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My story - EA - > PA ?

79K views 235 replies 71 participants last post by  BobSimmons 
#1 ·
Me late 40s, her late 30s. 2 Kids 6 and 3. Married 12 years. She left high powered job exactly 2 years ago to be a SAHM. Wife used to be a 9 and is now an 8, is fit and has an amazing figure still. I am fit and well dressed. I still turn heads and get lots of smiles and flirts. I make upper six figures as an executive VP and will be a CEO one day. I am almost always home by 7 and usually put the kids to bed. Other than my long hours from time to time, we have a good life. I have never cheated on her and have not even come close - despite quite a PUA life prior to our marriage.

About 20 months ago I got a gut feeling that something was not right and started focusing on her behavior.

She would wear a t-shirt to bed and shorts. Prior to this, even with kids running in, she would wear nothing to bed. She also slept on her side of the bed, and not draped across me like before. She also was abrupt with me in the morning and the calls and texts during the day had dropped off to little or nothing. She began to come home later and later from some volunteer work she does. 36 months ago she would be home no later than nine whereas she would come home at 10 or 10:30. She would also come home from her sport later and later. She spent a lot of time texting and emailing. She became short with the kids and me. She also started a weird conversation one date night, "I could not have an affair. My face would give me away."

About six months ago she spent a week or two sleeping on the couch. It became very difficult to seduce her whereas before I could just kiss her neck and we have our usual romp. At the time she would still get her O but about 4 months ago she stopped getting O's at all with me. ( I have never been with a woman has not gotten off at least once per session. ) At night if I rolled over and tried to hug her, she would push me off if she was asleep. If she was awake, she would tense up. She would also get out of bed and go in the living room a lot. During one of these times, I got a hunch and looked for her sex toys. Both were missing. The next day they were back.

About this same time, we were invited to a party with her team, but the coach was not invited. I found this very strange, as he had been at the other parties. She did not bring this up and when I did, she was silent. I started going to some games and noticed that the coach was very lively with her until I showed up un-announced. His face changed to a mask. And another time she needed something from him and he raced over to bring it to her, and when he saw me, the mask came down. Also she stepped away from me when she saw him and stood between us, forming a triangle.

When I saw her form the triangle, I decided to look at her phone and emails. I saw that while all us - family and friend's texts ran back to May, she had deleted his. She only had a few days' worth on her phone. On top of this, the ones there included from him, "Sorry I could not walk you to the car." and "Sorry about last Tuesday..best laid plans...", both on nights when she had practice. I monitored her phone for two more weeks and his texts were deleted several times a week.

Two more events stand out. One, a new player came on the team. This woman is cute and was also flirting with the coach. My wife came home livid about it. On top of this she came home one night saying that her coach's boss had told him that someone had said they were having an affair and that her coach had to clean things up. Another weird thing occurred - at one game a male friend of a friend came up and asked who I was. He thought the coach and my wife were married...

About two months ago we had our anniversary. I did a pretty good job and really surprised her. However, on the way downtown, she remarked on a piece of architecture saying he liked it and she did not. She went on and on about how he and his wife had gone somewhere to eat and gotten in a discussion on it. She is not into architecture and she mentioned some details about the restaurant that seemed to familiar. The rest of the night was actually pretty good for a change. Until the next day. She was pretty upset.

I took the time to write out all the timelines and began reading this site.

Fast forward two weeks later. We went to a charity event associated with her sport. The coach was not there but the boss was. She had a lot to drink and a good time. One the way home we got pretty hot with each other - but had to stop for something. She was texting someone and laughing. I had to take sitter home as well. We had sex but she did not have an O despite being VERY frisky on the way home.

When I looked at her phone the next day, the texts were gone. I then got a text retrieval tool and recovered the texts and email on her phone.

She had flirted with the coach while we were driving home and had continued to do so while I was taking the sitter home. I recovered those texts to the history but not the message. I then confronted her the next day.

She said that she was drunk, etc. That he was just a friend. Etc. A few days later she quizzed me about what I did at the party. (I thinks he thinks I talked to the coach.) I also found out that she had some long email exchanges with him the day after the confrontation..

We had a long talk - several in fact - and went back to her counselor from her first marriage. We also had some amazing sex. But she would alternate between being sweet to me to being very distant over the next weeks. I also noticed she began to clean her tracks - deleting his emails and locked her phone and changed her pwds. I monitor her history - she still goes out and searches her deleted emails for his - they do not show up at all otherwise..and reads through them. The days she does this she is very distant that night. I have not brought up anything I cannot say she has showed me. Since the confrontation, their texts have dropped off and so have the emails. On top of this, other than one night when she lied about coming home and then running into traffic (gps tracker ) she has been very punctual.

We have had some long talks about her relationship with the coach. She now admits that she liked him. She now admits that some days are harder than others. She still maintains that not much happened.

I find that hard to believe given that she re-reads his emails still - over a month after the confrontation.

I have read some of the books listed on here. I have also told her that I do not like it that she likes him. But have not gone so far as to demand an NC - which would be VERY hard to explain as she is on a highly ranked team and has a lot of friends and our kids are in the early stages of the sport.

Our sex life has returned and we go to counselling together every other week. We do talk a lot and she calls me and texts me more now. She did have a breakdown on her not reading his emails when I was on my last day of my business trip this week.

Please keep in mind that I am nobody's fool and am fully aware that this was a full blown EA despite her denials. I know it could have been a PA as well but the logistics would be very hard unless it was very well planned. As an executive I am used to changing peoples' minds and getting them to happily do my bidding.

What I am looking for is commentary - from her perspective and from the perspective of men who have gotten their wives to come clean and to become happy again - either via a D or by a true R.

I am greatly pained by her anguish. I sense she has a lot of guilt and a lot of longing. I want to reach her and help her through this while reaching a resolution.
 
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#227 ·
Wonderif,

People have their own baggage and can come out in their analysis and/or demeanor. As a rule, just don't take it personally.

The affair is over. That is a good thing.

How now do you get your wife to be remorseful? And from her remorse how do you rebuild your marriage. One ironic but common situation is that the WS is suffering from the loss of the AP. She wants sympathy. She is in mourning. The AP is not the person she thought he was; he was not high class. Oops, she was giving oral and vaginal sex to an unworthy jerk. What does that make her?

She will now want to recover her self esteem. That will not come from you simply forgiving her. She will need to examine her behavior and be disgusted with herself. So, before she gets her head in a better place she is going to have be rather self critical.

Still curious what sport?

Happy New Year!

You will need MC and IC to work through this stuff.

Emotionally you will probably be all over the place. At times you'll be happy to have driven this rival off, at other moments you'll question whether you can ever trust your wife again.

Think before you open you mouth. Show restraint and self respect. You need to lead your wife out of this if you R is your goal. You are now the moral leader in your relationship. Does it feel lonely?
 
#229 · (Edited)
One Irony is that "the cheater cannot be a good parent because they are a cheater and did not think of the kids!" followed by "divorce them! take the kids!" Completely contradictory.
Your generalization above is not a contradiction nor is it ironic. Instead of being mad, work on you. Go get some individual counseling and get your wife to HELP WORK on the marriage instead of coasting. It's sad because contrary to your protestations, you are confused.

You don't want understanding.
You don't want empathy.
You don't want advice, unless it makes you feel good.
You don't want truth.
You don't want sympathy.

Then just say, "Hey, I'm venting, I don't need advice."


As to irony, your wife crapped all over your marriage, took time away from you and your kids, but here you sit "white knighting" yourself. That's the real irony in this thread.
 
#230 · (Edited)
Well Mr. VP and future CEO, consider this.

So you've always been able to get people to do your bidding? Even against their will? You're just humoring yourself. To your detriment.

Your supposed VP and CEO skills are working against you, because they give you the ILLUSION that you're in control...yet you've given control to your cheating wife and her lover. If I were an investor in your company, I'd sell all my stock based upon the naive posts you've made in this forum.

First, you're not in charge of anything really important. You've given control of the important things in life to your wife and her lover.

Second, she's making a fool of you. She's in charge of you. And she's the one who's "making you do her bidding". Sound familiar?

Man, wake up. Your wife has allowed another man to seed her, repeatedly, while you were masturbating.

But you have hope. If you'll stand up to her and do the 180.

Honestly, I wish you good luck.
 
#232 ·
This was a great read on Christmas break. I have to support the OP in a couple of respects. One is that in my own case of a cheating wife, I crossed an important Rubicon in becoming detached from the emotions after having made the decision to enter super spy mode and catch her cold. I was full of gritty determination after that point, viewing all the damning information like a District Attorney going after a conviction, not an accident victim wandering around in shock.

A couple of her lies made me burst out laughing though, like saying she was baking a cake at a girlfriend's apartment when I had a PI on her tail, right outside the open bedroom window with a recorder going. This was a woman who had never so much as fried an egg. It was so absurd I laughed until tears came down my cheeks. She was flabbergasted, demanding to know why I thought it so funny. I dunno, just sounded funny...

The other matter is the TAM doctrine that the aggrieved spouse in always blameless. Of course the cheating spouse has to acknowledge the cheating was their decision, and their decision alone. But I just disagree with the abject refusal to look at ourselves and how our own behavior can be such a contributing factor.

It is nevertheless singularly impressive how much the TAM formula for cheaters is so right. Yeah, it's a script alright and it proved to be true in this case too, didn't it? So people ignore that wisdom at their own peril.
 
#233 ·
The other matter is the TAM doctrine that the aggrieved spouse in always blameless.
Where is this said? No one says the aggrieved spouse is blameless. This is specifically said concerning the ACT of cheating. Yes, I'm splitting hairs because the act is different than the build up.

Of course the cheating spouse has to acknowledge the cheating was their decision, and their decision alone.
This is the TAM DOCTRINE.

But I just disagree with the abject refusal to look at ourselves and how our own behavior can be such a contributing factor.
We must be reading different threads. Most threads tell the betrayed spouse to look at their behavior and see what they can change.
 
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