i_feel_broken

I think you have really hit the nail on the head here affaircare. From the discussions we had yesterday she is clearly now beginning to understand and regret what she has done to the point she can't believe it and has properly apologised. As part of her anxiety she suffers heavily from depersonalisation and derealisation. I'm not allowing it as an excuse for everything but it is a factor like you say.

At times I was heavily involved in all her problems, I did suffer burnout a couple of years ago when we had our baby as I was primary carer for the baby for a while. She said yesterday she knows I am the one that has fought hardest to understand what she is going through.
She says she is very ashamed about what she has done/doing, she knows it is wrong and I think she wants to do the right thing. She is scared and confused but I think she knows she can not come back home and continue to work in that job with him. Been here before!

This is great advice - thanks. She definitely feels in a corner. She wishes none of this had happened and she wishes she could just come home but she knows she will have to give up job and doesn't feel well enough to get another so will become dependant on me and a stay at home mum. That TERRIFIES her.

turnera

What does she do? Maybe she could start some type of at-home business. Or sell Avon. Or something!

i_feel_broken

well i broke.

She basically told me she was scared and confused and didn't know what to do. her counsellor told her that she needs to focus on getting her thoughts together before making a decision.

All fine and well but does she expect me to just sit around waiting for an infinite amount of time while she is likely shagging OM. Her and her counsellor need to get in the real world. I love her to bits and am devastated but i need to draw the line somewhere. I was getting stronger with her living there then she holds out an olive branch and tries to draw me back into limbo again.

I told her what affaircare told me to that i was willing to start something new and that i loved her. She just ate it all up, had her ego stroked then said she needed time. there is plan a and then there is doormat. I told her she should come home and stay in spare room and get her head straight there, I told her I could not accept her staying with him one more night. She said she understood and that she was sorry.

She is not going to leave him and her job - she just wants me to be like a puppy and wait for her and get emotional support from me.

This has all set me back weeks. Did I do the wrong thing?

Wisp

You told her what you wanted. She did not respond in the correct manner. Leave it for now you know where you stand so does she.

Write yourself a script and stick to it. Keep to those boundaries. An example - In future she does not have access to the family home unless you are there.


Always assume the worst, your wife has played you well in the past and she has an expert divorced OM, with money, has a great hold on her through her job and is advising her.

For now carry on working on yourself. Your wife is not going to be in a hurry to repair the marriage nor does she care about you. You need to focus on you and your son only.

Get yourself a darn good lawyer and see what you can do to get maximum custody of your son. English law is not kind to the husband. Plan for when the OM is home full time, you do not want your son with him.

The stage your are in you must not trust or believe your wife at all, actions speak louder than words.

Previously I said quite harshly about not caring for her stress, I mean it:- she does not care for you or her family, the more stress she is under the better, as a one human to another you can feel sorry but in your wife’s case harden your heart, smile be nice but that is all.

No words that imply you are the lapdog.

In the interim do family days without her, like visit her folks so they can see their grandson. If you have common friends that you meet, make sure you come across strong, concerned for her well being and as a great loving husband. If they ask let them know you love your wife but she is b??g her boss. Nice words like having “affair” are let downs and dilute the tackiness of her relationship with her boss. Message will get back to her and ho hum…

I would like to say differently but in your case I believe your wife may be gone, be prepared for this and focus solely on you and your son. Be the better man and hold the moral ground.

You are the prize and there are a lot of better woman out there that would love to be with you. Believe this and be very confident in your life

i_feel_broken

Thanks again wisp. Today feels different. It feels really over from my side as much as hers. I feel numb. She has not replied to the damning email I sent her at 5.30 this morning or to a 'to the point' email I had to send her about the sale of the house.

I have to admit that is the advice I got from my parents and I also have to admit I didn't follow it. In her selfish state my wife seems to judge people on how willing they are to be there for her. I thought if I plan a'd her and showed her I was there for her regardless she would see that and want me back. It sort of worked but only to the point where she took what she needed, gave me a hint of what i needed to keep me supporting her but when it come to the crunch she won't act. she won't leave him and her job. I know this advice is now the right advice and I intend to follow it.

I could tell her she is not allowed to enter the family home but to be honest I don't think she wants or needs to and she does pay half of everything at the moment which i need.

I have emailed the lawyer I visited last month to arrange a follow up meeting.

I just can't believe or grasp how my life has come to this. Why did I pick the bad one, I had the pick of a few really nice girls and I chose badly. Why did i fall in love with this troubled woman!!!!!!!!!

Wisp

You can't help who you fell in love with.

What you can do is change the course of your life for the better. She either will have to get on the bus properly and be in the marriage or as she has one leg in the OM camp she needs to get off and learn to walk in la La Land on her own.


On a side note keep a journal of events as far back as you can go, not sure if this helps at present but going forward it may do. I would like to say if she is under pressure she forgets to pick up son for day care etc.. may not happen if it does it may play in your faviour.

If your wife is paying half the bills then see if the lawyer can adapt this to her paying to support the family and you are the primary carer.

The lawyers will know best, if he is not on the same page as you get another opinion

Best wishes

kathrab2009

I would go with plan A you cant make people change they are who they are. You obviously still love this lady but she has hurt you dreadfully more than once if you get a chance try and be strong and walk away there are other women who would love to be in a relationship with a loyal faithful caring man. Dont put yourself or your Son second this time walk away she will do it again. I have been there all the best

turnera

Because nice guys with self-esteem issues seek out sick girls so they can fix them - which is what makes the guy feel good. (and nice girls...)

Until you no longer get that ego stroking of her being 'grateful' to you.

In reality, sick girls quickly lose respect for Fixers and move on to find sick boys who treat them as badly as they secretly feel they deserve. In other words, they self-destruct. The better you treat her, the worse her actions will be.

IMO, the ONLY way she will ever come back to you (though I hope she doesn't, as you deserve better) is if you turn your back on her and MOVE ON. Once you're no longer feeding her ego, she'll go 'huh? wait a minute! HE is supposed to Give to ME!'

YOUR next step needs to be therapy, so you can learn to like yourself, get MAD at her for doing this, and learn to recognize such people so the next one you pick is healthier.

My brother didn't marry til he was 35. He kept picking sick girls. One after another, basket cases. Wasted 20 years of his life trying to 'fix' girls so he could feel good about himself. Finally, he met this woman who was NONE of that. And she had a sense of humor, was addicted to the Astros just like him, and wouldn't take his crap. She's the best thing that ever happened to him.

You'll find someone like that, too.

i_feel_broken

Turnera,

I don't ever remember saying I had a self-esteem issue but I think I probably did/do to a certain extent and I know I'm a nice guy.

This post was a weird one to read, it made me look at myself more than any other post I have read. I guess I did think I could fix her and she has definitely lost respect for me.

I know you are right in everything you have said, I know I deserve better and I know she will not come back to me and I'm not even sure I can handle having her back. But still I want her back so badly. It's the strangest thing. I think this is truly the end for her and somewhere in my logical brain I am telling myself her not coming back might be the making of me and my happiness. I need to let go but can't, I think if it wasn't for our son it would be so much easier.

Thank you for your brothers story, I hope I can follow in his footsteps. What also makes me mad is that before my wife I had the nicest girlfriend in the world, she was so great to me and perfect in so many ways. My family loved her and she loved my family. We were just about to move in together and I gave her up for my wife, there was no real cheating involved. I got talking to my wife at a few work events and she asked me out. Nothing happened but I realised I had feelings for my wife that I needed to explore so was honest with my girlfriend and ended the relationship. My wife and I got together properly 5 months after that. She would have been so great to live with. I was 23 and had my girlfriend for 5 years, i needed to explore other avenues. I wish I had met her later.

turnera

Well, with a 60% divorce rate, chances are fair that she's available...

The self-esteem thing...it comes across in the way you describe her, yourself, all the effort you put in, and your trouble getting mad and letting go.

Someone with a really healthy self-esteem would have long ago said 'Hell no!' and kicked her to the curb because you would 'know' you deserve better than this. It's a tricky thing. Which is why I encourage counseling. We ALL have our insecurities and self-doubts to work on.

i_feel_broken

that's interesting and i actually tend to agree but does that not go against all the advice given on this forum to encourage reconciliation etc.. keeping the family together?

turnera

Actually, people who post here give kind of a hodgepodge of advice ideas and try to bundle them together so you can pick and choose what works in your situation. I don't mean to say that at first; I meant that, after you've worked really hard, followed Pete's steps to ending an affair, and then stepped back to see if it works...THEN, if it doesn't work, you need to say (when she carries it on under your nose)...Hell no! I won't put up with this any more. Sorry I wasn't more clear.

i_feel_broken

i see what you mean now.

My wife read the email I sent her which was very direct and a bit unpleasant. She was angry and upset. I wasn't that bothered as it's clear this marriage is over. I did however worry this was going to drive us down an unfriendly custody battle.

I emailed this morning to let her know we have a viewing on the house and cleared the air a little. I told her the we were clearly over and that I could no longer be there for her in any way emotionally but I would be thinking of her next week. She has her nans funeral and two therapy appointments at the beginning of the week and I have our son most of the week. OM is away mon - wed so it is about time she realised she has to cope by herself or with OM.

I am now going to try my hardest not to contact her at all unless I have to. I'm going to get myself back on track - I was actually doing okay until tuesday when she gave me the glimmer of hope. I am joining a gym on monday near work and will go running/swimming or training most lunch times. I think this will help.

I am finding it hard to let go despite everything and despite the fact that I know I will be happy if I can pull myself out of this sh*t. Need to be strong. I don't think it is yet clear in my head what I want

thanks everyone

willzy

No real words of advice I'm afraid. Just wanted to post to say I'm sorry things have turned out this way and I hope you find happiness.

GL

turnera

Are you ready to do a Plan B letter?