Emotional Affair
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 07-09-2010, 09:51 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Emotional Affair

Hi, I'm new here and hoping that you'll be kind.

I've been married for 9 years, my husband is a wonderful man who I love very very much, he goes through pretty dark periods of depression and I find that I spend a lot of my time trying to jolly him out of his moods. He isn't very communicative and sometimes it's like pulling hens teeth to get him to talk, he also isn't very physically demonsterative and doesn't ever EVER annitiate physical affection. that said, I DO love him very much and would never never want to hurt him in any way.

A couple of weeks ago a male friends (online only so nothing physical) started paying a lot of attention to me, I found myself becoming increasingly attached to him, he was so easy to talk to and we talked about a lot of things in my past that my husband has said outright he doesn't want to know about. I found that I was having more and more feelings for this man.
I was very confused, he started calling me which just added to my confusion.

I didn't really understand what an 'emotional affair' was until I started looking at things online. I have said goodbye to this man and told him not to call me anymore and removed messanger from my computer so that there will be no temptation to 'chat'. I feel like I've done the right thing but now I feel so incredibly lonely

I don't know wether I should tell my husband what happened, I don't think with his insecurities he could handle it very well. I've asked him before about going into therapy but he isn't willing to see that there might be a problem, he believes that he's just 'quiet' and I should just accept things as they are.

I just want to be happy and it just seems so damn hard to be these days. I miss my friend but I don't want to get caught back up in something that will ultimately damage my marriage and hurt my husband.

I need help
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Old 07-09-2010, 10:04 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Emotional Affair

I for one think you should tell him. Take whatever steps you feel are needed to do it in a comfortable situation, but he deserves to know. This kind of thing can serve to help or hinder your relationship; it's up to you to decide what to do with it.

And for heaven's sake tell him the WHOLE truth - what brought you together and what kept you together, and what eventually led you apart. Tell him what he doesn't want to know. He might reconsider counseling after all this - I hope - but he deserves to have everything. If he's truly depressed counseling and treatment will help you both.

People get involved with emotional affairs because of issues in their marriage - holes not being filled or whatever metaphor you like. Ending one affair doesn't plug the hole, and all too often, after a while, you might find yourself in another emotional affair almost without realizing it. He'll invariably notice these affairs but assume it's something else, or maybe he'll find out about it on his own. Will he feel better then?

I wish you both all the luck and happiness in the world.
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Old 07-09-2010, 10:15 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Emotional Affair

You did the right thing by cutting off communication with the other guy! I know it was hard, but good job for doing it. I agree with Robrobb about telling your husband. This might be the wake up call he needs to see that you aren't happy and he needs to work towards things with you. Even though your husband is struggling with depression, it is his depression and he needs to learn how to handle it even when things aren't so great between you. And if even after all of this he won't go to counseling, you should go just yourself to learn how to handle what you are feeling. Surround yourself with some great girlfriends who will support you and your marriage.
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Old 07-09-2010, 10:20 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Emotional Affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by lbell629 View Post
Surround yourself with some great girlfriends who will support you and your marriage.

I think this is part of my problem I don't have anyone I can talk to, where we live I am very isolated, I can go for weeks on end without talking to anyone at all other than my husband...when this started with the online friend i didn't even recognize what was happening, just that I felt better. It actually made it easier for me to deal with my husband and be more loving toward him emotionally and physicially...UNTIL I realized how wrong it actually was
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Old 07-09-2010, 10:38 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Emotional Affair

i just went through all my social networking sites (facebook, youtube etc.) and unsubscribed, defriended and blocked him. I'm serious about this never happening again.
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