Contacting the OM
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 12-28-2013, 10:56 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Contacting the OM

Has anyone here directly contacted the POSOM or POSOW after their SO had a PA, EA, ONS etc.? I'd like to hear some of your experiences and thoughts.

I came across the OM last week and froze up. He did not see me, but I triggered hard and was not sure how to react.
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Old 12-28-2013, 11:40 AM   #2 (permalink)
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I had run across three of them.

First time I was at a son's game. It was still fresh. I had let go of a lot of my anger but when I saw him, I was angry for the rest of the night.

Second time, different guy, neighbor brother. I had been working out at the gym for a while. He saw me, turned around and went in.

Third time, was with wife's new bf, my old next door neighbor. He put his hands on my kids. He came out to my Jeep angry at me because I told her if he puts his hands on my kids again I will call the police. After an exchange, he went back into her house shaking. I was at a point where I would have defended myself most vigorously and he knew it would not go well for him.

If you want a reckoning then you have to wait. They will get theirs in the end. No good can come of confronting the OM. You can get yourself in a load of trouble.
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Old 12-28-2013, 11:46 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Contacting the OM

It's just not macho, at least in my opinion, to want to stoop down to the POSOM and the cheating skank's crappy level! Just saying!
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Old 12-28-2013, 12:39 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Contacting the OM

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It's just not macho, at least in my opinion, to want to stoop down to the POSOM and the cheating skank's crappy level! Just saying!
I guess its human nature to want to hurt the person that was complicit in taking something away for you but I cannot view the OM as similar to a drunk driver that hit your wife's car while on her way to Sunday school.
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Old 12-28-2013, 03:23 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I guess its human nature to want to hurt the person that was complicit in taking something away for you but I cannot view the OM as similar to a drunk driver that hit your wife's car while on her way to Sunday school.
I know that I can't really blame my skanky XW's OMen since it was she who led both of them on into out-of-town cheating relationships with her, all while still living as my wife and bedding down with me while she was still at home.

And I'm not really defending them in any way, but it seems that they were only obliging their natural male hormones as well as their hardened appendages, that they had absolutely no physical or moral control over!
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Last edited by arbitrator; 12-28-2013 at 09:28 PM.
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Old 12-28-2013, 04:15 PM   #6 (permalink)
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It shocks me on how many guys are willing the simply let the old lady off the hook and go after the guy. It doesn't make a lot of sense to be fretting over a guy who took your old lady up on her offer. As for me, I put responsibility on her to turn their offers down rather than on the guys to turn her offer down. You're setting yourself up for disappointment if you expect other guys to keep your wife on the straight and narrow.
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Old 12-28-2013, 04:24 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Contacting the OM

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Originally Posted by lostbutsearching View Post
Has anyone here directly contacted the POSOM or POSOW after their SO had a PA, EA, ONS etc.? I'd like to hear some of your experiences and thoughts.

I came across the OM last week and froze up. He did not see me, but I triggered hard and was not sure how to react.
I never have. I have thought about it and hope I do come accross him. I have several questions for him. If to not get the truth at least to make him feel uncomfortable.
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Old 12-28-2013, 04:38 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Contacting the OM

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Originally Posted by lostbutsearching View Post
Has anyone here directly contacted the POSOM or POSOW after their SO had a PA, EA, ONS etc.? I'd like to hear some of your experiences and thoughts.

I came across the OM last week and froze up. He did not see me, but I triggered hard and was not sure how to react.
Yes and no. My wife introduced me to her OM. I held it together. Somehow.
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Old 12-28-2013, 04:41 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I never have. I have thought about it and hope I do come across him. I have several questions for him. If to not get the truth at least to make him feel uncomfortable.
You will never get the truth or if you did, you would never know for certain if it was the truth. Don't hold your breath.

Sometimes, I wish I were born in an earlier time where reckonings and duels were legal, but they are not so live your life a better man.

Let yourself be an example for those who follow.
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Old 12-28-2013, 08:20 PM   #10 (permalink)
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You will never get the truth or if you did, you would never know for certain if it was the truth. Don't hold your breath.

Sometimes, I wish I were born in an earlier time where reckonings and duels were legal, but they are not so live your life a better man.

Let yourself be an example for those who follow.
I don't think I will ever get the truth. I want to just to see how "perfect" he actually is.
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Old 12-28-2013, 08:31 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I don't think I will ever get the truth. I want to just to see how "perfect" he actually is.
He'll be flawed and quite ordinary.
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Old 12-28-2013, 08:46 PM   #12 (permalink)
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My wife's OM was my former best friend. He emailed me about three weeks after I found out with a half-hearted apology/excuse (he is an alcoholic apparently). He said he wanted to talk, that I deserved it. I told him we had nothing to talk about and our friendship was done. Basically took the high road. I sometimes wish I had talked to him to tell him off or that I would run into him around town. But, when I truly think about him I realize how messed up he really is... he spent years emailing/chatting with my wife trying to emotionally seduce her, was an absolutely ****ty friend (asked about my marriage, now I see he was looking for opportunities to "strike"), and then immediately starts AA to excuse all his actions or because he is a pathological liar. I know he is not happy in his marriage (he told me as much) and I feel like he can suffer through life as the sorry soul he has become.. without my life long friendship and without my wife. Maybe he will turn it all around, but there is nothing I can do that will change it. So, I don't care. I think I tend to agree that the WS should be the focus, even with POSOM serpents like this a-hole. Even my WW seemed to come out of the fog when she realized how slimy he is... but, I would also never be surprised if any WS went back into their fantasy. So, my focus is on what she's doing.
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Old 12-28-2013, 09:21 PM   #13 (permalink)
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He'll be flawed and quite ordinary.
Most definitely.
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Old 12-28-2013, 09:26 PM   #14 (permalink)
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My wife's OM was my former best friend.
I can understand your umbrage because your friend did you like that. But what about your wife. Is he, as your friend, more low down than your wife? Yet you kept her but jettisoned him.
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Old 12-28-2013, 09:32 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Contacting the OM

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Originally Posted by lostbutsearching View Post
Has anyone here directly contacted the POSOM or POSOW after their SO had a PA, EA, ONS etc.? I'd like to hear some of your experiences and thoughts.

I came across the OM last week and froze up. He did not see me, but I triggered hard and was not sure how to react.
I had already mailed my wife's "no contact" letter, addressed to other man, but sent via certified mail to his wife, with enough details that she would know what went on and I had already received confirmation that she had received it.

Other man had been unemployed for over a year. He had just finally gotten a job shortly before I found out about the affair. My wife threw him under the bus in order to save the marriage. I could see that some messages were sent from work. I called up and had a conversation with his boss. After other man was fired, I called him directly and told him he was lucky all he lost was his job, next time he would not get off so easy. I told him that as long as I never heard about him again, no one else would need to know.

I reconciled with my wife, but I would have done this anyway. He had no kids, but I would have done this anyway.

Any man wants to mess with a woman he knows is married, he has to expect that the married woman's husband might strike back in one way or another.

He is accountable for his own actions. Whether I choose to forgive my wife and not him is MY choice to make. I have a 20-plus year history and kids with my wife, who apologized over and over and did everything I asked to make it up to me, to help me decide to forgive her. He had none of that going for him.

I was fortunate as to the situation and what I was able to do and how I was able to do it. It took very little time or effort on my part. It gave me a sense of closure and I feel it played a part in helping me to get over the affair more quickly.

What I did was not without risk, but it was a calculated risk based on my situation relative to other man's situation and fortunately it turned out that I calculated correctly.

Aside from the no contact letter, my wife didn't know what I was doing. As far as I know, she still doesn't know.
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