Solicitation for Opinions
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - Online Counseling - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Solicitation for Opinions

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Like Tree48Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 12-27-2013, 11:09 AM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 
MovingAhead's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 871
Default Solicitation for Opinions

I've been here a year. My background story is my signature.

Christmas: I have to hand the kids over. It was very difficult for me. Traumatic is a word I would use especially since the handoff wasn't easy. The emotions died down etc... then I went to my family's for dinner.

***

I'm talking with my dad. He gives me these cards, one for me, and then one for each of my sons, and then one for my EXW. I was there sitting there in a WTF moment. The last time I was over his house, I took the picture of my family, me, her, and the boys and threw it away. I replaced it with pictures of my boys and their cousin in nice big frames.

I hand the card back and he tells me he will look up her address and send it to her. He just wanted me to give it to her. I decided that I would take it. My dad told me that my EX sent him pictures of the boys. This had me greatly surprised and I had a second WTF? moment. She has not spoken to my parents since Dday.

So I get home and as I am getting all the cards for all of the boys, the card to her had some freakish accident. The envelope that it was in fell and cut itself on my hunting knife and the card fell open on the table.

My dad is telling her how much he terribly misses her and that he is always there for her.

Now I do not speak to my EX. Her parents and I have no communication. My EX has been seeing my old next door neighbor for over a year and hence I moved. I believe that my dad is being the better man and I know he is a better man than I am. It gives me a ideal to strive for.

My EX betrayed her family. She hasn't been a mother to her two older adopted children for over two years and I am the one carrying the water. I am in the midst of taking her to court now for full custody of the children.

I have no qualms with my dad. He is his own man and he will do what he thinks is right.

Why would my EX, who wrote my parents off go out of her way to contact them and write them something nice? I don't interfere with her circles. This is my family. Why would she reach out and be nice to my family since she hasn't done anything for years? I brought them great pictures. I totally feel that she stepped over the line and is intruding on my fortress of solitude. I will never let her know that because I honestly believe that she provokes me to get a rise out of me.

Now I don't need input of the unfortunate demise of the letter. It was a 'Lemony Snicket's' moment. What I am curious is as to why my EX is reaching out to my family. I have been trying to get rid of her in my life in all possible ways for the last year except for what is absolutely needed for communication.

Any thoughts on the motives? I have my own but I'd like to know others here because I think it is more than one thing.
MovingAhead is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 12-27-2013, 11:21 AM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
MattMatt's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: England
Posts: 9,369
Default Re: Solicitation for Opinions

She might be in counselling? "Reaching out to those you hurt" sounds like the advice a counsellor might give to someone.

Or a ruse to enable her to keep custody? (See that? My Mr Cynical persona just snuck up on me!)
__________________
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
MattMatt is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-27-2013, 11:23 AM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
MovingAhead's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 871
Default Re: Solicitation for Opinions

Quote:
Originally Posted by MattMatt View Post
She might be in counselling? "Reaching out to those you hurt" sounds like the advice a counsellor might give to someone.

Or a ruse to enable her to keep custody? (See that? My Mr Cynical persona just snuck up on me!)
She is not in counseling. I have suggested that to her on several occasions. She also has never said sorry to me or the kids for anything that she has ever done. I'm wondering why she reached out to my parents. I am not discounting what you are saying Matt, just clarifying.
MovingAhead is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-27-2013, 11:29 AM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1,783
Default Re: Solicitation for Opinions

My dad is telling her how much he terribly misses her and that he is always there for her.

I really don't get this. I think Dad is out of line and you're letting him off too easily.
Philat is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-27-2013, 11:35 AM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
MattMatt's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: England
Posts: 9,369
Default Re: Solicitation for Opinions

Quote:
Originally Posted by MovingAhead View Post
She is not in counseling. I have suggested that to her on several occasions. She also has never said sorry to me or the kids for anything that she has ever done. I'm wondering why she reached out to my parents. I am not discounting what you are saying Matt, just clarifying.
In that case I'd go for option "B".
Quote:
"See, your honour? I am trying to reach out to my former in-laws! Sob! Sob! I do so want to be a good mother. Sniff! So I should keep custody of the children. Of course, I'd love for their grandparents to be involved. And naturally, my ex-husband, too!"
Watch her! She's up to something!
__________________
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
MattMatt is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-27-2013, 11:41 AM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 541
Default Re: Solicitation for Opinions

Quote:
Originally Posted by Philat View Post
My dad is telling her how much he terribly misses her and that he is always there for her.

I really don't get this. I think Dad is out of line and you're letting him off too easily.
I do agree with Philat.

I think this is wrong of your dad to get himself involved. Its almost like he is picking a side to be on.

I hate this kind of stuff.

Clay
Clay2013 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-27-2013, 11:41 AM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 2,455
Default Re: Solicitation for Opinions

She is looking to re-establish contact with them and get on their good side.

If they are such nice people, she probably genuinely likes them, though I would not attribute that as a motive, at least not the primary one.

I hope you take no offense, but aside from pedophiles and rapists and murderers and major fraudsters, your ex is one of the worst people I have ever heard of. At least one of the most selfish. So I have a hard time attributing any motive other than a selfish one. A few that come to mind:

1. First and foremost, to get them to testify in her behalf at the custody hearing.

2. To make them think that everything you say about her is an exaggeration or a lie (she always seems super nice to us and goes out of her way to make nice with us).

3. To provoke you into doing something regarding the custody hearing.

4. To ask them for money?

5. Something for her own personal benefit.

Stop talking sh1t to your parents and family about your ex until after the custody hearing. Apparently she is able to fool them or they are extremely forgiving people. If my son was in a similar situation as yours, and I had heard the things that his ex had done, there is no way I could ever be civil with her again. EVER. Even if she apologized 1000 times, the best I think I could ever feel about her is "stay away from me and don't contact me."
Will_Kane is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-27-2013, 11:44 AM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Spain
Posts: 4,162
Default Re: Solicitation for Opinions

Quote:
Originally Posted by MovingAhead View Post
She has not spoken to my parents since Dday.
Quote:
My EX betrayed her family. She hasn't been a mother to her two older adopted children for over two years and I am the one carrying the water. I am in the midst of taking her to court now for full custody of the children.
Quote:
My dad is telling her how much he terribly misses her and that he is always there for her.
...................
I have no qualms with my dad. He is his own man and he will do what he thinks is right.
I changed the order on porpouse. So...
Quote:
Why would my EX, who wrote my parents off go out of her way to contact them and write them something nice?
Is it possible she knows you are going to sue for full custody and she - knowing you Dad would be more in her camp - is trying to mend that bridge in case he can help her case?
__________________
Mal de muchos, consuelo de tontos
Acabado is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-27-2013, 12:04 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
warlock07's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 6,401
Default Re: Solicitation for Opinions

Money ?


Hurting you...
warlock07 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-27-2013, 12:25 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
MovingAhead's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 871
Default Re: Solicitation for Opinions

I agree with this.

I do not talk about custody with my family. I only mentioned it on Thanksgiving. I do believe that she is trying to butter them up so as to mitigate what they would say in court, however, they are not on my list to call as witnesses.

My mother has Alzheimer's. My father is not in a great state but he wants what would be best for his grandchildren. My father did not insert himself in this. She reached out to him and he was being kind to her. I cannot fault him for that. Please don't get me wrong, I sure as HELL do not like it.

I believe she is up to something as well. I don't need my parents to testify. I documented everything. I would never call my parents to court either.

I have friends that I am very close with. They are closer to me than my family. I keep my family out of this mess.

I don't trust her. My father is not in great health so I would have never involved him in this. Why she felt like she should contact him this Christmas makes so sense to me.

I have ADD badly so I can get distracted but I have focus on finishing this court case because I really believe it will go well and in my favor. She does things to distract me or get a rise out of me etc... For the most part I just brush them off.
MovingAhead is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-27-2013, 12:45 PM   #11 (permalink)
TRy
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,392
Default Re: Solicitation for Opinions

Quote:
Originally Posted by MovingAhead View Post
The envelope that it was in fell and cut itself on my hunting knife and the card fell open on the table
Quote:
Originally Posted by MovingAhead View Post
My dad is telling her how much he terribly misses her and that he is always there for her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MovingAhead View Post
I believe that my dad is being the better man and I know he is a better man than I am.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MovingAhead View Post
My EX betrayed her family. She hasn't been a mother to her two older adopted children for over two years and I am the one carrying the water. I am in the midst of taking her to court now for full custody of the children.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MovingAhead View Post
Any thoughts on the motives?
Your dad is not being the better man. He is betraying you at a time that you and your children need him to be fully on your side as you rightfully fight for full custody. Your father’s card to your cheating ex is exactly what an attorney would need to defeat your motion for full custody, as it shows that even your own father supports her. The fact that your father was going to mail it to her even if you were against it and upset about it, shows his level of disrespect for you. When she has your father testify, and he speaks his truth about her and you, you will not get full custody. The problem is that if you discuss this now with your father, he will disclose this discussion and hurt you even more. BTW, you already give your father full access to his grandchildren, and full custody by you would insure that even more, so he is not doing this for better access to the grandchildren.

I feel very bad for you. First your wife and now your own father. People that you thought had your back, but instead stab you in the back. You sound like a decent person. You will find other decent people to have in your life. Sometimes you need to find out who does not have your back in order to make the effort to find people that do. Give it time. Things will get better. Good luck and be well. I am pulling for you and your children.
TRy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-27-2013, 01:09 PM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
MovingAhead's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 871
Default Re: Solicitation for Opinions

My dad is not betraying me. He doesn't know about the court case. My dad is very old, almost 90. I appreciate your input. I kept my parents out of the divorce for a reason. He just wants his offspring to be happy. It is the well wishing of an old man and my EX was pulling at his heart strings.

I have my kids today. We are cleaning up after the Christmas storm and I have a date with a stunning brunette tonight. I'm going to see if Santa left anything under the tree for me.
MovingAhead is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-27-2013, 01:16 PM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: CA
Posts: 3,646
Default Re: Solicitation for Opinions

I agree with the posters who have pointed out how selfish and blatantly hurtful your xW is. She stands out on TAM as a WW who very much does not care how much she hurts her BH.

This smells like some buttering up in advance of the custody hearing. Does she know that your father isn't on your list? Is it possible for her to derail you by calling him to testify?

I'm a direct person and, were I in your situation with my father, I would tell him that I need and expect him to have my back and that he has to stop contact with her.
alte Dame is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-27-2013, 01:43 PM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
MovingAhead's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 871
Default Re: Solicitation for Opinions

Quote:
Originally Posted by alte Dame View Post
This smells like some buttering up in advance of the custody hearing. Does she know that your father isn't on your list? Is it possible for her to derail you by calling him to testify?
It is technically possible for her to call him to testify. It would be absolutely foolish on her part.

My parents have seen their grandchildren only a few times since the divorce. The people who are called are the ones who see things day to day, not our parents. My parents don't have direct knowledge of my kids day to day affairs.



Quote:
Originally Posted by alte Dame View Post
I'm a direct person and, were I in your situation with my father, I would tell him that I need and expect him to have my back and that he has to stop contact with her.
I understand what you are saying. My father has not seen her since we are divorced. He cannot speak to the court about her in any way.

Now here is the kicker. My court case is based on the kids, their behavior and wishes, their school work, practices etc... My EX has called the police on her two oldest children 3 times after the divorce. My case is not based on the testimony of an 87 year old man but on my EX's actions. My father has no knowledge of this. I have kept my cards very close. There is an end in sight and I believe it will be better for all involved once this is finally settled. I am sure come June 1, I will have a very long post about it.
MovingAhead is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-27-2013, 02:21 PM   #15 (permalink)
TRy
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,392
Default Re: Solicitation for Opinions

Quote:
Originally Posted by MovingAhead View Post
My dad is not betraying me. He doesn't know about the court case. My dad is very old, almost 90. I appreciate your input. I kept my parents out of the divorce for a reason. He just wants his offspring to be happy. It is the well wishing of an old man and my EX was pulling at his heart strings.
This shows that you are a good person that has your father's back no matter what. I will let it go at that. Again, good luck and be well.
TRy is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
need mostly Male opinions on this one. but Female opinions fully accepted too somethingelse Coping with Infidelity 128 08-21-2012 10:46 PM
need outside opinions, not sure what to do joejoemonkeyjoe General Relationship Discussion 7 07-03-2012 06:00 PM
Am new here and I really need some opinions mimi_23_mimi General Relationship Discussion 3 07-14-2011 08:23 AM
Need a few opinions here. please help pmuzzer General Relationship Discussion 3 08-31-2010 06:06 AM
Need opinions on this Brewster 59 Considering Divorce or Separation 13 08-08-2010 07:03 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads





Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:48 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage