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My story - EA - > PA ?

79K views 235 replies 71 participants last post by  BobSimmons 
#1 ·
Me late 40s, her late 30s. 2 Kids 6 and 3. Married 12 years. She left high powered job exactly 2 years ago to be a SAHM. Wife used to be a 9 and is now an 8, is fit and has an amazing figure still. I am fit and well dressed. I still turn heads and get lots of smiles and flirts. I make upper six figures as an executive VP and will be a CEO one day. I am almost always home by 7 and usually put the kids to bed. Other than my long hours from time to time, we have a good life. I have never cheated on her and have not even come close - despite quite a PUA life prior to our marriage.

About 20 months ago I got a gut feeling that something was not right and started focusing on her behavior.

She would wear a t-shirt to bed and shorts. Prior to this, even with kids running in, she would wear nothing to bed. She also slept on her side of the bed, and not draped across me like before. She also was abrupt with me in the morning and the calls and texts during the day had dropped off to little or nothing. She began to come home later and later from some volunteer work she does. 36 months ago she would be home no later than nine whereas she would come home at 10 or 10:30. She would also come home from her sport later and later. She spent a lot of time texting and emailing. She became short with the kids and me. She also started a weird conversation one date night, "I could not have an affair. My face would give me away."

About six months ago she spent a week or two sleeping on the couch. It became very difficult to seduce her whereas before I could just kiss her neck and we have our usual romp. At the time she would still get her O but about 4 months ago she stopped getting O's at all with me. ( I have never been with a woman has not gotten off at least once per session. ) At night if I rolled over and tried to hug her, she would push me off if she was asleep. If she was awake, she would tense up. She would also get out of bed and go in the living room a lot. During one of these times, I got a hunch and looked for her sex toys. Both were missing. The next day they were back.

About this same time, we were invited to a party with her team, but the coach was not invited. I found this very strange, as he had been at the other parties. She did not bring this up and when I did, she was silent. I started going to some games and noticed that the coach was very lively with her until I showed up un-announced. His face changed to a mask. And another time she needed something from him and he raced over to bring it to her, and when he saw me, the mask came down. Also she stepped away from me when she saw him and stood between us, forming a triangle.

When I saw her form the triangle, I decided to look at her phone and emails. I saw that while all us - family and friend's texts ran back to May, she had deleted his. She only had a few days' worth on her phone. On top of this, the ones there included from him, "Sorry I could not walk you to the car." and "Sorry about last Tuesday..best laid plans...", both on nights when she had practice. I monitored her phone for two more weeks and his texts were deleted several times a week.

Two more events stand out. One, a new player came on the team. This woman is cute and was also flirting with the coach. My wife came home livid about it. On top of this she came home one night saying that her coach's boss had told him that someone had said they were having an affair and that her coach had to clean things up. Another weird thing occurred - at one game a male friend of a friend came up and asked who I was. He thought the coach and my wife were married...

About two months ago we had our anniversary. I did a pretty good job and really surprised her. However, on the way downtown, she remarked on a piece of architecture saying he liked it and she did not. She went on and on about how he and his wife had gone somewhere to eat and gotten in a discussion on it. She is not into architecture and she mentioned some details about the restaurant that seemed to familiar. The rest of the night was actually pretty good for a change. Until the next day. She was pretty upset.

I took the time to write out all the timelines and began reading this site.

Fast forward two weeks later. We went to a charity event associated with her sport. The coach was not there but the boss was. She had a lot to drink and a good time. One the way home we got pretty hot with each other - but had to stop for something. She was texting someone and laughing. I had to take sitter home as well. We had sex but she did not have an O despite being VERY frisky on the way home.

When I looked at her phone the next day, the texts were gone. I then got a text retrieval tool and recovered the texts and email on her phone.

She had flirted with the coach while we were driving home and had continued to do so while I was taking the sitter home. I recovered those texts to the history but not the message. I then confronted her the next day.

She said that she was drunk, etc. That he was just a friend. Etc. A few days later she quizzed me about what I did at the party. (I thinks he thinks I talked to the coach.) I also found out that she had some long email exchanges with him the day after the confrontation..

We had a long talk - several in fact - and went back to her counselor from her first marriage. We also had some amazing sex. But she would alternate between being sweet to me to being very distant over the next weeks. I also noticed she began to clean her tracks - deleting his emails and locked her phone and changed her pwds. I monitor her history - she still goes out and searches her deleted emails for his - they do not show up at all otherwise..and reads through them. The days she does this she is very distant that night. I have not brought up anything I cannot say she has showed me. Since the confrontation, their texts have dropped off and so have the emails. On top of this, other than one night when she lied about coming home and then running into traffic (gps tracker ) she has been very punctual.

We have had some long talks about her relationship with the coach. She now admits that she liked him. She now admits that some days are harder than others. She still maintains that not much happened.

I find that hard to believe given that she re-reads his emails still - over a month after the confrontation.

I have read some of the books listed on here. I have also told her that I do not like it that she likes him. But have not gone so far as to demand an NC - which would be VERY hard to explain as she is on a highly ranked team and has a lot of friends and our kids are in the early stages of the sport.

Our sex life has returned and we go to counselling together every other week. We do talk a lot and she calls me and texts me more now. She did have a breakdown on her not reading his emails when I was on my last day of my business trip this week.

Please keep in mind that I am nobody's fool and am fully aware that this was a full blown EA despite her denials. I know it could have been a PA as well but the logistics would be very hard unless it was very well planned. As an executive I am used to changing peoples' minds and getting them to happily do my bidding.

What I am looking for is commentary - from her perspective and from the perspective of men who have gotten their wives to come clean and to become happy again - either via a D or by a true R.

I am greatly pained by her anguish. I sense she has a lot of guilt and a lot of longing. I want to reach her and help her through this while reaching a resolution.
 
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#151 ·
A woman who breaks up her family and robs her children of a full-time father, just for some "strange" between her legs, is by definition not a good mother.

It makes her a really qualified selfish *****, but not really a candidate for Mom of the Year.
 
#152 ·
"The fact that the WW had an affair on her BS does not mean she doesn't love and cherish her children, although they often are the ones that end up suffering the most when mom and dad call it quits."

This, in and of itself, makes a parent (of either sex) a s****y parent to some extent.

No amount of love or care can make up for destroying your own kids happiness and family.
 
#155 ·
I am an advocate of making sure kids know about the world and human nature as soon as they can understand and cope with it.

Kids are a lot smarter and tougher than they are given credit for.

We have already talked to our son about this situation. He came right out and said this is about "coach xx" isn't it? He beat us to the punch. He had already caught on to part of it.
 
#154 ·
Just an update. Pop some popcorn.

Wife did a modified NC a few weeks ago. She has had trouble sticking to it - breaking down to text OM every 3rd or 4th day, but texts getting shorter. But no more long emails any more and no calls and no meetings. This has been going on for almost 6 weeks now.

She has been having a huge problem with the withdrawal period.

She would confess to about half of texts and I'd use a line "I can tell when you have contacted him.." approach for half of the remaining to get them out of her. (I ignored some texts to prevent her from getting suspicious.)

While this was going on we talked about her withdrawal problems. I made love to her every night. I repeated in so many ways that I would do just about anything for her and the kids, but would not be a doormat. I also pressed her on contacting him - see my post above on it. I kept her honest. I also gave her 30+ minutes of undivided attention each day. Told her I was here to help her with it. Would not judge her - but would not be a doormat either.

I got her engagement ring cleaned (and it looks really good BTW) and she started wearing it again.

Starting last weekend the OM became pretty desperate with several texts a day asking what she was up to or where she was, etc. She was very good at ignoring them for a day or two instead of responding right away. In fact, I could predict when she would respond - it was when I had to work late or when we would hit a rough spot.

No doubt the dude was in his own withdrawal, had no one to talk to, etc. (Cue violin music..)

I expected this to drag on for a month or three more.

Now for the fun part...

On Sunday his texts were pretty whiny. They ran into each other at practice Monday.. and he was not too happy when he saw the ring or how good she looked. On top of that she was hanging out with another group and ignoring him. ( One of the guys in that group has been spying for me...)

After the night's practice he was waiting by her car and they had a huge fight. Accused her of trading him for another guy in the other group. Accused her of planning to make out with this guy in the parking lot. Made some story up about another woman he was coaching that he had to go help to try to make her jealous.

This was the exact wrong thing for him to do. Wife hates weakness and insecurity in men. And hates being manipulated.

She just detonated on him in the parking lot.

She then came home livid and let me know about the fight. She was explosively angry!!

Quote, "He made my decision very easy now." and "I thought I was special to him and this is how he treats me." and "I thought he was a nice guy and cared." and "I thought he had deep feelings for me." and "I feel played" and "I feel like such a fool."

I popped a huge bag of popcorn in my mind and just listened.

Do not interrupt your WS when they are telling you about the OM making a huge mistake...I learned more about them in the process and what her thinking was that led to the A.

That night lifted the fog in her mind. The sun came out. She is a changed woman. Has not read any of his old emails, has not texted him, is looking for a new team and program, and has not used her sex toys all week. She is back in the gym 2x a day. Talking about our future. Wants me to learn the sport.

I waited a couple of days to talk to her about how I was not going to be the second choice nor would I tolerate being second choice. If she wanted to walk, I would let her go. That
bothered her for a day. But now things are better than they have been in years with her.

One of the things she told me Fri was that, "I was trying to let him down easily..." Sure....but just 4 weeks before she was saying "I wonder if I should give it a chance.." She wonders if she was his "Monday Girl" and has been talking about some things he said and told her that do not make sense now. She is questioning everything about him in detail..This shows her rewriting their past now- rather than ours - and justifying the end.

I did not expect this to end this way. WTF! It is a nice surprise.

Of course, I am still a bit ambivalent.

Getting the weak kneed sack of sh** crybaby out of the picture now gives me some space to think about the future.

She lied to me over a dozen times about texting him. I had to drag the truth out of her about the A. She actively hid the A. I am angry that her actions threatened our family. My work has suffered.

I do trust her on things like the kids and money and just about everything else. But I can no longer trust her when it comes to stuff like this.
 
#157 ·
It was PA off an on for about a year. Partial PA for a few months, ie making out in the parking lot, last fall, with a break of a few months, followed by a three trysts in a hotel in late summer.

Something I did not add. I was in a major car accident last winter and she broke it off around that time then restarted it this May. I had major surgery three hours after the accident. She slept in my ER bed that night and spent the whole week with me at the hospital. And then waited on me for months. I really think that had she NOT been so devoted then that I would have done something different when I found out...

The logistics this summer were limited to days when kids were at relatives or a day camp. Logistics after school started were zero.

I reconstructed her daily routine back to January using phone records, gym records, bank statements, email history, web history, etc. (She has never deleted her web browser history..) I identified about 10 days where she could have done something, ie a LONG period with no evidence of her doing something. Of those days, the dates she gave landed right on them. She pulled her CC statements and showed me those days. (She paid for the room..)
 
#163 ·
"followed by a three trysts in a hotel in late summer."

Has this changed how you are feeling or looking at this mess?

Last I remember you addressing this issue you said you were confident that it had just been an EA.

Now you have the truth that she did indeed take her betrayal to the next level.

Has it changed your attitude about R any?
 
#164 ·
...so if someone is a doormat and they don't know it, does it count?

Your wife came home livid about the OM, and then complained to you....makes you a doormat. You are the second choice. Sorry.

Your wife opened her legs and let another man do his thing and you slept with her without getting her a blood test?

You let her be in a situation where she ended up alone with the OM again.

The OM doesn't think you are the problem, he thinks she is cheating with ANOTHER tennis dude. Ha! You are zero threat! He can't imagine her wanting you, because of the things she said to him about you.

Suddenly now she is willing to leave the team. When it was for your comfort, it was too much to ask.

But if youre happy, good for you! So long as you win the prize of your .......wife.
 
#193 ·
Your wife came home livid about the OM, and then complained to you....makes you a doormat. You are the second choice. Sorry.
..
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Great comments BTW. Except.

I told her she could deal with it herself. That had her balling in the bathroom by herself for about 30 minutes before I went in and talked to her. In her own words, "I felt betrayed by both of you.."

The OM doesn't think you are the problem, he thinks she is cheating with ANOTHER tennis dude. Ha! You are zero threat! He can't imagine her wanting you, because of the things she said to him about you.
.
Read between the lines.

I kept my mouth shut about this with her for a reason. I will use it later to great effect at the right time. For instance, tell one of his buddies that we had a great weekend at a hotel...

The only explanation for him to think that she was moving on to another guy other than me is that she told him she was thinking about leaving me and/or things were over between us. If she was deceiving me, then she was outright playing him, LOL. She was using him as an emotional crutch, a safety valve for her troubled feelings as a way of not confronting them - the sex was just to keep him on the hook.

I bet he would love to know that even though she and I had dropped of on our love life, we still went at it hard just about every week and she has been crawling all over me the last two months. And that the weekend I caught her her texting him, we had a pretty wild time all day long - not to mention the weekend before at a hotel - or the two months before that at another hotel when we went out on the balcony at suite under the full moon for most of the night. Or the week long trips we went on early in the summer which were 3x a day or better.

Or that for the first five years of our relationship, we had sex at least once a day, if not much more.

I bet that three hours with her twice in August must have really blown his mind. I know her pretty well when it comes to sex - and he must not have been that great.
 
#165 ·
It was PA off an on for about a year. Partial PA for a few months, ie making out in the parking lot, last fall, with a break of a few months, followed by a three trysts in a hotel in late summer.


This means oral sex in the parking lot.

I still really hate how people will sanitize situations so they can live with it. Let's say the truth. Off and on for a year they made out and had oral sex in the parking lot. Then she came home and kissed you hello each time. Trysts in a hotel? Say what it is! Come on! They deviously planned to phuck! Because it was that intense. They met and they had sex for hours and he finished inside her many times during each "tryst"


I'm sorry but, I can't stand when they get off the hook soooo easy. And the OP just takes his scraps with a smile.

We are all interested in saving our marriages but just like a wound, it needs to be cleaned completely or else it will heal over with bad things in there that will infect and cause future problems if not death. Cheating is a serious wound, if you close this without really dealing with everything the fine people on this site are telling you, you will have future problems that may kill your marriage.
 
#179 ·
Was the answer to my question the first time it came out that it was confirmed PA?

Be careful OP, better than even money she is playing you. Your peak danger time is not six days from now, it is six months from now. I would just plan going 007 hardcore in May.
 
#185 ·
Wonder,

I think you've a good job in many respects. When you selectively accused her texting him that was smart. You gave her the impression that you were in touch with her feelings and authoritative.

Now you need to stick with this new more decisive style. Make her respect you.

What sport is she into?

Posted via Topify using iPhone/iPad
 
#190 ·
Wonder,

I think you've a good job in many respects. When you selectively accused her texting him that was smart. You gave her the impression that you were in touch with her feelings and authoritative.
That was the best thing I did so far. I backed her into a corner and she coughed that hairball up. She kept trying to change the subject, claimed it was some other event from the day, ran on and on about something else, etc. I mentally recorded her methods of evasion. She never once offered to show me her phone or laptop either. I kept pressing. "Ah, but that does nto sound like it made you upset." and "That's interesting, but that would not cause you to be down..."

Since the blow up with pretty boy she has slowly turned her anger onto me. I got an earful this morning about my faults and about how angry she was about me. About how pretty boy entered the picture after she gave up on me - I reminded her she admitted to feelings for him long before she said gave up. She said I did not listen to her when she told me she was not happy, yet she gave up too easily - never brought up MLC. How she was trying to ease him out - I reminded her she was evasive and protecting him up until recently. Like she was evasive about the A, she will now be evasive about why she went into the A.

When I score a major point, she will change the subject after a few seconds of silence. That is how she evades the guilt.
 
#192 ·
What plans do you have for the OM?
 
#199 ·
Here are the things that started her asking questions that really revealed her hand. Some were prior to me finding out and others afterwards..

Brought on questions. Double dread of me knowing something and her not being able to control the story. #3 has the added dimension of threatening the OM.

1. Said she talked in her sleep about the OM.
2. Said I could tell she had contacted OM from how she was acting.
3. Disappeared at a party where her sports friends were. She wanted to know who I talked to.

He reaction was a red flag:

4. Said I was thinking about taking the sport up again.
5. Said I wanted to come watch.
6. Her reaction to other women around the OM.
7. Reaction of OM when she was around OOM.

LOL
 
#204 · (Edited)
This OP's thinking is strange beyond comprehension. Something is mis-firing.

Dude, you're actually getting off on the competition between your wife's lover and yourself.

Bragging about banging your own wife is a little like bragging that you beat your dog 3 times out of 5 the last time you played chess.
 
#205 ·
Maybe I missed this, but why is she begging that the OP NOT call him, his boss, or his wife? This guy needs to be cut off at the knees, metaphorically speaking. I don't think anything is too extreme for this slimeball. Why is the wife protecting him? Is she AT ALL interested in her husband, his feelings, and their future together? This homewrecker needs to be exposed to everybody!
 
#206 · (Edited)
Considering how callous and flippant this OP is about it all, I wonder why he even wants to fix this. This is a 180-degree turnaround from his first posts.

Hmmm... how shall we say this in a mod-friendly way?

An "inventive" thread ripe with creativity, juxtaposition, and inflammation. Or else a massive steaming pile of dysfunction.
 
#212 ·
OP was an OM when he was younger. He probably wouldn't do it now. Persecuting the OP and taking misery in his pain that he is now because he was an OM is plain stupid. This guy is a BS. He is here for support. We need not stack up more sh!t on top of what is already a pretty bad situation for him.


That said, I totally agree with dogman. You shouldn't be happy you are f*cking your own wife. Get some perspective. It is pretty bad if you have to do that to your wife's OM. Your wife is not a prize. You are so caught up in trying to fight the OM that you forgot what the prize is. Your wife is not a prize
 
#214 · (Edited)
OP was an OM when he was younger. He probably wouldn't do it now. Persecuting the OP and taking misery in his pain that he is now because he was an OM is plain stupid. This guy is a BS. He is here for support. We need not stack up more sh!t on top of what is already a pretty bad situation for him.
I'm sorry, but I don't think he's here for support in any form. He's taken none of the advice given. He's thanking us all for "the entertainment". He's bragging that he is sleeping with his own wife, and he's in a one-man pissing contest with the OM.

He's not here to solve anything. He most certainly doesn't see any issues he personally needs to work on. He's got it all figured out, and only comes here to tell us all how much he DIDN'T need us.

I really don't know what he's here for. This is not like any BS I have ever seen, and so far most of the ones that come here and strut their Alpha status have been trolls.

Reading from the other side of cyberspace, this OP is either faking this situation, or else is far less emotionally healthy and stable than he first let on. Articulate, yes. Intelligent, yes. Mature? Hell no.

My guess is, he feels so defensive and weak by this, he needs the OM to be a sort of "straw man" he can kick around. But what's evident is the OM is deeper into his own head than he was into OP's wife. This guy isn't focused on fixing his marriage, he's a macho Don Quixote off to fight the windmill.
 
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