Hello Kind Board,
I need to get some feedback. I appreciate your help in advance.
I was going through my cell phone bill, and all of the sudden noticed that it had doubled. I checked it out, and I must have let the unlimited text messaging expire - so we were getting charged per message.
I determined that my wife (first marriage - happily married 3 years) was doing a lot of text messaging - about 180 texts outgoing, and 180 incoming. She was texting a friend of her's from English language school - a guy that I have met, and don't (didn't) really feel threatened by.
I did a public records search to find out who it was - as I couldn't determine by the phone records alone. It was the middle of the night - and I wanted an answer right away, and my gut told me that I needed to know. I determined that it was a male friend of hers.
So, I was pretty upset - since it cost an extra $100.00, and seemed excessive to me.
The guy is single (his wife died), 36, has a child, and from the same country as my wife, a handsome man who drives a red Corvette convertible, and really nice. (so I thought until I did a further criminal records search on him - turns out he had some alcohol related/domestic violence/DUI/resisting arrest brushes with the law about 5-10 years ago. Most of the stuff was dismissed. I guess some people can't hold their liquor. Supposedly he doesn't drink anymore...)
I am about the same age as him (okay - a few years older), but my wife is 10 years younger than him, very pretty, and from Central America. This guy is from Central America too - and I am from the US.
So when I asked her who she had texted so much, she told me a bunch of names, but didn't mention his. (Oh yeah - all of the messages were deleted from her phone - I checked it first before asking her.)
When I asked her whose phone number was xxx-xxxx, she said that she didn't know, and that it was probably her girlfriend from Colombia. To which I said, you mean you texted back and forth 360 times in a month - and you don't know whose number it is?
I was really upset by then, and instead of telling me who it was, she persisted in the lie. Which made me irate - but still I wasn't shouting, flying off the handle, etc. I maintained my composure as I wanted to see if she would finally admit it.
So I said, "Okay, so if I call this number then your girl-friend is going to answer - right? - Should we give it a try?"
Finally, she came around to understanding that I probably knew who it was already - but didn't volunteer the answer. So I said, what about this guy - xxxx - could it have been him?
She said, well, yes, it could have been. To which I said - do you know or not? How come you didn't mention his name before? Are you telling me that it is - or that you aren't sure (keep in mind that this constituted 85%-90% of her messaging) - and she said that it probably was.
I knew that they texted, and she wasn't secretive about it previously - and she had my explicit permission to be friends with him, so it's not like I am the jealous husband or anything.
She had no reason to hide the volume of texts from me - other than my being angry when confronting her. Not shouting, not abusive, but visibly upset.
And I said, so are you telling me now that it was this guy - or what? Finally, I told her that based on her answers that I knew she was lying. And she admitted that she was lying - for the entire conversation.
Her excuse was that she could see how upset I was at the beginning, and didn't want to tell me it was him. (That she would have told me later - when I calmed down.)
We have no past issues of any jealousy, other people, etc. at all - and no reason for her to lie about him.
Of course, I hammered her on the fact that while I may have been upset in the beginning, her lying made me irate, and now I do not trust her. ( Although I really do...I guess...)
She had been texting him every day - sometimes for hours at a time back and forth. Also a few phone calls a week as well. She says that they talk about school, that he needs help with computers, etc.
How much can you really talk about through texting? I can't even text twice in a row...
Keep in mind that I know where she is all the time - so nothing more has gone on with this than messaging, we have a small baby, and she doesn't drive, and my parents live next door.
There is no opportunity for her to have been alone with him. That's for sure - so we don't need to talk about this having advanced already to the next level. If I didn't have that in my favor, I might be talking to a lawyer right now instead of this message board....that's my attempt at humor
I know that she is faithful, and is only friends with the guy - but let's face it - hundreds of texts over the course of the month, for three months running, and when confronted about it immediately lying - what's a guy to think?
My opinion is that she is naive, and is really just friends with the guy, and that I have nothing to worry about.
However, these things can grow into more, and the fact that she lied, and that all of the messages were deleted gives me reason to wonder.
(Says that she had to delete the messages since her in-box was full - which is believable, and it's also believable that she lied to me because I appeared so mad at first - and of course she said that she was going to tell me the truth later........yeah. Whatever.)
We don't (didn't) have any problems, and this really appeared to shake her up, she cried, etc. I have gone through all of the implications with her, heart to heart talk, etc. etc. What can happen from things like this, blah, blah, blah.
Okay - what do you all think? Of course, it's obvious. I have every reason to worry, even though I know that things haven't progressed. I still trust her - but probably shouldn't - right?
This is affecting my ability to work/think etc., so I need to get on with life.
Basically, sounds fishy to me, it's been a few days now - and I have dragged her through the mud, she feels terrible, and now we are both emotionally distraught.
She isn't planning on continuing the texting, but I am not going to tell her to end the friendship either - however, my opinion is that once you lie about a friend of the opposite sex, you have lost the right to that friendship.
In other words, if it means that much to you, then perhaps other arrangements need to be made.....I am so angry I could spit!
I know that she loves me, and feels terrible. We have been a happy couple, just celebrated our son's first birthday, and are waiting for his first steps. This should be the happiest time of our lives, but now we are both miserable. I am a good looking, nice and smart guy, and treat my wife like a queen.
Is this normal? To text message 10-20 times a day - every day - to another man? A friend? She doesn't text other people - he is 85-90% of the activity?
I guess my basic question is this - am I overreacting by being upset and feeling threatened by this guy? Should I tell her that the friendship needs to end? Should I attempt to recover the deleted messages and read them with her? Should I tell the guy to stay away from my wife before I put a brick through his shiny car? (just kidding) Should I tell my wife that it's going to be a while before the smile returns to my face? Act normal?