I cheated on my husband - with EX. Need advice!
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 07-14-2010, 01:28 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I cheated on my husband - with EX. Need advice!

I need help coping with the tremendous amount of guilt I'm feeling. I have cheated on my husband of 12 years with my ex boyfriend (high school sweetheart). We reconnected on Facebook, and have been chatting for a few months...I feel HORRIBLE! I mean, it wasn't just a casual one night stand...there are emotions involved. It's happened twice now. I don't think I can tell my husband....it would hurt him terribly...and I love him so much. We have 2 kids ( 8 and 11) and if he found out, I'm sure he'd leave me. What do I do? I am trying to convince myself it won't happen again...any advice, please?
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Old 07-14-2010, 01:35 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cheated on my husband - with EX. Need advice!

Yeah, stop acting like you are powerless to stop yourself from cheating.

If your husband will leave you over this, that is his choice--that you are preventing by living this lie.

You should stop cheating and tell your husband what you have been doing. He deserves to know the truth of his life with you as much as you do.

Seek professional help and get off Facebook.
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Old 07-14-2010, 01:36 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cheated on my husband - with EX. Need advice!

Be honest and tell him, otherwise you are "controlling" him by hiding the truth. And marriage isn't built on lies. And yes he might leave you and that is his right to choose. But I imagine if he finds out on his own -- after your behavior changes -- which it most likely already has -- it is more likely for him to leave than if you have the courage to tell him the truth yourself.
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Old 07-14-2010, 01:43 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cheated on my husband - with EX. Need advice!

I forgot to tell you to get tested for STDs. Even if you think there are emotions involved, viruses and bacteria don't care about that.

Please do not let your husband find out about your infidelity by contracting an STD.
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Old 07-14-2010, 01:48 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cheated on my husband - with EX. Need advice!

Some people will say tell him, some will say not. All I can say is I wish I didn't know. That being said, I wish I had found out from my H and not the OW. It might have been a tiny bit better.

No more facebook!!! No more ex!! No more contact with this man at all. You say you love your husband. Then prove it. People make mistakes. Prove that you have learned from yours. Take all that guilt that you feel and turn it into good things. Take time for your husband, do all the things he likes, take care of him. Let him know how much you love him. Watch Fireproof. I don't know if you should tell him or not. If you do, be prepared. He might leave you. If you don't, you will feel guilty. You should feel guilty too. My H said he never would of told me even though it ate him up. He said, "Why would I want to hurt you like that". These things have a way of coming out though. I read somewhere that affairs are very common, what isn't common is the discovery of the affair. I really wish I didn't know.

An ex is an ex for a reason. You are putting on him on a pedestal. Is he even single or is he married too? I'm seeing a lot of this on these boards.

Go to counseling and get off facebook!!
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Old 07-14-2010, 02:05 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cheated on my husband - with EX. Need advice!

Thank you for not being judgemental. No, the ex isn't married... I wouldn't have done it if he were. I just torn between telling him or not. I don't want to hurt him...or lose him. I made a HUGE mistake, and just want to learn from this and move on. Perhaps it will make our marriage stronger in the long run? I don't know.....
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Old 07-14-2010, 02:11 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cheated on my husband - with EX. Need advice!

Uh, you wouldn't have cheated if HE was married?? Sorry, just sounds a bit weird to me. I had to find out from someone other than my H, and that is 100x worse than hearing it from your spouse. You need to tell him, you need to get you both into counseling and you surely need to get tested for any STD's. This will also mean that your H may leave, but would you want him to keep you in a marriage where he lied to you about sleeping with other people??? Probably not.
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Old 07-14-2010, 02:12 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cheated on my husband - with EX. Need advice!

The marriage can't get stronger without truth and honesty.
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Old 07-14-2010, 02:20 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cheated on my husband - with EX. Need advice!

Quote:
Originally Posted by littledreamer View Post
Thank you for not being judgemental. No, the ex isn't married... I wouldn't have done it if he were. I just torn between telling him or not. I don't want to hurt him...or lose him. I made a HUGE mistake, and just want to learn from this and move on. Perhaps it will make our marriage stronger in the long run? I don't know.....
As your marriage stands now this affair will not result in a stronger marriage in the long run.

Why? Because only you know the true state of your marriage. Your husband does not.

Your only concern seems to be the impact on you if your infidelity is discovered or you reveal it.

The only way your marriage can survive is with the truth known by the both of you.

Anything less than that? You will repeat your decision to cheat and lie.

Why do I say that? Because you want to do want you did again--still.
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Old 07-14-2010, 02:41 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cheated on my husband - with EX. Need advice!

First of all, we used condoms...so STD's aren't a factor. Secondly, I care about what happens to my husband and kids if I tell him. Not ME. Perhaps I should have been more clear with my original post, my apologies. I have been with my husband for 15 years. NEVER cheated on him, nor had any desire to. Until I reconnected with my ex. He and I have a history: my first love, lost my virginity to him, etc. I am not some floosy that picked up a man in a bar! I am hoping to get some non-judgemental advice on this. Do I tell my husband or not? Some say no...others say yes. I would like to hear from both sides. Thank you.
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Old 07-14-2010, 02:43 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cheated on my husband - with EX. Need advice!

Yes you tell your husband. Honesty is most important in a marriage.
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Old 07-14-2010, 02:46 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cheated on my husband - with EX. Need advice!

Yes, tell your husband, truth is paramount in a marriage. If you lie then that makes your entire marriage a lie. Your husband deserves the truth from you.

You made the mistake, not him. Do not compound your mistake by lying about it. Because honestly little, if it happened once it could happen more times if not delt with. I know you say you'd never do it again, but be honest with yourself. You were weak once, what's to stop you from being weak again? That thought process is exactly how people end up addicted to things (food, drugs, alcohol, sex, etc). You were not strong enough to stop it the first time, you probably will not be strong enough to stop it the next time it happens.

The only way this will end up positive is if you tell your husband, and go into counseling together.
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Old 07-14-2010, 02:48 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cheated on my husband - with EX. Need advice!

If you really care about your husband then tell him the truth. The rest of your argument is just rationalization to protect yourself from the short term pain that will inevitably be involved and to manipulate your husband subconsciously which is a form of control.

And goodness calm down, the comment about STDs was a valid one based on the limited facts at hand when the person stated it and did not imply that you were a floosy.
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Old 07-14-2010, 02:58 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cheated on my husband - with EX. Need advice!

You absolutely MUST tell your husband. Break ALL contact with the other man IN WRITING that you can share with your husband. Get armed with information about saving a marriage after an affair. Come clean. Tell him it was the worst mistake you ever made. You are telling him now so if he can move past it, you want to work on re-earning his trust...

Good luck.

S
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Old 07-14-2010, 03:02 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cheated on my husband - with EX. Need advice!

Quote:
Originally Posted by littledreamer View Post
First of all, we used condoms...so STD's aren't a factor. Secondly, I care about what happens to my husband and kids if I tell him. Not ME. Perhaps I should have been more clear with my original post, my apologies. I have been with my husband for 15 years. NEVER cheated on him, nor had any desire to. Until I reconnected with my ex. He and I have a history: my first love, lost my virginity to him, etc. I am not some floosy that picked up a man in a bar!
I am not trying to say this to be judgmental. I am saying this so you really DO learn from this. Precisely WHAT it is you need to learn. You had warning signs of what was happening before it happened. You went back for seconds. Two lessons I think you need to learn is lead yourself not into temptation. AND if you go into conversations attempting to excuse yourself in any way, as with I am not a floozy and we had a connection, I do not expect it to go over well.


Good luck! Many people would just get scared and squelch it. You are trying to do the right thing.
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