Do People Ever Think, "It Was My Fault"?
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Do People Ever Think, "It Was My Fault"?

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Like Tree73Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 12-27-2013, 10:17 AM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 
RunFromYourWife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 104
Default Do People Ever Think, "It Was My Fault"?

I am just curious if/when people experience a cheating spouse whether they think to themselves that it was their own fault? If you are not giving your partner what they need emotionally, physically, financially, or otherwise, is it ever justified to be cheated on?
RunFromYourWife is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 12-27-2013, 10:22 AM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
MattMatt's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: England
Posts: 9,972
Default Re: Do People Ever Think, "It Was My Fault"?

Yes. I thought it was my fault. I realised afterwards that it wasn't but the initial reaction is often: "What did I do that caused this?"
Posted via Mobile Device
MattMatt is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-27-2013, 10:23 AM   #3 (permalink)
Moderator
 
Amplexor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Posts: 5,514
Default Re: Do People Ever Think, "It Was My Fault"?

Quote:
Originally Posted by RunFromYourWife View Post
If you are not giving your partner what they need emotionally, physically, financially, or otherwise, is it ever justified to be cheated on?
It is never justified. And yes, many BSs believe the affair was their fault, including me at the time of discovery. It is an odd but pretty common reaction.
__________________
Amp

Confidence Love Patience Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp
Amplexor is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-27-2013, 10:34 AM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
badmemory's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,558
Default Re: Do People Ever Think, "It Was My Fault"?

It would be very unusual for that thought not to go through a BS's mind, to some degree, after Dday. It's human nature. Particularly when dealing with the devastation and most likely, a period of hysterical bonding. But it's a temporary thought process.

One of the most important things I've learned from TAM, is that no matter what the BS's marital issues; it's not the BS's fault - in any way, shape or form. I learned this despite an incompetent counselor who tried to convince me otherwise.
badmemory is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-27-2013, 10:44 AM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
MovingAhead's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 878
Default Re: Do People Ever Think, "It Was My Fault"?

I absolutely went through the it's my fault process. It helped me with my own introspection and helped me become a better man.

I also found that her excuse for cheating being my fault was utter bovine excrement.
MovingAhead is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-27-2013, 10:58 AM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Another Planet's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 1,832
Default Re: Do People Ever Think, "It Was My Fault"?

My ex wife did the "I never would have if you just..." and "if it wasn't for you..." lines ALLL the time.
She still does it, absolutely no remorse. It just helps me hate her that much more.
I have always been completely faithful to any SO and believe under no circumstance is cheating justified. If you're unhappy just leave the relationship, it takes some awful kind of evil inside to knowingly and willingly betray and hurt someone you supposedly love.
Another Planet is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-27-2013, 10:59 AM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1,338
Default Re: Do People Ever Think, "It Was My Fault"?

When caught, my cheating wife was very clear that her cheating was my fault. I didn't make enough money to provide the lifestyle she wanted so she was entitled in her mind.

We are now divorced.
Posted via Mobile Device
workindad is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-27-2013, 11:22 AM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 303
Default Re: Do People Ever Think, "It Was My Fault"?

It was complete crap when it happened to me. There is no doubt that other circumstances had me already in the ****tiest time in my life, and it was horrible for my husband to have turned to someone else then. I never once thought it was my fault.

I did however, recognize that I was self absorbed, distant, and an emotional wreck for a ling time before it happened. There was nothing left to give to him. He felt alone.

Let me be clear though-it was NOT OK. It was not my fault. But I kind of understood where it came from, if that makes sense.
TooNice is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-27-2013, 11:30 AM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
verpin zal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: The City of İstanbul
Posts: 453
Default Re: Do People Ever Think, "It Was My Fault"?

Quote:
Originally Posted by workindad View Post
When caught, my cheating wife was very clear that her cheating was my fault. I didn't make enough money to provide the lifestyle she wanted so she was entitled in her mind.

We are now divorced.
Posted via Mobile Device
How's her glistening "lifestyle" holding up now?
verpin zal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-27-2013, 11:30 AM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 472
Default Re: Do People Ever Think, "It Was My Fault"?

Never have I thought it was my fault. Maybe thats why I dont take it as hard as I should. In my situation, she betrayed her own son much more than she betrayed me. No, she did this strictly for her selfish reasons.
hawx20 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-27-2013, 11:55 AM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 118
Default Re: Do People Ever Think, "It Was My Fault"?

I have done that to myself. If only I hadn't asked my best friend to call my husband to give him a message. That phone conversation launched their EA and I am the one who gave her his direct phone number at work.
berries is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-27-2013, 12:02 PM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Canukistan
Posts: 1,078
Default Re: Do People Ever Think, "It Was My Fault"?

"is it ever justified to be cheated on?"

Is this a serious question?
Healer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-27-2013, 07:27 PM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: United States
Posts: 237
Default Re: Do People Ever Think, "It Was My Fault"?

Of course! "I'm not (insert adjective) enough" runs through your head over and over, but eventually you find out that cheating has nothing to do with you. Depending on what kind of cheater (like my WH), they are so good at compartmentalizing that they honestly believe they still love you and care for you while going after some strange.

Cheaters are just damaged. Everything I have read on the topic points to the cheater's problem being the cheater's problem.
The ones who have gone through therapy (or are just gutsy enough to admit it) will tell you the same. For whatever little it's worth, my WH doesn't blame me. Gets angry when I go into "woe is me" mode and blurts out "It. Had. Nothing. To. Do. With. You. It was about me, things that happened to me, things that I wasn't dealing with" (background - he was an addict of just about everything - alcohol & porn mainly. No illicit drugs - couldn't do those in his line of work, random tests, etc.)

I feel sorry for those whose WSs are still in the fog of believing they have done nothing wrong. My situation sucks, but at least WH is at the point of taking responsibility - some people don't even get that.
ScorchedEarth is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-27-2013, 07:47 PM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
MattMatt's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: England
Posts: 9,972
Default Re: Do People Ever Think, "It Was My Fault"?

Actually, I must make it clear that my wife told me in no uncertain terms that her decision to cheat on me was not my fault at all. But I still blamed myself.
__________________
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
MattMatt is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-27-2013, 07:55 PM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
ne9907's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Narnia
Posts: 1,639
Default Re: Do People Ever Think, "It Was My Fault"?

Yes, I blamed myself.
__________________
Ignorance may be bliss, but facing the truth and going through it, is enlightenment.
ne9907 is online now   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Ah, Who Cares, These People are "Rich" Conrad Politics and Religion 0 09-25-2013 10:21 PM
People use the verb "to use" in place of "to watch" porn to shame men. BrockLanders The Men's Clubhouse 462 08-30-2013 06:36 PM
How "Cheating" becomes people "Change"... Shooboomafoo Coping with Infidelity 23 11-14-2011 03:32 PM
Has anyone read "When Good People Have Affairs"? it-guy Coping with Infidelity 20 05-03-2011 05:49 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 08:35 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage