Little history..I found out 2 1/2 years ago about my husband's 3 year affair with a co-worker. First year & 1/2 it was an emotional affair that finally turned into a physical affair. Within the same week I got the call from the hospice nurse that it was time to call the family in and that Mom only had days left to live. So I was reeling from just finding out my husband of 24 years had been cheating on me to my Mom. My husband went with me to my Mom's to stay and neither he or the OW had the respect or decency to not call each other or text. So not only was I dealing with Mom's dying but also having to deal with my husband using ever excuse he could to run off to call or text her. The affair continue for 5 months after I found out and it took an additional 2 months for my husband to throw away the gifts she had bought him and to say I love you and start the healing process.To make a rather long story short....
Typical or not so typical I took up drinking to drown the anger inside of me. I wasn't suppose to let it out. I was allowed to let the pain and sadness out. I could cry and talk about the pain of the affair and he'd tell me and he's proven over and over again that he is sorry. I trust him never to cheat on me again. But for 2 years I've held all the resentment, anger inside. Only twice in the last 2 years did I really let that anger out and it was within the first couple of months of finding about the affair. I got punished for it, by him returning to her, so I learned real quick not to let my anger show. It's come out in little spurts every now and then and I always end of apologizing and shoving it back down into the angry black hole in my heart.
But inside of me is this very angry, resentful woman that can't or won't forgive. Unfortunately last night I had way to much to drink, and all the anger & resentment came pouring out. I said a lot of hateful, mean angry words, and I meant them. I had been keeping those words bottle up inside of me for 2 years. So today I'm getting the silent treatment and being punished again for being angry. I'm tired and no longer want to do this. I wonder if there is any saving this marriage? I know I need to let go of the anger and resentment, I just don't know how!
You are allowed to be angry and need to express it somehow. I think once you get through the anger, you may be able to work towards true forgiveness with your husband. Do you have a good girlfriend that you can go to when you are angry? do you have a journal where you can write things down? have you gone to amarriage counselor? you should not be afraid of when you are angry that your husband is going to run back to the OW. That is emotional blackmail. And yes, when you are angry and let hateful things fly, there will be consequences and he may just need some time to think about what you said, and you should apologize for what you said. If you haven't already, the two of you should go to marriage counseling to learn how to deal with your anger together and any other unresolved issues there are between you.
No marriage counseling We've been trying to do this on our own. Until some bills are paid off we can't afford counseling. No insurance so we've muddle by for 2 years and I've kept the anger buried most of the time. I really don't want to apologize again. I know from doing a year of counseling on my own while we were separated during his affair that I need to process the anger and resentment and there are better ways of doing it than how I did it last night. I'm not worried about him running back to the OW he ended the affair when he found out she was cheating on him. She's remarried and lives about 800 miles away. It's just the silent treatment now. I'll go back to keeping it locked away in that black hole and I'll end up apologizing again. I'm sorry for the way it came out, but not for the emotion and words behind it. On the other hand I'm not so sure we can wait another 6 months till all we have left to pay each month is the mortgage and utilities.
So just a few suggestions, you could look into a anger management class, or read some books on dealing with anger, or possibly go to your pastor for conseling. I personally think your anger is justified but holding it in will eat you alive.
A divorce is more expensive than counseling. Lack of money is simply NOT an excuse. It's worth taking on debt for this IF you want to fix the marriage.
Imagine putting money before your tx for a treatable but otherwise fatal disease. Your marriage has this disease. You either spend the $$ or you choose to let it die, most likely.
I think in just about every case of infidelity the the betrayed spouse is left with those little details of the affair that can drive them crazy. The things their spouses did that were so blatantly wrong and when those details are remembered and dwelled upon, the anger and resentment flourishes.
I've heard people say to imagine yourself putting those thoughts in a box and locking it. That can be helpful. A few weeks ago, on a morning radio show I listen to, I heard a woman say that not forgiving someone is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die. That was a pretty big "Aha" moment for me. In my case, the unhealthy anger and resentment was directed at the OW, but maybe it could be useful for you,too.
I wonder if you're getting the silent treatment because he's wondering if he will ever truly be forgiven. Yes, what he did was terrible, but you chose to stay with him and save your marriage. In all the articles I've read on the subject, they tell you the affair cannot be brought up in anger or used during a disagreement. It's just one of the rules, ya know?
As for the drinking, in the first few months of discovery, I found it difficult to imbibe and stay in control of my anger and emotions. And just imagine what goes through the spouses mind when they think things are looking up and they just want to relax and have a couple drinks with their loved one and suddenly that person let's loose with pent up rage. I remember seeing how hurt my husband was and feeling even worse than I did before.
I'm no expert, but maybe you should let your husband know that the things you've said really come from a place of pain more than anger and don't apologize for your feelings, but for the way they were expressed.
The fact that you trust him not to cheat again is huge. In my opinion, that's what matters most. The two of you are doing something right if you've reached that point. Focus on that and try not to let those pesky details of the past bog you down. Do some venting here, if you need to. Most of the people here can totally relate. Best wishes! Posted via Mobile Device
Thanks for the words of wisdom. I spent Sunday night at my brother's house just to get away and think. Came home Monday, Hubby and I talked, we both agreed we need to go to marriage counseling. There are a lot of unresolved issues that we have been avoiding over the last 2 1/2 years. Looking currently for one that is income based. We truly love each other just need to work out some of the details.
Go to the marriagebuilders.com site and start reading. Harley has a couple of books that will be very helpful. Most of the regulars on this site trust Harley unconditionally. Both of you need to read what every is available on the site. I expect if you follow his program you will make a rapid recovery. You don't have to live with the pain. You need to find love again with each other.
You definitely need to go to a marriage counselor, it will help so much. Does either of your companies have an EAP? That is free. That's what we did. In our situation, we only needed a couple sessions, the therapist thought we had made huge strides on our own.
In fact, the other night we had one of our biggest fights since the affair. Over something silly. and it was the first time I had EVER brought up the A during a fight, since I know that's a big no-no. He was angry at me for blowing "everything" out of proportion - making a big deal out of things that weren't. Which, in the case of what we were fighting about, he was right. (hate it when that happens ) However, I had to throw back that everything to him was "no big deal." I proceeded to list things that were no big deal to him......including sleeping with my friend. Not a proud moment.
We're fine now. I aplogized but I did express that sometimes he just needs to let me be mad, even it it's about something stupid. I have never really gotten MAD about the A. Never screamed, yelled, got mad, etc. Got very upset but not the other. So, I just told him he needs to give me a little lee-way there if he could. Just let me be mad about something stupid. When he doesn't retaliate back with anger and just lets me be. I get over it very quickly and realize it was stupid and will apologize. Otherwise it turns into that vicious cycle of resentment that got us here in the first place.
I feel for you as I'm going through some of what you are, although I'm early in on it, only 6 months since I found out......
I think you have to sit down with your hubby and explain that you have a lot of anger built up by what has happened in your marriage, tell him you trust him and that he has proven that he can be trusted by his actions......
Tell him this is your issue and that you need his help to work through this......
Be honest with your feelings, tell him you need to have him hear what is going on with you, tell him you don't need for him to get upset by you telling him any of this.....you need him to listen and understand why you need to vent this......I do this and I have also asked my husband to take me in his arms and tell me that what I'm feeling is normal and that everything will be okay because he loves me and that we want to have a good marriage and future together, I'm sure there are times when he wishes I could just get over it but he knows it will take reassurance on his part to re-build and he knows it will take some time for me to feel safe and let go of the anger that takes place for me at times.......
It is like a death and the steps to grieving. Look it up and see what the stages are........
It's just such a hard thing to understand for us, how they could have left us for someone else, and then we are suppose to just accept that when parts of our marriage don't totally belong to us any longer.....
Belief system is damaged and it's like we are just waiting for something to happen again.......
I'm sorry you are still in this place but keeping it in out of fear is not right......if he is really willing to stay married he will be willing to work with you.......
It's you time to really get close to him, let him help you.....
We sat down and talked a couple of days ago, but I really don't know why? We've done this over and over again and things don't change. He doesn't understand why I'm still so angry, Our first counselor warned us it takes 2 years or more to recover from an affair. We went all of 2 times. I think if we had continued going we wouldn't be still stuck..It's been 2 years this month. We are in the same place today that we were 4 years ago before the affair.
2 1/2 years later..Still angry 
) However, I had to throw back that everything to him was "no big deal." I proceeded to list things that were no big deal to him......including sleeping with my friend. Not a proud moment. 
