Do People Ever Think, "It Was My Fault"?
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Do People Ever Think, "It Was My Fault"?

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 12-27-2013, 10:17 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Do People Ever Think, "It Was My Fault"?

I am just curious if/when people experience a cheating spouse whether they think to themselves that it was their own fault? If you are not giving your partner what they need emotionally, physically, financially, or otherwise, is it ever justified to be cheated on?
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Old 12-27-2013, 10:22 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do People Ever Think, "It Was My Fault"?

Yes. I thought it was my fault. I realised afterwards that it wasn't but the initial reaction is often: "What did I do that caused this?"
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Old 12-27-2013, 10:23 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do People Ever Think, "It Was My Fault"?

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Originally Posted by RunFromYourWife View Post
If you are not giving your partner what they need emotionally, physically, financially, or otherwise, is it ever justified to be cheated on?
It is never justified. And yes, many BSs believe the affair was their fault, including me at the time of discovery. It is an odd but pretty common reaction.
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Old 12-27-2013, 10:34 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do People Ever Think, "It Was My Fault"?

It would be very unusual for that thought not to go through a BS's mind, to some degree, after Dday. It's human nature. Particularly when dealing with the devastation and most likely, a period of hysterical bonding. But it's a temporary thought process.

One of the most important things I've learned from TAM, is that no matter what the BS's marital issues; it's not the BS's fault - in any way, shape or form. I learned this despite an incompetent counselor who tried to convince me otherwise.
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Old 12-27-2013, 10:44 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do People Ever Think, "It Was My Fault"?

I absolutely went through the it's my fault process. It helped me with my own introspection and helped me become a better man.

I also found that her excuse for cheating being my fault was utter bovine excrement.
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Old 12-27-2013, 10:58 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do People Ever Think, "It Was My Fault"?

My ex wife did the "I never would have if you just..." and "if it wasn't for you..." lines ALLL the time.
She still does it, absolutely no remorse. It just helps me hate her that much more.
I have always been completely faithful to any SO and believe under no circumstance is cheating justified. If you're unhappy just leave the relationship, it takes some awful kind of evil inside to knowingly and willingly betray and hurt someone you supposedly love.
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Old 12-27-2013, 10:59 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do People Ever Think, "It Was My Fault"?

When caught, my cheating wife was very clear that her cheating was my fault. I didn't make enough money to provide the lifestyle she wanted so she was entitled in her mind.

We are now divorced.
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Old 12-27-2013, 11:22 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do People Ever Think, "It Was My Fault"?

It was complete crap when it happened to me. There is no doubt that other circumstances had me already in the ****tiest time in my life, and it was horrible for my husband to have turned to someone else then. I never once thought it was my fault.

I did however, recognize that I was self absorbed, distant, and an emotional wreck for a ling time before it happened. There was nothing left to give to him. He felt alone.

Let me be clear though-it was NOT OK. It was not my fault. But I kind of understood where it came from, if that makes sense.
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Old 12-27-2013, 11:30 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do People Ever Think, "It Was My Fault"?

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Originally Posted by workindad View Post
When caught, my cheating wife was very clear that her cheating was my fault. I didn't make enough money to provide the lifestyle she wanted so she was entitled in her mind.

We are now divorced.
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How's her glistening "lifestyle" holding up now?
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Old 12-27-2013, 11:30 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do People Ever Think, "It Was My Fault"?

Never have I thought it was my fault. Maybe thats why I dont take it as hard as I should. In my situation, she betrayed her own son much more than she betrayed me. No, she did this strictly for her selfish reasons.
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Old 12-27-2013, 11:55 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do People Ever Think, "It Was My Fault"?

I have done that to myself. If only I hadn't asked my best friend to call my husband to give him a message. That phone conversation launched their EA and I am the one who gave her his direct phone number at work.
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Old 12-27-2013, 12:02 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do People Ever Think, "It Was My Fault"?

"is it ever justified to be cheated on?"

Is this a serious question?
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Old 12-27-2013, 07:27 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do People Ever Think, "It Was My Fault"?

Of course! "I'm not (insert adjective) enough" runs through your head over and over, but eventually you find out that cheating has nothing to do with you. Depending on what kind of cheater (like my WH), they are so good at compartmentalizing that they honestly believe they still love you and care for you while going after some strange.

Cheaters are just damaged. Everything I have read on the topic points to the cheater's problem being the cheater's problem.
The ones who have gone through therapy (or are just gutsy enough to admit it) will tell you the same. For whatever little it's worth, my WH doesn't blame me. Gets angry when I go into "woe is me" mode and blurts out "It. Had. Nothing. To. Do. With. You. It was about me, things that happened to me, things that I wasn't dealing with" (background - he was an addict of just about everything - alcohol & porn mainly. No illicit drugs - couldn't do those in his line of work, random tests, etc.)

I feel sorry for those whose WSs are still in the fog of believing they have done nothing wrong. My situation sucks, but at least WH is at the point of taking responsibility - some people don't even get that.
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Old 12-27-2013, 07:47 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do People Ever Think, "It Was My Fault"?

Actually, I must make it clear that my wife told me in no uncertain terms that her decision to cheat on me was not my fault at all. But I still blamed myself.
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Old 12-27-2013, 07:55 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do People Ever Think, "It Was My Fault"?

Yes, I blamed myself.
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