I know there is absolutely no tolerance for infidelity. I see that there are numerous posters on here who have cheated. I see it on television that people are caught cheating all the time. It's such taboo. Socially unacceptable. But it is a widespread dilemma that many relationships suffer. Monogamy is unnatural. No one is perfect. People make mistakes. Excuses, I know.
I've never condoned cheating. But I now wear the label "cheater"! It's a terrible road to walk down and even harder to know that I chose this path. In no way do I assume the cheater needs sympathy. I'm not asking for it, but it's not just a quick f*** and it's over for most of us. Some of us have emotional ties involved. Which are wrong to begin with but it does happen. And fighting those ties plus the realization that you intentionally betrayed someone you love is horrible.
My H friend professed his love for me 3 years ago while drunk. I didn't judge him and assumed perhaps he was going through a hard time. The following day it was ignored as if nothing ever happened but he began messaging eachother daily and he would send me AM messages wishing me a good day. Eventually we would speak about it again and he would confirm it wasn't just a drunken conversation. I asked him if we could stop. He obliged. Months later he would bring it up again in conversation but quickly apologize and end it. Months after that he would profess his love to me and I politely asked him to stop. Year and a half later in a chance meeting (whilst inebriated) I would fall into his arms and commit the ultimate betrayal. I was devastated because of what I'd done to my marriage/children/myself.
Yes, I fell into those arms because I had loved him all that time.. Drunk wasn't an excuse. My H and I have had a pretty rocky relationship. We're a complete mess. He's an alcoholic, he's a drug addict, he's emotionally abusive, he's all over the place... NO EXCUSE I know. But it's not like I'd never expressed to him that I don't like these things about him. He chooses not to change these things about himself. He's told me he is only with me for the children. Of course, when sober has said he didn't mean it but how does one ever really forget a statement like that? I won't continue on... whatever he has done in our relationship doesn't condone my infidelities.
After the affair I suffered immensely in silence. Guilt, remorse, confusion. Who am I? What are my values? Why have I done this? All while struggling the fact that I think I love this person I had an affair with. Even knowing he and I will never be a 'happy ever after'. I don't want to leave my husband for him! But I want to leave for other reasons.
Not 6 months later I make the concious decision to meet "the friend" and it turns into another night of infidelities... So not once but twice? I walked into that one...
The friend stays away. But leaves the door open for me. He's expressed that he doesn't wish to make things difficult for me, understands that it is hard for me. No matter how I try to stop all communication, something keeps drawing me back to him. As if I'd love to see him again... but I should be working on my marriage. I should seek counseling. I know I allowed this to happen because I was unhappy in an unhappy marriage.
I know I'll get an abundance of hateful messages for this thread.
I have no intention of "bashing" you. But I do think that you should just come clean with your H and honestly choose one way or the other. Decide to work together to save your marriage, or decide to split. Definately drop all contact with the OM and I don't want to be "that person" to say it but think about the fact that if he'll do it with you he'll do it to you. Best of luck with all of this.
Most people who have cheated, like myself, can identify with you.
In counseling, it was explained to me that most people cheat because they are treated badly by their spouse/SO, not because they fall in love with someone else (although that may be the result of their treatment). I'm not justifying cheating.
For a long time, I looked at people who cheated, and I knew a few closely, as pretty horrible people. I could not understand how someone could do that. But having gone through what I did in my marriage, I recognize the same things in theirs, something I could not do before.
Cheating isn't the answer to a bad marriage. Either you work on the marriage or get out.
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Posts: 5,595
Re: Hate the cheater (hate me)
Cheater, cheater, burn her, burn her. Just lightening the mood a bit.
I to am not sure of the reason for your post other than a self pillory.
But I do disagree with the following statement.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BlueMoon26
Monogamy is unnatural.
I find nothing unnatural about it at all. I base that statement on my moral and religious background, but even outside of that I have never had any desire to cheat on my wife. Spending the early years of my career traveling more than 50%, having both anonymity and propositions it just never crossed my mind. I personally find the statement to be a rationalization every time I hear it.
I agree with the others. Stop drinking. Get your husband to go to counseling for his problems and try and address the issues in the marriage. If it can't be fixed divorce on those merits not based on the other man. You already know him to be a low life that slept with his best friend's wife and has left the door open to finish his undermining of your marriage. Get him out of the picture all together.
Nice Amp! One day you must tell me how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes!
I agree that the statement 'monogamy is unnatural' is not a correct statement: it's an informal logical fallacy (based upon inductive reasoning.) Just because people die of cancer does not make it a 'natural' way to die...
Not to have this topic hijack the thread but it's quite possible for monogamy to be both unnatural and a rationalization for cheating. I mean, just because you have never had a desire to cheat on your wife does not mean that monogamy is natural. If we look at the bulk of animal species, I do not believe that monogamy is natural at all. And, like it or not, we are animals. I mean, are we terming monogamy as "just being in a relationship with our spouses" or are we terming it as "any one-to-one relationship that we have ever had"? And, if we are terming it as the latter, am I to believe that EVERYONE has ALWAYS been with one person at a time for all of their lives?
That being said, I believe that monogamy is a discipline and is fully attainable. I have never had an urge to cheat on my wife either. And, I do agree that people use the "unnatural" argument to justify being horn-dogs. Just my two cents...
If we look at the bulk of animal species, I do not believe that monogamy is natural at all. And, like it or not, we are animals.
Yes, we are animals (I will purposely leave any religious statements out) . But we have something that as far as we know no other Animal has on this earth, self-realization and conscience. Because of our extraordinary brain we are able to override those more primitive urges. It's natural to murder another to get what you want (look at the animal kingdom). It's natural to rape, pillage and hurt others. We though have a more evolved sense of morality, reason and social contract that should guide us. So to say because X is natural in the animal kingdom doesn't and shouldn't directly apply to us.
The real question here is what is moral by human standards. Humanities moral code is continuously shifting, morphing and changing. Things that are common now would have been unheard of a few hundred years ago (women wearing shorts, etc). In my mind the issue isn't necessarily is monogamy moral/immoral in a vacuum.
Another question is what is the understood view of a relationship between the two people? If they have agreed to be exclusive then it can never morally justified to sleep with another. By going outside of the contract you made together you are breaking that social contract. Therefore, the cheater can never be morally justified. If the two have agreed to be in an open relationship, it is morally justified for each partner to sleep with other people. That is because the social contract does not stipulate monogamy.
Yes, we are animals (I will purposely leave any religious statements out) . But we have something that as far as we know no other Animal has on this earth, self-realization and conscience. Because of our extraordinary brain we are able to override those more primitive urges. It's natural to murder another to get what you want (look at the animal kingdom). It's natural to rape, pillage and hurt others. We though have a more evolved sense of morality, reason and social contract that should guide us. So to say because X is natural in the animal kingdom doesn't and shouldn't directly apply to us.
The real question here is what is moral by human standards. Humanities moral code is continuously shifting, morphing and changing. Things that are common now would have been unheard of a few hundred years ago (women wearing shorts, etc). In my mind the issue isn't necessarily is monogamy moral/immoral in a vacuum.
Another question is what is the understood view of a relationship between the two people? If they have agreed to be exclusive then it can never morally justified to sleep with another. By going outside of the contract you made together you are breaking that social contract. Therefore, the cheater can never be morally justified. If the two have agreed to be in an open relationship, it is morally justified for each partner to sleep with other people. That is because the social contract does not stipulate monogamy.
I agree with pretty much everything that you said. Keep in mind, I am not justifying cheating whatsoever. However, many parts of your post actually support my assertion. We do have developed brains that give us a conscience. However, the "primative urges" that we are overriding are our natural urges. Again, my assertion is that not that monogamy wrong. Simply that it is counter to our natural urges (yes, like the urge to kill or be violent). And, like those and other natural urges, it can be surpressed.
I will never understand the hatred WS's recieve when they actually post on this forum. Yes obviously most who actually post here are BS's, but I would guess there are MANY WS's watching and reading. For one the amount of guilt and shame they live with, and two (my initial reason for reading here) to try to gain some idea of what their BS is ACTUALLY feeling and thinking. I see a lot of discredit placed when someone trys to openly admit they f'ed up.
Those who post because they are betrayed may need to ask themselves one thing...If you wanted to rob a bank would you ask a boyscout or a bank robber? Every situation is different, but maybe we should try walking a mile in eachother's shoes.......
Again, my assertion is that not that monogamy wrong. Simply that it is counter to our natural urges (yes, like the urge to kill or be violent). And, like those and other natural urges, it can be surpressed.
Ahh, well then we are in agreement. I do agree that for most, the natural urge is to mount anything that moves. To signify that you are exclusive with just one person is not generally a humans instinct. I was hooked on the part about where you were stating a rationalization and for some reason took that to mean you were arguing against the state of monogamy as a whole. So yep, there was a misunderstanding on my point.
I would go one further and say not only can some of those urges be suppressed, it is better for us AND society if we focus greatly on suppressing them.
Ahh, well then we are in agreement. I do agree that for most, the natural urge is to mount anything that moves. To signify that you are exclusive with just one person is not generally a humans instinct. I was hooked on the part about where you were stating a rationalization and for some reason took that to mean you were arguing against the state of monogamy as a whole. So yep, there was a misunderstanding on my point.
I would go one further and say not only can some of those urges be suppressed, it is better for us AND society if we focus greatly on suppressing them.
Ah, I meant that it was a rationalization (wrongfully so) by those who could not be faithful. And yes, I believe that it is imperative for us and society to focus upon surpressing those urges. Besides, it's scary to keep gambling with one's genitalia. Ha!
Bluemoon26,
6 months ago I was just like your husband Now I spend my day prevent this behavior. Why, for the past 13 years my wife got through our marrage with 20 physical affairs, I was asked 3 time for a divorce and I told her to get a boy toy "big misstake" .
She was gone all the time basicly she left, come home at all hours of the morning and then leave again for work, day after day year after year.
To this day only God only knows why I final confronter her?
I think Slowing down on the booze, and finding my self asking "ha were's my wife" just like that, I dont know why.
Any way I wish my behavior was differant 13 yrs ago. Big thought here "I WISH MY WIFE WOULD HAVE LEFT ME AT THE FIRST SIGN OF HER DISIRE TO HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE" you can't beat honisty! I'm guessing she needed to act (move out) for me to hit rock bottom. She would try to to tell me But I told her "I didnt want to hear, lets just have sex and foget about it" BAD BEHAVIOR ON MY PART
Hate the cheater (hate me) 
Just lightening the mood a bit. 
