Finally figured out my husband is cheating. Don't know what to do
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Finally figured out my husband is cheating. Don't know what to do

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 12-27-2013, 11:53 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Finally figured out my husband is cheating. Don't know what to do

I found my way here through a google search on trying to figure out why people cheat. I’m hoping someone here can give me some advice and give me some hope that my marriage can be salvaged. I’ve been married for 8 years. Me and my husband have 2 daughters together (ages 7 and 3). We have separated in the past but it was over money problems and sexual differences. We have never had any problems of infidelity and though I am a flirt myself, I’ve never cheated on my husband. My problem started last week when my daughter was begging me to find her leap pad. I checked both of our vehicles including my husbands. In the back of his car, I found a bag from Victoria’s Secret. I was curious so I decided to take a peep inside. It was a nice lingerie set. I didn’t bother to fully take it out or check the size because I assumed it was for me on Christmas. Honestly, it made me feel good to see it because it has been months since he bought me something like this. We’ve been so busy leading up to Christmas that I never really thought back about it. I hadn’t thought back on it until Christmas, when all of the gifts had been opened and none of them were the lingerie set.
My parents are in town and they’ve been with us since the 23rd. I assumed that maybe he didn’t want to give it to me in front of everyone since he thought I may have been embarrassed. So Christmas night comes and still no lingerie set. By then, I’m still having a good time especially since my kids are happy and I’m spending quality time with my parents. Still, I couldn’t get the thought out of my mind about the lingerie set. I ran through tons of scenarios on it. I tried to convince myself that he returned it but some part of me couldn’t believe that. He doesn’t know it but I’ve known his cell phone password for months. We both keep passwords on our phones since the 3 year gets on them and causes havoc if there is no code. I used to check his phone years ago but never recently. I had no reason to check it since I fully trust him. What I found troubled me and has left me in tears for the past day. There are text messages and picture messages from a woman I work with. She is a good friend of the family and knows my husband and children very well. What really tore me up was a picture of her wearing the lingerie that I saw in the back of the car. She sent him the picture on Christmas with a text about how she can’t wait until he takes it off her in person. I’ve known this woman for 6 years and I would have considered her to be a close friend prior to this. I can’t even to begin to describe how close our families are. To add more BS to the mix, she is engaged to be married to her 2nd husband.
So I’ve been holding this in for a couple days now and I don’t know what to do. Right now, I hate both of them. I wanted to blow up as soon as I found everything but I don’t want to spoil the holiday for my kids or parents. I haven’t talked to anyone about this but I feel I need to confront my husband on this. I’m expecting him to deny this but I know what I saw. I return to work on the 3rd and I will see her then. I don’t know how to begin to deal with this because I’ve been blindsided. I’m really leaning towards divorce but this is hard because I do still love my husband and my kids. I’m totally lost so on where to go from here but my gut tells me to just blow up. This has to be the worst thing I’ve ever had to face.
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Old 12-28-2013, 12:15 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Finally figured out my husband is cheating. Don't know what to do

If you are leaning toward divorce, hold off on confronting and go see a lawyer Monday morning and find out if getting proof of his adultery will help you financially or custody-wise in the divorce and if so what proof you need. Also, it is good to find out how a divorce will play out, it will give you confidence for when you confront him. Before confronting, do what your lawyer advises, which might include taking half of your money from the joint account and putting it in a separate account in your name only.

After you see the lawyer, assuming the infidelity will be a non-issue in your divorce (it does not make any difference in most jurisdictions, although it does in some), I have a couple of options for how to confront:

1. Call the other woman's fiancé, and tell him what you found. Do not call the other woman or talk to your husband, let them find out from her fiancé.

2. File for divorce and have your husband served. Let him find out that way. This does not mean that you WILL divorce, the divorce process takes a while, but it does show your husband that you are ready to divorce. Sometimes it takes realizing what you are going to lose before you appreciate it.

3. Confront your husband and tell him you found proof of his affair, but you are not going to tell him what it is or how you found out. As a general rule, never give up your sources of information or they will dry up. Let them think that you were told by someone else who spotted them or found out about them. Tell him you want the whole truth, if you don't get it you are filing for divorce, if you do get it, you will consider reconciling.
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Old 12-28-2013, 12:22 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Finally figured out my husband is cheating. Don't know what to do

Sorry that you are here.

First thing first. Save all of your evidence, make multiple copies. Create a new email account, send them there. Save in USB stick and keep it in a safe deposit box, etc.

You need this when you confront him. More often than not, a cheating spouse will deny. They will gaslight and blameshift you. You need this solid proof to remind yourself that you are not crazy or imagining things.

Second, do not listen to him if he tries to blame you. You are only partially responsible for (if any) problems in your marriage, but he is fully to blame for his choice to cheat.

Third, you do not need to decide to divorce or reconcile now. Take your time. But once you confront, you must make it clear to him, in no uncertain terms, that you are not going to put up with his cake-eating, fence-sitting or continuing affair while you decide what to do. If he refuse to cut all contacts or just hides his affair further underground, show him where the door is at (he may refuse and you cannot legally force him out of the marital home, but try to tell him to leave anyway). If he refuses to leave, tell him to sleep in your guest room.

Fourth, since the AP is someone you considered to be a close friend, it's a double betrayal to you. You need to inform her fiance and send him the evidence before it's too late for him. He needs and deserves to know the true color of a woman he is about to marry. It's clear that she is not your friend, so you may want to consider looking for another job.

Fifth, you may want to consider the pros and cons of exposing this affair to your family and co-workers. I think they need to know who he (and she) really is. Finding out your husband cheats with a stranger is bad enough. Finding out your husband cheats with your friend is a huge blow. You will need counseling to deal.

Sixth, take a good care of yourself. If you have trouble sleeping, consult a physician. Force yourself to eat healthy food and exercise. Maintain your routine. You need it to keep your sanity.

Hug.
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Old 12-28-2013, 01:20 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Finally figured out my husband is cheating. Don't know what to do

Thanks for the advice. My parents don't leave until the 2nd so I don't think I will take action until then. Should I talk to him before then? He knows something is up because he told me earlier that I haven't been myself. This has been on my mind heavy and I don't know how I am holding it together. I will go through his phone again and try to forward everything to my phone. I hope when I confront him, He tells me the truth.
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Old 12-28-2013, 06:07 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Rosemm11 View Post
Thanks for the advice. My parents don't leave until the 2nd so I don't think I will take action until then. Should I talk to him before then? He knows something is up because he told me earlier that I haven't been myself. This has been on my mind heavy and I don't know how I am holding it together. I will go through his phone again and try to forward everything to my phone. I hope when I confront him, He tells me the truth.
I wouldn't wait until your parents are gone. You will need support from people on your side...use them. Confide in them. Blow your husbands and treacherous friends world apart before they can wish wach other a new year. Forward the picture from your husbands phone to that woman's fiance. Wow, if someone I was friends with and worked with was screwing my husband, there is nothing that would keep me from tearing her eyes out and humiliating her.
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Old 12-28-2013, 08:13 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Finally figured out my husband is cheating. Don't know what to do

Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

The above link should have some helpful info for you.

Definitely get the copies made FIRST. Your H will erase everything once you confront.

The fiance is the first person you should tell. But once he knows, you have no idea how soon after that he'll confront her, so you need to be prepared to confront your husband ASAP after that.

You know your parents better than anyone. IF you do decide to try to reconcile, they may be less forgiving than you. "Exposure" - telling people about the affair - is designed to get someone to stop it. Your husband may stop the affair just by exposing to the fiance, so exposure to your parents may be overkill - if they know what he's done to you, they may never forgive him for it, even if you do eventually. (And don't worry about forgiving anytime soon - most people in reconciliation don't get to the forgiveness stage for a LONG time; there has to be a lot of remorse and a lot of healing FIRST!)

On the other hand, having their support may be extremely beneficial to you at this very difficult time. You know them best.

Reconciliation is an option, but so is divorce. YOU are now in charge. He made a unilateral choice to cheat. Now you get the unilateral choice about what happens from this point. Don't decide anything right away, but do be aware that it's YOU who now gets to decide.
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Old 12-28-2013, 10:29 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Finally figured out my husband is cheating. Don't know what to do

Rose,

the fact that you did not explode and confront when you saw the incriminating proof of their affair makes me think that you can work under pressure and keep your cool.
I admire you for that-I could not have done it.

You need a plan of action if you want to destroy their affair and the first thing to do is to collect as much evidence as you can and keep it secure. Thus, when you start exposing, they could not deny and belittle their affair in the face of hard evidence.
Be prepared for trickle truth and outright lies-we only kissed, bla bla, we are only friends,, then yes, we did it but only oral, then, yes, I slept with her but only once, bla bla....

When you expose to her boyfriend, he might not believe you at first and she will do anything in her power to portray you as an unstable, crazy coworker to him to deny the affair.

If you can, sit tight, gather the evidence and confront after your parents are gone. You do not want them watching a potentially ugly scene when everything comes to light. They might even decide to leave.

There is a long road ahead if you decide to reconcile. Do the preparations right now and see how things pan out later.
And, check yourself for STD's.

Be strong and calm. Wish you all the best.
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Old 01-02-2014, 05:03 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Finally figured out my husband is cheating. Don't know what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rosemm11 View Post
I hope when I confront him, He tells me the truth.
I suppose it's possible he'll tell the truth, but highly unlikely. He'll blame you for snooping on him. He'll blame you for not fulfilling this need or that...he'll turn it all onto you, and he will not tell the truth...

First he'll deny their connection
Then he'll deny he bought her anything
He'll say they kissed and it's harmless fun

Prepare for little bits of much less than the full truth.

today is the 2nd, your parent's have gone, any update on your confront?
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Old 01-02-2014, 05:53 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Finally figured out my husband is cheating. Don't know what to do

What will your former friend's fiancée say when these emails, texts and images are forwarded to him?
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Old 01-02-2014, 05:56 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Finally figured out my husband is cheating. Don't know what to do

I'm a jerk. Before I confronted him, I'd ask what happened to the lingerie that you stumbled upon in the car. I'd watch him build an elaborate story and then show him the texts, emails and photo.

I pray that he would be straight forward, but I haven't seen an INITIAL honest story, on this board, from a caught cheater yet.

Last edited by phillybeffandswiss; 01-02-2014 at 06:01 PM.
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Old 01-02-2014, 07:15 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Finally figured out my husband is cheating. Don't know what to do

I hate to say this but (currently I'm in kind of 'revenge' mode!)
but it's rare to find a scenario that is primed and ready for a complete destruction of wayward spouse and OM/W as yours is

Just get your facts together quick save eveything and blow them both to kingdom come infront of your family as well.

You're in poll position to

wipe out any denials by your husband so strong is your evidence
to humiliate him (as needs to be done) in front of family
to wipe out, with evidence, the OW
to save the marriage / nightmare of OW fiance
to probably get her fired from work
that will stop their affair dead in it's tracks
that will make your decision making for the future easier

All with one hit - almost Godfather style !

I shoud'nt make light of it I know as this is serious sh!t we're talking about
BUT you really have an opportunity here most of us did not have in this position and you may regret not taking it.

I also guarantee you to have a smile on your face when the **** hits their fan

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Old 01-02-2014, 09:35 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Finally figured out my husband is cheating. Don't know what to do

Good advice you have been given.

Save all evidence. DO NOT REVEAL YOUR SOURCES TO HIM. Expose to family, but particularly her fiancee. Blow him out of the water and make him fear for his whole existence...this is an action=punishment situation just like chastising a child for a major misdemeanor. He needs to feel the pain so he NEVER EVER goes back there.
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When the story does not make sense, that is because it is not true. When you get the truth, it all will make sense.
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Old 01-03-2014, 03:14 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Finally figured out my husband is cheating. Don't know what to do

It is noteable here that 90% of us when we've been here were scratching around putting 3+4 together to make 9 and spent a lifetime working it all out

You don't have the usual needle to scratch with -

you have a 12 bore ! and if it were me I'd happily use it
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Old 01-03-2014, 05:52 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Finally figured out my husband is cheating. Don't know what to do

Rose - I think the advice the guys have offerd is about right.
Taking a copy of the evidence no matter how small or how much it may not seem relevant is vital. Keep as suggested multiple copies where they cannot be found unless you need them to be.

KEEP YOU OWN COUNCIL. Dont talk to anyone about whats happened until you have all the data and the advice from a legal professional. These two people dont need to knwo just yet whats building as they will conspire to make up a load of lies to cover the tracks.

When taking evidence for goodness sake cover YOUR tracks - Forwarding infor to your phone will leave logs and records on the phone bills.

When youve transfered clear anll your logs on your Hs phone so he cannot see whats happened.

Get your phones data backed up and saved in at least 2 different formats - and clear off your phone as well.

DONT keep data on your computer, clear it off to either usbs or CDs and then clear donw temp files and browser histories etc so that you H wont stumble across anything that will make him track you. This includes being on TAM. The post is enough to give him an idea whats occured if he did get in here even as a guest.

Dont wait - act now as opportunities to data gather will become more difficult.

Its sounds awfful to have to do things like this but the guys here will tell you - its about their lies coming out before your truth!

I hate to add this. Be prepared to act normally in front of the OW - if she even suspects (and a got caught radar seems to kick in quickly) she will run for cover.

Take precautions about STIs - If your H is being physical with you both you need to be careful (sorry but this is the hardest one to advise on).

Above all keep calm and take care of yourself and the children. The keeping calm is one of the hardest ones - instinct tells us all to react with nuclear fury, this far you seem to have done an amazing job of controlling your emotions. Try to maintain this as things will now get bumpy.
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Old 01-03-2014, 06:56 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Finally figured out my husband is cheating. Don't know what to do

Rose

I hope took the advice here and got the evidence.

Do not clue your H in to anything.

Let the OW's fiancé deal with her.

Good luck at work today.

You could always ask the OW if she enjoyed the lingerie and your that H told you everything.

Does she have anything to add?

HM
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