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My story - EA - > PA ?

79K views 235 replies 71 participants last post by  BobSimmons 
#1 ·
Me late 40s, her late 30s. 2 Kids 6 and 3. Married 12 years. She left high powered job exactly 2 years ago to be a SAHM. Wife used to be a 9 and is now an 8, is fit and has an amazing figure still. I am fit and well dressed. I still turn heads and get lots of smiles and flirts. I make upper six figures as an executive VP and will be a CEO one day. I am almost always home by 7 and usually put the kids to bed. Other than my long hours from time to time, we have a good life. I have never cheated on her and have not even come close - despite quite a PUA life prior to our marriage.

About 20 months ago I got a gut feeling that something was not right and started focusing on her behavior.

She would wear a t-shirt to bed and shorts. Prior to this, even with kids running in, she would wear nothing to bed. She also slept on her side of the bed, and not draped across me like before. She also was abrupt with me in the morning and the calls and texts during the day had dropped off to little or nothing. She began to come home later and later from some volunteer work she does. 36 months ago she would be home no later than nine whereas she would come home at 10 or 10:30. She would also come home from her sport later and later. She spent a lot of time texting and emailing. She became short with the kids and me. She also started a weird conversation one date night, "I could not have an affair. My face would give me away."

About six months ago she spent a week or two sleeping on the couch. It became very difficult to seduce her whereas before I could just kiss her neck and we have our usual romp. At the time she would still get her O but about 4 months ago she stopped getting O's at all with me. ( I have never been with a woman has not gotten off at least once per session. ) At night if I rolled over and tried to hug her, she would push me off if she was asleep. If she was awake, she would tense up. She would also get out of bed and go in the living room a lot. During one of these times, I got a hunch and looked for her sex toys. Both were missing. The next day they were back.

About this same time, we were invited to a party with her team, but the coach was not invited. I found this very strange, as he had been at the other parties. She did not bring this up and when I did, she was silent. I started going to some games and noticed that the coach was very lively with her until I showed up un-announced. His face changed to a mask. And another time she needed something from him and he raced over to bring it to her, and when he saw me, the mask came down. Also she stepped away from me when she saw him and stood between us, forming a triangle.

When I saw her form the triangle, I decided to look at her phone and emails. I saw that while all us - family and friend's texts ran back to May, she had deleted his. She only had a few days' worth on her phone. On top of this, the ones there included from him, "Sorry I could not walk you to the car." and "Sorry about last Tuesday..best laid plans...", both on nights when she had practice. I monitored her phone for two more weeks and his texts were deleted several times a week.

Two more events stand out. One, a new player came on the team. This woman is cute and was also flirting with the coach. My wife came home livid about it. On top of this she came home one night saying that her coach's boss had told him that someone had said they were having an affair and that her coach had to clean things up. Another weird thing occurred - at one game a male friend of a friend came up and asked who I was. He thought the coach and my wife were married...

About two months ago we had our anniversary. I did a pretty good job and really surprised her. However, on the way downtown, she remarked on a piece of architecture saying he liked it and she did not. She went on and on about how he and his wife had gone somewhere to eat and gotten in a discussion on it. She is not into architecture and she mentioned some details about the restaurant that seemed to familiar. The rest of the night was actually pretty good for a change. Until the next day. She was pretty upset.

I took the time to write out all the timelines and began reading this site.

Fast forward two weeks later. We went to a charity event associated with her sport. The coach was not there but the boss was. She had a lot to drink and a good time. One the way home we got pretty hot with each other - but had to stop for something. She was texting someone and laughing. I had to take sitter home as well. We had sex but she did not have an O despite being VERY frisky on the way home.

When I looked at her phone the next day, the texts were gone. I then got a text retrieval tool and recovered the texts and email on her phone.

She had flirted with the coach while we were driving home and had continued to do so while I was taking the sitter home. I recovered those texts to the history but not the message. I then confronted her the next day.

She said that she was drunk, etc. That he was just a friend. Etc. A few days later she quizzed me about what I did at the party. (I thinks he thinks I talked to the coach.) I also found out that she had some long email exchanges with him the day after the confrontation..

We had a long talk - several in fact - and went back to her counselor from her first marriage. We also had some amazing sex. But she would alternate between being sweet to me to being very distant over the next weeks. I also noticed she began to clean her tracks - deleting his emails and locked her phone and changed her pwds. I monitor her history - she still goes out and searches her deleted emails for his - they do not show up at all otherwise..and reads through them. The days she does this she is very distant that night. I have not brought up anything I cannot say she has showed me. Since the confrontation, their texts have dropped off and so have the emails. On top of this, other than one night when she lied about coming home and then running into traffic (gps tracker ) she has been very punctual.

We have had some long talks about her relationship with the coach. She now admits that she liked him. She now admits that some days are harder than others. She still maintains that not much happened.

I find that hard to believe given that she re-reads his emails still - over a month after the confrontation.

I have read some of the books listed on here. I have also told her that I do not like it that she likes him. But have not gone so far as to demand an NC - which would be VERY hard to explain as she is on a highly ranked team and has a lot of friends and our kids are in the early stages of the sport.

Our sex life has returned and we go to counselling together every other week. We do talk a lot and she calls me and texts me more now. She did have a breakdown on her not reading his emails when I was on my last day of my business trip this week.

Please keep in mind that I am nobody's fool and am fully aware that this was a full blown EA despite her denials. I know it could have been a PA as well but the logistics would be very hard unless it was very well planned. As an executive I am used to changing peoples' minds and getting them to happily do my bidding.

What I am looking for is commentary - from her perspective and from the perspective of men who have gotten their wives to come clean and to become happy again - either via a D or by a true R.

I am greatly pained by her anguish. I sense she has a lot of guilt and a lot of longing. I want to reach her and help her through this while reaching a resolution.
 
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#2 · (Edited)
As you know it was and still is an EA at the very least. As long as she is in contact with him in anyway she will remain addicted to him,

Understand that you are #3 on her list of priorities now.
#1 - Her selfishness and addiction.
#2 - Him.

You have to stop all contact now and forever. No seeing, meeting, texting, calling, emailing or going back and re-reading old ones or she will never truly commit to you.

I think a PA is very likely. Do not under estimate the abilities of a pair of cheaters to hide communication and time spent together.

What is more important to you, her highly ranked team or your marriage? It looks to me like one of those has to go.
 
#3 ·
Get a VAR and put one in her car. Have you considered a PI?

Talk to the coach's boss and also is the coach married?

Have you asked her for a lie detecter test?

Did she use protection and has she been tested for stds?

Do you have spyware on her phone?

I would suggest filing for divorce. She has gone PA with him.
 
#5 ·
I second the VAR for her car - that is where most cheaters talk- and one for any place in the home that you have noticed her going "for a private conversation". What kind of phone does she have? There are ways to recover text messages.

If she uses a computer, get a good keylogger.

Edit: Do not be too confident in your executive powers of persuasion in this situation. This is unlike anything you have faced in your career.
 
#6 ·
I monitor her phone and laptop and the house phone. Most days she has the kids with her. the search of her phone revealed a few calls but mostly texts. Other than that drunken night, no other sexts.

Coach is married.

I have considered a PI but rejected it. It would take me too long to find the right person and I know a lot of LEOs and PMC types. PI is too close to home. I can put the dots together. Like I said, I know her logistics.

No on protection. She has not been on the pill since our first kid was conceived.

Problem with team is that her dad is high up in the governing organization as well. She'd have to come clean to him. She has always derived pleasure from her sport. I have thought about asking her to switch teams. She has gotten some offers lately.
 
#11 ·
Well what I can tell you in short is that right now she only thinks how to go more underground and how to have her next fix.OM right now is her drug and she will do anything to hide that she is a user and to have her next fix ...Currently you and the kids are not her priority not event close in her top priorities...

How you deal with it...You find evidence,you expose and kill the fantasy that she is living,file for divorce and let her work to earn a chance for R...In the meantime you work on yourself (try 180) and never ever believe that you drove her somehow to the affair...No matter in what state a marriage/relationship is there is never an excuse for cheating...

Good Luck
 
#8 ·
This story reads like the movie "Unfaithful", except without the murder.

From what I read here, the way to put a stop to it is to expose to the OMW.

How to get her to stop longing for him? I don't know. Hopefully it just goes away with time.

She will probably always have guilt. Keep up the counseling.
 
#9 ·
The sooner you accept that it is/was a PA the sooner you will be able to come out of your BS fog and deal with the cheater in your house...

And no it was not only an EA and deep down inside you,you know it too...

She would wear a t-shirt to bed and shorts

This my friend in translation is a 10000 % EA and 90 % PA...

About six months ago she spent a week or two sleeping on the couch. It became very difficult to seduce her whereas before I could just kiss her neck and we have our usual romp

And this on screams 1000000000 % PA...


Now you should stop being afraid to investigate...demand her phone and ask why only his texts are deleted and retrieve all the deleted texts from her phone...ask for a polygraph and dont accept and fall for her trying to make you feel guilty about not trusting her.In marriage there is no privacy at such level and someone who doesnt have anything to hide will happily cooperate to prove that he is innocent...

And when you have all your answers then you should decide what your next move should be R or D.

Oh and her saying that she likes him should have been enough for you to demand NC in the first place... and reading his emails must stop.She must delete them...

One more important thing:YOU CAN NOT NICE HER OUT OF HER AFFAIR.NEVER CRY IN FRONT OF HER,NEVER BEG AND NEVER PLEAD...

Good Luck
 
#10 ·
I tell you what is going through her mind. She wants this guy and he has pushed her away or got spooked. If he wanted her he could have her because youve taken no steps to prevent her from it. There should be consequences for her actions but you are shielding her from them. Rereading emails...that sounds like something a person who was dumped does. Im just guessing here but the person trying their best to end this thing is him. Maybe you should talk to him and ask for advise. She should not be on the same team as him. As long as she is she wont get over him and refocus on her marriage
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#14 · (Edited)
he began to come home later and later from some volunteer work she does. 36 months ago she would be home no later than nine whereas she would come home at 10 or 10:30. She would also come home from her sport later and later. She spent a lot of time texting and emailing. She became short with the kids and me. She also started a weird conversation one date night, "I could not have an affair. My face would give me away."

That's a whole lot of time to have a PA. You've "observed" more then enough, (too much IMHO) Now its time for direct action. Expose the affair to the OMW.

What excuse did she give you to justify her sleeping on the couch for two weeks? Why did you let her without getting to the bottom of the situation then? Sleeping on the couch doesn't automatically mean an Affair but it definitely means something is wrong. Wrong enough to not let it slide until you find the truth.
 
#15 ·
You say you are a nobody's fool but this looks like a PA to me, or for any unbiased neutral party. This is not even an affair. This looks like a long term relationship.

Just because she is having sex with you doesn't mean she isn't having sex with him.

In fact, many cheaters(WW) start having more sex with their spouses if they think that the BS is suspicious. Having more sex is a way of sidetracking the issue and obviously it is working for you...
 
#16 ·
It's not just an EA. Her detachment from you sexually is a sick way cheaters tend to bond with their AP's. She needed to be sexually faithful to her other man, so she shut things down on you as best she could.

Sorry you are here. This was a full-blown PA.
 
#17 ·
As an executive you can give instructions. Lets see if you are able to take them.

Here is a plan. Step by step. Play by play.

Execute it.

Please observe rule 1. SHUT UP about it for a bit.

VARs and evidence

Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the computer whenever you enter the room. She is suddenly staying out until 2 to 5 in the morning. She has new single friends. She has lost weight and is dressing hotter to boot. Her ex contacted her 3 weeks ago and she wants “to meet to catch up at some public place” Any of this sound familiar?

If you are reading this your gut is going crazy. “Relax”, in that there is a high liklihood that you are not crazy at least. “Your gut” is your basic instinct from the caveman period. There is something up with your mate. It is part of your mind built into you and in your DNA. You probably cant sleep. You are losing weight like crazy and are not hungry. Well if you are reading this and that is 90% of you reading this if its your first time... You are embarking on what is probably going to be the worst time of your life.

Chin up, yes I know it is damn near impossible to believe now, but I and the people at TAM here have taken dozens of men through this process. Some reconcile, most dont in the long run so be aware. Most of us hang around this grim grim place for a sense of “pay it forward” and “getting at the truth” Even in divorce, the long run the majority find love again... yes really. Often selecting a far far better future companion. Read poster BFF for a thread of disaster, divorce, recovery, and a new wonderful woman in his life. Younger and hotter, yes, but also one with better boundaries, often a far far better personality match. Oh and they get to go through that first time with her after the first I love you's have been exchanged. Just know, that for the majority, even if the marriage crashes, in six months, a year, maybe two you will wonder how you got so far so fast and how great your new life is. You will also be MUCH MUCH stronger as a person.

So. Here are your instructions. Do this now. I dont mean next week. I mean make something up within the next day and GET IT DONE! Not looking will only prolong your agony.
Rule 1 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding.
Rule 2 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding.
Rule 3 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding.

NO MORE CONFRONTS!! Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! Soft confronts RARELY WORK AND ONLY MAKE GETTING AT THE TRUTH HARDER!!! THIS PROLONGS YOUR AGONY! NEVER give up you get your intel from the VAR. You tell her, you always got your info from a PI or someone saw them. Hard confronts with overwhelming evidence to crush all resistance are the name of the game.

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 or ICDPX333 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
This is one item: Velcro Heavy-Duty Hook and Loop Fastener VEK90117: Office : Walmart.com
also
Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Walmart.com. Save money. Live better.
The velcro is usually in the fabric section or less often in the aisle with the fasteners like screws. The velcro pack is mostly blue with a yellow top. Clear pack shows the vecro color which is black or white.

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE
attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat.

ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.
I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

Amazon has a pen VAR that can be placed in a purse or other small place to get remote conversations. Yes the pen works.

Usual warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for four men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality.

Lets be very clear about what the VAR is for and is not for. It will not be court admissible evidence. It is not for the confrontation. IT IS TO GET YOU AHEAD OF THE AFFAIR so you can gain other real evidence by knowing the who and when. NEVER MENTION YOUR VAR EVIDENCE. As far as the cheater is concerned, they were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!!

If your wife comes home from an alone time does she immediately change liners, change panties possibly even immediately laundering them?, shower? This can be an after the fact clean up. Amazon sells a semen detection kit called checkmate.

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful. There is even a locator webpage you can track with.

Look for a burner phone. This is a second phone from a prepay service just used for cheating communications. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone" The dont use their main phone for cheating purposes.

There is an app out there called teensafe. Its for both Iphone and Android. It monitors texts, GPS and facebook. Needs no jailbreak. Not perfect and delayed but no jailbreak required.

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.
Here is a list 25 Apps to Help You Cheat On Your Girlfriend | Complex
Rclawson came up with how to get the PW on an ipad
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...eling-my-wife-cheating-me-16.html#post4692714

A poster named Stigmatizer came up with this nice app that appears to give the caller name for iphones:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...y-creepy-happening-my-home-7.html#post4769890

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/4854930-post220.html
Hi rosie!

If he uses chrome or firefox, there is probably a list of saved passwords you can look at. Even if his email isn't saved there, people usually only use a couple of different passwords, so one from the list might work.

For firefox it's Tools -> Options -> Security -> Saved Passwords

For Chrome it's the little box with three bars in the top right -> Settings - Show advanced settings -> Managed saved passwords
 
#20 · (Edited)
I am afraid that your gut feeling is that this was a PA and your selfish DNA genes are not misleading you. The account that you wrote was faithfully done. This will help you to resolve the problems. One problem is you. You are a good provider, good father, good lover, good husband, etc. But is wasn't enough. That hurts. So you will need to restore your self esteem, regardless of how things play out with your wife.

The other problem is your wife and her affair. You do not know if you have merely driven it underground. Also, now that she has had this experience, what is to stop her in the future?

Coaches have an enormous amount of influence because they are connecting the the athlete, i.e., the liminal subconscious hunter gatherer girl/woman who seeks fulfillment through physical contest. He is directly involved in her mind as you are not. Look at all the professional women tennis players who are married or sleep with their coaches. Those women play harder to please their men. She is collaborating closely on the hunt but with another male.

There is another thread Betrayed and Blindsided that you should read. His wife had an affair with her tennis coach. The other women on the team even got angry about it. He attempted the nice guy reconciliation for 6 months and she kept affair going. He is going through pure h€ll now. You may exchange messages with him to gain extra support.

Given that you have driven the affair underground, you are now in the unpleasant role of warden over your wife's heart and vagina. This is very unpleasant. It would be much better to have her come clean and confess to the sexual aspect of the affair because once it came out in the open you could deal with it.

JustGrinding, another poster, did 18 months of forensic work to bust his wife after the affair ended. You can probably recreate the records if you do enough work.

To prevent trickle truth you could file for divorce. Once she gets served and comes crying to you, demand her computer phone and all her passwords (FB, Google, games). You should be able to find evidence of the affair and you certainly can build a timeline. Once you have a dates and facts. You can quiz her. She will not remember everything but you should be able to find holes in her story.

Of course you should invite the coaches wife for coffee so that you can exchange information. Even if she is denial, it will still increase the pressure on the coach.

Some say that it is the WS who bears the responsibility and the AP is just a so-called POSOM/W. I think you should make getting rid of him from the team a goal. Use your business smarts to come up with strategies to drive him away. By defeating him you establish yourself as the alpha dude in your wife's eyes if that matters to you.

Is filing for divorce too severe a measure to employ? Only you can judge. The adage is you have to be prepared to lose your marriage to save it.

In all of this show restraint and dignity, just as you would not let a problem at work become an emotional confrontation, keep your affair busting mode sharp.
 
#21 ·
Have to agree with Longwalk.

When your guts screaming at you there is little if anything you can do but to listen.The explaination you provide is one that shows that its surely a PA and the body language seen is thats the tell tale sign. The cell with clear discussions and then sudden deletions is a massive concern because thats the evidence - sometimes it isnt what your readng in a text but what you see by the deletions. These often speak truth more than the cheat.

I suspect that if you start the filing process, because even if she admits it theres a powerful change someone else or even the same guy will be along soon, youll see her dive to cover her tracks - geting the cell and computer locked up asap is a real good way to maintain the evidence. That is where she'll head for. BY having the evidence you can demand the passwords etc and get in. If sge wont come clean there are loads of people out there wih the skills to get the details for you, at a cost of course but it will force her in to a corner where you can sat, "be up front or the techie gets the cell and the computer and Ill get everything recovered".

BTW you may want to look min to some STI checks. If there has been sexual connection with you and the otehr guy theres no saying what could be lurking. As an aside, you could even force her i to having one - then let slip the other guys details so he'll need a check as well. If your w is one of many hes playing with word will soon get about and his ba**s will be nailed to the bar.
 
#22 ·
She also started a weird conversation one date night, "I could not have an affair. My face would give me away."
I know this is going to sound twisted...but this WAS her admission. It's a very obtuse thought process but basically she was fishing and put the bait out there.

She makes a statement like this to see your reaction because she IS HAVING AN AFFAIR. If you don't react, then she's getting away with it and it absolves her guilt because "you should've figured it out".

In her mind, you either 1. don't care she is and in a screwy way approve of it or 2. don't really know her well enough so you can't be her "true love" and she "deserves true love". In either situation, you have proven to her that it's okay to continue the affair.

Sadly, she is 100% in a PA. Sorry.
 
#23 ·
I'm sorry about your situation. I would expose to the Coach's wife and also out the relationship to the other team members. Sorry, but the marriage comes before the team. Plus, if this is such a high-ranked team they are not going to want their coach focused on nookie more than wins.

You also sound like you have good finances and could afford a PI. Do it. Also VAR the car. Protect yourself. Whether or not you decide on R or D, this relationship needs to end and you need peace of mind. Best of luck to you!
 
#25 · (Edited)
I'm sorry about your situation. I would expose to the Coach's wife and also out the relationship to the other team members. Sorry, but the marriage comes before the team. Plus, if this is such a high-ranked team they are not going to want their coach focused on nookie more than wins.
That is a really good question: which is more important to the OP and his wife - keeping up appearances and maintaining their social circle, or doing whatever is going to be necessary to save the marriage? Would your wife change teams? Will she be willing to go NC? Will you be willing to change clubs entirely? Risk having friends turn their backs on you both?

OP you don't make it to where you are professionally by turning blind eyes and blushing at the sight of difficulty. You're also likely not a guy who just accepts things as they seem without doing a fair share of due diligence. You have to be able to read between the lines to be an executive.

So read between the lines. You don't need physical time together to be infatuated with someone. You need physical time alone to consummate a romantic / sexual relationship.

If you read long enough here you will see that affairs happen in every economic condition and every social situation. And yes, we all said, "My wife would NEVER..."

You will also see a pretty common issue of the WS not being honest, even with concrete evidence in front of them, until the consequences are severe enough. Whether that's a polygraph test (where the confession happens in the parking lot before the test), or the divorce papers showing up, or simply her crap smashed into trash bags and laying in the lawn. It has to be real enough and painful enough to shatter the illusory fog affairs thrive in.

It is the nature of a good husband to want to save the marriage at any cost. I know I'd throw myself in front of a moving car to save my wife, as would most of us. But you are instead being run down by a car driven by your wife and the OM. You can't rescue her this time. This one is all on her to fix.

Sadly you are about to face unimaginable pain and anguish when you discover your wife has been sexually intimate with the coach, maybe for a long time. The odds are 90+% it's physical and for quite a while.

A kind of business contingency plan is in order here. What if she did? What is your next move? How do you gather the evidence you feel you need to either forgive or call it quits? What are the terms, if any, that would enable you to re-establish trust? You need to be willing to accept whatever you find when you lift up the stone and look, and more importantly, you need to have a plan for each possibility.

I wish you the best of luck. I can't imagine all of this during the holidays. God bless you, man.
 
#24 ·
My story - EA - > PA ?

Is anyone else reading into this like I am?

Two things stick out, one he's proud of his position in life, etc., and as an exec he's skilled at getting those to do his bidding.

Two, he just wants to understand her, and and help her back on track (I'm paraphrasing).

This screams "I'm smart and can fix this if I just guide her through this"

OP, as one exec to another let me give you this in terms you'll understand:

If she were an employee, she would be in full probation. She is on the action plan list because "she" ****ed up. You can't "manage" her up on this one. Tell her in no uncertain terms "you ****ed up, you are going to get fired [divorced] if you don't change. "

You can't manipulate her to stop cheating, aka "do my bidding". The sport, the OM, these are all collateral damage. Cut this out of your organization like the cancer it is.
 
#26 · (Edited)
Re: My story - EA - > PA ?

Is anyone else reading into this like I am?

Two things stick out, one he's proud of his position in life, etc., and as an exec he's skilled at getting those to do his bidding.

Two, he just wants to understand her, and and help her back on track (I'm paraphrasing).

This screams "I'm smart and can fix this if I just guide her through this"

OP, as one exec to another let me give you this in terms you'll understand:

If she were an employee, she would be in full probation. She is on the action plan list because "she" ****ed up. You can't "manage" her up on this one. Tell her in no uncertain terms "you ****ed up, you are going to get fired [divorced] if you don't change. "

You can't manipulate her to stop cheating, aka "do my bidding". The sport, the OM, these are all collateral damage. Cut this out of your organization like the cancer it is.
Exactly. OP, I used to tell my managers that we always hire people for what they know, and always fire them for who they are.

You can't change who she is. Only she can do that.
 
#28 · (Edited)
Affairs thrive in secrecy, OP. That's the naughty thrill of it. It's forbidden fruit.

When the whole world knows you are a cheater, it loses its luster pretty damn fast.

Plus, as a married man, if my wife and yours shared the same coach, I damn well WANT to be warned of a predator at my family's doorstep. I would do no less than let the others know what this man is capable of. I would be furious with you if you let an adulterer loose on my family when you could have said something.
 
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#29 ·
I am greatly pained by her anguish. I sense she has a lot of guilt and a lot of longing. I want to reach her and help her through this while reaching a resolution.
ACK!

This is a situation where you have to start acting.. You let this train wreck unravel over a 20 month period. This is not a business transaction.

Yes, she had sex with him. 99.9% this is guaranteed. The way to find out for sure is to schedule a lie detector test. And, wait for her to confess more in the parking lot. In fact, drive her to the police statoin tonight and tell her you set up the test and make her think you are taking her inside and she will spill her guts.

If she is not remoresful and regretful, then she is still in touch with him and still cheating on you.

If she is reading his emails, then she is still in an affiar and not in your marriage and you should not tolerat this.

She needs to earn her way back into your marriage. Not be given carte blanch to cheat or be selfish. How does she earn her way back into her marriage?

-- she willingly takes a lie detctor test
-- She deletes all his emails
-- She gives you access to her phone, computers, passwords etc.
-- She agress to never contact him again
-- She quits the team and agrees to never participate in mixed sex recreataion again.
-- She sends him a letter of no contact (please research this on this web site)
-- She or you exposes this affair to the team, friends, family, everyone
-- Anything else you require of a wife...
 
#30 ·
Wondering,

Sounds eerily similar to my story. I hate to say it, as I am currently going through hell right now, but she is sleeping with this coach. I would bet half of my money on it (my stbxw's half).

Everyone that has commented to you is 100% spot on. I am so sorry you are here. I feel absolutely awful for you and I understand what you are dealing with. I am in your shoes - same size - only a few months ahead of you.

Feel free to PM me if you want.
 
#31 ·
WonderIf

I know you want insight as to how she is thinking but that is hard to give you.

What you need to do is make a decision.

You need the truth. She needs to tell you all that happened. All of it.

Why?

Not to shame her but to get it all out in the open at counseling. You see if you do not know all the truth, and the counselor does not know all the truth then you are all just wasting your time.

And if you do not get all the facts on the table so you all can deal with them then resentment will build on both sides and your wife will go right back to full time cheating and hurting you and your family.

She is still lying to you. Stop letting her. Call her out in front of the counselor. Do it in a constructive way with the counselors help.

Why did her first marriage end?

HM
 
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