everyone makes mistakes.
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » everyone makes mistakes.

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 07-26-2010, 11:03 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default everyone makes mistakes.

I know I will hear the wrath of this, I have written on this site before, please see threads. It will be 1 year this weekend, and a month after our marriage, my husband got arrested for DWI – he had to wear the scam bracelet and had to attend AA classes – after the bracelet was removed he continued to drink and lie about how much he was drinking. It put a strain on our marriage, he would disrespect me to my friends and no amount of pleads would make him calm down on the drinking. It came to the point, where I became and still emotionless into the marriage, and Yes I did wrong, I looked elsewhere and cheated on him. He found out and told his parents, for he knew if he didn’t and I walked away they would of blamed him.. So in turn, he blamed me for everything – Instead of his parent having us discuss it and work it out with counseling or so, they escalated it to my family and degraded me in front of them. What I am upset and hurt is that when he found out, I told him why and how I have been telling him numerous times, that I am unhappy and we need to fix us – he agreed to all of this, and lied and went to tell his parents.
At the moment, he has moved out to his parent’s house and I am by myself – my mother and brothers want nothing to do with him, as well as his parents want nothing to do with me.
He wants to work things out and go from there, he wants to trust me again, in which I would take the steps to prove to him, but I ask him to stop drinking cold turkey – and he states he cant do that , he will calm down to 1 drink but cant stop cold turkey right now. We are at the state where I am so confused, I don’t know if I should leave and get a divorce or fight for something that deep down in my mind might never change.
I do miss him at the house, but I know I could be strong to do with out him. I do love him, but I know either what we decide will be a long road for both of us. We are both 30 years old.
What would you do?
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Old 07-26-2010, 11:11 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: everyone makes mistakes.

Firstly I do not agree that you should have cheated,

He exposed your cheating

Now

The position you and your husband are in is it takes two to fix a marriage.

At a minimum you both need to see a councillor, each on your own and then together, I say on your own as he may choose to give a different side of the story to you.

Keep the status quo as it is, let him stay at his parents and you at the house. Keep this arrangement until you have had some counselling sessions and together you agree a the next steps. Do not be pressurised to make the change until both of you feel it is the right decision.
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Old 07-26-2010, 11:14 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: everyone makes mistakes.

What would I do? I would sit down and make myself a list of the pros and cons of the relationship, and what it would look like in the future if my spouse did NOT make any changes at all, and use that to help me decide whether I really wanted to put the amount of work into saving the marriage that it was going to require.
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Old 07-26-2010, 11:23 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: everyone makes mistakes.

Thank you for your opinion,
We did visit a counselor on saturday - and it became a cat and dog game, he stated that he drank because i was never there for him emotionally or there as I once were. I told the counselor when i was there for him as a wife when we first got married, he put everyone before me and never stopped and put me into consideration. Basically, the therapist said we need to fix own self before we can fix us. Its either you try and if it doesnt work to move on or lay down the consequences.
I have laid down the consequences but he doesnt feel that he can go cold turkey. I am willing to change but he is not - and I just feel if i dont put my foot down for the last time, it will contine to be like this.
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Old 07-26-2010, 11:30 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: everyone makes mistakes.

He has to go into AA.
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Old 07-26-2010, 11:44 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: everyone makes mistakes.

Tunera, he is in AA - and he continued to drink. so that is not helping him.. the therapist stated that I could fix what i did and prove to him i can be trusted again, but an person who runs to the bottle for comfort has to change on its own.
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Old 07-26-2010, 12:46 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: everyone makes mistakes.

I think you miss having someone in the house... not him. Maybe the him you used to love and hope for again. Dont take that lonliness to mean you need him back in your home... for now... he should stay where he is.

You cant make him work on himself, he has to choose to do that.
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Old 07-26-2010, 12:47 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: everyone makes mistakes.

I think that he needs to work on his drinking problems first before he can cope with putting a marriage back in place,
having an affair is not the answer in solving any of the problems you two face.....
tell him you will help him through the AA program and when he is in a better place you can work on the marriage problems together......
In the meantime promise him No Contact with the affair person and complete access to all your communications with anyone else, phones, comp, he should know your whereabouts at all times.....
Tell him you love him and that you want to stay married but not like this......
It will take time so you will have to be patient and understanding.
I hope he sees this as an opportunity to fix himself and the two of you.......
good luck
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Old 07-26-2010, 01:33 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: everyone makes mistakes.

As an alcoholic, I can tell you that nothing will change until he does.

Yes, your affair was wrong but his behavior sounds like it would continue with or without your affair. And people telling you to be open with all your communications and No Contact with the OM is crap. His behavior needs to change.

The alcoholic thinks of no one but himself and will lie (as he did with his family) to cover up his own problems.

I was lucky. I have stopped drinking but I will tell you that if he doesn't it will just get worse for you. Draw a line in the sand now and if he can't step across it, you need to get out now before you find ourself 10 years from now with a couple of kids and no husband (or one in jail or continually passed out in front of the kids).
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Old 07-26-2010, 01:46 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: everyone makes mistakes.

One of my DD19's classmates just got charged with manslaughter. She has a 2 year old at home, who has been taken away from her. She ran into another car, while at 0.182 intoxication level, and killed the driver of the other car. At 19, she's going to prison and losing her child.

Don't have anything to do with him until he is sober for a year.
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Old 07-26-2010, 03:02 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: everyone makes mistakes.

Alcoholics will blame their drinking on everything and anything... anything to "legitimize" continuing to drink. Everything he is doing (manipulation) is all a part of this. You cannot get someone to stop drinking unless he/she themself feels they want to and are ready to. Your husband definitely sounds like he is not ready. As long as he continues to drink, more dramas will occur (as part of the manipulation) and he will continuously try and paint you as the bad guy. It sucks but its true. Also, saying "i will not stop drinking but I will only have 1 beer a day" is another common thing said by alcoholics everyday all over the world - it never works. A common thing preached by AA is that one drink leads to another, etcetc - you cannot reduce your intake... you either stop or not. Your husband is clearly not ready.

It sounds to me like your partner already had a drinking problem, but only now is it starting to effect other things in his life like his marriage and family relationships. He sounds deep in denial so to him, these things have nothing to do with his drinking. But in reality it does. My advice to you would be to look after you - that is all you can do until he is ready to stop drinking himself. You may have to leave, maybe not... but for a lot of people with addictions, it takes losing everything before they can admit to themselves that this drinking is actually a problem in their life. Also, one of the best things you can do is go to your local Alanon group. They are a great support, friendly - good people who have been where you are. They also teach how NOT to enable his behaviours (enabling sounds bad but really, a lot of people do it but dont realise).
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Old 07-26-2010, 04:00 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: everyone makes mistakes.

Thank you all for your inputs - to keep you up todate- He stated he will go COLD turkey if I do the following steps to prove myself to this marriage, in which he feels he didn't do as much damage as I did.

He states:
All these girls night out stops, we go out together or we stay home. Will not be fair if you’re out and about having a drink with your friends and I am stuck home. Spend more intimate times with each other and explore us. No secrets, I give you all my passwords and you do the same. Explain people on your phone or change your number if possible to avoid negative people. Calm down the attitude. Speaking out your problems if theirs one and discuss it, as adult and stay faithful.

Life is confusing!
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Old 07-26-2010, 04:21 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: everyone makes mistakes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by christine30 View Post
Thank you all for your inputs - to keep you up todate- He stated he will go COLD turkey if I do the following steps to prove myself to this marriage, in which he feels he didn't do as much damage as I did.

He didnt do as much damage as you? He is still in denial. He needs to stay at his parents (or whoever will have him other than you) until he is through the 12 steps and at least a year has gone by.
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Old 07-26-2010, 05:49 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: everyone makes mistakes.

What he is asking sounds reasonable. Give him a reason to go cold turkey.
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Old 07-26-2010, 07:17 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: everyone makes mistakes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by christine30 View Post
I know I will hear the wrath of this, I have written on this site before, please see threads. It will be 1 year this weekend, and a month after our marriage, my husband got arrested for DWI – he had to wear the scam bracelet and had to attend AA classes – after the bracelet was removed he continued to drink and lie about how much he was drinking. It put a strain on our marriage, he would disrespect me to my friends and no amount of pleads would make him calm down on the drinking. It came to the point, where I became and still emotionless into the marriage, and Yes I did wrong, I looked elsewhere and cheated on him. He found out and told his parents, for he knew if he didn’t and I walked away they would of blamed him.. So in turn, he blamed me for everything – Instead of his parent having us discuss it and work it out with counseling or so, they escalated it to my family and degraded me in front of them. What I am upset and hurt is that when he found out, I told him why and how I have been telling him numerous times, that I am unhappy and we need to fix us – he agreed to all of this, and lied and went to tell his parents.
At the moment, he has moved out to his parent’s house and I am by myself – my mother and brothers want nothing to do with him, as well as his parents want nothing to do with me.
He wants to work things out and go from there, he wants to trust me again, in which I would take the steps to prove to him, but I ask him to stop drinking cold turkey – and he states he cant do that , he will calm down to 1 drink but cant stop cold turkey right now. We are at the state where I am so confused, I don’t know if I should leave and get a divorce or fight for something that deep down in my mind might never change.
I do miss him at the house, but I know I could be strong to do with out him. I do love him, but I know either what we decide will be a long road for both of us. We are both 30 years old.
What would you do?
Good luck!! If this doesn't make him quit "his choice ultimately" I don't see what will without tragedy being involved.

I may be a little progressive in my cheating mindset, but a drunk I could not be with for any length of time!! I wish you the best.
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