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Old 07-08-2010, 11:52 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife Excessively Text Messaging Male Friend

Hello Kind Board,

I need to get some feedback. I appreciate your help in advance.

I was going through my cell phone bill, and all of the sudden noticed that it had doubled. I checked it out, and I must have let the unlimited text messaging expire - so we were getting charged per message.

I determined that my wife (first marriage - happily married 3 years) was doing a lot of text messaging - about 180 texts outgoing, and 180 incoming. She was texting a friend of her's from English language school - a guy that I have met, and don't (didn't) really feel threatened by.

I did a public records search to find out who it was - as I couldn't determine by the phone records alone. It was the middle of the night - and I wanted an answer right away, and my gut told me that I needed to know. I determined that it was a male friend of hers.

So, I was pretty upset - since it cost an extra $100.00, and seemed excessive to me.

The guy is single (his wife died), 36, has a child, and from the same country as my wife, a handsome man who drives a red Corvette convertible, and really nice. (so I thought until I did a further criminal records search on him - turns out he had some alcohol related/domestic violence/DUI/resisting arrest brushes with the law about 5-10 years ago. Most of the stuff was dismissed. I guess some people can't hold their liquor. Supposedly he doesn't drink anymore...)

I am about the same age as him (okay - a few years older), but my wife is 10 years younger than him, very pretty, and from Central America. This guy is from Central America too - and I am from the US.

So when I asked her who she had texted so much, she told me a bunch of names, but didn't mention his. (Oh yeah - all of the messages were deleted from her phone - I checked it first before asking her.)

When I asked her whose phone number was xxx-xxxx, she said that she didn't know, and that it was probably her girlfriend from Colombia. To which I said, you mean you texted back and forth 360 times in a month - and you don't know whose number it is?

I was really upset by then, and instead of telling me who it was, she persisted in the lie. Which made me irate - but still I wasn't shouting, flying off the handle, etc. I maintained my composure as I wanted to see if she would finally admit it.

So I said, "Okay, so if I call this number then your girl-friend is going to answer - right? - Should we give it a try?"

Finally, she came around to understanding that I probably knew who it was already - but didn't volunteer the answer. So I said, what about this guy - xxxx - could it have been him?

She said, well, yes, it could have been. To which I said - do you know or not? How come you didn't mention his name before? Are you telling me that it is - or that you aren't sure (keep in mind that this constituted 85%-90% of her messaging) - and she said that it probably was.

I knew that they texted, and she wasn't secretive about it previously - and she had my explicit permission to be friends with him, so it's not like I am the jealous husband or anything.

She had no reason to hide the volume of texts from me - other than my being angry when confronting her. Not shouting, not abusive, but visibly upset.

And I said, so are you telling me now that it was this guy - or what? Finally, I told her that based on her answers that I knew she was lying. And she admitted that she was lying - for the entire conversation.

Her excuse was that she could see how upset I was at the beginning, and didn't want to tell me it was him. (That she would have told me later - when I calmed down.)

We have no past issues of any jealousy, other people, etc. at all - and no reason for her to lie about him.


Of course, I hammered her on the fact that while I may have been upset in the beginning, her lying made me irate, and now I do not trust her. ( Although I really do...I guess...)

She had been texting him every day - sometimes for hours at a time back and forth. Also a few phone calls a week as well. She says that they talk about school, that he needs help with computers, etc.

How much can you really talk about through texting? I can't even text twice in a row...

Keep in mind that I know where she is all the time - so nothing more has gone on with this than messaging, we have a small baby, and she doesn't drive, and my parents live next door.

There is no opportunity for her to have been alone with him. That's for sure - so we don't need to talk about this having advanced already to the next level. If I didn't have that in my favor, I might be talking to a lawyer right now instead of this message board....that's my attempt at humor

I know that she is faithful, and is only friends with the guy - but let's face it - hundreds of texts over the course of the month, for three months running, and when confronted about it immediately lying - what's a guy to think?

My opinion is that she is naive, and is really just friends with the guy, and that I have nothing to worry about.

However, these things can grow into more, and the fact that she lied, and that all of the messages were deleted gives me reason to wonder.

(Says that she had to delete the messages since her in-box was full - which is believable, and it's also believable that she lied to me because I appeared so mad at first - and of course she said that she was going to tell me the truth later........yeah. Whatever.)

We don't (didn't) have any problems, and this really appeared to shake her up, she cried, etc. I have gone through all of the implications with her, heart to heart talk, etc. etc. What can happen from things like this, blah, blah, blah.

Okay - what do you all think? Of course, it's obvious. I have every reason to worry, even though I know that things haven't progressed. I still trust her - but probably shouldn't - right?

This is affecting my ability to work/think etc., so I need to get on with life.

Basically, sounds fishy to me, it's been a few days now - and I have dragged her through the mud, she feels terrible, and now we are both emotionally distraught.

She isn't planning on continuing the texting, but I am not going to tell her to end the friendship either - however, my opinion is that once you lie about a friend of the opposite sex, you have lost the right to that friendship.

In other words, if it means that much to you, then perhaps other arrangements need to be made.....I am so angry I could spit!

I know that she loves me, and feels terrible. We have been a happy couple, just celebrated our son's first birthday, and are waiting for his first steps. This should be the happiest time of our lives, but now we are both miserable. I am a good looking, nice and smart guy, and treat my wife like a queen.

Is this normal? To text message 10-20 times a day - every day - to another man? A friend? She doesn't text other people - he is 85-90% of the activity?

I guess my basic question is this - am I overreacting by being upset and feeling threatened by this guy? Should I tell her that the friendship needs to end? Should I attempt to recover the deleted messages and read them with her? Should I tell the guy to stay away from my wife before I put a brick through his shiny car? (just kidding) Should I tell my wife that it's going to be a while before the smile returns to my face? Act normal?

signed,

Coolcat
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Old 07-08-2010, 12:26 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife Excessively Text Messaging Male Friend

You said she doesn't drive, is a stay-at-home mom and is not from this country. She finds someone who is from her country to talk with. Could it be simply she's lonely? She may/may not have any feelings for this man other then friendship for now.

Do YOU text her enough, talk with her and involve her in things? Does she have any other friends she can go and spend time with, take a spa trip with, go shopping, talk on the phone, etc? Think about it from her perspective. Staying home with a kiddo can be exhausting but also boring, they don't talk back to you yet. Your parents are find and dandy, but they are still parents, not peers.
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Old 07-08-2010, 12:31 PM   #3 (permalink)
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My opinion is that she is naive, and is really just friends with the guy, and that I have nothing to worry about.
Yeah, that's what I thought when I first discovered my wife's secret relationship with another man. To a point you may be correct, my wife did think it was just a friendship but in actuality she was in denial. She really didn't realize how deep she was in until contact was broken, then she realized and confessed to me that she was in love with him. It was EA only, never a PA but it took a huge toll on our marriage.

You have a right to and should be concerned about this relationship. I strongly recommend that she end all contact with this man forever and work on your marriage together. When a spouse turns to someone else for emotional support it is generally because they are missing something in the marriage. See if the two of you can discuss and understand what each of you wants in the marriage. Good luck.
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Old 07-08-2010, 12:37 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I understand that she may be lonely, but that's why I made sure she is enrolled in a local college, where she can meet people and make friends. I would text her if I could, but I work during the day. I started getting up at 4 AM and going to work early, so I could get home early to be with her and our son. I have encouraged her to hook up with girlfriends to go shopping, even encouraged her to use some free tickets that she won to go with another guy (not this one) from her class to go the movies.

I get your point, but I am watching our baby three nights a week while she goes to class to make friends - I just didn't expect her to single out a male friend and exclusively interact with him.

While I may be a bit defensive, I think that you are right. At this point, I am trying to get her into driving school in order for her to have more independence away from me. I believe that your analysis is on point.
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Old 07-08-2010, 02:19 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I get your point, but I am watching our baby three nights a week while she goes to class to make friends - I just didn't expect her to single out a male friend and exclusively interact with him.

While I may be a bit defensive, I think that you are right. At this point, I am trying to get her into driving school in order for her to have more independence away from me. I believe that your analysis is on point.
I don't think your being overly defensive cool. And if it seemed like I was picking on you, that was not my intent. I am just trying to say sometimes it's NOT always cheating, etc.

Could it also be that she has different views on appropriate relationships then you do? We tend to always forget not everyone in other countries have the same world views we do here in the states. It's possibly (I have no idea for sure) that where she is from it's perfectly normal and okay to have a relationship like that. We are all products of our environment and society, they mold us in ways we don't always see.

I was raised in the states, but I was raised in an unconventional household by an unconventional mother. :-) Because of those early years I do have some views on relationships that a lot of people do not share. You may be served well by talking to her and asking her about her relationship with him and what her views on friendship like that really are. If her views don't match yours, yall can then work together to find a happy medium for you both.
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Old 07-08-2010, 02:44 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Here's the thing. She's alone in a foreign country, cannot drive, totally dependent on you, a new mother so her old fun life is gone, husband is TOO nice so she has lost respect for him and thus gets excited when another man actually breaks barriers to thrill her with an emotional affair - something her boring safe husband would NEVER do, has to live next door to her MIL...and then you find out and all you do is say 'I wish you wouldn't do that?'

Man, you are just ASKING her to make it a full-blown affair.

Take her phone for now. Pay the man a visit and tell him to keep his phone and his hands off your wife. Line up a romantic, sexy vacation for the two of you while your mom watches the baby, and get back to business with her so she remembers why she married you.
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Old 07-08-2010, 02:48 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Check the times they are texting or talking, if it is early AM and late PM, it's more than a 'friend' thing..
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Old 07-08-2010, 04:45 PM   #8 (permalink)
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The quantity of text messages PLUS the fact she deleted ALL of them is a huge red flag.



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Originally Posted by Crypsys View Post
I don't think your being overly defensive cool. And if it seemed like I was picking on you, that was not my intent. I am just trying to say sometimes it's NOT always cheating, etc.

Could it also be that she has different views on appropriate relationships then you do? We tend to always forget not everyone in other countries have the same world views we do here in the states. It's possibly (I have no idea for sure) that where she is from it's perfectly normal and okay to have a relationship like that. We are all products of our environment and society, they mold us in ways we don't always see.

I was raised in the states, but I was raised in an unconventional household by an unconventional mother. :-) Because of those early years I do have some views on relationships that a lot of people do not share. You may be served well by talking to her and asking her about her relationship with him and what her views on friendship like that really are. If her views don't match yours, yall can then work together to find a happy medium for you both.
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Old 07-08-2010, 04:46 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Crypsys - I agree. I think the same way that you do. I believe that men and women can and should be friends, in trust, etc.

Unfortunately, both my wife and this man are from countries where the men are extremely jealous and controlling. Many people there actually question my sexuality because I am so nice.

Amplexor - I told her to end the relationship immediately or we would be done.

Turnera - Yep. I am inviting a full blown affair if I don't put my foot down. So that's what I just did. In certain and stern tones I played the "macho" card. Which is what I felt like doing anyway - the jealous beast lives within us all I am afraid - best to keep it under control, and only let it out when absolutely necessary......and I think that this was the time.

2daughters - Yep, texts late at night. Problem.

The phone rang again just now, and it was all that I could do not to tell her, "it's okay honey, you can stay friends." (and then hope that she had the sense to end it.)

I stuck to my guns. Now I am doing what my Latino friends would do. Tell her it's me or him - and this ends immediately or else.

You see, these people are from El Salvador and Guatemala. Two of the most corrupt and violent places on Earth. Women there are treated very poorly- and most of the married men have multiple girlfriends.

They don't even let their wives/girlfriends talk to other men.

The guy she is talking to has a history including a domestic violence charge - I am sure that if the shoe were on the other foot he would kick my butt. Seriously. However, it is my wife who had been initiating the contact day after day. It's not his fault -

By the way, her father wouldn't even let her talk to boys or wear shorts until she was 15 - when he died.

Actually, my niceness constantly causes people to misread me. I have driven the highway down through Mexico to Central America, raced the corrupt police to the border in Guatemala, traveled extensive in El Salvador 10 times,and fished commercially in the Bering Sea where I have stood up to a drunken Eskimo with a six gun at my temple. I just seem weak. I am not. Most of the time that I am in her country, I have to worry about being kidnapped and killed. I am not kidding. These are places where the weak do not survive.

I plan on talking through the relationship, figuring out how to improve it, romantic vacation, getting her a driver's license, and giving as much freedom as possible - except for this guy. I am going to draw the line. Seems like I have to.

I realize now that we had been having respect issues, where she yells at me, wakes me up in the middle of the night and orders me around (getting the bottle ready for the baby, etc.)

I guess I gotta "Man Up" here. Sounds stupid, and it runs counter to our modern culture, but these people are not in the same century as us when it comes to the relationship between men and women.

This is what happens when an American man marries a shy Salvadoran woman who is substantially younger. I guess it comes with the territory......

best regards and thanks a million,

Coolcat


PS Please forgive me if I am making an ass out of myself. I am just trying to be honest and thoughtful in applying your advice. El Salvador is a beautiful country, with lots of nice "modern" men and women. Not all Latinos are macho jerks either - but to ignore reality is also misleading.
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Old 07-08-2010, 04:53 PM   #10 (permalink)
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The quantity of text messages PLUS the fact she deleted ALL of them is a huge red flag.
I delete my text messages because I don't like the clutter and I know I have nothing to hide from my wife. Not everything IS always bad, just as it's not always good either. You have to take each situation in it's own and go from there. Just because 1 person deleted them to try and hide things doesn't mean another does it for the same exact reason.

I probably text easily 60+ texts a day to various people. My wife probably text messages even more then that, we are voracious texters! I'd rather text someone then call them on the phone.
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Old 07-08-2010, 05:00 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I delete my text messages because I don't like the clutter and I know I have nothing to hide from my wife.
Yeah, my wife told that one to me too. I agree Crypsys, that not all situations are the same, nor people. But when you start finding several smoking guns a pattern develops that is common in affairs, EA or PA. Hiding, omissions, lying, late night contacts, denial.... there all here and like I said my wife didn't even realize she was in love with TOM until she broke contact.
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Old 07-08-2010, 05:06 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Hey - should I ask Verizon Wireless for copies of the messages? I have heard that it is possible - not easy - but possible to get them.

She has said that it would be okay with her - I just don't know that it is material to the problem. The messages themselves might just be small talk - and not incriminating in and of themselves.

Thoughts?
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Old 07-08-2010, 05:52 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I would get them because you never know how this is going to turn out. You may have to have evidence. Sorry.

fwiw, I agree with going macho on this.
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Old 07-09-2010, 11:14 AM   #14 (permalink)
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I thought the same thing about my husband, this is exactly how I found out about his affair with his OW, which he also claimed was just a friend in need of help with a problem.......BS.......
Take control, cut the phone off for now, tell her she can't be trusted to use it in a respectful way to your marriage then you will not continue to pay for her affair....EA whatever it is......
Talk to the OM, Tell him you are not going to just let him talk to your Wife......culture or no culture......
Tell her she is free to go if she wants him and that this is not acceptable in your marriage......
Good luck
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Old 07-09-2010, 12:14 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Thanks everyone. All of you have valid points - from the don't panic to the put your foot down I have applied them all.

I have put the lid on this - I can tell that I am somewhat in denial and you all have given me the strength to do two things:

Face the reality - put my foot down - and realize that it while it might not be as bad as I think - it also very well may be worse.

I am standing firm now - this is not acceptable and won't be tolerated. Once she lied - she lost "friendship" rights with this guy.

He actually came up to my car yesterday when I was dropping her off at school - and telling her to break off all contact with him - and had the audacity to apologize and offer to pay my phone bill.

(She talked to him in passing the day before yesterday - and told him that the phone bill was a problem. He had said how sad she looked - asked her what's wrong, etc.)

He was so damned charming that in the moment he was at my car that it all seemed so innocent......I am embarrassed to say that but it is true. He said that it was all his fault, for asking her lots of little questions, etc. However, I can see the snake in the grass here. I should have whacked it in the head by telling him no more contact.

But wouldn't that also have shown him that he was creating a more serious rift? And maybe play into his hands somehow? I don't want him to know that he had become a central issue in our personal life -

I should have told him right then and there that I didn't want him talking to her anymore, but I didn't want to make a scene. That was probably a mistake - this guy is super smooth. Would make you feel like a fool to accuse him of alterior motives.

I told him absolutely not, no way did I want any "help" paying the bill.

They go to the same school, and she could have been in his class, but stayed at her level instead. (she decided that a month ago - so at least she isn't trying to be in his class.)

I felt like if I told him there in the parking lot, that I would become the subject of school gossip, and that I would be known as a jealous jerk. However, that is probably what I should have done. Maybe I need to be known as a jealous husband. Dang - I could kick myself now for not setting him straight.

Do I really need to talk to the other man? Shouldn't I be able to tell my wife - no more contact with this guy or else? Or maybe "should" doesn't factor in here.

I think at this point that I am doing everything right - except for not confronting him directly. She told me that she didn't have a problem with me talking to him directly about it. In the moment I didn't think it was the right thing to do - he caught me off guard.....I could kick myself now for not telling him that I didn't want him talking to her anymore. I am trying not to make her the subject of gossip at school - I want her to feel comfortable there.

I would like to keep him out of our personal business......and from knowing that he has caused a major rift. Shouldn't it be enough to tell my wife to stop all contact? Do I need to tell him too? And risk making her the subject of gossip? I really don't want to humiliate her publicly at school for this.........

If she end all contact now with him - I am a fool not to tell this guy the next time I see him that I don't want him talking to my wife anymore? I think I know the answer already......
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