well things were going good for a while. i thought counseling was really starting to help. we started talking more and even started having date night and were working on our finaces together. until i found out my husband was still communicating with the woman he sent the text to. he sent her a message on the computer. when i confronted him about it very calmly, he was upset that i was "investigating" again. i told him that im doing this because im in the dark with him. i really dont know where we stand as a couple. when i think things are going so good, i find out that underneath, not much has changed, (at least with his behavior) when i asked him why he wrote the girl ,he said he just said hi, and how you doing?..well i also asked him, why did he write her at all, and he responded, simply "because i just did" i told him that was not acceptable. and it doesnt make sence, especially when he told me that he would stop talking to her completely. i then asked him did he think that was wrong. he never did answer that question. im assuming he doesnt. then he started talking about hows hes not cheating on me. hes done std test and counseling. i told him that i never believed he was physically cheating, and still dont. {my heart and mind just wont let me.} but i well i feel we would have a probelm. i just wouldnt know about a lot of the things that are going on, like our marriage was before i found that text message on his email.i know we have a problem. his ability to lie so easily, our lack of communication with each other, and his flirtatious communication with other women is a problem. no matter how i come to him, hes not opening up to me and begin truthful about everything. i admit i have done things wrong too. i know that checking up on him is wrong, and i dont want to do it. but i feel i have no other options of finding out what hes thinking. he wont talk to me about his feelings.he even told me that i bring things on myself. that if i wasnt "snooping around", then we wouldnt have a problem. feel im doing everything in my power to help save our marriage. but i cant do it alone. ive gotten to the point where i think he is doing the counseling to pacify me. im not sure he feels that we have a problem. i know he wants to move on, and so do i. but i cant move on , knowing that hes continueing the same behavior that brought us to this point. something has to give. im not sure how much more i can take. if im not able to trust my husband again, then what does that mean for our marriage?
As terrible as it may sound, I am so glad that there are more people out there going through the same things. I have felt sooo lonely going through my issues, and It is nice to have this support....
Just know- I am wishing you all the best through your struggles and keep praying for me through mine.
Obviously he doesnt care so I say either leave him or deal with him....
I snooped on my husband for several months without him knowing collecting data. I used the pandora program...it works wonders but its called pandora for a reason. Be prepared to open her box.
Even with the amountin evidence I had against my husnabd he still denied any wrongdoing and blamed it on computer glitches or (aliens) someone setting him up.
As terrible as it may sound, I am so glad that there are more people out there going through the same things. I have felt sooo lonely going through my issues, and It is nice to have this support....
Just know- I am wishing you all the best through your struggles and keep praying for me through mine.
Yes we are hee for you and I will be praying for you.
Dear nappilymarried....I feel your pain and can tell you that honestly, I have been through all that you have and then some. Mine is a ten year journey (ten years together and 4 years married) and I am still with my husband.
First I think you need to stop denying the fact that he most likely has been sleeping with these women. Only a really psychotic woman would get anywhere near to the place that she would feel anything like love for a man that her only contact with is emails or phone calls. I know that's hard for you to face....but truly, whether he has slept with them or not is not the issue anymore, it is equally as hurtful to have what you know. Face the fact and stop denying it to yourself and to him because it allows him to see you as still gullable and to still manipulate the situation because he can basically say, "I didn't sleep with them so what's the big deal?" Truly, from the sounds of it, I think he has, and it's probably way worse than you know. His getting angry is just a dispacement technique to throw you off, it should tell you that you are right on track. His using your sense of responsibility and blaming you for looking is also just to throw you off track and should tell you that there is something to find. If there was nothing to hide, he wouldn't care if you looked. Ask yourself, even though you have not been unfaithful, would you mind if your husband checked your email or your phone bills? Probably not, because you love him and have nothing to hide.
Your husband needs serious counseling and that might not even help. You have to go too to make sure that the truth is being told, because he will just lie and manipulate the counselor and it will make things worse. He may be a sexual addict or he may have psychological problems like narcissism or even bipolar.
Basically, you have to get strong, stand up for yourself. make your demands to what you absolutely will not accept and then stand by it. If you feel that he is not capable of not screwing up and you aren't ready to say "if you do X, I will leave you!", then at the very least, make him know that you think he has a real problem, you are willing to work it out with him if he admits it by getting into counseling with you and being honest in there, that if he screws up, he has to tell you about it, immediately. That lying is worse than screwing up at this point, he has already hurt you more than you can possibly be hurt and really nothing that you find out now will make it much worse than it already is (even the sleeping with women). What destroys you and what will destroy your marriage is the lying.
We all have an amazing capacity to love and to forgive and none of us want our lives turned upside down and destroyed. Some of us are willing to go through alot more than others to avoid this and will stick it out alot longer. It is probably a weakness in us that keeps us in it, and most men know that, they knew it when they met us and married us. They don't know it consiously but they sense it internally and they know just how to twist and manipulate.
I could go on, and on.....but I want to see if you are still on here....so post up and I'll keep going.....
Also, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I know that is the worst feeling. I never tell my family or friends because I know they will hate him and never understand my staying and trying to stick it out. But sometimes I feel so alone I could just scream or die and I just want to know that someone out there feels me.....and I am not crazy, because sometimes, they make you feel like you are...
This happened to me as well, TWICE. It happened a long time ago, forgave him already but cannnot fully trust him now. I guess this will stay like this forever. The second time he cheated, he even gave me an STD, WTF! I'm really a martyr partner and now a very insecure wife. Sometimes I think of cheating on him to get even, but that would just complicate things.
well several months have passed. things are better. we are no longer in counseling because i felt that its best if we just deal with it on our own. my husband has proven to be dishonest. even while talking to the coulselor. i have come to realize that i cant make him be an honest person. thats something he has to do on his own. im am also aware that this whole thing is very likely to happen again. and if it does, then i wont be as hurt or shocked. ill just know that thats the end of our marriage. i love him but i will be ok if we are not together, but as for now he is not showing the dishonest behaviors that he was before. and until he does, at least i can say i gave him a chance to correct his behavior.
I read all these posts and replies and think that I am not so bad off, but I have joined to talk about my husbands infidelity so I will share and hopefully you can all help me?
My husband thinks that he can flirt and goes as far as making suggestive remarks in public like 'show me your tits'. It is horrid, I am an attractive woman and he stops it for a while - say a month - then off he goes again. I know of ONE positive time he cheated on me, because I caught him with my Bestfriend.
well im not sure if you meant to post this on my thread but im sorry to hear that about your husband. i agree flirting with other women is bad and in front of you is horrid. obviously he either thinks its ok with you or he doesnt care. im sure you have told him how you feel about it. maybe you need to use stronger words. and really sit down and talk about how it makes you feel. mention the stopping for a while then starting back too, and how thats makes it seem like he is not taking you seriously. plus ive learned that there has to be a consiquence. you need to say if you do this again then ____ will happen. you would have to be the one to fill in the blank. i did this with my husband about talking to other women. and so far it has worked. (at least as far as i know) and if he is still flirting i will find out soon enough. i know all the signs now.now my husbands lying, im not sure how to handle it because i dont know whats the truth and what s a lie anymore. its very hard to trust what he says so ive been looking at what he does instead.
i know i havent posted in a while. i did start another post under another name concerning financial problems that my husband and i were having.but lately he has started back with some of his old behaviors. it started r after he came back from the islands beacuse the job there didn't work out.when he came back i noticed that he has several new freinds added to his facebook page.when i asked him about the women, he immedaitely got defensive and said that he wasn't sleeping with them. i told him that i did't ask that. i just wanted to know who they were, because i don't know any of them. i asked him to introdouce me to some of them. he agreed but did'nt actully do it until much later.well actually he sent one of them a message to add me to her messenger list. she did. and i sent her a message introducing myself. she has not written back. see i found out he has sent flirtatious messages onine to other women. he told one of them that he finds himself thinking of her and he misses her sexy chocolate. and misses her voice. and he told another woman that the was looking unmm ummm good the last time he saw her. when i confronted about these comment he said that he wasnt flirting and thats the way (people from the island's ) talk . he said i must have read those messages out of context. wtf? i also saw comments where he was lying to his friends about me telling them i accuse him of cheating and i whine and complain. but i dont those things. when i confronted him about these comment, he denies saying those things. now i see that no matter what i do, he is not going to tell the truth. hes out of the country now. "working" anyway im just trying to figure out what to do now. i know i do need to look out for myself and my best interest.im looking for strength in the Lord; through him i can do anything.
Re: when do you trust again? 
