i_feel_broken

well i played mr nice confident guy. To be honest it did feel quite good as we had a nice conversation but i'm not kidding myself - I know she could be off the phone and straight onto him.

She is with all of her family now though and I am more confident now that they wouldn't support her doing that so she would have to hide it from them too. I hope it is feeling more like the wrong thing to do and more seedy. I'm so pleased I exposed to them, even her brother who she is probably closest with, is angry.

She is due home on Sunday morning. I just text and asked her to get my son to ring me. He rang a little while after which was nice, I then spoke to her. She keeps asking if i'm ok so I keep telling her I'm fine and telling her all the things I'm doing with friends etc and that I am sleeping well. I don't want her to think i'm some pathetic mess but at the same time i'm worried that if she thinks i'm okay with it all it will be easiest to go to OM if that makes sense. So i told her I was missing them both and it was wierd being in our big house all by myself. She said it's wierd not having a house to go to, she asked if I wanted her to bring my son home a day early, I said I might be going out with friends anyway but I would let her know, I then stressed that she is welcome to come home. I got the impression she wants to come home but won't ask me, she wants me to ask her or pretend it is for my sons sake. Not sure though.

Do you think I should invite her to spend the day with me and my son on Sunday. Last time I told her I would rather spend time on my own with him she committed back to me but I haven't seen her properly for almost two weeks and if she agreed it may be a chance to have a nice day together?

Wisp

Be very clear to her

if you stop the affair you can always come home. Mention the I love you part as well.

And Yes get her to come home early, family time is BIG plus for you

Wisp

You need to rebuff this ---"She said it's wierd not having a house to go to," ---be consistant it is not you at fault here, it is her doing.

Let her know she has a home she needs to stop the affair. Have your words ready all the time..

turnera

Invite her to go; make it clear, if she comes and then texts OM, that you want her to leave if she is going to shove her affair in your face.

i_feel_broken

Quick update. ill post again when I have more time.

My wife and I sat down and she told me everything. It has been a PA for the last year, leaving at lunch times to go to his house etc.

I felt physically sick, even though I knew deep down it was a PA it hurt so much to hear it. She said she wants rid of him and thinks we can be happy. She said she has to leave her job and doesn't mind upsetting him and getting rid of him.

Im so confused, I don't know what to do. I love her and want my family but have no idea how this is going to effect me.

Wisp

Hang in there , be strong, you will get over this..

The first step is for you to forgive her and invite her home to work together on this,. She must resign immediately as part of the processes.

Wisp

You must be able to let her know she trusts you; this is a big step on her side to have told you this.

Yes it will hurt but now it is in the open she needs to be loved and move forward. Get her out of the job now, the finances can be sorted out later..

Be brave with this many many marriages recover to be strong .. Love as your wife and let her cry on you…

i_feel_broken

thanks - i know your right. It's hard advice to follow when I have so much going on in my head. so many thoughts of them together etc.

jessi

hi there I feel broken,
Well she has come to her senses and told you everything, it's hard to hear and hard to think about I know first hand, I'm in the same place as you.......
This is a process that will take minute by minute at first and then day by day to get through....
She has offered all the right things to you, now you can follow the plan that the vets set out and recover your marriage.....first step is quitting her job, sending him a NO CONTACT letter you both have read and send out together, she gives you access to her phone and computer and lets you know where she is at all times.....
Then you work on your marriage, filling each others needs, spending quality time together, fall in love all over again.....
When you have the triggers try to redirect your mind to something else........and when you have to cry together, understand what needs to be fixed so neither of you ever thinks that going outside the marriage is the answer.......
good luck and I'm happy for you.....
take all the time you need as well, my therapist told me that early on I shouldn't make any decisions that I just wasn't equipped emotionally to do that with any clarity........

Wisp

A word of warning.

Please do not assume the affair is over, while there is contact at the work environment there are conversations that you are not party to.

Even after exposure and a D day within the marriage, affairs are often re-ignited due to ongoing contact.

You wife has not been able to stop before and is therefore likely to be at risk of giving into TOM again.

Sit with her, work on a robust exit strategy that works and eliminates the contact between her and the OM.

You will need full access to all the information, her PDA password, and her whereabouts at lunch time, she can check yours as well – be open and say this is a two way thing. Your checking the call and texts has to be done in the short term until your relationship is out of the mire.

Please ensure she knows this is not snooping this is openness and is part of the rebuilding the marriage together.

Suggest you order “His Needs, Her Needs” off somewhere like amazon.co.uk £8.63 with delivery change included. I can find the link if you wish.

Both of you need to read it.

Every day you need to reserve and hour or more to talk about what has happened and how and what to do you do going forward. This is a team effort.

I will ask you to be very cautious and not assume that the way forward is clear –YET. Do not play all your cards especially if you are getting advice from here. Your wife has display great talent in hiding the PA

iamnottheonlyone

You are doing great. Remember, this next part may not be easy on you and you will have to be patient. She may go through withdrawal and be distant. Read Flowergirl 77 thread to see your wife's thinking. Stay the course.

turnera

I would recommend that you either get hold of Affaircare and do counseling through her, or else go to marriagebuilders.com and do their phone counseling. It is VERY marriage oriented and will give you specific tools to get through an affair - it's what they do. May save the marriage.

i_feel_broken

Getting her out of the job I know is the most important thing. She has said that is something she needs to feel she has done so she feels no resentment toward me for pushing her to leave. I have tried to make her understand she needs to do it asap for the sake of our marriage and she says she knows but she was a bit cautious when I mentioned me searching for new jobs. I am going to suggest we phone OM and she asks to be made redundant with a pay off and garden leave. If we get one of those three things then it would be a good start!

I am not going to take my eye off the ball regarding the affair. I want some part in the ending of it for my own sake. I can't let her just tell me she has done it. We have been there before. I need some closure. Hopefully a decent No Contact letter will help.

I will buy that book - we do have a few others on the go at the moment though so don't want to swamp her!

i_feel_broken

thanks turnera - i'll have a look at affaircare and marriagebuilders. I think some impartial counselling would help

Wisp

Thoughts are with you in this difficult time, be strong, brave and forgiving. Take the steps needed to save your wife and marriage.

Best wishes