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I don't like myself and I need help

50K views 263 replies 93 participants last post by  imamess222 
#1 ·
Hello everyone. I wish I wasn't here. I have a real dilemma on my hands and I'm afraid that I'll make a terrible mistake. I'm sleeping with a married woman. Not a good thing, I already know that. What makes it worse though is that the husband of the woman works for me. I'm his boss. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I've even scheduled him to work different shifts just so I could spend time with his wife. It makes me feel terrible to write this. It's the first time I put that into print, and it looks bad. But I love this woman. She's smart, sexy and we just click. I've never felt this way for any other woman before - even for my wife. We're legally separated so I am not cheating on my wife at the moment. I think she and I can have something really special. But I don't feel right with this situation right now. If there was a way to get this man to leave his wife, the problem would be solved and we'd all be happy. Unfortunately, I don't think that's going to happen. So what now? How can I get through this without hurting anyone? I'm even considering giving the guy a bigger bonus than he deserves because I feel bad about what's going on. But the guy is not that good of a worker. He's a nice guy, but he's not that smart and tends to slow everyone down. I'm trying to find a good solution that will be beneficial to everyone. I'm looking for ideas, support, a sanity check, all of the above. I don't know what I'm looking for. I'm confused, angry, sad and I feel guilt. I need to figure out what to do.
 
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#86 ·
I think I find this amazing on most threads and its really discouraging to even respond most of the time.

Here you have a large group of people telling you to do the right thing. They are giving you perfectly logical reason why this is bad and it will not work Yet you like others have blindfolds on and don't even really want to try to be a decent person.

This is a great opportunity for you to change who you are. Change your life for the better and do it with more support than you probably ever had in your entire life. I would use this site for all its worth.

I never had this kind of support when my xW cheated on me. I imagine the impact it would have made on my decision making.

Do the right thing today. To waste another second is simply agreeing you are the bad person people are saying you are.

In the end you have to live with the things you have done. Maybe you can tell yourself all these things and just pass them off with out a care but I don't think I could do that. I have done wrong in my life and I do my best to own up to my mistakes and give the respect to the people I have wronged.

Be a man stop seeing her and tell the husband what you have done. Own your mistake.

Clay
 
#94 ·
First off, I told you way back when that this forum is full of Betrayed Spouses, many are men. So the "I could do without personal insults" isn't really in your control, and most are 100 percent on the dime to your benefit. Secondly, true character is demonstrated and shown by how you act when no one is watching, do you just fake being a man of integrity or do you actually live it. Additionally, you say that your ex military. I find your situational awareness lacking here. As Machiavellian said, you might be dealing with some very real and very violent consequences. That fat, zit faced, lazy Joe, could shoot 10 ring and blast you out of your socks. Trust me on this one. As the OM you do not want to be looking down the barrel of a gun= not fun times.

Lastly and most importantly.

Wise Up. You are being led by a manipulative emotional unstable woman, who is only looking for her next branch to grasp.

Move on. Let it go.
 
#95 ·
The OP is a Sociopath. He admitted it in so many ways.

There is no point in a relationship if it is not "beneficial". His shallow, selfish needs come first. He really doesn't care about anyone else. He comes first...Joe doesn't deserve Jane...Mrs. Iamamess is better than Jane but she's gotten tedious and he's been there done that.

He says he has feelings, uh yeah sure. Horny is a feeling. The rest are behavior and character issues. Immature, destructive, reckless, adulterer, abuse of a power position, meddling, lack of empathy and complete lack of loyalty or good sense... I could keep going but you are not capable of change.

You are going to have to relocate eventually because people will figure your game out. They always do and you'll need a new crowd/pool of targets for your shallow BS idea of life being like a cheesy soap opera.
 
#96 ·
I don't know about a sociopathic personality. I mean, a real sociopath wouldn't really care about anyone or anything. Just them. I don't think a legit sociopath would come to TAM and really care. He's just selfish. I don't see any real malice or violent impulses under the vail. I don't see an underlying rage- a key component for sociopaths. I see an OM who, like most OM and OW, thinks he is above and beyond reproach and way better than the BS. Not sociopath, just puppy love OM/OW behavior.

He needs to get smarter and learn the "game" so to speak.

The WW knows the game, and is executing pretty well. She's probably a narcissist.
 
#100 · (Edited)
What I find funniest about this, is how he blames the poor sod who works for him.

The truth is.... that.... if he wasn't a good worker, you'd have not kept him on long enough to get to know his wife.

Now you want to rewrite history and make out he's a bum, and rescue his wife from a life of toil and gnashed teeth.

Is this what they call "Knight In Shining Armour" syndrome?

Something similar which guys have to guard against is wanting to take care of the 'bird with the broken wing'.

Either way, these heroics are a fantasy brought on by chemicals. There's really no need to rationalise destructive impulses, because your new step-children certainly won't see you as the hero. :D
 
#102 ·
Something similar which guys have to guard against is wanting to take care of the 'bird with the broken wing'.

Either way, these heroics are a fantasy brought on by chemicals. There's really no need to rationalise destructive impulses, because your new step-children certainly won't see you as the hero. :D
I had the broken wing syndrome with the first relationship..
 
#106 ·
"not ALL sociopaths are violent".

True. But most are, like the overwhelming majority.

I've read and studied on the "everyday sociopath" or the "sociopath next door" or the big time CEO or wall streets guys that are "cut throat" and "ends justify the means" type of guys.

Yeah... Nah, real sociopaths are straight up killers. Like literally, they will cut your throat, p!ss down your throat, have a smoke and a beer and then watch their favorite sitcom. All the while operating in a zen like state with a pulse that doesn't crack above 80.

They're the guys that are in organized crime. Real heavy hitters. Bad, bad men. Cool, calm, calculating men of incredible skill and intelligence, but also incredible rage and lust for blood and chaos.

And the thing is, they can be the most charming and charismatic people you'll ever meet. I see no charm nor charisma from OP at all.

He's just a guy that fell in love with a guy's wife, and he knows the guy and he's being played by the wife.

Dude, even admitted that he's not a player. He doesn't know how the game works. No infidelity in his previous marriage-that's what he say's he could be lying, but that would mean that he's what, had maybe I don't know the average number or less of female's- 7-9ish maybe a tad more.

He's new at the "other man" gig, and he's not really equipped for it- Hence the "Feelings" and the "I love her, I want to save her from this terrible life she's in" attitude. He's even saying how much better he is than the Hubby (using the 'I make more money', 'I'm nice to her', 'I listen to her,' 'I have ambition,' 'I'm not a jerk to her...' These are NICE guy traits lol, the polar opposite of a player and really opposite of a sociopath)

A sociopath wouldn't care about the hubby at all. He would have already removed that piece from the board so to speak. The hubby would be a non factor. The OP knows it's bad and he does have a bit of remorse for the hubby, sure he talks some sh!t about him and stuff, but he doesn't feel good about it. A sociopath is totally indifferent. They "just do things".

OP, I hope you sort this out and see this for what it is. A rebound relationship for you, with a married woman who's looking for a way out and the next branch to grasp.
 
#107 · (Edited)
Dude, even admitted that he's not a player. He doesn't know how the game works. No infidelity in his previous marriage-that's what he say's he could be lying, but that would mean that he's what, had maybe I don't know the average number or less of female's- 7-9ish maybe a tad more.
"Dude" already admitted to cheating on the road in his last job. I think you may have missed that.

Whether he feels remorse for the husband is debatable. A lot of people claim to have empathy that they lack because they know that's what "normal" people want to hear.

So he's nice to the married woman that he's party to an affair with. That doesn't make him a "NICE GUY". Have you heard the saying that, "A person who is nice to you but is not nice to the waiter is not a nice person." He might be a nice guy to Jane but he's a real @sshole to her husband. Or, "You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those that can do nothing for him."

Jane does a lot for him, she has sex with him, makes him feel attractive and virile as a man and strokes his ego by telling him how inferior he makes her husband look... and I bet they, laugh and they laugh and they laugh before he bends her over the table. All Joe can do is get in the way.

That is not the actions of a nice guy IMO. And that's all it is, my opinion.
 
#109 ·
OP is just in the fog, he's being played. WW is looking at the next best thing. That's all. He better wise up.

Cause if there's one thing I think is true about ALL cheaters in relation to exit affairs.

If they cheat with you, they will cheat on you.

And she wants the exit. She just wants OP to do all the dirty work against her hubby. She's the director, screen writer, producer and leading lady in this movie.

Just my 2 cents tho.
 
#111 ·
OP is just in the fog, he's being played. WW is looking at the next best thing. That's all. He better wise up.

Cause if there's one thing I think is true about ALL cheaters in relation to exit affairs.

If they cheat with you, they will cheat on you.

And she wants the exit. She just wants OP to do all the dirty work against her hubby. She's the director, screen writer, producer and leading lady in this movie.

Just my 2 cents tho.
Not always true.
 
#110 ·
Aside from an indiscretion or two
Uh huh. Indiscretion eh? Thought you said that the reason you two are getting a divorce is because how she changed after grieving the death of a loved one?

Looks like you were looking to F around before that.

Busted. So you can now dispense with the tripe about how you are such a good catch and decent man. You were F'ing around before your excuse of your wife's grieving period.

I hope you and Jane get together. You'll be saving two other people and can cheat on each other. It would just be a matter of time. People like you get bored with the same person for too long.

So why don't you rat Jane out to Joe and save his life?
 
#115 ·
So basically, OP is impressed with himself and so is his fvck-, errrrr soul-mate.

They're both so impressed with themselves as superior examples of the species that they decided it would enhance their already excellent lives if they carried on together.

Meanwhile cuckolded husband is a pimpled, game-addicted omega-male who doesn't measure up to Dudley Doo-rite in any capacity. Yet he does work overtime, thanks to Dudley Doo-rite's generosity. I mean, he's a living example of why Maureen Dowd spouts crap about men being obsolete. But not our Dudley Doo-rite. No, he's conflicted. And he's ripped, successful, intelligent and has the genes that any hypergamusly-inclined female would crave

And yet, cuckolded-nobody-husband works overtime and then goes home to play more computer games, but oh, his wife must be soooooooooooo caring, loving and compassionate. But no wait! We have the real story: she never wanted this marriage to begin with! It was all a mistake....STOP THE PRESSES, WHAT A REVELATION, NO WW HAS EVER SAID SUCH A THING BEFORE!!!!

Percentage chance that this woman's husband is actually not a bad guy but has received little to no emotional support from his wife, and that she's done nothing, absolutely nothing to help him to become a better man, so that playing computer games is one of his few escapes from the daily humiliation he feels from never having been respected or loved by his wife: 99.999999999999% out of 100%?

Is that about right?

Oh, but it's his fault, the cuckold.

Ride into the sunset Dudley Doo-rite. Take Nell with you.
 
#116 ·
Interesting comments from (mainly other betrayed husbands) on here.
All, basically advising iamamess to watch out because the angry 'Betrayed Husband' will come looking for him and beat him senseless, or even worse, end his very existence if he doesn't back.

Because, as we all know, reading the many, many threads here on TAM, that's what the betrayed hubby always does to the OM.


Isn't it? :rolleyes:
 
#119 ·
I never advise any BH to try to attack the OM physically. They just aren't worth it.

If I were Joe in this case if I found out, I'd report him to the company superiors and let them know he set me up for overtime so he could fornicate with my wife. Would also let the wife's superiors know. Nothing would probably come from the latter. But old imamess's bosses shouldn't be too thrilled at his abuse of authority and using his position to help him more easily bed down his wife. Imamess would and should be history from the company.

And if not and the higher ups do not fire his ass, I'd bring suit against the company, and it would be a strong case.
 
#121 ·
I was joking, I invented that % the real one for couples that begin as an affair is less than 5%, still pretty low, I agree with you is not worth it, but obviously people in the affair fog are not even thinking rationally to begin with.

So numbers, logic, statistics, family, consequences, everything seems irrelevant to them.
 
#124 ·
Hello imamess,

I'm not here to criticize you, but I will try my best to offer so reasonable advice.

I know this is an emotional situation for you, but try for one moment to forget about your emotional feelings for this woman and think about this objectively and rationally. Consider that:

Anyone who will cheat with you, will cheat ON YOU.

This is a woman who lacks honor and integrity. She has cheated on her husband and broken her marriage vows. She is not a moral person or a person of character. Is this really the type of woman that you want to be with?

The only reason you are making excuses for her poor moral choices, is because of your emotional connection with her. Take that away, and how does she look from the outside? Pretty darn bad. It obliterates any positive qualities that she might have as a potential partner.

Even if she were willing to divorce her husband for you, and you two got together, you could never trust her. She would probably go out and find her next piece of a** on the side the minute things with you got routine.

In reality, she is such a coward that she isn't even willing to divorce her husband for you. The relationship has no future.

Also, don't even think about trying to reconcile with your (ex?) wife unless you go NC with the woman that you are having an affair with. Your affair partner must be out of your life if you choose to reconcile. And you must tell you wife about your relationship with the married woman while you two were apart.

I'm sure that you know that you are morally culpable in this situation too, which is why you state that you hate yourself. But you can make things right. Choose to stop seeing your affair partner and out your affair her to her husband. He has a right to know.

Best wishes.
 
#125 ·
Just an update on my situation. You guys were right. Getting involved with Jane was a mistake. I spent the weekend talking to my wife, and I think we're going to give it another shot. I'm willing to give her another chance. My wife has been returning to her old self, and we had a great weekend together. It was like our honeymoon all over again. I still like Jane - a lot - but she's not the same person as my wife. My wife has more class than Jane. I used to think Jane was better in the sack than my wife, but not after this weekend. I guess I was in that fog as others have said in this thread.

I need to figure out a way to get Jane out of my life now. This is going to get complicated, but I think it will work out for the best. Besides, her and Joe are supposed to be working on their marriage now anyways. I'm looking for a change of scenery and that prospect that I wrote about earlier looks really promising.

As crazy as it sounds, I think I've played a positive role in helping those 2 work on their marriage. It may fail in the end for those two, but I think I had a positive influence in the matter over all. I think it will could be ironic that Jane had her affair with me. She was looking to have an affair on Joe no matter what, and if I wasn't the one she had it with, she would have probably ended up with someone else who would have ultimately ruined her marriage. I think I'm going to help her save the marriage now. I know this won't sound right to you guys, but I think I just helped Joe save his marriage. I almost wish that I could be acknowledged for helping Joe out with getting his life straightened out, but obviously that's not possible.
 
#128 · (Edited)
Just an update on my situation. You guys were right. Getting involved with Jane was a mistake. I spent the weekend talking to my wife, and I think we're going to give it another shot. I'm willing to give her another chance.
Just what does she think she's getting another shot at, and just what did you talk about this weekend?

Obviously, you weren't honest with her, otherwise it would have been her giving you another shot, not you giving her one.

In other words.....you didn't tell her the whole truth, did you?

Right?

Quite cowardly if you ask me, letting her think she's the problem while you're out there fvcking up another man's marriage for your own little jollies.

Grow the fvck up and be completely honest for once.

Honest with ALL parties involved that is.

"Give her another chance......."

Just wow!
 
#126 ·
A couple of things bother me about this messed up man. I always thought that the U.S. Military was all about honour, dignity and loyalty. I'm not American but we got all that "Army Strong" and all that stuff . I don't think Mr. Messed up is the kind of product the Army would be proud of. Secondly, and I don't think you missed this point, that being neither one of them has any integrity or honour, and that a man who would use his position of authority to eliminate the husband and increase his opportunity to Bang the mans wife, doesn't have any more morality or courage than the serviceable wife does. I would like to know how a man like you, Mr. Messed could call a man who seems to be decent, moral, and even seems to love his wife as more than a piece of axx could call himself a superior man, when your real place is lower than a snakes belly.
 
#127 ·
Well, the current idea of military honor is not "Bros before Hoes." It's more like "I will hold this position and die in place if ordered to do so." And to actually follow through on you promise.

Plus, an internal sense of honor is associated historically with the officer corps / knightly class, that is to say "gentlemen" by birth or act of Congress. And that class used to settle these issues on the "Field of Honor." That means fighting duels, which were outlawed about 150 years ago. So, "honor", even military honor, is kind of a fluid concept.



Chivalry is dead. Trust in your own arms.
 
#141 ·
I appreciate the honest feedback. But telling everyone what Jane and I did will not be helpful. You can argue that it would be selfish of one or both of us if we would tell everyone what we did in order to soothe a guilty conscience. The best thing I can do to atone for my "sins" is to live the best life I can and to stay out of Joe's and Jane's way - to the best of my (and Jane's) abilities.
 
#142 ·
OP: the one thing that's very obvious about you is that you have a highly inflated opinion of yourself, and you could do well eat some humility pie.

You didn't "help" Joe and Jane and you aren't doing your wife any favors. Until you realize that you're not God's gift to women because of your military service, hiking, athleticism, sexual prowess, money and success and god-knows-what-else, you'll end up doing the same thing over again most likely.

And now you just want to see it all swept under the rug because why? It would be inconvenient if it came out....mainly for you.

You have an ego the size of a hot air balloon my friend.
 
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