New and need help

Moonlight · 06-22-2008, 11:14 PM

Hi I'm new and in need of advice and comfort.

My boyfriend and I have been in a monogamous relationship for 4 years. We met over the internet and became very good friends, we finally met, he moved to my city, and lived there for 2 years while attending school (I did not live with him) He got ancy and wanted to move completely across the country so I went because we were very close, best friends in fact, and we have been here for about a year and a half. Well his life is very difficult, he is not a criminal, nor has any skeletons in his closet, I cannot disclose his situation but it is hard. He had a fall out with his family last month while they were visiting. He also has no degree at 24 years old or any money in fact. So he is feeling alone without his family and money and now I'm leaving to go out of state to school and he will stay here.

I have never met anyone like him, that may sound naive but he is my best friend, we communicate thoroughly and have VERY similar interests, sense of humors, and we haven't had problems we couldn't handle..

NOW, here is what I'm going through. He is very closed off, and wants to be left alone, I am careful not to say or do anything that will upset him, because he is so depressed he wouldn't mind telling me its over. I asked him if its me or anything I can do, no, I should just leave him alone, and that's OK. BUT I go to bed around 11, or 12 and he stays up all night until 7am, and he has always done this on summer vacation. but now hes been drinking a little bit alone, and has his own facebook. I don't go near that because we have kept friends and our situation separate. I know he has been talking to a girl, I caught him on webcam and with his shirt off, I dont care if hes on camera but he HID it when i came into the room. Hes been shaving which is not normal for him on vacation he even shaved his chest hair. I know that no one can match the connection we have and he has said that himself but now I dont know what to do. I suffer from anxiety and went off my medication about 6 months ago because i wanted to try life without it, and i was fine until my world came crumbling down.

So, How can I deal with this? I will definitely break us up if i am forceful with anything. I want this to work, because he is my soul mate. should i shrug this off and wait it out? i asked if he still wants to be with me he said he wouldn't be here if he didn't, and i know that. he isn't shy about his feelings. he also said that this wont be for a few weeks it'll be for a few months. I wonder sometimes if hes waiting for those few months for me to move and for him to maybe date other women. I don't know...

I should also mention that we have been sex-less for more than 8 months, because i gained some weight and he wanted me to get into the shape i was in when i met him, and i respect and understand that.

PLEASE HELP.

draconis · 06-23-2008, 04:21 AM

I see many red flags including the weight issue. Doesn't he love you for who you are? Beauty is more then skin deep and people's bodies change. Yes being in the best shape is nice but what would happen if a major disease MD or MS fell on you?

Second red flag is what he did on the cam. Emotional affairs take away from relationships.

As far as his depression simply tell him that there is no pressure but you are here when he is ready for you.

The soulmate thing bothers me. If he was your soul mate wouldn't he want to please you no matter how you looked? Wouldn't he be able to talk to you now? Would he have done the things on the internet?

draconis

Moonlight · 06-23-2008, 04:37 PM

Thanks for your input.

He still was very emotionally connected and loving while we were sex-less, He said he loved me for who I am and didnt push the weight issue. Ive lost most of the weight, I do respect that he wants me to be in good shape, wouldnt any one? i was also not very happy with myself about the weight and he told me it was more for myself to get confident and feel good about myself since he saw how unhappy i was being a little chubby.

The thing that hurts the most is the internet girl, it is cutting at my emotions, you are right.

I think I am going to give him his space, I know he still loves me, from some interactions and talks we have had, maybe hes not IN love with me, or seeing his options I guess.

I guess Im hoping he will realize what we have is special and that he cant get that with some other girl...maybe if i stay out of his way here in the apartment he will miss me and if not, and he wants to leave me i think Ill feel better with some closure and not all these "what ifs"

I really appreciate your feedback.Thanks.

draconis · 06-23-2008, 11:09 PM

I wish you the best of luck.

I would let him know that emotional affairs take away from relationships and can become addicting. Look at so many others fighting the same thing gone to far on these forums.

Sometimes a bit of space gives clarity. You seem like a great gal, he would be lucky to have you for the rest of his life.

draconis

Moonlight · 06-23-2008, 11:53 PM

Thanks, again. You've given me some comfort and clarity, I appreciate it immensely.