I dont even know why I did it..... - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #1 of 152 (permalink) Old 12-27-2013, 09:26 AM Thread Starter
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I dont even know why I did it.....

This is the answer I always get when I ask my WW about her affair, and specifically, the moron she had it with.

I mean this guy is a loser in every sense of the word and not only did she betray me, but she betrayed her son.

I was just wondering if any wayward out there just doesnt have an explanation why they had an affair. Is "I dont know why" a valid reason?

I've gone through my mind over and over and I cannot come up with one single reason why she would have an affair, and more specifically, with the loser she did it with.
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post #2 of 152 (permalink) Old 12-27-2013, 09:33 AM
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Re: I dont even know why I did it.....

There is always a "reason". Others here will call them justifications, though I believe that there is a cause and effect without having it be some ways to blameshift, minimize or excuse what was done. If she doesn't understand what caused her to make the choices she made then she should seek couseling for some deep (and probably painful) self reflection.
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post #3 of 152 (permalink) Old 12-27-2013, 09:36 AM
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Re: I dont even know why I did it.....

The reasons your wife had the affair because she wanted to do it. It is as simple as that. If she did want to have a sexual affair and put your health at risk for STD's and betray your marriage she would not have done it. She choose to do it because she wanted to do it.

Her statement that she did not know why is bull.
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post #4 of 152 (permalink) Old 12-27-2013, 09:36 AM
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Re: I dont even know why I did it.....

I'm with you; I wouldn't buy that answer. Perhaps she's hiding something else and trying to avoid further consequences. Maybe that's her way of attempting to rug sweep.

MC or IC might be an option that you'd want to explore with her. That's too much of an important question to ignore.
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post #5 of 152 (permalink) Old 12-27-2013, 09:42 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I dont even know why I did it.....

Yeah each and every time I've asked its always "I dont even know myself why....i just did it".....

We've only been to 1 session of MC and that question is going to be tackled in the next session.

I cannot come up with the slightest reason of why she would do it with him....well, except that he was available, easy, and probably the best she thought she could do with her esteem.....
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post #6 of 152 (permalink) Old 12-27-2013, 09:45 AM
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Re: I dont even know why I did it.....

Lol hawx, you just ended your own thread.
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post #7 of 152 (permalink) Old 12-27-2013, 09:50 AM
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Re: I dont even know why I did it.....

She did it because she is selfish, classless, has no integrity and, like others said, because she wanted to.

Also, she did it because she knew she could get away with it, as has been proven to be correct by the fact that you are still with her.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Best of luck to you.
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post #8 of 152 (permalink) Old 12-27-2013, 09:55 AM
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Re: I dont even know why I did it.....

I found out a while ago that a WW or WH can sit down across from you, look you straight in the eye and give you the most complete honest answer and it won't be good enough. That's not just talk, it's a fact.

I had to wait 40 years for that answer and it still wasn't good enough for me. I got the reason and it brought forth more questions, then more answers, like a dog chasing it's tail.

The hurt you feel cant be comforted by any single answer and what it does is leave a hole in your heart that will always be there.

Yeah, your heart will heal but there is a scar and when you push on it, the pain comes back.

They can tell you that they were selfish, inconsiderate, cold, horny or any other adjective you can think of and it will not repair the pain or remove the scar. I know. I waited 40 years for it and came away feeling the same way I did before I asked the question "Why."

One thing I found out was, it wasn't worth the wait.
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post #9 of 152 (permalink) Old 12-27-2013, 09:57 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I dont even know why I did it.....

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Originally Posted by Healer View Post
She did it because she is selfish, classless, has no integrity and, like others said, because she wanted to.

Also, she did it because she knew she could get away with it, as has been proven to be correct by the fact that you are still with her.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Best of luck to you.

I guess you're right. The hardest part of R, for me, is the internal conflict I have. I myself feel that I am letting her get away with it. Its been about a week and a half since shes seen me trigger. Yesterday I triggered because its been a week and a half and I felt like she was getting away with it.
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post #10 of 152 (permalink) Old 12-27-2013, 10:00 AM
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Re: I dont even know why I did it.....

It's usually an emotional choice, not a rational one, so "I don't know" actually makes sense. If people were actually reflecting and understanding themselves, they'd be far less likely to cheat as a "solution."

Bottom line, they want something and may not even know just what that is, but they're either not getting it at home or the lack is in themselves. Someone different, perhaps even your antithesis, at least is different - and different is novel and exciting, if nothing else.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Marriage: A process which joins two happy, healthy, functional people to produce a miserable, dysfunctional pair more than half the time.
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post #11 of 152 (permalink) Old 12-27-2013, 10:01 AM
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Re: I dont even know why I did it.....

A colleague at work had a fling/ONS and cheated on his wife.

I asked him why he did it and his answer was: "I don't know."

Sometimes that is the honest, yet deeply unhelpful answer.
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post #12 of 152 (permalink) Old 12-27-2013, 10:10 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I dont even know why I did it.....

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Bottom line, they want something and may not even know just what that is, but they're either not getting it at home or the lack is in themselves. Someone different, perhaps even your antithesis, at least is different - and different is novel and exciting, if nothing else.

This fool was the very definition of my antithesis. They have a son together, he is an absentee father at best, deadbeat half the time. I am a family man, taking their child and loving him as my own. In fact, out of the 3 of us, I'm the only one who had their childs best interest at heart. He also had the affair when his wife was pregnant.

He is a complete loser, cant hold a job, relies on his current wife for everything. I am successful and rely on myself to get things done. He is completely irresponsible and a cannot possibly be considered a "man" in any sense of the word.

So yeah, she picked complete antithesis.
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post #13 of 152 (permalink) Old 12-27-2013, 10:12 AM
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Re: I dont even know why I did it.....

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Originally Posted by hawx20 View Post
This is the answer I always get when I ask my WW about her affair, and specifically, the moron she had it with.

I mean this guy is a loser in every sense of the word and not only did she betray me, but she betrayed her son.

I was just wondering if any wayward out there just doesnt have an explanation why they had an affair. Is "I dont know why" a valid reason?

I've gone through my mind over and over and I cannot come up with one single reason why she would have an affair, and more specifically, with the loser she did it with.
Come on...are you really being honest with yourself, dude? You can't think of a single reason? Even the most perfect marriages a person can think of something I would imagine.

Women typically cheat for different reasons than men. Men may get caught up in the physical wooing, but women are more in the mental/emotional wooing.

Does she have a real emotional/mental connection with you as she should?
Does she feel misunderstood or like she cannot talk to you?
Is she completely satisfied sexually?
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post #14 of 152 (permalink) Old 12-27-2013, 10:15 AM
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Re: I dont even know why I did it.....

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Originally Posted by hawx20 View Post
This fool was the very definition of my antithesis. They have a son together, he is an absentee father at best, deadbeat half the time. I am a family man, taking their child and loving him as my own. In fact, out of the 3 of us, I'm the only one who had their childs best interest at heart. He also had the affair when his wife was pregnant.

He is a complete loser, cant hold a job, relies on his current wife for everything. I am successful and rely on myself to get things done. He is completely irresponsible and a cannot possibly be considered a "man" in any sense of the word.

So yeah, she picked complete antithesis.
Are you sure your wife didn't just pick you as a sucker?
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post #15 of 152 (permalink) Old 12-27-2013, 10:22 AM
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Re: I dont even know why I did it.....

Your R makes no sense either...

Maybe she cheated because she knew she isn't risking anything. She could always manipulate you back...

Hawx, how are you sure it was only once? Did she even take a polygraph?
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