Re: should i keep laying my soul out by trusting her
I just read all your posts.
I don't why the heck you are doing that to yourself. you are a better person and great father. she i snot worth it. your weaknesses lead you to that situation. you have been hard on her, You should have giving her all these chances, you shouldn't have text ed her or called her for anything. you should have stopped and made her come after you.
lets say she left that guy for good, what is going to stop her in future not to have another OM? her love for you? or her respect?
listen bro, I need it feels hard, I know you are going through panic and stress and depression. that's all normal, and will go a way after you leave her and you will look behind you and wonder how you stayed with her.
look at the future, you will a more caring, more beautiful, more faithful woman than her and live happy. this woman is playing games, stop these games and stop her from ruining your life.
always remember you are the good person here who stands for himself and his son, don't let a woman like her or man such as her OM stress you any more because that will affect your health and your son.
Re: should i keep laying my soul out by trusting her
LuckyCharmH - I do know what you are saying but it's easier said than done. I am losing my wife and at least 50% of my time with my son.
I have good friends and family to vent to but I am on the edge today. My wife has probably just landed and on her way home. We have spoken a couple of times and the conversations have been good. I went to see her dad and step mum the other night and they were very supportive. My wife wasn't happy when I told her as I also told them about her depression, medication, counselling etc which they didn't know about. Once I calmly explained that it was just 3 people who love her and care about her talking about the best way to support her she cried and thanked me.
I feel a wreck this morning. I am at work but on the brink of leaving. I want to go home and wait for her, beg her to stay as she is taking my son away for 4 nights and I will miss them both so much. I want her to realise what she is doing is going to hurt everyone so much. I won't do this of course but I am tempted to go home for 20 mins at lunch as I do want to see her.
Her friend who she went with has posted what a great time she is having on facebook which makes me angry.
feel like exploding, crying, smacking the sh*t out of OM.
Re: should i keep laying my soul out by trusting her
well she has arrived home and phoned me in tears. She is in a real state - worrying about everything, where she is going to live etc. She says she is scared and doesn't know her own mind.
I don't know how to play it -
"deal with it, you put yourself here" type attitude (Plan B almost)
Re: should i keep laying my soul out by trusting her
The usual advice is to come home on the condition that she write a no contact letter and allow you to read it and send it. But since she works with this guy she should have to agree to get another job and to commit 100% to the marriage. She is concerned about HER future. If she gets a chance to restart the affair you can't heal. The affair must end before you can make progress.
Re: should i keep laying my soul out by trusting her
Well I did a bit of both.
I think I folded a bit - I just can't seem to convince myself that taking a hard line is going to be the best way forward. It is such a difficult thing to do.
Definitely plan A'd her. before she left she looked into my eyes then we kissed properly. She thanked me for coming home from work and said she was glad I did. Well of course she is she got the love and support she needed when she was down. What I can't work out is whether I have just done the right thing and she has gone away thinking things could work or whether I have just been walked over again. Probably somewhere in the middle.
I did tell her I feel a bit stupid for coming and helping her as I realise that she could easily leave the house and be on the phone to OM. She said "So what are you trying to tell me, I don't expect you to help me". I admit i bottled it, I wanted to give the ultimatum there and then - cut off all contact or I offer no more support. I bottled it because she is so lost in herself right now that I'm worried she will simply see that as bailing out in her hour of need. I told her I was stronger now and that I have realised I don't NEED her in my life, I have my son, faimly and friends but I told her that doesn't mean I don't want her in my life and that I was still prepared to work things out in the right circumstances. She said she could see I was stronger and she held me and cried and told me she loved me.
What I do know is that there is more to sort out between her and OM. At the moment he has told her it is over as he can't trust her but I know that is not the end.
She has now gone with my son till Sunday morning and I am going to miss them both like crazy. I am speaking to her later on the phone and I'm thinking of saying something like
"I really want to love and support you like I have done today, like the husband you know I will be for you always. However while you are still in the midst of this affair I don't think I can offer you support like that again. Even if you end the affair but decide not to come back to me I will do my best to support you in this difficult time. I think everyone knows that a decision has to be made now. I think that decision at the moment is - continue with the affair or end it. If you continue with it I think we should push on with the sale of the house and I will continue to get on with my own life as I can not and will not support you in your affair"
I may actually wait until she has spoken with her parents and see what she has to say about that as I think they will have some very pro-marriage support for her. I would much rather she came to the conclusion without my ultimatum so it was her decision.
Re: should i keep laying my soul out by trusting her
hi there,
I think you did a good job, she needs to know that you still love her and are willing to work on your marriage, but you have to stand your ground about if she continues with the OM that she is making her choice and that you will have to move on......
When I gave my husband the freedom to go and live out the decisions he had made, he didn't go, he actually had to weigh out all the reality of the decisions he had made.....he no longer could live in the fantasy world the two of them were in, everyone knew, his children knew, he knew it would be his decision alone to end our marriage and move on with a woman he had only had a relationship with for a 6 month period.....
He was tormented and upset with his decisions and all the pain he himself had caused me and his boys........
He was embarrassed and I think he could see that most people just didn't agree with the decisions he had made.
When they are faced with the truth and the reality it's a different situation then just sneaking around in an affair, all the while having the comfort of the life they were living at home.....
Make her feel what she will be losing, let her watch you be stronger and happier without her in your life......
just tell her you wish you were trying to work on your marriage and that you still love her but you are left with the decisions she has made and that you can't do anything about.....
It killed me and I cried by myself a lot but I knew if I didn't take a stance he would see me as weak and needy......
I was prepared to let him go because anything less then him respecting me at this point was not acceptable to me.....
I think you are doing a good job and the most important thing is staying patient while she works things out in her head.....
Let her really see the OM for what he is and all his faults will come to the surface......
I know you will miss your son but this will also show her what it will be to be single mom....
All these changes are good for the thinking process..........
Re: should i keep laying my soul out by trusting her
No ultimatums just yet. Do more exposure and see if the affair implodes. Continue to work on yourself and show her what she's losing. Every time she comes by to exchange your son, have the place looking perfect, you look and smell great, be cooking her favorite food so she can smell it, do all the honey-do's she asked you for but you never got around to...let her notice that YOU have the life SHE wanted.
Re: should i keep laying my soul out by trusting her
Listen to me bro
I have a beautiful baby girl that I can Not live without, so I know how you feel for your son.
I'm not trying to hurt you or anything but trying to wake you up as a brother.
she said she love you, if she really does she would leave the world for you and not sleep with another person no matter what the causes are.
if she said she loves, then a person wont leave his lover behind and go on vacation or spend 4 nights out side the house.
the love you feel for her is more like just something you are used to it or attachment, how could you love a person after done all that to you and your son. look at it from your son point of view, she is hurting your son too not just you.
lets say she left that guy, what would stop her down the road from not starting new affair? are you welling to go through that roller coaster again?
you gave her many chances and a lot of time to think, screw the job and the money, if a job and money going to make my love one misrebale i prefer to live on street with husband and kid rather than having a nice job. she should have left her job long ago if she was series.
wake up man, look what she is doing, she is trying to buy time from or from OM to see where is going to end living, basically she wants to find a place to live with him, so she is buying a time with you until everything clear to her.
Her crying even if it look sensible and faithful and innocent most women can pretend to get what the want, don't believe that trick.
record what happen between you and her, get approve she cheating on you and leaving you and kids behind while she is with OM, and court will give you full custody.
most OM wont like to accept a woman to live with them with a kid, they consider it responsibility.
show her you are series, pack your stuff, all your stuff and leave the house and live with your friends or parents to show her that you are series and she is out for good, and you can take your son with you ( may be this step is hard, but sure you can do it)
and yes, I been in an arguments and fight with a wife so many time to a limit of a divorce, I told her this, would you like the house or keep it for myself.
don't listen to her when she says she is hurting, she is having fun with you and her Boss, two guys spending money on her, she is taking vacation and traveling with friends, stay out all night. the OM is having fun as well, but you are the only person is hurting, start new life and show her you don't care, don't show her nice supportive husband no more, she is nothing, find you a good beautiful wife, and I'm sure and positive that god will reward you for the good deeds you have done to protect your family and son. find new person start new family, a new place safe and warm for yourself and son with a woman meant to be only for you not for everyone else.
Stop kissing her and hugging her and whatever else.
Re: should i keep laying my soul out by trusting her
okay thanks people. some good advice. comments below and then I have an idea for my next move which I could do with some advice on.
" look what she is doing, she is trying to buy time from or from OM to see where is going to end living, basically she wants to find a place to live with him, so she is buying a time with you until everything clear to her. "
- I think you may have a point here, he is on holiday and she says she is confused. maybe she wants to see if she can work things out with him when he gets back.
"Continue to work on yourself and show her what she's losing. Every time she comes by to exchange your son, have the place looking perfect, you look and smell great, be cooking her favorite food so she can smell it, do all the honey-do's she asked you for but you never got around to...let her notice that YOU have the life SHE wanted."
"Indeed, keep showing your best side, I guess the OM will be issuing ultimatums."
- This is definitely my intention and I feel stronger week by week but I'm scared that she wants us to get used to being apart to make the split easier for her.
"but you have to stand your ground about if she continues with the OM that she is making her choice and that you will have to move on......"
I think that is key right now and I think I have a right to know which leads onto my possible next move.....
My wife is now staying with her dad and step mum for a few days and hopefully getting some pro-marriage input from them. She has put off the decision of selling the house until next week after I handed her the form to sign and take to the estate agent. What I have been thinking about is I guess an ultimatum. What I want to know is whether she wants to pursue the affair or not. It's as simple as that. If she is then I want to sell asap and just get on with my life - she can't have her cake and eat it and I'm sick of it. If not then I will need some solid proof and openness despite us being separated and then I would be prepared to look at other solutions regarding the house and be more willing to spend time as a family etc.
Re: should i keep laying my soul out by trusting her
thanks. i think I know that is the right move as progress seemed to be made when i saw her the other day. It's just the fact i have been there and had those same thoughts and been patient and been burnt. It's so tempting to lay it down to try and get the clarity I strive for
Re: should i keep laying my soul out by trusting her 
