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I don't like myself and I need help

50K views 263 replies 93 participants last post by  imamess222 
#1 ·
Hello everyone. I wish I wasn't here. I have a real dilemma on my hands and I'm afraid that I'll make a terrible mistake. I'm sleeping with a married woman. Not a good thing, I already know that. What makes it worse though is that the husband of the woman works for me. I'm his boss. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I've even scheduled him to work different shifts just so I could spend time with his wife. It makes me feel terrible to write this. It's the first time I put that into print, and it looks bad. But I love this woman. She's smart, sexy and we just click. I've never felt this way for any other woman before - even for my wife. We're legally separated so I am not cheating on my wife at the moment. I think she and I can have something really special. But I don't feel right with this situation right now. If there was a way to get this man to leave his wife, the problem would be solved and we'd all be happy. Unfortunately, I don't think that's going to happen. So what now? How can I get through this without hurting anyone? I'm even considering giving the guy a bigger bonus than he deserves because I feel bad about what's going on. But the guy is not that good of a worker. He's a nice guy, but he's not that smart and tends to slow everyone down. I'm trying to find a good solution that will be beneficial to everyone. I'm looking for ideas, support, a sanity check, all of the above. I don't know what I'm looking for. I'm confused, angry, sad and I feel guilt. I need to figure out what to do.
 
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#4 ·
You don't like yourself because you realize you are engaged in some really low-down, treacherous behavior. Knocking boots with a married woman is low enough. You're boinking your employee's wife! You really can't expect loyalty from your people if you don't have any. If he embezzled a huge sum of money from your company, you really can't complain. You're ashamed to admit it? I reckon so. How could you not be ashamed?
Even if your wicked little fantasy panned out and he left her, what would you have? A woman who cheats on her husband. What would she have? A dishonorable man she couldn't trust or respect.
If you're doing something you're ashamed of, that's a pretty strong clue that you should be doing something else. Is this path going to make you a man you would be proud of?
 
#5 ·
If you don't like yourself it's because what you are doing is extremely unlikable. You know it is.

What you have with your MW is a fantasy for the both of you. You are both enjoying the romance without any of the realities of being in a marriage or committed relationship. There is no day-to-day, boring, mundane, or stressful obligatory stuff that every couple has to go through when sharing a life together. No, she leaves that for her husband and since you're separated, you don't have to deal with that at all.

You have no experience managing two lives that are interdependent with this woman, all you have is the sex and affection. The husband gets to be the adult in all of this - working for you, trying to provide for his wife, while you reap the benefits of the sex. It reminds me a lot of high school relationships between sexually active teenagers.

Mommy and daddy (usually regarded by their selfish teenagers as lame) pay the bills, buy the groceries, and put the roof over the kids' heads and the kids fool around with each other, behind their parent's backs when they're not looking. It isn't a "real" relationship. Further, whatever it is, is built in deceit. That's like a dozen roses growing in sh!t, houses built on sand or insert metaphor here... yeah, good luck with that.

Do you really think that if she leaves her husband, your employee to start a life with you that she will be faithful? The old cliche "If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you, is true." I know you probably think that your situation is special. All cheaters seem to. It's always justifiable in their circumstances, it's them that will beat the odds and yet - the success rate statistics for relationships that are bred from affairs stay the very same low that they are. Most cheating spouses also try to go back to their betrayed. I know mine has and I'm not alone here.

If you want to feel good about yourself, you probably know what the right thing to do is. Everyone knows that cheating is bad. This isn't like the episode of Seinfeld where George Costanza asks if banging the office cleaner on his desk is "frowned upon", this is real life. This is someone's marriage - someone that trusts you, works for you and has benefited your business. I hope to God he doesn't also have kids. If he does, you're ruining their lives as well.
 
#6 ·
My uncle tends to tell me from time to time that how the relationship begun is how it would end. If she's cheating on her husband to be with you, what would keep her from finding some new guy once she's settle with you and want something new?

I'd end it and tell the husband if I were you, but personally, I don't mess with taken chicks, too messy and I believe Karma is a *****.
 
#8 · (Edited)
You don't have to browse very long on business lawyer websites to find six digit lawsuits for altering subordinate work conditions i.e. changing his shifts. It goes beyond sexual harassment legally. I'm not a lawyer, but have seen successful lawsuits for similar situations where I have worked in the past.

Stop now. If she divorces her husband, then it may be awkward, but more appropriate, if at all to resume a relationship if it is meant to be.

This, in addition to every reply above.
 
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#10 ·
is this real? looks almost like a troll post.

if it is real, you know exactly what to do. stop sleeping with your employees spouse and come clean.

pretty simple if you ask me.

something tells me that this story is not true...
at least, i hope it isnt. i would hate to think anyone can be so dumb so as to not know what they should do in such a situation.
 
#11 ·
Part of me thought troll as well..

But I will reserve any lengthy comments beyond the following

Everyone that posted made sense and covered many of the bases.

There are 4 billion women in the world and you mean to tell me out of those 4 billion THIS WOMAN is the ONE..
The ONE AND ONLY ?

Come on, grow the fvck up..

What are you 12 years old ?

Give him the fat bonus, tell him your fvcking his wife, let him sue you and the company and then get fired. Then try to explain any of this to the next business you try to go work for..

He should know what a piece of sh1t this woman your fvcking is and though he doesn't see it right now.. He will eventually..

The both of you deserve each other.. Enjoy the rest of your miserable life living this lie..

I would love to be a fly on the wall when you tell people how you met.. Which of course will be yet another lie in this weave of lies that will be yours and hers to live..

Good fvcking luck..
 
#12 ·
I hope her husband finds out.

I hope he kicks his sorry cheating wife's butt into the gutter.

I hope he informs your company of what you did to him.

I hope you get fired, your soon-to-be-ex-wife takes you to the cleaners, and you lose everything.

I hope he sues the company and gets a big fat settlement.

I hope he divorces that scum he's married to, hooks up with your soon-to-be-ex-wife, and takes her on a wild sex vacation to the Bahamas wit the money he gets from the lawsuit.

There. Does that help you any?
 
#13 ·
I'm trying to put a hold on my emotions of anger.....
So tell me, what does his WW think about this? Is she also in love with you or are you just a fxck? Anyway you need to tell her that your feelings are strong and that you want more from her... this way you will understand if other then being a POS you can live a normal life with her and also letting free a BS that can cause you serius problems
 
#14 ·
I expected some harsh reactions. Believe me, I've called myself worse. Regarding the shift changes, it wasn't like I threw his schedule out of whack and made his life difficult. What I presented to him was the opportunity to get some overtime and he accepted. I'm going to start calling her 'Jane' to make it simpler when I respond. It's not her real name. I'll use the name 'Joe' for her husband and again it's not his real name. On 2 occasions, I told Jane that I could get Joe some overtime for an evening. I presented the opportunities a couple of days in advance, he talked it over with Jane, and she encouraged him to take the additional work. I know this looks bad, but some good did come out of this. They need the money. I don't like talking bad about other people, but Joe is terrible with money. He's also lazy and doesn't apply himself like he should. He could be making more money and taking care of his family plus budgeting their money a lot better. Instead he spends their money on things for his "hobby".

A few of you mentioned that there are 4 billion other women out there, so why Jane? Because I love her and she loves me. We've talked about being together and getting married. I'm going to get divorced soon, and I swore to myself that I would not get married ever again. Jane changed that for me. She's not happy with her marriage. I think it's immoral to speak badly about Joe because I don't like to gossip, but I cannot tell you about my situation without explaining what's going on. Joe and Jane got married because she became pregnant. It was a shotgun wedding and she had lukewarm feelings for Joe at best. They lost the baby, so there are no kids involved. She works at the same place as we do but not in our department. She works in the admin building. Joe says he worships the ground Jane walks on and will do anything for her. But how can that be true if he's always on his computer and playing games? Jane told me that Joe would come home from work, go straight to the basement and play computer games with his friends for hours and hours. A good woman as smart and attractive as Jane deserves better than that.
 
#24 ·
Yea, my wife basically said the same about me. That I came home and got on the computer (among a host of other complaints she told the XOM). The fact in my case was my wife was on her computer and I would sit down beside her and get on mine and we would chat. Mean while she was cheating on me on her computer with me next to her.

So the dude plays some games and she cheats. Now that is very mature.

Let's turn this around.

Joe is screwing your wife. He is complaining to (let's call her Wanda) Wanda, saying, you would not believe it. My wife plays checkers with her GFs all the time. Wanda, "Oh Joe that is horrible, let's have sex". Joe, "OK, man that makes me feel so much better. I am now over my wife playing checkers".

You know OP. I have recording of my wife and the XOM talking for a long time. I heard all my wife's complaints. I have recordings of my wife and her toxic sister.

Here is part of what my wife said:

To XOM "Mac, does not spend time with our oldest son". Truth - my son is special needs and I am home every night and we do things together.

To XOM "You should have seen Mac and his family when his father died. Mac and his family just stood there as his father died. I was the only one who went to his bedside and rubbed his shoulder and told he I love you and go be with Jesus". Truth- My mother, sister, 3 brothers and I were all around our father, my mother was rubbing his shoulder crying, my sister was holding his hand and my brothers and I were touching my father as he took his last breath. My wife was beside me.

I could go on and on. My wife told the XOM so many lies and it made no sense what so ever. She could have told the truth about my father's death and it would not have changed a thing, the XOM still got sex three times that day.

Honestly, this is one of the lamest excuses I have ever heard. Dude playing video games with his friends and you are screwing his wife.

If you really love this woman you would encourage her to work on her marriage instead of taking advantage of the situation. If this woman cheats on her husband because he is hanging out with friends in his house and you are in love with this POS then you my friend need a psychological eval. Not only that you seem to be very immature not only in your verbage but in how you evaluate the situation between Joe and Jane.

And if you think that things are going to work out between you and Jane in the future then look at the stats.

Dr. Phil says the following:

Look at the statistics.
The chance of a successful relationship born of infidelity is not even one in 100. A marriage that starts in infidelity has no foundation. You go into it with guilt, shame, angst, worry, and all the baggage that comes with that. Add to that managing your ex and going through possible custody battles for children. Is it worth it?



Marriage success rates that arise from an affair are dismal. I am trying to think of one that I know and I can't think of anyone I have known who has stayed married to their affair partner.
 
#15 · (Edited)
You know what dude you really should give yourself the "bonus" of Jane. She sounds like something quite special and you should know, you've already slept with her. You know how much this woman you just "click" with values marriage.

Just don't work too much when you're married to her. Or let her run into anything with a penis.....

Mazel! Enjoy what destiny planned.

BTW, she's not a "good woman" she's a dumb cheating slvt...she didn't need to stay married if she was too dumb to use birth control and the universe helped her out bonus no kids...but, she stayed in said "shotgun" marriage. So go on White Night sweep this gutter tramp off her feet before someone "better" gets her. Go on now. You don't need our blessings.
 
#16 ·
Can't resist.

Okay, here's some pro tips from a guy who's done this sort of thing once or twice.

One- never, never bang the married woman of someone you know much less work with, much less are the "boss" of. lulz, this is just asking for trouble and un-needed drama.

Two- Never be in love with someone like this, this is just sex and stuff. You're setting yourself up here for an epic fail.

three- Once Joe finds out, he will more than likely blow your life up. So you know, just FYI on that one.

-never tell them you love them and mean it, sure you can throw them a bone here and there just to keep em' wet and coming back. But, my God good sir, you really love this Woman?? Stupid.

This is a rebound for you. Setting yourself up. But good luck I guess. I think you're in deep and you keep digging.

But to each their own. Lots of Betrayed men on this board (including myself) so you're not gonna get any support here really. I can kinda see your point of view, but I think you're kinda dumb for not seeing what this is.

It's just sport fvcking bro. Nothing more.
 
#17 ·
How could you love a person who would let her husband work and suport her as she screws his boss.

do you think a person with such poor moral charachter would be a good partner.

If she was worth having she would have said I'm unhappy in my marriage let me divorce him then we can start a relationship. Instead she playing both sides aginst the middle.

YUCK whats there to love about a person who could do that?

I think your crazy if you stay with this woman. Even if she does get divorced.

your thinking with the wrong head!


on the other hand you my friend are just as poor conserning moral charachter. so maybe you deserve eachother. and the karma bus will eventually run you both over.
 
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#18 ·
.... it looks bad. But I love this woman. ....If there was a way to get this man to leave his wife, the problem would be solved and we'd all be happy.....I'm looking for support, .....
How would the problem be solved? You think Joe would be cool with you doing his ex-wife? You don't think he would get suspicious that MAYBE you guys were bangen before they divorced?

You really think you`ll get support for this type of relationship?

.... A good woman as smart and attractive as Jane deserves better than that.
Then she can leave her husband. She's obviously not THAT good of a woman...she's currently bangen her husbands boss...real classy broad.

If she was smart like you suggest, wouldn't she'd leave her husband? I mean, you make him out to be such a low-life...how convenient that he's such a lazy dude...not influenced at all by the fact that you're trying to steal away his wife from him.

You can't paint Joe as the bad guy in this scenario.
 
#20 ·
Oh, my, we've really got a foggy one here!

OP, please consider that a woman who is willing to lie to the one person in the world she owes her loyalty and fidelity to, might also lie to you. It's entirely possible that there are problems in her marriage. It's also entirely possible that she's making Joe out to be a dirtbag she never loved because it's a pickup strategy that works with a certain type of man. A man like you. She's got you feeling sorry for her situation and wanting to save her from her terrible marriage. This is 100% in line with what every other cheating spouse in the history of the world has said about their betrayed spouse. The situation's not unique, she's not a special snowflake. Hell, she's not even coming up with original lines to feed you.

Have you considered that her marriage might be better if she was spending more time, energy, emotion and devotion on her husband, rather than on that dude she's shagging from work? A person who's in an affair is - by definition - not being a good spouse. So, Joe might not be holding up his end of the marriage. Jane definitely isn't.

One other thing. In your OP, you said everything would be great if only Joe would leave his wife. Newsflash: If she wanted to be with you rather than him, she would leave her husband.
 
#22 ·
First, I'm not a player. I don't go out trying to bang chicks just for sex. I want a good relationship with a woman or at least know the prospects are there before I decide to have sex with a woman.

I'm not looking for support for what I'm doing. I am interested in the feedback because I want to take a sanity check to see if I should let the love of my life go and move on with my life. I struggle with this because I know that I am not a saint in this. However, Jane is so special and she is struggling too because she doesn't believe in divorce.

If I can get Joe into another department, then I think things would be easier and I wouldn't have a conflict of interest on my hands. I'm a good boss. I don't belittle or ridicule the guy on the job. I'm not a bully, and my department is very effective.
 
#28 ·
Like I said before, you come across as very immature. You state you want a good relationship with a woman or at least know the prospects before I decide to have sex. Really?? So in Jane's and Joe's case, having sex with Joe's wife is having a good relationship? Screwing your employee's wife is knowing the prospects?

And the love of your life: Oh boy, again so freaken immature. You are not is love. Well, you are are, in love like a teenager who is gaga over a piece of meat.

And "Jane is so special and she does not believe in divorce". Man, isn't she a good moral person. Doesn't believe in divorce. Did you really say that she does not believe in divorce. But I bet she likes unicorns, pink ponies, walks in the rain, and believes in big foot.

She is special. Jane is really special. "Hey there is a special on Jane today, she is giving away free sex". Hey, Jane is special, she specially cheats on her husband and is specially good at lying". "Hey isn't Jane special, she is having sex with her husband's boss". On that is just so special.
 
#23 ·
Yeah, it's obvious your not a player and don't have game. If you were, you'd see this for what it is and just enjoy the ride.

Jane or whatevs is just using you for sex and maybe a possible fall back. Sure, you're a plan of sorts for her, and she might think she loves you. But this is a woman who has lost a child and as been neglected by her husband. Methinks, probably not the most mentally sound female on the market.

One things for sure tho. She's got you. Hook. Line. And Sinker.

I think you should break it off, but then again, I think your in too deep for any "clean" break. So, just take it like a man when the hits start coming.
 
#30 ·
Curious, what line of work are you in? When do you and Jane manage to get together? Are you sure Joe doesn't suspect anything? Because you are in a position to get really burned here; fraternizing with a married, subordinate makes a great lawsuit.

Jane is rewriting her marital history to justify her cheating. All cheaters do this. Joe is probably unaware anything is wrong. Wake-up-- smell the coffee.
 
#31 ·
You don't want to gossip but still tell us how bad he is with money and how bad his work is..

Your a piece of work my friend..

Stop puzzy footing around this and just tell him.. Grow a pair and fight for the woman you love, the love of your life..

I know what I'm doing is sooo wrong but it feels so good.. It can't be wrong if it feels so good..

Grow a pair.. Man up... You are already that piece of garbage you thought you would never be.. Just finish the fvcking job..

Trust me You and him don't see it yet.. But you are doing this guy a HUGE FAVOR... Please take his wife away..

Trust me 19 years here.. 2 boys.. I couldn't see it either 12 months ago.. I was so blinded I wanted to fvcking die..

But today.. OMG, I'm off my computer.. Best shape of my life.. Have a woman 9 years younger than my Ex.. Makes 3x the amount of money.. Very Hot and Very attractive..

Me and the kids that mind you live with me just about full time.. I am closer with my boys then I have EVER BEEN..

Do you know today I am looking at a 1 million dollar 2 family home to buy.. This is something I could NEVER do with my Ex...

So please take your wh0re and ride off into the sunset.. Until she gets tired of you and finds someone else.. You will always be looking behind you wondering.. You will have her under your thumb and the minute she tells you to work more OT.. Your will freak out and be suspicious..

Heck get a tattoo with her name...

Have kids.. Have dozens of kids..

I'm am done with this thread..

I hope you live a long and healthy life..
 
#51 ·
Trust me 19 years here.. 2 boys.. I couldn't see it either 12 months ago.. I was so blinded I wanted to fvcking die..

But today.. OMG, I'm off my computer.. Best shape of my life.. Have a woman 9 years younger than my Ex.. Makes 3x the amount of money.. Very Hot and Very attractive..

Me and the kids that mind you live with me just about full time.. I am closer with my boys then I have EVER BEEN..

Do you know today I am looking at a 1 million dollar 2 family home to buy.. This is something I could NEVER do with my Ex...

God I hope my situation turns out like yours.....
 
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