Sympathy for the devil
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 12-27-2013, 10:12 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Sympathy for the devil

My wife of 13 years cheated for months on end with a thug - the lowest form of human excrement she could find. Dday was November 2012. She left, destroying me and our 2 children, with no real explanation. I discovered the affair a few days later. She said she wanted to make it work, but the guilt was eating her alive and she knew I would never forgive her. She was right - after a false R, I ended things and I am divorcing her.

I am happy and much healthier mentally and physically since we split. She is miserable - living a "cold, empty life". I'll never understand her choice to betray and leave a good man and a good life. I was a good husband to her and she had it good - of course she sees that now. Regret is a helluva thing.

But what I REALLY don't understand is why she would do this when she knew what the outcome would be (divorce) and that she so badly wants me and our old life back. She constantly texts me things like "I miss you so much", "I'll always love you", "I'm so very sorry", and this one Christmas day (the kids were with me, as they mostly are): "I sometimes think that if I just do one more painful experience then I'll wake up and everything will be OK again...I wonder if today is that experience. Missing you. I'm so sorry. XO".

WTF is that?? This **** is constant. What is the mentality, the thought process here? It's not like it was a one time, uber-drunken ONS...although that would be a deal breaker too. This was months on end (that I know of), calculated deception, and she KNEW the outcome. She knew the second she spread for POSOM that she had torched the marriage and our family - but continued to do so...and now there's all this regret, wanting me back, mourning the loss of us and our family.

At first I had sympathy - or empathy...but I'm so detached and I loathe her more than any human on the planet that I feel that less and less. I'm so confused. I simply cannot wrap my head around this mentality - that someone would make calculated, deliberate choices for months on end, knowing full well what the outcome would be - and then having such huge regret and wanting to take it back, wanting back what they threw away. It's angering, confusing and bewildering. Is it stupidity? Mental illness? Pure, good old fashioned selfish cake eating? Emotional and intellectual immaturity (she's 36)?

It would be far less confusing if this was purely an exit affair and she got what she wanted and moved on with her life. But it's not that. She's MISERABLE. Her life IS cold and empty. But she knew damn well what the consequences of her sex and drug fueled double life would be.

Would she be happier if I were miserable and lonely? Is it that I'm thriving, happy and a stronger, better man than ever? It's not like she thought I'd take her back - she knew I wouldn't. But now she wants me back???

Help me understand.
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Old 12-27-2013, 10:20 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sympathy for the devil

It sounds like a mental illness.

Was she sexually abused as a child? Many Waywards were sexually abused as children. My own wife was.
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Old 12-27-2013, 10:31 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sympathy for the devil

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It sounds like a mental illness.

Was she sexually abused as a child? Many Waywards were sexually abused as children. My own wife was.
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No, she wasn't. She witnessed someone else being abused - but not her. She was treated well by everyone in her life (her bio dad was not in the picture, but she's had a step dad that treated her like gold since she was 3).
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Old 12-27-2013, 10:41 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sympathy for the devil

She has something there... I couldn't tell you what it is. My exgf had some self destructive behavior, it was due to childhood trauma but she was well past the normal spectrum.

Do you loathe your stbx or do you loathe what she did and since you cannot for the life of you figure out why, place the loathing on her?

If you understand why she did what she did, you can probably forgive her and the loathing you have for her can go away. Forgiveness is so you won't be tied to her emotional hell, not necessarily for R. Merry Christmas brother.
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Old 12-27-2013, 10:53 AM   #5 (permalink)
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At first I had sympathy - or empathy...but I'm so detached and I loathe her more than any human on the planet that I feel that less and less. I'm so confused. I simply cannot wrap my head around this mentality - that someone would make calculated, deliberate choices for months on end, knowing full well what the outcome would be - and then having such huge regret and wanting to take it back, wanting back what they threw away. It's angering, confusing and bewildering. Is it stupidity? Mental illness? Pure, good old fashioned selfish cake eating? Emotional and intellectual immaturity (she's 36)?

It would be far less confusing if this was purely an exit affair and she got what she wanted and moved on with her life. But it's not that. She's MISERABLE. Her life IS cold and empty. But she knew damn well what the consequences of her sex and drug fueled double life would be.

Help me understand.
Sorry if this sounds cold but ...... why are you wasting your time pondering this? You have freed yourself of a horrible cancer and moved on. You yourself said "I loathe her more than any human on the planet" so look forward and not backwards. I'm of the opinion, based on what I know of your story, that if she truly is this miserable, then is getting exactly what she deserves. You should have no sympathy for her whatsoever and only focus on yourself.
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Old 12-27-2013, 11:05 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sympathy for the devil

I just can't muster any sympathy for your wife based on your story.

Then again, I can't seem to generate any sympathy for my xWW either.
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Old 12-27-2013, 11:06 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sympathy for the devil

I think the answer may be that she doesn't really "own" what she did.

If she did, she'd be more resigned and philosophical about the outcome; she'd know that she screwed up and accept the consequences, she'd understand that pressuring you is selfish.

Perhaps you should help her understand that and encourage her to get into counseling. Then, stop communicating with her unless absolutely necessary.

Anyway, just my 2 cents.
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Old 12-27-2013, 11:06 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Okay, here's my humble slightly self-educated, nearly useless, somewhat thought-provoking opinion.

First of all, we don't forget the one's we've spent time with loving and living with. There are good memories to all marriages or we would not have gotten married. I mean, unless there is some huge mental problem. I don't see that in your post, though.

Even wayward spouses have feelings they don't express. Generally, from the waywards I've experienced, they force these feelings to come out as anger and vitriol toward the BS. They have to justify their actions because they threw away what they worked so hard to accomplish. They believed and loved, so they must find things that are true to some extent, but raise their impact to an intolerable level. Depending on health, some of these issues really seemed like they were intolerable. Maybe some of them were?

They have to get angry or they will think they made a mistake. They can't do that. It's too painful, added to a realization that they messed up a good thing, if it truly was good. They will fight to their death to justify what they did to hurt the one they loved.

This is not in all cases. There are many different possibilities, but I believe she loved you at some point and wanted to express that love for you.






She may be tempting to placate by appealing to your softer side, which she knows exists within you because you've let things go in the past with her. She got away with things that she should have had consequences for doing, saying, etc.





Again, same as above, but she is telling you she will self-punish if you aren't willing to give her terms or consequences that when realized will allow you to forgive and return to the marriage and all the trimmings, which she thinks would be better than what she has now.

That does not mean she will be faithful. It does not mean she is committed to you and the marriage. It just means, without further actions from her at this point, that she wants to entice you into taking her back.

Who really knows what her reasons are. She probably, I'm guessing, lied to you before DDay. Is she lying now? She's probably still in denial, but you'd have to talk with her counselor to be more certain. She's giving you an opportunity to R. I would be extremely suspicious of her motives.

Just my honest guess.
Thanks for this. I would understand her trying to placate me if I was lashing out or emotionally beating her up - but I'm not - I'm simply silent. I respond to the texts I have to (stuff regarding the kids) but nothing else. I am simply non-responsive. I did respond to the xmas day text with "Merry Christmas". That's it.

She does not express anger or vitriol towards me at all. I know for a fact she did to others while we were still together - and she was a ***** when we were together. She has been soft with me since the split.

Regarding the "intolerable issues" - no. They weren't there. We worked opposite schedules (she's a ****tail waitress at a meat market) and we spent little time together - she refused to get a day job. That bar was and is her true love. I treated her well - told her I loved her everyday, gave up my social life to put HER constant cheating fears to rest (she accused me constantly for the 15 years we were together), came straight home every night to take care of the kids, got up with the kids every weekend so she could sleep all day...nice guy stuff. She threw that away for a thug that treated her like garbage. I NEVER spoke ill of her to anyone, constantly defended her to people who were always telling me I was too good for her.

I will NEVER go back to her, and she knows it. She still pines for us to be "friends" and for us to hang out and for me to communicate with her - but I won't. We have a business arrangement, that's it. I never tell her I hate her - I never have. But I do - I despise her. She emotionally abused me for years with the cheating accusations, all the while it was she who was banging other men. She destroyed my family and broke the hearts of my dear children. I would hate anyone who did that. But the hate is not active or in her face - I am civil to her. She doesn't see it...maybe she feels it though.
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Old 12-27-2013, 11:09 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sympathy for the devil

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Sorry if this sounds cold but ...... why are you wasting your time pondering this? You have freed yourself of a horrible cancer and moved on. You yourself said "I loathe her more than any human on the planet" so look forward and not backwards. I'm of the opinion, based on what I know of your story, that if she truly is this miserable, then is getting exactly what she deserves. You should have no sympathy for her whatsoever and only focus on yourself.
I know - and I'm trying, but her constant bombardment with texts makes it so difficult, and I can't simply block her because that's how we communicate about the kids.

I am detaching, more and more each week. But she texts me as much now as she did when we were together.

She certainly is getting what she deserves, but 15 years together is a long time, and I am, admittedly, not fully detached yet. My mom said the other day "how are you ever going to be able to move on when she's always in your face?". I don't know.
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Old 12-27-2013, 11:11 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sympathy for the devil

She is still selfish. She got the high from her cheating addiction.

She still want to cake eat. She somehow thinks that if she, the princess, tells you what she wants, she will somehow get that back.

She wants you to sweep it all under the rug, take her back, let her cheat again, take her back and let her cheat again and again.

So glad that she is not married to you now. I would try to only communicate with her regarding your children, and ask her to do the same. She is still extremely selfish.

I hope you find even more happiness in the new year. Continue the 180.
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Old 12-27-2013, 11:14 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I know - and I'm trying, but her constant bombardment with texts makes it so difficult, and I can't simply block her because that's how we communicate about the kids.

I am detaching, more and more each week. But she texts me as much now as she did when we were together.

She certainly is getting what she deserves, but 15 years together is a long time, and I am, admittedly, not fully detached yet. My mom said the other day "how are you ever going to be able to move on when she's always in your face?". I don't know.
You get her out of your face... Get a secondary phone just a cheap one with text only, just for her and when you have the kids, you turn it off and put it away until needed. You open the door and you push her out strongly and slowly until she is gone. She realizes what she had. Forgive her brother. She is human. forgive her so you can move on without that emotional attachment to her.
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Old 12-27-2013, 11:17 AM   #12 (permalink)
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No, she wasn't. She witnessed someone else being abused - but not her. She was treated well by everyone in her life (her bio dad was not in the picture, but she's had a step dad that treated her like gold since she was 3).
Then is it possible she over-identified with the person who was abused?
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Old 12-27-2013, 11:20 AM   #13 (permalink)
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She is still selfish. She got the high from her cheating addiction.

She still want to cake eat. She somehow thinks that if she, the princess, tells you what she wants, she will somehow get that back.

She wants you to sweep it all under the rug, take her back, let her cheat again, take her back and let her cheat again and again.

So glad that she is not married to you now. I would try to only communicate with her regarding your children, and ask her to do the same. She is still extremely selfish.

I hope you find even more happiness in the new year. Continue the 180.
Thanks Harry - and I agree. She is STILL selfish. She needs to let me be, but she won't. I do only communicate about the kids - I don't respond to the other stuff.

She even often writes "sorry, I'll leave you alone", or "Sorry, I know you don't want to hear this stuff". Yet she continues.

The 180 and her seeing me thrive drives her bat**** crazy.
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Old 12-27-2013, 11:21 AM   #14 (permalink)
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You get her out of your face... Get a secondary phone just a cheap one with text only, just for her and when you have the kids, you turn it off and put it away until needed. You open the door and you push her out strongly and slowly until she is gone. She realizes what she had. Forgive her brother. She is human. forgive her so you can move on without that emotional attachment to her.
I know I have to.
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Old 12-27-2013, 11:21 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Then is it possible she over-identified with the person who was abused?
Yes - it was her half sister.
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