My wife and I have been married 2.5 years. We have one son (15 mos old) together and her 12 year old son also lives with us. Our marriage has been like a roller coaster. We're both tired of things not being what be both expect.
My wife is a nurse and works a couple nights a week. I work from home most of the time. My wife's best friend is also a nurse and also works nights. So it's not entirely uncommon for my wife to go out on a wal mart run late at night with her best friend after the kids are in bed and sometimes when I am ready for bed. Or sometimes they will go meet at Denny's or something for coffee for like 2 or 3 hours. I've always trusted my wife and never doubted what she was doing.
Then about 4 months ago my wife went out with her best friend to the casinos and stayed out all night. She called and checked in periodically and even mentioned they might be out all night and asked if that was ok. I said it was. Deep down I wasn't ok with it but I let it go.
At that time I decided to snoop in my wife's cell phone a week or so later and discovered my wife and been texting back and forth an ex boyfriend from like 6 years ago. Turns out her and her friend went to the bar where he worked to get free drinks, and then he came out with them afterwards to the casinos. This coupled with her complaing to her friend about our marriage led me to wonder what the hell was going on. I confronted her telling her I had been snooping in her phone and facebook and what I had found. She was naturally pissed at the violation of her privacy and I was pissed because I felt she violated my trust by not telling me about this encounter, even though it seemed nothing happened.
So over the next month I became increasingly paranoid as she went out. I would sneak into her phone every chance I got, checked the phone records and even followed her one night. I got caught following her and when she confronted me about it I lied to her. I lied right to her face. She kept pressing me and I knew she knew so finally I caved. I was so scared this was the end. It wasn't.
We talked about it and I decided to go to a therapist for my anxiety. Things slowly got better I became less and less anxious but after about 1 month I had some un answered questions about the nature of her relationship with her ex. So I snooped one more time and found a sexually explicit conversation in which he was talking to her about having a threesome. She was playing along but then finally at the end of the conversation she acknowledged that this was getting too close to cheating and the conversation stopped.
I checked her phone for the next week or so and no more contact from the ex. I confronted her about the conversation and she said her and her friend were playing around with her ex one night via text while they were hanging out. I expressed how not cool I was with the nature of the conversation. We had another fight about invasion of privacy and such and then reconciled in the morning. Ever since then things have been on the up and up. I have had urges to snoop but didn't and over the last several months things really felt like we were getting better. I'm still going to a therapist every 2 weeks and I really enjoy it.
Well last week she started talking about the ex again. He has a son the same age as ours and she was saying how he was telling her what his son was doing etc. I knew from his facebook that he was now single however. So my anxiety once again set in and I started snooping in her phone. Their conversations started off innocent enough and then they were reminiscing about their past sexual encounters. I managed to insert into a conversation we were having that I wasn't cool having convos with ex's regarding sex. She said she was ok with it and even if I did it as long as it wasn't about planning sex. That its no big deal when you are talking and it comes up in conversation. She then said she was glad I told her that though since we had a difference of opinon.
So this weekend was my 15 year HS reunion. I was headed out of town for two nights with the kids. She was staying behind Friday night because she had to work and planned on having a quiet evening to herself Sat. We went out the thursday before I left and had a fantastic night out. We had incredible sex that night and things felt really good.
I decided to check her phone one last time before I left and saw that she had been talking to her ex about meeting up since I was going to be gone all weekend. I asked her if he was still living with his girlfriend and she said yes. I knew this was a lie because she actually acknowledged him being single in a convo they had. I was really freaking out about this.
So I went out of town to my reunion. Last night she calls me and says she is going to a bar with her friend for a few drinks. She calls me a couple hours later and says she's headed home. She flirts with me hard on the phone and tells me how bad she wants me and can't wait to have me when I get home Sunday. This was something she hadn't done for a long time. I was pleasantly surprised but also it kinda seemed out of place.
So when I got home today I was anxiously awaiting a chance to check her phone. I finally got it and text messages showed she asked her ex to meet up at the same time she told me she was going with her friend to the bar. There were also a couple phone calls in there.
I called her out on it and she said she knew I was looking through her phone. That ever since that time 4 months ago she always felt like she couldn't fully trust me to not snoop to believe her. She says she called him and asked her to text those things to her phone to see if I would read them, because she said she knew if I did I would reveal I had been looking.
I'm not sure if I should believe this or not. My wife has never struck me as the cheating type. She's never been one to play games and always shot me straight when it comes to feelings and such. I have no doubt that if things ever went south between us she'd not try and screw me over.
I love my wife more than anything. She's my world. In all of the things I've ever snooped the content has never directly showed she was trying to cheat or had alterior motives. It's simply me putting pieces together on my own based on circumstances and my own logic.
I feel as though I am trying to catch her in something so I can control her. Deep down I am very afraid of losing her and I know that if nothing truly is going on, my snooping is only pushing her away from me when what I want is for her to be closer. I have become very insecure in this relationship and am torn if what I am doing is right or if I am getting out of control with this thing. Deep down I know I don't want to be with someone I can't trust and right now I have trust issues with my wife and now she does with me. I know that if she's gonna cheat or leave that no amount of control that I exert is going to stop her. So why do I keep doing it? Why can't I just trust my wife? I really just want to trust her and let things be. But there is a part of me that is worried that I could be getting used.
I call it intuition and its usually right.
So for me I investigated my wife and keep this it quit until I could positively comfirm her fidelity.
I am so glad I protected my self by "spying" it prevented me from STD's.,bankrubcy, and from being the fall guy for my marriage.
I really think your wife is playing head games with you. Cheaters are great at that. They have you doubting your sanity. You have every right to snoop because she is the one who has created doubt in your mind. Cheaters are also liars--you referenced several lies in your post.
It's unclear exactly what degree of infidelity has occurred. However, it's very clear to me that her behavior is unacceptable. Why couldn't she swap schedules with someone in order to accompany you to the class reunion? That just sounds too convenient. She needs to stop ALL contact with the ex boyfriend and start focusing on YOU.
Buddy, the reality of the situation is this: If your marriage fails because you snooped on her goings on, the marriage had bigger problems than simple suspicion issues.
It has been said many times on this forum that marriage has no secrets. Secrets kill marriage. Privacy and secrets are 2 very different things. In the case of privacy, say she is pissed at you and vents to a friend, while it may hurt your feelings, it is not a marriage ender. that is privacy.... something that, if found out, might be embarrasing to her and might hurt your feelings a bit. A secret is something else entirely. A secret in marriage is something that could possibly change the course of the marriage.
Big differences there. My advice is to protect yourself. Look into a keylogger to log her computer stuff and possibly look into a P.I. to check up on here recent "late night work schedules" and such. It is absolutely expensive but less so than losing half your stuff.
You need evidence of either fidelity or infidelity. Once you know the truth, you can then choose a direction to go to work on the marriage.
I checked her phone again last night in the middle of the night. From what it seems she tried to meet up with him last night but he couldn't get away because he had his son.
They exchanged texts talking about how he had to take his son to the ER. He said he missed her and she said for him to call him when he got up today and that she couldn't wait to hear his voice. I couldn't sleep from 4am on. I just laid there thinking about this over and over in my mind.
This morning I brought up again how much he bothered me. She said that she feels like I am trying to control her. She said, "fine I am done talking to him. Having a bull**** friend is so not worth this. I will just hang out with my friend Jen and you can approve anyone else."
In true affair fog fashion, she is starting to demonize you to be the bad guy. These are ALL telltale signs of an affair. Best for you to get started gathering evidence and preparing for what you will do if/when it is discovered it was a physical affair.
She said that she feels like I am trying to control her.
This is another infamous line a cheater uses. It's all part of the head game. It is to shift blame on to you. Don't buy into that one!
There was an excellent thread on here last month, which I thought you might find helpful. It was the ultimate revenge for the "head games" perpetrated by a cheater. So, if you haven't already read it, read it and SMILE.
I feel as though I need to be straight up with her. In the current situation I don't trust her and she doesn't trust me. If that doesn't change our relationship is going to tear itself apart.
I know in my heart of hearts if she wants to cheat she'll cheat, no matter how little or much control I try and exhibit over her. She doesn't lock her phone, she doesn't delete anything on there, and she openly admits she suspects I am looking at her phone.
My wife is no dummy. If she wanted to take this thing all the way to a PA she could and could pull it off without me knowing. However, as far as what I am comfortable with, her having a relationship with an ex in which he is flirting with her and her back is not something I am comfortable with. I am not comfortable with her having a relationship with him and for us to work, that relationship has to cease to exist. I am sorry if that's hard for her or hurts her, but the bigger picture here is us, not her and him. I would do the very same for her were the situation reveresed. Up until this point I have said lunches with the kids were ok or what not, but deep down I just want him gone. I have to be honest about that. Otherwise it just fuels my own suspicions regardless if they are real or not.
On the other hand, she won't stop feeling smothered if I keep snooping and snooping. As much as I want the truth, I can't go about finding it at any costs. If I find fidelity at any cost I could still wind up losing my wife and that isn't acceptable to me. Once I let her know a relationship with him isn't acceptable (she's already said this morning having it isn't worth the **** she's going through) I have to be willing to give what she needs to trust. She has to feel like I am not constantly watching over her back and checking up on her, etc.
In order for us to make it through this we both have to give.
Just be careful not to let yourself be fooled. She will say things like, "He is just a friend and is not worth this trouble" or "I could never think of him romantically, I can't believe you would think that."
She will say those things even after being caught red-handed. Just prepare yourself. Many of us here, including myself, have been through this. I'm still dealing with the aftermath of a situation that started similarly to yours (except her guy is a co-worker), and it became evident recently that she is now carrying on a full-fledged relationship with this guy. Until she's willing to prove she can give this other guy up, you can't allow yourself to be fooled into not checking into things.
exactly what happened to me i'm afraid. It took me 3 months of PAIN, snooping, investigating and being made to feel like crap to finally be told the truth. That is that it was a full blown affair that had been going on nearly 2 years.
A disloyal spouse just can't be trusted, My wife who has always been a good, moral and dedicated partner looked me in the eyes on more than one occasion and made me promises. She broke them hours later. I find it hard to even think about some of what she has done and how it may effect me for the years to come.
I felt many of the things you feel. "I have to let her know I trust her..", "snooping is the wrong thing to do..", "we can sort it out by talking...". Every situation is different and naturally you will want to believe your wife but I would be very alert to everything. Snoop without her knowing - email accounts, texts, messenger programs on the phone and on the home PC etc etc. It sounds crazy to do all of this but you are only doing it to protect yourself not to catch someone out so you can prove them wrong.
I hope you don't find anything and I know you will feel that your wife wouldn't do it etc but she has lied to you already so that she can see him. That was the first warning sign for my wife. I play football on a saturday and she lied to me about what she was doing.
I'm sorry but something appears to be out of place here. All i'm advising is that your wife has lied to you about spending time with another man and has been having inappropriate text conversations with him and meeting up behind your back. BE AWARE and protect yourself.
If she agrees not to contact this man again (this is a reasonable request, since he is an old boyfriend) then I would stop snooping myself, but hire a PI to follow her when she is out late at night at the bar, or when you are out of town. You will know then once and for all, whether she is cheating or not. Make sure you get hard proof that she cannot deny (pictures). If you can't afford a PI, then get a friend that she does not know to do the same thing. You will know one way or another after that, and you can then decide where to go from there.
If she agrees not to contact this man again (this is a reasonable request, since he is an old boyfriend) then I would stop snooping myself, but hire a PI to follow her when she is out late at night at the bar, or when you are out of town. You will know then once and for all, whether she is cheating or not. Make sure you get hard proof that she cannot deny (pictures). If you can't afford a PI, then get a friend that she does not know to do the same thing. You will know one way or another after that, and you can then decide where to go from there.
I appreciate all the advice you are giving because that's what I asked for. I will take it all into consideration. Like I said, the truth at ANY cost isn't an option because if this is at most an EA if I get caught snooping or prying I could lose my wife over what might have been nothing. That's the catch 22 to me.
I am indeed afraid of being used. In my first marriage I cheated on my wife, having numerous PAs. She snooped on me and I remember all to well making her feel like crap for doing so. My conclusions at worst may be wrong, but the logic I used to reach them is sound.
I know in the end, the truth will come out, regardless if I am snooping or not.
If she agrees not to contact this man again (this is a reasonable request, since he is an old boyfriend) then I would stop snooping myself, but hire a PI to follow her when she is out late at night at the bar, or when you are out of town.
If I could interject some advice: when you ask a Disloyal Spouse to stop contacting someone, they will either argue that you are trying to control them, or they will grow angry, claiming it is just a friend, or else they will agree, and take the affair deeper. Asking them to stop is an incomplete step:
...it will fail.
It isn't the snooping that is the problem, it is the affair. It is the hiding, lying, and turning to ANOTHER person to get the things you should ONLY get from your spouse. In fact, if things are going normally between you and your spouse, there is almost no reason why, if you asked your wife, she would not simply show you what she had been doing.
So - ask her to stop, yes. But FOLLOW THAT UP by requesting that she write a no contact letter to this Other Man; one that YOU read and mail.
The reason is that there must be a break between the Other Man and she, not a retreat. And to cut that relationship off, the Other Man needs to know that it is over. Asking her to stop (and then relying on her promise that she has) is a bigger risk to your marriage than the anger she will experience when you ask her. Your marriage can get over anger. It cannot survive another man.
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You will know then once and for all, whether she is cheating or not. Make sure you get hard proof that she cannot deny (pictures).
If you take a little time to read some of the threads on this site (and other sites) you will see that REGARDLESS of the evidence, it can, and will be denied. That is not the point of the evidence. The point of the evidence is to answer any questions YOU might have - it is not a useful tool to get her to stop the affair (that rarely happens.)
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You will know one way or another after that, and you can then decide where to go from there.
In essence, you have enough proof to proceed. You can easily take the necessary steps to recover your marriage with what you have now. If you still doubt things, then by all means, continue to gather evidence until YOU are convinced that an affair is happening.
Infidelity or Not Infidelity 
