Okay, here's my humble slightly self-educated, nearly useless, somewhat thought-provoking opinion.
First of all, we don't forget the one's we've spent time with loving and living with. There are good memories to all marriages or we would not have gotten married. I mean, unless there is some huge mental problem. I don't see that in your post, though.
Even wayward spouses have feelings they don't express. Generally, from the waywards I've experienced, they force these feelings to come out as anger and vitriol toward the BS. They have to justify their actions because they threw away what they worked so hard to accomplish. They believed and loved, so they must find things that are true to some extent, but raise their impact to an intolerable level. Depending on health, some of these issues really seemed like they were intolerable. Maybe some of them were?
They have to get angry or they will think they made a mistake. They can't do that. It's too painful, added to a realization that they messed up a good thing, if it truly was good. They will fight to their death to justify what they did to hurt the one they loved.
This is not in all cases. There are many different possibilities, but I believe she loved you at some point and wanted to express that love for you.
She may be tempting to placate by appealing to your softer side, which she knows exists within you because you've let things go in the past with her. She got away with things that she should have had consequences for doing, saying, etc.
Again, same as above, but she is telling you she will self-punish if you aren't willing to give her terms or consequences that when realized will allow you to forgive and return to the marriage and all the trimmings, which she thinks would be better than what she has now.
That does not mean she will be faithful. It does not mean she is committed to you and the marriage. It just means, without further actions from her at this point, that she wants to entice you into taking her back.
Who really knows what her reasons are. She probably, I'm guessing, lied to you before DDay. Is she lying now? She's probably still in denial, but you'd have to talk with her counselor to be more certain. She's giving you an opportunity to R. I would be extremely suspicious of her motives.
Just my honest guess.
Thanks for this. I would understand her trying to placate me if I was lashing out or emotionally beating her up - but I'm not - I'm simply silent. I respond to the texts I have to (stuff regarding the kids) but nothing else. I am simply non-responsive. I did respond to the xmas day text with "Merry Christmas". That's it.
She does not express anger or vitriol towards me at all. I know for a fact she did to others while we were still together - and she was a ***** when we were together. She has been soft with me since the split.
Regarding the "intolerable issues" - no. They weren't there. We worked opposite schedules (she's a ****tail waitress at a meat market) and we spent little time together - she refused to get a day job. That bar was and is her true love. I treated her well - told her I loved her everyday, gave up my social life to put HER constant cheating fears to rest (she accused me constantly for the 15 years we were together), came straight home every night to take care of the kids, got up with the kids every weekend so she could sleep all day...nice guy stuff. She threw that away for a thug that treated her like garbage. I NEVER spoke ill of her to anyone, constantly defended her to people who were always telling me I was too good for her.
I will NEVER go back to her, and she knows it. She still pines for us to be "friends" and for us to hang out and for me to communicate with her - but I won't. We have a business arrangement, that's it. I never tell her I hate her - I never have. But I do - I despise her. She emotionally abused me for years with the cheating accusations, all the while it was she who was banging other men. She destroyed my family and broke the hearts of my dear children. I would hate anyone who did that. But the hate is not active or in her face - I am civil to her. She doesn't see it...maybe she feels it though.