Earlier this summer, my wife revealed an affair of several months with a co-worker. We have wrestled for two months on the possibility of rebuilding our marriage. Over the last three weeks, she has become increasingly committed to divorce, without being able to specifically say why.
Then she revealed that she is pregnant with the other man's child. She has expressed true remorse, regret and embarrassment and indicated she may not remain with the other man.
As I ponder my life moving forward, friends and family have pointed me to one question I need to answer:
If my wife is willing to rebuild our marriage, am I willing to raise another man's child? Is this possible? If so, how?
If you can get past the baby not being yours, you love your wife and she loves you there is a way forward.
She needs to cut off all contact with the OM, she must leave her job, no feet in both camps, no testing the waters with you, this answer comes first before you commit to her.
It will be hard work, many have done it, the child has loved his Dad (in this case it might be you)
Your wife has to confirm she want to be with you and she does love you, work on your relationship, rebuild your marriage and then deal with the baby as if it is yours.
She has confirmed that she does love me and has expressed a willingness at various times to various people (including me) that she does want to work on our relationship and rebuild if possible.
My fear is that she believes that this is not possibly simply because of the pregnancy with someone else. How do I show her this is possible or encourage her to think about this?
Ask her what she needs done for you to prove that she and the baby will always be yours and loved as your own child.
Be careful you do not want to be a pawn here, in return you want no contact with the OM done now, commitment to change jobs immediately. No argument , no delays etc..
If you go ahead, do not put his name on the birth certificate, yours and hers only, there is a legal reason behind this, what you tell the baby at a point in life is the truth but you will always be dad --- you will want to keep the OM out of your lives. Do not agree to a DNA test he can’t force you. The child is yours no one can prove otherwise unless you let them.
All the above assumes she is prepared to stay married to you.
If you go ahead, do not put his name on the birth certificate, yours and hers only, there is a legal reason behind this, what you tell the baby at a point in life is the truth but you will always be dad --- you will want to keep the OM out of your lives. Do not agree to a DNA test he can’t force you. The child is yours no one can prove otherwise unless you let them.
All the above assumes she is prepared to stay married to you.
Good luck ..
Uhh Wisp, the OM can sue for a paternity test and the judge can force them to test the child (I know this because it has been done). Birth certificates can and have been changed according to what the judges order is. Of course this is according to most states in the US. However some states only allow a certain time period for the "sperm donor" to file this petition, this is so later on in life he cannot barge into the childs life. Until the statue of limitation is up HE DOES HAVE THAT RIGHT!
This is just one of the downsides to infidelity. I am just trying to be realistic. If the OM forces the issue and he is the father he will forever be linked to "lostnotgone's" wife.
lng, you must hope for the best but be prepared for the worst, which is the OM wants contact with the child.
I'm going to disagree with Wisp. The baby will be a reminder of your wife's infidelity forever. You may forgive her. But, you will never forget because of the daily reminder. You can grow to love the child as the child was not at fault. But, I would not adopt it and would expect my wife to seek child support from the OM. With the cost of college educations, I would not want to be financially responsible for a child that was not mine.
I just can't find a way to let her go. She has been the reason I get up in the morning and do what I do. I have pondered the possibility of adoption and is something I am willing to discuss.
We have not discussed the possible future of our relationship since this news. I am sure it is something she has not considered, although I am not sure if it is because she is not interested in pursuing our marriage or if it is because she assumes that because of the pregnancy, I will not be interested. If only the latter, what is the right timing and the right way to bring it up? We have not spent time together since the news.
You can worry yourself sick by yourself. You need to talk with your wife. I also suggest counseling for both. Individually and together. While I'm not pro-abortion, this is one situation where I would consider it. Posted via Mobile Device
I respectfully have to go with txhunter54 and Scannerguard on this. I feel that you will constantly be reminded of the fact that your wife stepped out on you with the child there. Also, I feel that you are overly concerned with her feelings and what you need to do to prove to her that you guys can get past it. Lostnotgone, SHE cheated on YOU! You do not need to prove anything! I give you the same advice that I would give my best friend. Get a divorce and move on. I know that you say that she is the reason that you get up in the morning but let's be real about this. If you and her part, you will still get up in the morning. And you will eventually find that someone to reciprocate your feelings. You sound like a guy with a good heart. Trust me, a real woman is going to recognize that and not treat you so badly.
I am usually vehemently pro-marriage and anti-abortion, but this is a situation that cannot be remedied in the immediate future short of an abortion.
Perhaps divorce her, take some time to yourself and live life, and if after a couple of years you are dead set on this woman as your wife, revisit the relationship and date the single mother? You know what they say....if it's meant to be and all that.
Abortion has been discussed but is not an option for a few different reasons (medical).
Orion, you are right that I have spent a lot of time concerned with her feelings and only recently as I have pushed back on her actions has she realized the love and importance of our relationship. However, the pregnancy information changed things quite a bit. She does not know what role the father will have in the child's life. But she has taken responsibility and shown remorse for what happened.
The question I am really wrestling with is what is of paramount importance in a relationship? I know there are the conscious things like trust, honest, openness. But those are things that can be asked for and granted or denied. I keep coming back to the sub-conscious drivers of a relationship, the things that you body, mind, heart and soul feel because of who the other person is, how they live, what they believe and want. Those are the things that drew me to her and the things that I'm not sure what it would take to violate. This (pregnancy) may be, but so far I don't think so because I still feel the way I do.
Infidelity and Pregnancy 
