Feeling very guilty and don't know what to do next
My hb and I had a talk the other night, he really told me his feelings which is good because he doesn't usually talk. He said he thinks about the EA everyday and if I talk or see TOM we r done and he will put the house up for sale. He also said he has thought about ending his life a few times over this ordeal as well and I could tell that from time to time. My hb also is acting very insecure, I guess that is normal, he gets mad or silent treatment if I even talk to another man, young or old and I am in retail so I talk and see people all day long. So this is wearing real thin with me because he works with me on sundays and we end up arguing about different things. yes he changed his shift so we always work sundays together and he also meets me everyday for lunch just so he can keep an eye on me. He is smuthering me abit and I don't know how o make him feel any better. He wants me to tell him I'm staying and I can't tell him anything right now We r working on things together, going to councelling, sleeping in the same bed, having the greatest sex life we've ever had really, but he says he can't get past things and doesn't know how to get things out of his head. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to help him and it kind od is getting me angry now because everything is good then he brings it up every couple of weeks and we get into it. I feel like I might as well of slept with tom at least then he would have a good reason to be so pissed. We r spending lots of time together but when he acts like this now he is driving a wedge through us again like before and I told him I'm not going to take this anymore, I can't. It's driving me mad.help me please any advice.
Re: Feeling very guilty and don't know what to do next
Ahhh yes, the smothering husband! I have been there. I have told him many times that it makes me want to hide from him b/c of how much he hovers over me-and was honest that it has the opposite affect on me, and it doesn't help. My HB brings up my indiscretions daily, it is still very raw for him I guess. I think this just takes time unfortunately.
Re: Feeling very guilty and don't know what to do next
Basically, Blueyes, your husband is reacting normally, just like most people do when they find out they have been cheated on. If you put yourself in his shoes, you would probably do the same thing.
Something to keep in mind is that until you both get onto the same page in working on your marriage, you will both be making errors that will cause problems. He thinks he is doing things to fix the marriage, you get irritated at those things. You think you are doing things to fix the marriage, and he gets irritated at those things.
Here is what is happening: you are both assuming that what you are doing is what the other person needs, and then getting frustrated by the lack of response (or, the negative response.)
That is why, if you were in some good, responsible counseling, you would have homework that you would both be working on, together and apart. That's why marriagebuilders.com uses the Love Busters, Emotional Needs questionnaires (among other tools) to help bring you both onto the same page. That is why we use the Love Kindlers, and Love Extinguishers questionnaires at affaircare.com - for the same reason.
If you spend your time assuming that what you are doing is reassuring your husband, and he spends his time assuming that what he is doing is building your relationship, you will grow more and more frustrated.
Assuming that the affair is ending (have you established NO contact yet?) then the next step is to get to work on your marriage. But that requires commitment and deliberate work from both of you. It won't happen if you just get things 'back to the way they were' or spend you time assuming you are doing it right.
Re: Feeling very guilty and don't know what to do next
If he can read some of the materials he will see that what he is doing is typical. He will also learn ways to work around it. He must give you some room and he must build confidence. Confidence is attractive. But rebuilding the lost confidence requires time and discipline. He has to read and study. Why don't you suggest he participate in a forum like this where he can get some good advice that is personalized to his needs. It doesn't have to be here (and probably shouldn't be.) But this kind of help will speed up his recovery..and yours.
Re: Feeling very guilty and don't know what to do next
we have done the emotional needs and love busters, he is just very needy all the time and u r right he needs to show me a bit of strength but he can't right now. I just don't know what to do to help him, he has been acting like a puppet doing everything for me and hanging on every word I say since oct, it has taken its toll on him I guess. I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel for us. I'm not right either, I'm gaining weight and can't seem to quit thinking of things, everything just seems to be getting worse. I almost wish I hadn't of been honest with him until I know what I am going to do, it just made everything alot more complicated, but I know he needed a chance to work with me to fix things just it's maybe too far gone.
Re: Feeling very guilty and don't know what to do next
Tanelornpete....Assuming that the affair is ending have you established NO contact yet?) then the next step is to get to work on your marriage. But that requires commitment and deliberate work from both of you. It won't happen if you just get things 'back to the way they were' or spend you time assuming you are doing it right."
Have you stopped the Affair...and sent a No-Contact letter
Your post from the 7th July says you dropped by the OM...
“I made the mistake of dropping by, I shouldn't of done that now I am right back where I started. STUPID<STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. I have gained weigh and a bit depressed too over everything, So please learn from my mistakes and stay away.”
Furthermore have you told you husband everything, he may know more than you think, he may even know more details of further contacts that you have not told him about,so he is clingy..Your husband is in a position that he does not trust you at all and you have given him good reason not to.
“ I am trying to let them work this all out but he also needs a friend right now but it is weird so I am keeping my distance out of it and let them work things out.My hs doesn't know any of this new info I can't hurt him anymore and he has been great but I still don't know weither I am staying with him or not its too hard to just forget the past and like u said he could go back to the same behavior that I have put up with for 20 yrs, day by day is all any of us can do”
Yes he needs to change to make the marriage work but...
Stop the affair first and then fix the marriage
I am not picking on you, I do not envy what you are going through…
Later tonight ( UK time - I suspect we are on different time zones,) I will insert a post from a lady describing her experience of the pain of stopping an EA. Its for Info only…..
Re: Feeling very guilty and don't know what to do next
thanks wisp, send that piece please anything can only help at this point.I have to work now so won't see it till tomorrow night sometime. thanks again. haven't seen him for a couple of weeks I think I am trying to do the right thing.
Re: Feeling very guilty and don't know what to do next
This is going to be a very long post: It is for information only...
It details the conversations amongst a couple of ladies that have been having an EA. These conversations appear to have taken place over a period of five months. Please note I did not post this to support an affa1r, some of the items here may appear to provide a reason why this has happened. Perhaps this will help explain some of the feelings and stresses you have been going through.
I have changed the contact names i.e names and places have been changed to protect the innocent people involved. ( standard quote I found somewhere)
Anna
I didn't set out to have an EMA at all, but once the "talk" started it rolled and off we went. It's over now and I am suffering on such a deep level. So sad. I ended it mostly because the writing was on the wall that that is what he wanted. It stopped feeling good very quickly once the OM stopped making talking with me a bit of a priority. That seemed to give me the courage to say goodbye, and now I regret it.
I'm in this place of second guessing everything. My HB knows I've ended it. He is giving me space, being supportive and kind. For some unknown reason he wants our marriage badly. I have not made that easy for him that's for sure.
I only made it a very short time after ending things before I broke down and contacted the OM. There has been no response from him and I know he's letting me know he needs us to be out of each others lives for good. He wants to see if he can find something in his marriage. He was always honest about that and how that was his first priority. I don't think I really believed it though.
So, I try to function through the day. If I can go to bed tonight without attempting to contact him, it's one day down, a million more to go. It will get easier with time; I know that. I need to focus on my life, control what I can control, and make decisions about my own marriage once I'm able to step out of the grief I feel now.
This is a really lonely place to be. I wish I had made the decision to end it for me, rather than to help him out because I knew he wouldn't have the courage to do it. He's stayed in an unhappy marriage for many years. Why would he finally find the gumption to make changes. He's settled for most of his married life. That is not good for me. I need to remind myself of that.
Am I a good person who had an affair? I am. I made some bad choices along the way, but my HB and I both know the path that got us here.
I am not proud of my infidelity but other than my affair, I consider myself a person of very high integrity and my whole life, professional and personal, has been sacrificing for other people. I've done very little in my life for me, other than fall in love with an amazing man. I think I am "good" because I haven't destroyed my children's lives with my own selfish needs. but I don't know, maybe I am a bad person!
Anna
The list of reasons it wouldn't work between us is there. I know exactly where we would fall apart. The really miserable thing about this EMA sh?t is that you don't get a chance to explore it and for the relationship to run it's course. Instead you are left wondering what "could" have happened "if only" you'd had a "normal" chance to explore possibilities.
He has cut me off cold. I want to know that he is hurting as much as I am, but I also know it won't make any difference. My thought is that he isn't. He's probably able to focus on his marriage and give yet another attempt to fix things so he can stay home with his family which he values above all else.
There is nothing I can do but try to manage my own emotions. I think there are lots of people who have been in that place.
Jane.
Never thought I would ever have an affair, but here I am. I do believe mine is over now, as of today. He can't seem to handle it - and although he keeps pursuing me on occasion and telling me he wants it to keep going, he told me today he just wants to be friends. How do you do that? How can you go back?
My husband is not a bad guy - just no passion. No desire to be really touched and held. I should go, be a really good person, and find someone new . But I can't - I am too afraid. Afraid of changing my family, hurting my kids/husband and never finding anything better.
I have loved this EMA - the way it makes me feel when we are together - but I have hated it too. I haven't felt this low and rejected in longer than I can remember. Even though I know he is not rejecting me, just the situation. But that doesn't help.
Sorry for my rambling. Bad day.
Anna
Almost most all of us have a common thread that has brought them to the place of having an EMA.
Married to a nice mate but there isn't any passion, life is passing us by etc etc.
When we are in it, the EMA, we are alive and fulfilled and have passion and excitement. We feel on top of the world.
The other side though creates a vulnerability and sense of doubt, anxiousness that makes me really wonder if any of this was worth it. When a text isn't returned or an email goes a few hours without a response, we crumble. "I haven't felt this low and rejected in longer than I can remember" is a very accurate description of how I'm feeling.
I'm a grown woman with a successful business and great kids, yet the OM has brought me back to how I felt when I was a teenager and my boyfriend dumped me or cheated on me; only the OM is "cheating" on me with his wife whom he wants to find a real marriage with. At least in high school I could fight back. Phone (no texts or emails then), or go to his house, maybe see him at a party. Now there is nothing I can do except sit an be miserable. It's brutal.
For most adults we get to make choices about how we govern our day. How we spend out time, who we spend it with. All of a sudden an EMA takes away those choices. You can't "fix" things because they are out of your control.
I'm trying to look at the OM and accept that the time we had together was a gift. I'm trying to look at what I've learned about myself and the part of me that I thought was gone, or maybe didn't know it existed. Unfortunately non of those thoughts are helping, only hurting BECAUSE I can't have him and I can't have "us" again. He is out. I need to hate him, but that's not going so well either. Hopefully soon. Sorry for the long post.... "bad day", although I think I'm a while from having a good one.
Anna
We all are set on a path that leads to pain no matter how good life seems at the start of the EMA
I had a really good session with my counselor the other day. He had me focus on my emotions around the EMA ending. I couldn't just let my thoughts wander off randomly. He had me write down how I felt about everything. "I feel hurt that he didn't try harder to keep me when I told him it was over." "I feel angry that he is doesn't have the courage to make decisions that will make him happy." I didn't think I could do it, but I quickly wrote out 2 pages of "I feel" statements. My homework is to read them again and again until they don't make me hurt anymore. Sounds corny, but the exercise of writing them was valuable. It also helped me see why a relationship with the OM would not work. A lot of my "I feel" statements were around his personality traits that would not mesh with mine. I'm highly driven, he is not being one of the most significant differences. I don't know if that helps. I felt strong yesterday, and now I'm a puddle again.
I checked to see if there was an email on the account I have that is private. There isn't. So I'm back looking for support. I will get through today without attempting to contact him... because I have to
Sometimes I wish I was original, but I am not. I am very in tune with the feeling of waiting. I can't focus on work, I can't focus on anything except trying to make the phone ring or a text come. The OM can turn it off at will. It hurts so badly and it is a very helpless feeling. If an EMA is supposed to feel good, what you (and I) are experiencing is not good. I don't have anything to offer you to gain strength.
How many times a day can I check that stupid email account hoping there is something there from him. The waiting spirals into panic and sadness and tears. Then my kids come home and I'm forced to be "normal" which is a relief. This is the pattern, and I, like you, need it to stop. It's killing me and taking away any joy I could experience in other parts of my life. Smiling?? What the hell is that? I don't think I remember how.
Xena
Ladies...Not so long ago I was in the same sadness mode as you because of all the unanswered questions about my guy was swirling in my head and took every bit of my energy. And I thought I was doomed to the depression land for the rest of my life. Today I am feeling free and light again. So I can offer you hope that time does heal and you have the power to turn yourself around. What I realized was that the intensity of the emotion in the EMA made me see my life as half-empty instead of half-full. Then after a long time suffering I realized the OM can also only offer me a half-full glass, just a different half maybe even less. For most of us keeping both the half-fulls and trying to merge the two proved to be impossible.
It took me a while to finally be able to let the OM go in my mind. But as soon as I took that step I have been improving day by day. Other helpful things to take my mind off him: Yoga and spending time laughing with friends. Long term: refocusing on my own goals in life. Hope you find your own way out of the limbo land and keep your hopes ladies
Anna
It sounds like you have found the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. I like your analogy of "2 halves" not making a "full' and looking back at yourself for happiness. I have a question. Are you married or are you single with a married partner?
I know that the OM would not have a long future if we were able to explore things.
My husband is a forgiving soul. My affair is becoming common knowledge in my community. I think I know where from but there isn't anything I can do about it. My HB needed to talk to someone, and that is more than likely the source; not that it matters. It's just another piece of this very confusing and messed up puzzle. I told my HB about the comments I'm hearing about. He was good about it. Surprisingly it's not destroying me like I thought it would. I didn't get here alone although I did make the final fatal error to step outside my marriage. As we all know though a marriage that if healthy, full with 2 partners having all their needs met generally don't end up this board.
I decided to confide in a friend who works a bit with me yesterday. It was a bit of damage control so she wouldn't be shocked if she got asked about it. It made her afraid of the future for her young marriage, but she was kind and said she's here for me. What shocks me about the folks wanting to gossip is that they want details. They feel it's their right to know why happened, why, who, etc. (They haven't come to me about it, but they have to my very closest friend.) It is out of my hands. We'll see how it affects me professionally. I very much hope you are right about it blowing over once the next hot gossip topic comes around.
I'm always hearing "you are responsible for your own happiness". I like to believe that's true - but here's my question - HOW THE HELL DO YOU GET THERE?
Jane
HOW THE HELL DO YOU GET THERE is PERFECT. I keep getting asked "what do I want". I hate that questions. I want it all. I want the family package and I want my EMA. I can't have it all. At some point a decision needs to be made. My HB and I are doing well right now with the NC rule in place. There is no tension in a house without lies. What a difference. It hasn't made my need / desire / drive to contact the OM go away at all though. Hopefully soon.
It seems like there are so many of us here who have the exact same story. Change around names, location, opportunities... but fundamentally the stories are the same. Most of us are messed up on one level or another with clear answers really hard to come by.
*************
Blueyes: Like your name.
Not sure that this helps but hopefully there are snippets that let you know that others have been there, most from what I read elsewhere have survived and moved forward.It is Xena post that is most telling, the posts seem to dissipate after these with few updates though it appears from the few updates I gleened after these that they were all ontrack and recovering.
Wishing you the very best during this difficult time. Keep posting, vent or cry on this forum, everyone is rooting for you.
Re: Feeling very guilty and don't know what to do next
I think they were so cynical because it cuts close to the wick. Michelle is on point with everything about the start and substance of the affair. What they don't want to read is how to put the affair to an end. The junkies don't want to stop using.
Re: Feeling very guilty and don't know what to do next
thanks wisp, at least i know others r feeling the same way as i am. Their posts r the same as I'm feeling pretty much,just my story has health issues to boot, wisp i have been trying to get over this along time now, started to quit seeing him in nov, please read all my original posts and story all the way through so u will know, then tell me what i'm not doing right. i am afraid my marriage doesn't have a chance because me or my husband keep screwing up.let me know what u think
thanks.
Re: Feeling very guilty and don't know what to do next
Hi Blueyes
I do not know you and you do not know me. I even think we are on different continents and time zones. This is from a stranger…and it is not a lecture or a fight, it’s a proposal….
I have read all your posts since they stated in March 2010
You have been offered a lot of advice on what to do to stop the affair as well as guidelines on rebuilding your marriage. Some of the “veterans” on this site have even stepped back and are no longer responding to your posts.
I see the pain you are in from the posts you have made and note that you are still in withdrawal.
Normally the process is stop the affair and then work on the marriage. You have done some work on the marriage with varying degrees of successes and failure.
The main problem that I see here is in yourself; you are internally still emotionally engaged in the affair.
You need to regain your dignity and self worth as a person, a woman and a mother and finally a wife. On the wife item this may be in the “work on the marriage part”
For now you are to focus on yourself:
Assume for this you cannot change your home and work environment but you can start doing things that will result in being good for you. (A poor sentence I know, I have no other way of expressing it)
Firstly know this, write it down if you have to, shout it out and take it as a given. The OM is NEVER going to be part of your life.
** I removed this comment as it many hurt you*** 21:55 Sunday
I would like to clarify a few items – no details needed just yes or no:
September 09 – Active contact with OM
Nov 09 – Active contact with OM
Jan 10 – contact with OM (once only)
March 10 – attempted contact with OM, email sent no reply
April – counselling first session
April 21st – passed OM place and was ‘caught’ staring
July – visited OM at home - note extracted below
‘I made the mistake of dropping by, I shouldn't of done that now I am right back where I started. STUPID<STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.’
Have I missed out any other OM contacts? If yes give me the month only
Do you drive past the OM’s house regularly?
Do you have opportunities to see him on a daily, weekly, monthly basis for work related items?
Part of the issue here is you need to focus on keeping your mind and emotions occupied, you mentioned your increase in weight, if you/we create a plan that you can follow both your mind and body will benefit.
There are number of recommended steps to follow I am however not going to give them to you yet though you may already have them and may need support to follow them through. This is a 98% input from you and 2% guidance and support from people on this forum.
Please note I am not a councilor, just a normal person, I can only write my view down and draw on the expertise of others.
Wishing you well, bless you, looking forward to your response
Re: Feeling very guilty and don't know what to do next
Hi Wisp, I am sorry but can't get on here all the time. I think I have seen more times then I have led on here. I have stopped again because now his wife is sick and I have to give them space, I am trying to let them work their troubles out too. I am very confused and I believe that u can have feelings for more then one person, we have known each other for 10 yrs and there has always been an attraction, we still have never done anything because of us being married. Please let me know what else I have to do to get my life back on track.
Feeling very guilty and don't know what to do next 
