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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 09-23-2010, 07:49 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: the guy with the cheating wife

I am glad you have turned things around. i wish the best for you and your wife. Like you I wanted detailed info on what hapened. I never asked and my wife said she had sex with two different guys. I know there was more from my investigatiions. I have never confronted her. I want to but also want to move on.
You pushed her into those bad situations and treated her like a sl**. She might have done some things that seemed awfull but I bet feeling like you made her feel had some to do with how she acted. Unless she needs to tell you for her. I bet just letting it go and realizing you was wrong and putting it in the past would be best.

Enjoy the now. Flood her with attention and she will likely return the attention you need. I wish you both the rest of your marrage to be filled with good times.
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Old 09-23-2010, 01:17 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Hurt,
You hit the nail on the head with regard to her & mine- past behaviors.
As for the telling part, it is all me. She would rather block it out then talk about it. But she understands that my imagination can get the worst of me, so she answers my questions.
I keep struggling with wanting to talk about her cheating versus putting it in the past.
It seems today I have a new wound with regards to the good friend screwing my wife. Its like it is fresh, like she just confessed. It seemed easer 7 month ago when she first told me about some guy.
I have found my self less attentive to her today then I was for the past 7 months. This new information is killing me(good friend several times).
So thank you so much for the reply, you are right, for the past 7 months she has been returning my attension with her affection ten fold and I just needed someone to shine the light on that. So to night I will pull my head out of my butt and get back to the matter at hand. I believe you may have convienced me to stop with the questions and move on.
I knew ther was a reason I told her never to tell me about her affairs, it hurst so dam much. But this last one was just so dam obvious.
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Old 09-24-2010, 09:56 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Actually, dont take this the wrong way, but I think it was your wife who saved you! As you said in one post that she was having affairs to band aid feeling neglected and used (quite the contradiction, but evident in your marriage). You basically cared less if she was there or not unless you wanted a bang, literally. I know how your wife felt during that time, it is very scary and painful. You woke up and realized you wanted her around... now keep giving her that which you did not for so long. I feel good for both of you that this turned around... you have a lot of getting to know each other for being together so many years.
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Old 09-24-2010, 10:04 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Hurt,
You hit the nail on the head with regard to her & mine- past behaviors.
As for the telling part, it is all me. She would rather block it out then talk about it. But she understands that my imagination can get the worst of me, so she answers my questions.
I keep struggling with wanting to talk about her cheating versus putting it in the past.
It seems today I have a new wound with regards to the good friend screwing my wife. Its like it is fresh, like she just confessed. It seemed easer 7 month ago when she first told me about some guy.
I have found my self less attentive to her today then I was for the past 7 months. This new information is killing me(good friend several times).
So thank you so much for the reply, you are right, for the past 7 months she has been returning my attension with her affection ten fold and I just needed someone to shine the light on that. So to night I will pull my head out of my butt and get back to the matter at hand. I believe you may have convienced me to stop with the questions and move on.
I knew ther was a reason I told her never to tell me about her affairs, it hurst so dam much. But this last one was just so dam obvious.
Dont push away bc of this friend. In all honesty, as I said in my above post, she was doing what she needed to do to get though with no interest nor attention from you except for some hard core banging which isnt her style.

This is another example of cheating not always being a scumbag thing to do. People need to feel connection, that intimacy that should come in a marriage and when its absent or purposefully with held, and yet you still care for the spouse and maybe have kids together, sometimes its the only thing you can do to stay married. Dont dismiss her again or she may cheat again. Women need love like men need respect... women respect men who love them, men then love women who respect them. Its in the Bible even! Keep both alive from here on out, it was a wonderful wake up call for your marriage.
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Old 09-24-2010, 11:16 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Whynot,
Im not taking it the wrong way b/c I believe what you wrote is true. The wife is more shy and quite then an outgoing party girl. She is very uncomfortable in crowds. So I believe it took alot for her to go find what she was missing.
Another thing that cuaght my attention was "it was your wife that saved you" Wow, I had to think about that, I'm quessing, if she saved me, it was from not leaving me in the beganning so I wouldn't treat my next relationship the same way I treated her? or, She changed me for the better in regards to how I treated her? Whynot, I'll need a reply back on that thought.

I get what your telling me about W's feelings, and W has also told me,she has put up with alot and I have sent her off to find her boytoys/relationships, but for the life of me, why do I feel betrayed, now after so many years of dismissing the marriage, the sleeping around business is a tough row to hoe for me.

Be careful for what you wish for.
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Old 10-09-2011, 09:13 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Update;
Mrs. the-guy has done a great job in doing the heavy lifting to help me heal. In fact she sticks to me like glue and I have excepted this and so far have met her need.
Except for one thing, she has asked that I lighten up. I continue to take her and hold her down while I " get my needs met".
In addition I have been there for her and we are no longer co habitators and we are lovers, best friends, and support each others, but upon her reguest I can not be gentel.

She is receptive and she addmits that she is a sl~t but "only my sl~t, and with that I continue to exhibit the same behaviors I had "back in the day.

As I continue to balanca out my fetish with her need for romanace, I still see the need to do better for my WW. Or should I say past wayward wife.

She has done the heavy lifting and her remorse far sir passes the list mentioned here at TAM, but the bottom line is I see my self falling back to the unhealthy behaviors that took her to a place that was gentel and romantic that most women graive.

Bottom line, I find my self using my wife as the trophy wife/booty call that it once was....

This fetish of mine, I find will soon get in the way. Granted, she has submitted to me and has give her selve completely back to me, I find that the emotional need she found through other men is gone, I think the phsyical need is not there.
Resently she has asked me to "settle down", but after the 10 second kisses, and the cuddeling, and the listening, I find my self "taking her" .

In away I think besides the GPS, VAR, and investigative behavior I exhibit, she sees the need to sexualy submit to my fetish (dominance) behavior as the part of the heavy lifting.

This is not an arguement, or a topic that is contiversersoul. it's something that just happens and she has only once, since d-day (20 month ago) that she told me that it was getting out of hand.

Last night I jacked up her hip, and my back...it was rough and ther was no complaints other then the sore hip.

Anger management has helped me outside the bed room, but when I start to bang away, pull the hair and spank her, it seem to get out of hand, and it only addressed the next morning.

My question is, what do I need to do when my kink gets in the way of having a healthier marriage?

Yes I know what she needs and yes I know what made her stray, but when we both ( me & wife) know what we are capable of doing to each other (in a bad way), and commit to preventing these unhealthy behavior from coming up again, how does one control the urge to consistantly dominate in the bed room when it is one of the issues that ......on occasion not meet her needs.

Second question will the book "his need and her needs" or is it "her needs and his needs" help?

Some one , please tell me what book we can read that will get us through this rut, with regard to our plite in the bed room.

Other then that it is f~cking awsome that my W has her best friend back (me).

On a side note; we talked about a ONS she had with guy with a penis pircing, it was just something she brought up, it was a fem dom thing she had to walk away from. In general the OM's were romantic and kind. Bottom line after 20 months of talking about the OM's it was all about kisses and romance. I've learned and understood her affiars, but damb it I'm just not wired that way!!!!
I like it rough, she likes it slow, so were do our needs come together.
Do I need to tie a string around my finger to remind me of what she needs in bed?

Last edited by the guy; 10-09-2011 at 09:23 PM.
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Old 10-09-2011, 09:22 PM   #22 (permalink)
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I'm not sure your finger is the appendage you should tie a string to... Maybe use a different one, and give your wife the other end. So she can give it a tug when she needs to.



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Old 10-09-2011, 09:34 PM   #23 (permalink)
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LOL
PBear, we did that and the thing is "pulling the string" is not her kink.
She has no cripe, other then the hip and some spankinging last wek end.
My thinking is, yes some femdom would be fun, "pulling the string", but thats not her...its only addressed the next morning, when were spreading Bengay over our sore muscels.

She won't stop me at the moument, and I get out of hand.


Wait thats it......she needs to adress it right then and there...that it PB .....she does need to " to pull the string" that night , not the next morning......

TAM is awsome, just saved me a $15.00 copay

thanks
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Old 12-26-2011, 06:50 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Update;
Its almost been 2 years since d-day and the marriage is moving along. Two different people with healthier behaviors and a different marriage altogther. We couldn't ask more from each other.

Still working on my spelling but my typing has inproved since stay here at TAM.

One thing I noticed is the enviroment that CWI has taken, I find it very interesting to see it evolve.

Thanks to Blind- I reposted my old thread. I would have attached it thru a link in the IM but i can bearly spell much less navigate this site, so.............

Well B- this is for you....let the bashing begin. LOL
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Old 12-26-2011, 07:47 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Glad too ah help? wow I'm speechless its not like any story I have come across here. When you pushed her away and said get a boyfriend
my thought was "oops!" I'm glad you worked it out but I'm betting you wish you could go back and have a do over of that moment
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Old 12-26-2011, 07:57 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Yes, it is one of many things I would take back, but at the time my freedom was more in portant then being in a relationship and in my mind I didn't think she would do it.

But you are right,the day I confronted her and she reminded me of my unhealthy remark, it was a "opps" moment.

Another thing is it really wasn't so much a d-day as it was a confrontation on bad behaviors.

It truely is so easy to deny something like this! Once you face it, then it seems the world changes. in my case for the better.
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Old 12-26-2011, 08:12 PM   #27 (permalink)
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T_G, one thing that I see you have is a supernatural strong ego (in the best sense of the word) which is "far above those of mortal men" . It takes one to endure the devastation of infidelity and choose to remain married to a serial cheater. By the way, is your wife in therapy to resolve her childhood abuse from her father?
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Old 12-26-2011, 08:30 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Thank you, I was expecting the cuckold, doormat routine. Instead I get the pat on the back for ......well I'm not sure, but it seems like a pat on the back. LOL

No she currently is working on the rape she suffered from a friend, 25 years ago. As imortal as I may seem, I have to stay away from that. She often wants to discuss her session but it always lead to the crap I did to her so I dance around the subject.

Now that I think about it even with her dads abuse and every other thing that she talks about in her past session, it seems to end up pointing to me......go figure. I guess that why its so hard to hear.

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You just saved me another $15 co pay. I think I'll suck it up and listen, it appears I have something to do with it ;-)
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Old 12-26-2011, 08:37 PM   #29 (permalink)
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this is an amazing place truly I'm glad to have met y'all just wish it wasn't under these circumstances.
my mind at times wants to say none of you are real people and tam isn't real I'm just being conned by one person creating all these ID's and stories

and I'm still in the matrix --- but I know that isn't the case ;->
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Old 12-26-2011, 08:51 PM   #30 (permalink)
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That would be one hell of an imagination for one person to create and come up with all of this crap.
B- this stuff is real, some of the people that post my not be, but for the most part there are some real bad things happening to some real good people.
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