I really need unbiased opinions. Everyone in my life has a very biased opinion on this matter.
I am new here and haven't even read all that much. The problems in my marriage are very raw right now.
About a month ago my husband and I went, with out kids, to a family 4th of July event. At this event, a woman was there that was spending a lot of time with my husband. When she first arrived, my husband was walking down the street next to her. He ended up walking right past me and didn't say much to me. He never bothered to introduce me to her. I only knew who she was from seeing pictures of her that he had. He told me when I first found the pictures years ago that they were from a high school girlfriend. He tells me he's recently returned the pictures to her. But, those pictures are the only reason I knew who she was. He ended up sitting next to her for awhile, took pictures together with her. He refuses to take pictures with me anymore. Only did it when we were first married, we've been married almost 7 years now.
Well, I was suspicious of his behavior with her that night. Later, after talking to his sister and her admitting she saw it to, did I ask my husband about it. He denies he did anything wrong. I was jealous, he was ignoring me and spending time with her right under my nose. But, no matter what he denies it.
In the last month they have exchanged emails. And I know from the following email they have been seeing each other. This is the email, copies with names removed, of course. And the bad grammar is there too.
He emails: (two pictures attached of him in sexy boxer shorts) and says "are you still wet? Think these will help...? This we would have a little more time tomorrow the last chance and day for a while? She emails: I like them. Can I see you in the morning. He emails: Yep I am game for that. I will even try to get the kids around early so I can get some coffee for us. She email: Sounds great to me
That exchange of emails took place just last week, while I was out of town on business.
He tells me that he sent her that picture to help cheer her up. He tells me that her husband is abusing her physically. I'm having an extremely hard time believing him.
If that was an email you found, what would you think? Please be honest, but gentle with me.
Honey I'm so sorry, I wish I could be gentle but I think you already know yourself. Screams out PA to me.
You are in the right place for help though. Get reading here, as much as you can. You will find excellent advice on how to deal with this whole situation. Post lots too, whenever you can. Particularly look out for Affaircare and Tanelornpete's posts, they are excellent.
First of all, do not panic. Stay calm. You will survive this and there's a good chance your marriage will too. Do not do anything rash , prepare yourself thoroughly. Keep on an even keel with your h, as if life were normal, until you have time to develop your plan and gather evidence.
Sorry to say this, there is no other way to say this:
Your husband is in an Emotional Affair (EA) with this woman or at the start of one and it will evolve into something worse..
Do not pull any punches on this it is serious for you and your marriage.
If it does not stop NOW you are in for a difficult ride.
He is follow the classic lines, we could write the script for you.
Husband is abusing her
Your H is helping her
She is just a friend
I need my privacy
No I will not stop talking to her
He will change his behaviour to you, he may even start finding fault with you
He will deny he is having an emotional affair
These are typical symptoms
You said you are in counselling please note below
The affair needs to stop before the marriage is rebuilt.
Any councillor worth their salt would spot that this contact is going to affect your marriage, this is not jealousy on your part this is reality from hard experience of countless emotional affairs.
Only if the councillor supports you on this and promotes the immediate cessation of contact do you continue sessions if not stop now, they will not help you. You will need all your energy to break this affair, it can take months.
He must cease all contact with her. Tell him that this contact is inappropriate and the contact must cease immediately walk away and do not defend your position.
In the mean time gather and note the times and contents of the contact, email, phone calls, text message etc.. including his behaviours to you as you described in your post, keep a written journal safe somewhere, you will need this to refer to later on.
Find her husband’s details
If your H does not stop let her husband know what is going on , He may be blasÚ about this or he would try and stop it, depends on the man.
Do not let your H know that you have done this, she will tell him. Be prepared..
NB: As each EA follows a different course it is hard to forecast the reaction of your H,but keep posting on this board, use it as a blog if needs be, there are very experienced people on here who will give sound advice, There are a lot of EA threads currently running, if you have the time search for them.
I knew in my own heart really what this was. I only know now it's more. Since I posted the original post, I checked his phone. It's the middle of the night and he's asleep. I found a ton of email exchanges from them. Based on what I can gather from them, he sees her every morning before work. He might even see her after work, but that I'm not entirely certain of. There are emails telling of how hard it was to be apart for two full days (the weekends). I know for certain from the emails that they have at least hugged and kissed each other. Hugs no biggy, kissing another woman, bad, very very bad.
I probably made the first mistake tonight, I did have emotional outburst. I've been reading here a lot since my post. I know that was a mistake. I also didn't ask him to end it with her. He kept denying it. Kept putting it back on me and I started to question myself. I will calmly tell him that he needs to end it. I am also going to make sure his family knows fully what I have found out. I already told his Mom what I suspected. But now to tell her I know for certain.
You had a wobble. Forgive yourself and move on and don't have any more. I had about a month of them so you are doing way better than I did already (I so wish I'd found this site earlier!).
I also did what many do which is a big mistake, I started trying too hard to be the perfect wife. Please learn from me and don't go there. You need to look as if you are getting on with your life, hold it together. Look good, be confident, do what you always do. Make him believe that you will have a life you will enjoy either with or without him, that your life is not over just because he is a prick. Learn what the wobbly points are, the bits where you're most likely to have a meltdown, and avoid those situations.
Read as much as you can. Learn fast. This is a great resource. I was also given a recommendation here of a book called 'His Needs, Her Needs' and in turn I would recommend it to you.
Keep posting, venting. You sound strong even though I bet you don't feel it. You will get through this.
I already purchased the book his needs her needs, but it was the parenting one. I am going buy the one on infidelity (I know it has a different name). I don't even remember where I saw it recommended at. I tried to use some of the tips that book had, but honestly it wasn't directed at infidelity and when I bought it I didn't know he was having an affair.
That's completely understandable and what is great is that you are recognising that's how you are feeling. Don't let that shock make you act in haste, or govern you into giving a reaction that is emotional or highly charged.
I've been on this journey since the end of April and if I look back on these last few months I still feel shocked LOL!!!
Now think of YOU, be strong in this, have courage find a soul who you trust to lean on (NOT A MALE) – do not reveal your plans just someone to talk to that’s all.
So you had an emotional outburst, this happens you are human and hurting.
He kept denying it. – YES part of the pattern
They are meeting so it is possible this is now a Physical affair (PA) . Not just an EA
Let move forward…..
There is a plan here for you to follow, it may not be clear to you now but the forum members will walk you though this step by step.
You are doing this to save your marriage, the journey is tough, steel yourself, have close family to talk to and protect you, guidance from them may not necessarily be correct as you are the daughter/sister and they will be upset or distant etc..
Think EXPOSE, EXPOSE, EXPOSE. Kill the thrill make life uncomfortable. It does not mean it will stop the affair, YET, it may go underground, be difficult to maintain and they will isolate themselves and not be happy. They will learn the grass is not greener on the other side. Affairs have consequences
Start drafting what you want to say so you are consistent with every one.
Do let his family know. No lengthily discussions just tell them, ask for support from them, mention you have seen the content and know they are meeting regularly. Do not disclose the evidence as they may be inclined to support him - Mums often do. MUST be a problem with you type comment?
In the following thread there is a good draft you may choose to say it and/or post or both.
Tell his friends, get his email address list if you can, you may need them later. Not a disaster if you can’t get the info.
Tell your friends
Does she work for the same company? Note to you :- From this moment we will call her the other woman (OW)
Tell the OW husband.You need to work out a way of getting her husbands details, her place of residence, place of work etc. If you yourself are unable to find this can you afford a PI to get this info. Plan is to let her husband know .. provide some evidence especially if they are meeting up .
Start the journal, keep it safe.
Do not be concerned about the time frames these things vary.
On a note to you protect yourself: Some husbands react badly and may play all sorts of emotional and mental games
Secure finances for yourself, if he steps out the house you need some monies for yourself. Do not be shy, he is cheating on your marriage there are consequences.
Do not leave your house, it is YOUR home.
Do not encourage or discourage him to leave. This must be his choice only. Keep off the topic if you can.
Be consistent when you speak to him. Say things like: I LOVE YOU, THIS IS YOUR DOING. Stop the affair and our marriage can be repaired.
The forum runs across many timezones so response times to you may vary, again this site is to help you. .
You will be all over the place so if things do not run in sequence or to plan do not panic, it is understandable..
Some extra reading for you, at this stage they are information only.
hi there and am I sorry this is happening to you,
I think there is no doubt what is happening here, stay calm and get your plan in order, wisp has given you the plan......to save your marriage......It's a long road and he will say all sorts of things that will hurt and make you believe it's over, remember it's all Affair fog talk, that isn't your husband speaking......remember that......
Expect nothing from him for now.......learn all you can from this site and come across strong and willing to stand up for yourself......
we are all here to listen and help.........if your mad, vent here.......
Your mind is probably all over the place so I have inserted links for more information below. Have faith, many have taken this journey and succeeded. We can only offer advice the decisions are yours to take.
Please do not be fearful to take the steps advised. Your future, the love of your husband, your marriage, your family and your well-being is at stake.
Well today has been a very informative day. I talked with "her" husband. There are essentially two families being destroyed by this. This isn't the first time she has cheated on her husband.
I learned today that my husband was married to this woman for 7 weeks once upon a time. The marriage was annulled, but I simply never knew about it and neither did my husband's family.
Since talking to her husband about this and sharing all my proof with him, he has already confronted her about it.
Her husband and I agreed on one thing and we agreed on it very strongly. Our spouses actions are NOT taking our children's best interest into consideration. He has two kids to think of and I have two kids to think of. We neither of us have made a final decision on how we are going to deal with our spouses. But, we did agree on one thing and that was to keep each other informed of what was going on. Neither of us is ok with this scenario and we both want it to end instantly. We both want our spouses to cut off all ties from each other.
My kids are staying the night at my parents again, I know it's going to be a rough evening here at home. But, he needs to know what is going on and what has happened today. Of course that is if he doesn't already know.
Thank you for all the information and the support. I do appreciate it.
The last 14 hours has been interesting to say the least. The intervention has happened. He can no longer deny the affair. He says he did not have sex with her, he continues to say that. But from the help of his mother and his best friend he is understanding that it, for me at least, doesn't matter. He had an emotnal affair at least and to some extent it was still physical and is proven by the emails. In my mind, an affair is an affair. Emotional alone or Physical is all the same to me. It "feels" like he had sex with her because in his mind and in his heart he was. Either way, I am still going with the belief that he did actually have sex with her. As such, I am getting in to see my doctor and have a full work up done. I'd rather be safe than sorry.
The intervention has had a huge effect on him though. He agreed to full disclosure. He is giving me full access to his facebook account, all email accounts and access to his phone. He knows I am checking our cell phone records to track when or if they are contacting each other. This full disclosure seems to be working, he already told me to today that she tried to call him and let it roll to voicemail. I did tell him whenever he told me she tried to contact him I would pass that information along to her husband, and I did just that. On the surface, he is showing me everything I need to see. I know it will take time for me to fully believe that he isn't seeing her anymore. I want to give him credit for the effort he seems to be making, but I cannot help but not to trust him. I told him, with his mother present that I am not the one that cheated, so while I have to work to repair our marriage just as he has to do too, it is all on him to repair the trust that he has broken. His mother said that means a short leash for him. I could tell he didn't like hearing it, but I think he has resigned himself to it.
I did tell him that I was removing her from his facebook contacts and I did do just that. He removed all her contacts from his phone this morning while I watched him do it. He's removed her from messenger also. While I know they could still contact each other, this is making it difficult and unpleasant.
I know I want to repair my marriage and I know it is going to be one of the hardest things I ever do.