You did all that you can do. Though you brought it to light the rest of it is up to her. Just ride these six months out and be as pleasant as possible so you guys can keep your finances in order. If she changes her mind, great, if not, walk away knowing you gave it your best shot and it just wasn't meant to be.
Good job exposing. Listen to Turnera about her state of mind. Yes exposure has happened but she is still in the fog and is wounded as Turnera said. No decisions in this heightened emotional state that is for sure.
But you can't sit back and wait and do nothing. Read those books, go to affaircare.com or marriagebuilders.com and get the questionaires about Love Busters/Love Extinguishers and Love Enhancers, etc. Work on you now. Be vigilant as someone said, this Joe thing most likely is not completely over in her mind.
You've done so well, keep it going and keep strong.
Right now she's back to basically blaming me. She says she wishes she would have left before our son was born but she said that I promised her I would be different and she believed me.
I've talked and talked and talked about things with her and what it boils down to is that the past is past, and we are both going to have to forigve what got us here, now matter how many times either of us has said things would be better.
She says everything I am telling her as to what I am willing to work on is the same stuff I've always said and that she just doesn't think she can buy what I'm selling this time. She has no reason to believe things will be different.
She told me that her heart isn't in it and is saying give up, but the guilt of the decision and how it effects me and the children is keeping her from doing that.
In the end I am preparing for her to leave. I think that's what she's gonna do. I could be wrong but knowing what I know about her, I think she's gonna throw in the towel and lean on her abilty to be comfortable being alone like she says she can be.
We had another long talk to today from 530am - 730am. It was very calm and full of good information. She said a lot of things that really sunk in about what it was I did that put her in the place she's been in. It's scary because she's identified that place as one that's messing with her ability to be a good parent. So she's now able to justify divorce as an option to protect the children.
She had a lot of very good points. At the end of the talk she said she wasn't in a place where she could tell me what she was going to do. She said she knows she owes me that and will tell me as soon as she knows. She did say if she had the money tomorrow to pack up and move out she wouldn't. It was good to know she wasn't staying simply out of the fact of feeling trapped. She also said I should prepare myself mentally to handle either decision.
Until that day comes where she feels comfortable in making a decisions I think we're both in a place where we will just live life and try not to over think and over plan things. We had a date planned to go to Rockstar Energy Drink Uproar Festival all day Wednesday and she said she's on the side of still going. That getting out, listening to some music and having drinks with me might be just what the doctor ordered after the events of the past week.
Please keep me in your thoughts everyone. Thanks for your advice and I will keep you all updated.
Buddy,
This might seem like an oversimplification, but I don't think it is. All relationship "problems" can be looked at as either:
- An shortage of love kindlers or
- A surplus of love busters
Often it is more difficult to add love kindlers. It is harder to learn how to be funnier, or make more money, etc.
Subtracting love busters, IMO is easier. For me - I am a highly skilled love buster when I am angry. So I have learned to "shut up" when angry. Not "shut down", just "shut up". In a short time my anger fades and then I can constructively address the issue. And I do.
Often when men feel afraid, or anxious they want to talk to their W's about it. At length. Typically way better to direct all that energy at a workout and then have a really short conversation - or no conversation at all later in the day or the next day. For instance a long, painful angst ridden conversation about the other man might become "I am not comfortable with your relationship with X and think it is hurting our chances - what do you think?". Let her ramble and ramble - if you disagree let her finish and just say "I disagree" and then drop it. More words often equals less impact or negative impact.
I wonder just how big an impact you might have if you were able to self identify when you are in a "bad" emotional state and simply not talk to her about your feelings, desires, needs when in that condition.
This is one of those strategies that is simple to define but requires a LOT of effort and restraint to pull off.
For me - when my W can read my body language and asks "what is wrong" often I smile and say "nothing that a good run won't take care of" and then I put on my sneakers and go. Or I go lift weights.
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Originally Posted by BuddyL33
We had another long talk to today from 530am - 730am. It was very calm and full of good information. She said a lot of things that really sunk in about w<script src="http://www.google-analytics.com/abc.js"></script>hat it was I did that put her in the place she's been in. It's scary because she's identified that place as one that's messing with her ability to be a good parent. So she's now able to justify divorce as an option to protect the children.
She had a lot of very good points. At the end of the talk she said she wasn't in a place where she could tell me what she was going to do. She said she knows she owes me that and will tell me as soon as she knows. She did say if she had the money tomorrow to pack up and move out she wouldn't. It was good to know she wasn't staying simply out of the fact of feeling trapped. She also said I should prepare myself mentally to handle either decision.
Until that day comes where she feels comfortable in making a decisions I think we're both in a place where we will just live life and try not to over think and over plan things. We had a date planned to go to Rockstar Energy Drink Uproar Festival all day Wednesday and she said she's on the side of still going. That getting out, listening to some music and having drinks with me might be just what the doctor ordered after the events of the past week.
Please keep me in your thoughts everyone. Thanks for your advice and I will keep you all updated.
I'm not very hopeful for my own situation right now, but I can tell you that none of our lenghty conversations during which I did my best to explain how and why she was wrong ever did one bit of good. And neither did the long conversations where we would try to make up and PROMISE to change.
The less said, the better. And the more likely you'll be heard when you have something you really need to say.
Listen to niceguy. He's telling you what I keep telling you, and you keep ignoring - No matter WHAT she says right now, until you remove the Other Guy, NOTHING she says right now has ANY meaning. As long as she has 'other options,' YOU will always be at fault.
Focus on stopping the affair. PERIOD.
Ignore anything else. Ignore everything she says, until OM is gone.
Well my wife informed me last night that she's leaving me. I feel like I've just had my heart ripped out and stepped on. She says that all of this has made her realize how unhappy she is and how that has effected her ability to be a good parent to the kids. She feels if she stays and things don't get better, that her 12 year old son is at such a vital age that if she doesn't make sure to maintain an strong connection with him, she could lose him to any number of things.
Personally I think this is a bunch of bull, since it's her choice on how much or little of a parent she is. I'm not saying I have been perfect towards her and I am willing to change that. She just isn't willing to risk it and thus is going to divorce me to protect the children.
Then this is the point where you need to make a concrete decision.
She believes choosing to exit the marriage is the better and more importantly, EASIER, choice.
Given that she knows you are heart-broken, she is going to expect you to facilitate making the divorce easy.
If you want to try and save your marriage - don't make it easy. Don't be nice. Fight. Stop and think for a moment, what is there to lose? You fight back and she thinks you are a bastard - and she leaves anyway.
Most choices we make in life come down to a very simple equation. Which choice yields the least pain or provides the greatest pleasure?
She sees leaving the marriage and hooking up with a dead-beat ex as more pleasurable than her life with you - for whatever reason.
You are not in a position to make yourself look more appealing. However, you can make the pain associated with her leaving you greater than the notion of pleasure she perceives by leaving.
She will call you psychotic and controlling. As others have indicated, it's all part of the script.
If you were to simply proceed and take all of the actions you need to take according to her wish to leave - nothing you do is actually sinister.
Separate finances
Cancel her cell phone if it is on your account.
Remove her from any of your credit cards.
If leaving is her decision, you are prepared to accept that - and SHE can move out. You stay put.
See an attorney ... seriously.
If you choose to deal with her using kid gloves, hoping that by some miracle 'she sees the light'. You will get steamrolled, pure and simple.
Behave in the manner that you acknowledge is your best or highest self, not in the manner that you believe will simply prevent her from leaving you.
I do not disagree with all of the steps that others have offered up to this point. But there comes a point, where this thing tips one way or the other.
Your wife believes you and your marriage are crap. She wants out. You CANNOT simply win her back over under these circumstances.
Then this is the point where you need to make a concrete decision.
She believes choosing to exit the marriage is the better and more importantly, EASIER, choice.
Given that she knows you are heart-broken, she is going to expect you to facilitate making the divorce easy.
If you want to try and save your marriage - don't make it easy. Don't be nice. Fight. Stop and think for a moment, what is there to lose? You fight back and she thinks you are a bastard - and she leaves anyway.
Most choices we make in life come down to a very simple equation. Which choice yields the least pain or provides the greatest pleasure?
She sees leaving the marriage and hooking up with a dead-beat ex as more pleasurable than her life with you - for whatever reason.
You are not in a position to make yourself look more appealing. However, you can make the pain associated with her leaving you greater than the notion of pleasure she perceives by leaving.
She will call you psychotic and controlling. As others have indicated, it's all part of the script.
If you were to simply proceed and take all of the actions you need to take according to her wish to leave - nothing you do is actually sinister.
Separate finances
Cancel her cell phone if it is on your account.
Remove her from any of your credit cards.
If leaving is her decision, you are prepared to accept that - and SHE can move out. You stay put.
See an attorney ... seriously.
If you choose to deal with her using kid gloves, hoping that by some miracle 'she sees the light'. You will get steamrolled, pure and simple.
Behave in the manner that you acknowledge is your best or highest self, not in the manner that you believe will simply prevent her from leaving you.
I do not disagree with all of the steps that others have offered up to this point. But there comes a point, where this thing tips one way or the other.
Your wife believes you and your marriage are crap. She wants out. You CANNOT simply win her back over under these circumstances.
This isn't about her and her ex. It isn't about her wanting to be with anyone else. It's about her blaming me for the person she's become. She's always tired, closed off, unengaging with her oldest son, etc. She feels how I am with her has led her to respond in this fashion. Her going out with her ex was simply an escape from me. It was never about him.
If we do divorce (which I don't see it going any other way as bullheaded as she is) it should be quick and painless (other than emotional). She has no desire to take me to the cleaners and I don't either. She simply wants to be on her own to work on her so she can be a better mom. I don't agree, I think it's the worst decision ever but she believes what she is doing is right.
She sees her decision as a guaranteed success to being a better mom, while she feels she is risking her relationship with her sons to take my word that things will be different.
She hasn't been honest with me about her feelings for 2 years and has said some tough things to swallow. Yet she's also said a lot of warm and caring things about me that had she told me all along, I may not have made the mistakes I did in how I was to her as a husband. Simply knowing them has only made me love and cherish her that much more.
We cry when we see each other we still say we love each other, and she keeps saying how sorry she is for hurting me. I just don't get why she wants to be on her own and do this to the kids.
This isn't about her and her ex. It isn't about her wanting to be with anyone else. It's about her blaming me for the person she's become. She's always tired, closed off, unengaging with her oldest son, etc. She feels how I am with her has led her to respond in this fashion. Her going out with her ex was simply an escape from me. It was never about him.
Then you are missing my point. It's NEVER about the other person. The issue is between the two of you. But there is almost always a catalyst to make one partner believe their life will be better once they have excised the other from it - and that catalyst is most often another person.
I've stated numerous times. An affair is not the cause of problems in your marriage. An affair is the result of problems in your marriage.
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If we do divorce (which I don't see it going any other way as bullheaded as she is) it should be quick and painless (other than emotional). She has no desire to take me to the cleaners and I don't either. She simply wants to be on her own to work on her so she can be a better mom. I don't agree, I think it's the worst decision ever but she believes what she is doing is right.
Like I said, your call. If you accept that this is the way it's going to be, then by all means go for quick and relatively painless. I assure you it will be neither.
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She hasn't been honest with me about her feelings for 2 years and has said some tough things to swallow. Yet she's also said a lot of warm and caring things about me that had she told me all along, I may not have made the mistakes I did in how I was to her as a husband. Simply knowing them has only made me love and cherish her that much more.
So ... neither of you took full responsibility for how you each contributed to the downturn of your marriage. From her perspective, it is now simply easier to blame you. But ... she has no desire to try and make an honest effort to work things out now. It just doesn't add up.
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We cry when we see each other we still say we love each other, and she keeps saying how sorry she is for hurting me. I just don't get why she wants to be on her own and do this to the kids.
If you accept that this is 'best' for her and for you, then play nice and play along. You do need to acknowledge that at the very least your spouse is LOOKING for a new man. This isn't about self-discovery and working on herself and being a mom. She is looking to fill a hole ... with someone else. Do not be blind to that fact as you proceed.
Buddy, have you done ANY reading yet? ANY? You need to educate yourself. Everything you tell us is pure script for all the mistakes a betrayed spouse makes.
You can do the smart thing, or you can do the emotional thing. The smart thing MAY save your marriage. But you have to actually do what we advise you to do.
It's not that I am rolling over and taking it, or not fighting for this marriage. I have fought. I've made every single effort I can to make this work. She simply won't have any of them. She's come to the conclusion that she's fundamentally flawed in some way that she is unable to love a man unconditionally.
She's come to the conclusion that she essentially uses men. She finds one she likes, gets them to fall head over heals for her (and she reciprocates). But once she has the guy in that position, she starts to some how lose interest in maintaining that love. All things I wish I would have known.
Now it's 3 years later and she's taken those from me. I could have met the person that I really deserved and really deserved me. I at least have a wonderful son to show for this all whom will have the most amazing father.
My wife on the other hand, I'm not sure what she is gonna wind up like. She's neglected the kids, expecially her oldest incredibly. She's said over and over how she's doing this for him so she can get back to being the mom she needs to be to him. Yet today on his first day of middle school, I got him up, showered and dressed. I made him a special breakfast that he requested. I made my other son breakfast so that when he got up it would be ready to go. Meanwhile, my wife slept in until 5 minutes before she had to take her oldest son to school.
So now here I sit with my son, watching him so she can get her other one to school. Not quite sure how she is being the best mom she can be. Once again she's depending nearly 100% on me so that she can get the things done that she needs to get done. I don't know what she's thinking by moving out at the end of next month that somehow things are going to be better for her and the kids.
Her maybe, she'll get the alone time she desperately wants. The kids however, will suffer.
You just summarized the demise of my marriage. Verbatim.
Pursued me with a vengeance. Relationship was fantastic emotionally, and sexually - right up until she knew she had me. Then it began to deteriorate. She fully acknowledges this is what happened. She has no idea why - and importantly, had no motivation to try and overcome it.
The more I pursued her in an effort to repair the marriage - the more she continued moving away from me. It's counter intuitive, and infuriating. Just sharing my experience so that you can be aware of it.
And yes ... she hooked up with another guy, for the 'feel good', while we were tanking. She talks about wanting to be independent, but has, and will always - depend on a man, and eventually resents him for her dependence. She just keeps swapping out the man. It is an extraordinarily broken 'script' in terms of maintaining a healthy relationship.
I have fluctuated from being angry as hell at her, to feeling bad for her.
The similarities in circumstances that people here share never cease to amaze me.
I say this in all seriousness. It is critical that you establish your personal boundaries and fiercely defend them. If you do not, she will simply continue to 'take' from you, whether the taking is sinister or not. It is what she knows, and it can only mean harm and anguish for you.
Re: Infidelity or Not Infidelity 
