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Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: North East USA
Posts: 132
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Traveling husband to China
I have a story to tell that may be a common thing that has happened to others.
My husband works away, has always-alot. We have been together for 26 years. His job took him away for 2-3 months at a time and I always accepted that from the beginning. It was always romantic as when he came home we would go away alone for a romantic weekend, or I would fly out to where he was. I have always been faithful and a good wife to him, what ever his needs have been I have ALWAY been there for him. I love him passionatley.
We never had a smooth relationship though, and it was always a bit rocky, mostly because of communication issues. I always adored him, and we have been through counceling but it really hasn't helped to change the dynamics of the relationship. We have ALWAYS had a terrific sex life together despite the rollercoaster relationship. We also have a lot of monetary stress because we own rental property that he isn't able to care for because he is away too much, and so it falls on YKW much of the time despite a rental management company.
Last year his job took him to China for the whole year...longest he has EVER been away. The year was horrible for me...working full time and pipes freezing, an oil spill out of the tank in the basement...too many lonely nights. My daughter and I went to visit, and my son, both older now. He started an import business over there, and had a beautiful apt. (living much better than us!) He befriended younge Chinese women attending medical school there, and employed them to help him with housecleaning, shopping for groceries, managing his recipes for his contract business, etc. (he is middle aged and they are 20) I didn't make too much of a fuss out of him employing them though but tld him I disapproved of him "hanging out with them" (mistake!)
The signs started to show up, although I didn't believe them right away. When I went to visit him in China the first thing I noticed was he wasn't as responsive in bed (sign number 1)
This is many times the first MAJOR sign! Then the college girls were not around so I was not able to meet them because they had to go back to school in August.
He took me dancing and then warmed up some, introduced me to friends but the realationship was strange because this was a man whom wanted sex every day no matter how we were getting along, and he wasn't able to perform the same way. He made excuses that I didn't come over to see him earlier (I wasn't able to as my daughter was in school)
When he came home January he made a trip to go back to China to attend to his (and my 20 year old son's import business) He did not talk to my son at all about the trip to China. The lovemaking was still cool.
After awhile when he still was not being attentive to me in bed...and I became very upset and suspicious (as I am a very high libido person) need to be close and I had missed him so much. I was looking forward to the intamacy. I found myself extremely disappointed and disraught. I tried to talk to him and he called it "attacks" and "abuse" when all I was doing was asking him why he was not being responsive to me. You see, they will try to blame you in anyway they can and turn it around.
I found myself looking through his wallet before another trip and found a photo of a young 20-year old Chinese woman hidden behind his license! I was devistated! I also found a piece of paper with something romantic written on it about him dreaming about someone that was on the opposite side of the international phone card number and a few Chinese phone numbers.
I have been preparing in case of divorce and one atty told me this is so very common that younge women in foreign countries such as China and Russia prey on American older men because of their money. Then they break up the families and next thing he is supporting their mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, aunts and uncles, and bringing them all here or sending money home to them. Our families here suffer because they become broken homes and do not come first with the new Asian young wives or Russian or where ever they are from!
Anyway I called the number on his piece of paper and there was a young Aisian woman on the other end. I called the number again and asked her to please not break up our family, and she said she would not see him again, I handed the phone to him out of a dead sleep and told him to tell her it was over. He did without admitting it saying "I don't know what she is talking about but I can't call you anymore" .
Then there was the wallet that he had told me was given to him by "the girls..his friends" that has an inscription on it that said "I love you not just for who you are but for the person I am when I am with you". I asked him to cut it up with scissors in front of me and he did. I asked him to burn the photo of her and the piece of paper and he lied to me by saying I took it from him the night before..I didn't. Another lie. It hurt me her held on to the photo of her.
When I confronted him he looked terrified, scared and this is a macho in control type of man, but he denied it. THAT was my answer. If he was innocent he would have been angry! I pulled the photo and writing out of his wallet and he said she was just a waitress and he has no idea why he wrote that romantic statement...made no sense. I have since figured out that she was a medical student, not a waitress.
I had called a very experienced councelor plus attys trying to figure out what to do. My first reaction was to divorce him, but I love him and am a divorce child and so I do not want to subject my kids to this, at least at this point.
Anyway, what I want to tell everyone after all of this is that Dr. Ellen (you can see her on the internet and buy her tapes on Amazon if you want to try to turn the marriage around) told me I should throw him out, and that unless I didn't do that he would NOT come clean and we would NOT be able to rebuild the marriage. I understand what she is saying because how can you rebuild the marriage on a lie? I didn't do what she advised so not I am stuck with his lies! But that is SO HARD to do, and he has been a wonderful Dad..but I think I made a mistake by NOT doing what she said. I DID pay for her counsel and she was very good! $75 for 1/2 hour.
I am sure there are reasons why he cheated (and I feel in my heart he did...what you all of you think?) I am not perfect by any means and I know I need to change myself...but he has been abusive to me emotionally and that has been the dynamics of our relationship.
Since then I caught him again sending a $200 visa gift card to her via international letter. When you are suspicious, you snoop, SORRY, that is the way it is until the trust is rebuilt.
He had promised me he would not contact her anymore even though he denied anything was going on, and that he would not go to China again because I told him if he did we were DONE!!!. But he supposedly had an office over there for the import business, so his explanantion was he sent the $200 visa card over to her to have her ship all his stuff back because she did stuff for him (fax machine, ect.) , and he didn't want confrontation from me because he thought I would "freak out". I did believe him, and gave the reciepts back, although now I regret that somewhat.
Maybe he sent it as a closure letter and a gift, but it still hurts because that is money that maybe I could use to go visit my 86 year old mother I haven't seen in 3 years because money is tight.
And he lied to me AGAIN because he said just recently that the $200 VISA card had a temporary car attached that he sent to her, and whatever she doesn't spend he will get back. Guess what, I went to Cumberland Farms where he bought it and confirmed that simply isn't true. Another LIE.
I would be OK with moving on if he didn't keep LYING! I think he ended it with her, but I question that because he sent her a $200 Visa card. I asked him if I could expect his stuff back from the import office while he is away this month and he acted defensively. I need honesty to move on.
He has greed to listen to the tapes and he was good before he left on the last trip..he agreed to be a better husband and work on the marriage. ..but then he sent me a nasty email! He regressed to his old ways.
Does anyone have any advice or thoughts? I just feel like everyone else that the trust has been broken,
I do not know if I can live with a man that lies to me like this, I guess. I decided to try to work on the marriage and change myself. I bought Dr. Ellens tapes "Light his fire" and "Light her fire" The marriage has improved much and I listened to all of her tapes, but he only listened to 2 out of 10...It has been suggested to me that he isn't serious about working on the marriage (I forgot to mention he and I did agree to do this after the confrontation)
We shall see how this goes but where I AM drawing the line and I am going to tell him this, that if the lies contiue we will be done and if I EVER catch him in an affair again the same (he will STILL deny it)
Sorry this is so long but there was a lot to tell. I hope it helps someone else. If your husband is going to China to work..BEWARE and you have to be a wife he will not want to be without. I somewhat blame myself but I have been overworked by him and under cherished, so it is what it is. It's a tough and competetive world out there, in all aspencts of our lives, work, family, marriage, relationships. I worry for our children.
CAO428
Last edited by cao428; 06-27-2008 at 12:26 AM.
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