I really appreciate your post. This is my first time on the site. I found it by simply googling sexting/marriage. First of all I want to say I am sooo sorry for your hurt! I am the wife in your story. Our situation that unfolded this past weekend if identical to yours. I was caught having an inappropriate texting (sexting) relationship. I have hurt my husband deeply! I understand that an emotional affair can be worse than a physical one. I know that your wife probably isn't a "bad" person, just like I know I'm not. However, I am trying to understand what causes me to do this. (it's the 2nd time i've engaged in this type of behavior with a male friend) I don't want this incidence to define me as a human because we all have faults. I feel that your wife and myself must identify why we do this in order to 'fix' it. Because I know for me I feel embarrassed, ashamed and remorseful.
Welcome to the forums.
I too am very happy in my marriage. I wouldn't trade him for anyone!!! However, I think I found myself intoxicated by the attention of another man. Maybe I just need to know I still have it 'goin on' and that other men find me attractive. I almost compare it to a sex addiction. good luck I wish you peace.
ALthough I am wondering exactly what you mean by sex addiction, as humans is in our brains as chemicals reacting (as are all emotoins at the core) the emotional happiness and satisfaction and drive when we are made to feel desired sexually by someone who we also would desire them!!!
That is why so often is the symptoms of affairs much like someone addicted to drugs, because mainly to our brains and emotions that is what it is!
All good men and women reading this, make sure you unnerstand this and get this. To get that feeling as in to be young, and first in love, to get that feeling even years and even decades later again, perhaps after thinking such feelings were impossible to feel agian due to age or whathaveyou, when someone lights that fire inside us, whether man or woman, be sure it will not easily be solved by logic or talk, so strong is those feelings at the core.
That is why I am so often beating this drum over and over and over, in our happy marriages the good man and woman must maintain this structure of sexuality, as old as humans and even older, the primal structure wired into our brains as who we are as men and women, and that is just this: the good man strives to dominate, and the woman strives to be dominated.
REgardless of anything else, be it college education learning, career speaking, political correct or religious upbringing or what the tvs, songs, movies, best friends say, take to heart that behind our closed doors and in our private and intimate places, let the man be the man and the woman be the woman.
Do this to maintain this sexual structure, keep each other on fire for one another, that way it is each other that lights the fire of sexual attraction to our happiness and bliss.
And in this way it is not some affair man or some affair woman that will come along (and yes they will come along) to light this fire in our partner to our misery.
This is all very good advise! It is an affair...sleeping together or not! It's emotional infidelity. But why why why, do we as women, find it so thrilling to know other men find us desirable? Low self esteem? Media telling us we MUST look a certain way or we're no good? Lack of a strong father figure? I don't know. Help???
If a good man is lighting the fire in his woman, where this fire would be burning brightly letting a woman feel
she is attractive and sexual and desirable, if this fire is not burning instead there will be the emptiness and that is the home and source of the feeling of insecurity that a woman is feeling.
Where there is the feeling of being sexually attractive, there is not feeling insecurity. Where there is feeling of insecurity, there is not the feeling of sexually attractive.
One or the other, but always the one or else the other.
When a man is not lighting his woman on fire in this way, her feelings of insecurity will manifest as resentment, and often nagging, and after time if these tactics are not spurring her man to wake up and "fight for her", the comes the emotional disconnection.
As the woman is not going to be feminine and vulnerable and open and emotoinally connected to a man that has not the mettle to "fight for her", since the beginning of time it is this way in us as humans for our very survival!
So do not blame the media or father figures or anyting for this, it is nothing to blame anyone for anyway. It is our sexual heritage as humans, that the man that is not going to fight for his woman has not earned the priveleged of being her man.
ANd guess what, this is making the door wide open for some other man to come along, often some affair man, a man that makes the woman feel desired when he shows interest and the mettle that he will pursue what he desires.
ANd what a fire in a woman he lights, if her kindling is dry from years of neglect and resentment, when this affair man come along!
Add to that the element of sneaking and hiding (this tells the woman she is so desirable that the affair man is taking a risk for her), and you are laying the foundation, at least in the emotionally sense in the mind, of some seedy romance novel or movie, except multiply times ten thousand due to the emotional (chemical) addictions!!!!
The finess is just this, instead to feel this addction from some affair man, for the good man in his marriage to make sure he is feeling this from his woman, and his woman is feeling this from him.
I want to thank everyone for their post. I need as much information as I can to get thru this.
Zoe2 - You are exactly who I was looking for. If you are in the same situation and in my wife's shoes maybe I can figure out what she was thinking. My wife is very adamant that their relationship is stricktly friends and nothing physical ever happened. She did tell me that she liked it because of the attention he was giving her. And through this all, she tells me she loves me deeply and does not want to sleep with someone else. 95% of me believes her ...it's that f&$#@#ing 5% that keeps me up all night. I know you don't know her but is it possible to keep this type of texting relationship without taking the next step?
You do not want to settle for this relationship structure even with or witout the physical sex, for in your mind is torture either way and not a way to continue with integrity.
She should not be having that kind of texting relationship.
Its disrespectful to you...and even if it doesn't physically go there, emotionally he's in her brain. Don't let it continue - or perhaps don't let your marriage continue.
Do you think his W would like it?
Perhaps suggest to your W that the of you go to dinner and 'discuss' this texting relationship?
Perhaps his W would be fine with it. Ya think?
If your wife actually thinks that his W would be ok with it - than she is totally in a cloud.
Challenge her with that reality. Trust me.
This is advice from stillINshock worth its weight in gold.
To make this kind of "challenge" is maybe killing many birds with one stone, the most important making you look like a man who is willing to stand and fight for what he wants.
ANd that is what your actions and behaviors are needing to communicate in all things right now!