with 15 minute bj's after practice.

Dude get a PI and see what exactly goes on in his or her car for that short time after practice.

Actually they were spending more then an hour together before you confronted.

Sorry bro but you got a chick that wants to be in her early twenties not her late thirties and good 'ol coach is meeting that need with all the teenage car sex.

To bad her need to feel young again out weighs her guilt.



Man I hope I'm wrong!
 
#41 ·
I agree with this OP.

My WW did similar things:

-She would come home late after "GNO's", then sleep on the couch.

-Other times she would sleep on the couch because she had a "head ache".

-She would sometimes sleep in her jeans.

-She'd snuggle up in the covers like a cocoon and roll over on her side.

-If she was already in bed and heard me getting ready to come in the BR, she would immediately turn off her reading light and act like she was asleep.

Looking back, I can't believe how unbelievably stupid I was not to catch on sooner. She had a two year PA.

Don't be as oblivious as I was. At the very least, you have to assume this is a PA, because the odds are it is.
 
#40 ·
May I suggest you put on some jeans and a t-shirt and go down to a dive bar and have a few drinks and then have sex in the parking lot. (or go behind a chuch like I use to when I was a teen)

It sound like she has no problem geting "frisky" in the car...but once you take your old lady home and the reality of her age comes back....she cools down.
 
#43 ·
BnB,

Good that you have come here. You can see immediately that coach's wife should be contacted to bust the affair. That is exactly why you should talk to Dana while her outrage is still relatively fresh.

Also, Wondering you might ask BnB if he was ever proud or supportive of his wife's tennis. Wonder where her rackets are today?
 
#44 ·
Apologies if this is brutal, but I have been dealing with this for 7 months now so it is still a bit raw to me. Here is what is likely going on in her head -

Like TAG said, she is a teenage girl - but a complete spoiled brat teenage girl. It is exciting for a while and that is what matters to her now. She gets moments of pleasure and excitement from him, and financial and family administrative support from you. What do you get out of it? You get her absolute selfishness and lack of respect in return. That is not a good deal for you is it. Doesn't take a soon-to-be-CEO to figure that out.

I do get it though, as many of our fellow posters will tell you, you just don't want to believe it. Can't happen to you. But it sounds like it has. If you need to prove it to yourself with a GPS device, VAR, or cellphone bills, email hacking, well then by all means do what you have to do. Lord knows it took me six months of torture reading numerous emails and text messages that made me physically ill to accept the hard truth. Tomorrow is one month since I gave up trying to convince her to stop the A.

Sorry to say this about your wife, I know it hurts to hear, but you work your a$$ off, make a really nice living to provide for your family, and this is what she puts you through? She causes you knots in your stomach and heart palpitations every time you see a text message from him, or noticed that the messages were recently deleted and have the ensuing thoughts of what they must have said that go through your head?

I hate to say it, but it is very likely physical. she has spent nights on the couch? Even my WW never did that. She might feel a little bad and guilt over it, as she should. But not enough to stop. If it hasn't already, it will escalate from ungrateful teenage brat to drug addict - the coach is the syringe, the sex and excitement is the heroine inside the syringe, and you and your family are the ones standing between her and her next fix. When she's an addict, she will do anything to swat you out of the way to get that next fix.

I don't blame you for trying though. You have to try. I may have wasted six months working on my situation, but at least I know in my heart that I did everything I possibly could have, and I can tell my kids that when they get older. But after all that time, I started to feel like an enabler, giving her the time and money to keep her addiction going. And it was hurting me (still is). I hate that feeling. You will too.

I very much hope I am wrong about her.
 
#45 ·
QFT. BAB knows. Once you get to 30 posts read his account of the destruction of his heart and learn.

Oddly your wife went for another alpha. Often wives of alphas will go for betas to get the soft side needs met.
 
#46 ·
Forgive me while I add my two cents.

What is she thinking? What is her thought processes? Really who could possibly ascertain that? Right now it's conjecture and supposition, even though the evidence seems to be pretty strong pointing towards an affair of some sort.

Here's the thing..from what I read. You said you were nobodies fool, in a high powered job where you can "change people's minds", do you ever feel yourself bringing that into the marriage? Asserting yourself upon her, your opinions and views..here's where I'm going with this and again this is from what you wrote

She left a high powered job to be a SAHM, Safe to say, your wife is probably smart, and has had to give up alot. She's not stupid and she knows you very well. As till now you still haven't got her to reveal what's going on, you're still none the wiser. Whatever this is, she's in control. Whatever she lost with her job, be it the social circle, peers etc, she now has with this team/sport.

I don't get why you rejected the PI? Seems to me one in your position would want a problem resolved quickly especially if it's so close to home and especially since it appears your wife is very good at covering her tracks.
 
#50 ·
Thanks for replies. The control thing hits home. She is an Alpha too and gave up a lot to be a sahm. She has worked all her life and supported herself since she was 16.

The coach is beta. But gets a lot of attention from girls and wives. He has a way with words and a poetic bent but he is not ****y nor dominant. He came into coaching later in life. She has mentioned wanting to help him. Her prior marriage was to a man who was an Alpha and a pua but who also was a drunk who needed fixing. She left him after six years when he began to get violent.


Please supply a link to bnb posts.

If its a PA that does not bother me as much as the closing off and the lies. Lying about the sext session that night. Lying about being late.

As for PI. My family and hers is military and law enforcement heavy. I have a lot of friends who are FBI and PIs. That would be too close to home. One elected official too. Do not want this to go weird.

I have everything monitored except for a VAR.
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#51 ·
From my personal experience you may get closer to the truth if she:

1. Believes that you will not leave her if she tells you the truth
2. That she is hurting herself and you by continuing to lie
3. That you already think worse than whatever reality is and plan to act and treat her in accordance with your own imaginative "worst case" until she comes clean.
4. Your therapist may help her understand that any reconciliation is a fiction until she has been completely honest and that she is damaging herself until she is completely honest.

After all the evidence collecting was done and my wife was thoroughly busted, the combination of the items above caused her to come clean and feel safe at explaining herself. But...

The other thing to remember is that when your wife is in her "affair fog" her behavior, motivations and emotions are very irrational. If and when she really decides to come clean, she'll struggle to remember the real feelings she was having. You'll listen and even when she's doing her best to be honest, it will likely sound untrue because it won't be rational and it will change each time she tells it.

Think of it as though you're trying to retell a story from when you were very drunk. Even if you really want to tell the truth, it's hard because your brain wasn't normal. As you retell that same story, details might get filled in and your sober brain will try to rationalize and explain things. Suddenly the revised, rationalized version starts to seem like the truth but might sound very different than the first time you told the same story.
 
#55 ·
wonderif,

I feel for you but if you continue down the same path you are taking (no VAR, no PI, no exposure to OMW and family) it will continue but just be underground. And it will just go on and on and on...perhaps fade somewhat at times then back on full force with the affair partner. And she will continue to be in that fog.....and you can't pull her out unless you do something about it.

And btw you know it is a full-fledged emotional and physical affair.

I'm like you in a way....an executive making nearly 200K/year who worked hard and was always home on time and attentive, loved my wife was in a career with too much time on her hands.

Once I had the info and I delayed exposing for a few weeks. That is idiotic. When I did fullly expose it's the best decision I made. Yes, your wife may be embarrassed and others in your social circle may be outraged. That's her problem - she caused this, not you.

Also, his wife need to know. This guy couldn't give a crap about you...so you don't owe him or your wife anything.
 
#56 ·
CaptainLoto's number 3 is the key reason that filing for divorce is an effective means of driving home the need to come clean. The willingness of the OP to seek divorce over a EA implies that he does not believe that it was just an EA.

Furthermore, trickle truth, as OP notes, is an additional deal killer. JustGrinding's letter to his WW expresses this brilliantly.

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#61 ·
Catching up from holiday and trip. Just pulled her phone logs for last two weeks. They texted and from texts it clear that they talked about situation. He asked her why she was having a bad day in match... if it was same subject from talk last week...she said yes..then said he was very sorry. Next opportunity for them to talk after that text was the day she lied about traffic delaying her. She had a two hour talk with a close female friend as well.
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#69 ·
I think we got someone who thinks he's one step ahead of everyone else.

Well that's fine and dandy but I know I'm not the one whose life is getting turned up side down.

Your getting some good advice here and for some reason you think your way is better and if that's the case then keep going down the road your going and it will only get worse but just remember that Wylie Coyote considered himself a genius too and how many times did he fall off the cliff or blow himself up. Just sayin'.
 
#72 ·
I realize the topic of this sub forum evokes a lot of pain in everyone on here.

But I like to laugh even when things are bad while keeping a positive focus.

I do appreciate the responses .. Both the ones on topic and the rest.

I could easily corner her and interrogate her in the traditional sense. But that is counterproductive.

I am about half way through her trickle truths. She has confessed to an EA but still denies the PA as well as discussing the discovery with him. We talk for two hours every night and every night she goes further.
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