He says it wasn't an affair....
Hello, I am new to this site and wanted to get some input from others. Just a brief intro, we've been married 13 years and have 2 boys. ages 11 and 10. I have a 20 year old son from my first marriage. Hubby was also married before but has no children from prior marriage. He just turned 45 and I am 44. A few months ago, my husband went to a strip club a few times. The last time he went, he traded phone numbers with a 22 year old stripper. Over the course of about 5 to 6 weeks, he proceeded to call this woman (who by the way was FIVE when we met) and text her multiple times a day, with her returning or answering very few calls and texts. On 3 different occasions, he met her at a hardware store parking lot (well, once was at a Barnes & Noble parking lot) and sat with her, drinking vodka or beer and "talking". She dropped out of high school to become a stripper, she was abused as a child, he told her about our kids, if they got into trouble at school. She was "just a friend". He said occasionally she would get upset talking of her past and she would cry and he would wipe her tears from her face. He said they hugged and he kissed her neck. Aside from these things, "nothing happened". I "busted him" when he came home one night, completely drunk and talking on the phone in his van. I could tell it wasn't about work after a minute because he was animated, laughing. I thought he might be talking to his mom, so I went outside to say "tell her I said hi", and he suddenly says "ok, well I gotta go...talk to ya later, bye", hangs up, looks guilty. Long story short, I grabbed his phone and dialed the number back, and get a voice mail that "Holly" cannot take my call. I call the same number from MY cell phone and "Holly" answers, says my husband is supposed to do work for him "this Thursday". Realizing this is complete bunk, I hang up, confront husband. Husband says "you don't need to KNOW who she is...she's a friend, a good friend, she is MY friend..leave her alone". Over the course of the night, I pretty much think the worst because I don't know the facts yet. I decide to go to work (without any sleep), and tell my boss I need to leave to find a divorce attorney. Husband ends up coming home, telling me how sorry he is, telling me the truth about "everything" (of course, how am I supposed to really believe his "truth"). I ask lots of questions, some of them very hard for him to answer, but he answered them, I *think* honestly. I never contacted an attorney; I don't think in my heart I ever intended to. Our 10 year old son is autistic; it would shatter his world in so many ways for us to split. Also, I LOVE this man. He says he loves me. But, while I feel like since he lied, over and over, and met this woman, shared intimate details of our lives with her, hugged her and KISSED HER NECK, that this was an AFFAIR. Maybe not a sexual affair, but given her line of work, I'd say it's pretty flipping close. He says it was a "friendship" and at the most, a "relationship". We are active in our church and we both have spoken to our preacher. For awhile, husband seemed to agree with me that this is a stripper, a "skank ho" (the name I gave her for a long time), but then again, from time to time, he will retract that and say again that it was just a friendship and she isn't the stripping wh*re) I say she is. One week after I busted him on the phone with her, she moved to another state (or this is what I have been told). I don't know if I believe this or not, but extensive looks at cell phone records to date show no more contact with her...at least not from his phone.
It's been almost 2 months since I caught him. We slowly have done some healing, but I am still haunted by the thought of him in a strip bar, looking at another woman's breasts who is half my age, getting close enough to her private area to know that she shaves "most if not all". While he says he wants our marriage to work, he really doesn't seem that remorseful, even telling me just yesterday that he is "tired of being accused". My feelings are that he should have thought about that before he traded phone numbers with another woman, a GIRL practically....literally young enough to be his daughter. I do not look close to my age, but husband does. Several times, I've been mistaken for his daughter. People think my 20 year old son and I are brother/sister sometimes. It is hard for me to understand why he needed to go to someone else. It is REALLY hard for me to accept that he won't call this an affair, an infidelity. I realize he didn't have sex with her (and OMG I can't imagine if he had...I may have killed him). But, to ME, I still feel horribly wronged.
OK, so am I just being overly whiny? I know others here have been through SO much worse from reading through the forums....I can't imagine how you worked it out. Our poor children have seen fights they shouldn't have seen. I've been enraged a couple of times to the point of not being able to control myself. That is somewhat better now. For the first two days after I found out, I literally was on the floor, shaking, crying, sobbing, scratched my arms and face up with my fingernails (don't remember doing it). I have buried both of my parents and didn't know I could hurt like this. Didn't know I could BE hurt like this. Husband knows me pretty well and knows I "dwell" very much on things, so none of my actions should really come as much surprise to him.
I think I've written enough for now. I just spoke to hubby on the phone and asked him to remember to pray for us (all of us...entire family) today, he said he would. If anyone has any information, advice, slap in the head...please say something...
Thanks in advance,
Last edited by Scarlett O'hara; 07-15-2010 at 11:43 AM.
Reason: didn't mean to use unacceptable language...sorry