Moonlight

I posted a thread earlier about how I thought my boyfriend was having an emotional affair.

New and need help

I have confirmed this after a few hints, like this woman's number showing up constantly on my phone bill, and I saw text messages ( I wasn't actively snooping, I know how much that would create a rift ) from what I barely saw said "I miss you" and "I miss you more" and "I love you". from what I gather, they have only been talking for less than a month.

He has been separating himself from me emotionally and physically since a fall out with his family.Before he and this woman met I'm guessing.

Funny thing is, he also has been almost normal during our "good nights" and he has been doing some of his cutesy stuff lately, I think because I was being nice and nurturing. Maybe it was to cover up his other emotions as not to throw me off. I think he knows I know something is up?

anyways,

My problem is we talk and have great communication but since this he wont say a word. He is secretive now, like hiding the computer screen when I enter the room and shaving more often, and going on webcam with her.

I met him online in this same way, and he moved to my city soon after we fell in love. I'm afraid he will do the same with this woman.

Here are my questions, how should I bring this up to him? Should I wait it out? When I tell him I know whats going on and that I know he isn't interested in me anymore should I bring up the other woman?

This is very sudden for me because we were fine until this depression hit. I know it is also because we see way too much of each other.Our apartment is small, we use public transportation because we are students, so we don't go out much and without each other.

I know he still cares about me and there's some love there ( after 4 years Id hope) but I don't see this lasting. My other problem is should I end this now even though there's a few months left on the rent, and we both have no where to go? ( we probably would live together although we would be split) Should I do the " we should just be friends" thing for at least the time we are living together? we were best friends before this I don't see how it would be that different, just less talking I guess.

I'm at a loss here. Things have just took a HUGE turn for the worse in a matter of a month. We have such history but I'm not sure if I should put forth an effort anymore since he isn't.

Please help me, I'm in need of advice and some friends.

cao428

Hi Moonlight,

I know you are hurting, and it sounds like all of the signs to me of him being interested in someone else. If I were you I would ask him about it directly face to face and communicate in a calm but firm way that you sense things have changed and you sense there is someone else. Keep in mind to trust your gut as it is usually right!

You are both very young and going to school, and have your whole life ahead of you even though you may not be thinking about that right now because you love him. Please be encouraged that if this doesn't work out there will be a much better relationship for you around the corner! Just try to learn from your choices in the past.

I hope this was helpful..it is what I would tell my own daughter.

Moonlight

Thanks, Cao428.

Last night we talked about the distance between us again. He came into the bedroom to say goodnight and saw I was sad looking so he did cutesy stuff and then asked me whats wrong. I told him we've already talked about it. But then he asked again, and I told him how alone Ive felt and how Im losing my best friend, ( the other time we talked I said I FEEL LIKE Im losing my best friend). So then I said that if he wanted to break up with me then I should know and if he wanted to start talking to other people, let me know. He said if he wanted to break up he would have done it, and then he said something like WHO SAID I WAS TALKING TO ANYONE ELSE, (I cant remember exactly, and I should since this was key) but it wasnt said in a way like "are you accusing me of this" it was more "im not talking to anyone else.period" WHAT A LIE.

So then I told him sorry, and that Im trying to give him his space like he wants and I said well Im still here for you if you need to talk.

Basically I know that he wants to be left alone, and Im giving him that space but I needed to clarify where we stood. So when I move away he doesnt really want to talk to me, his fam, or anyone ( except the woman prob). he said hed call if he wants to talk.

He did this before, but last time I wasnt living with him before hand. There was no other woman last time and he moved back home.

Funny thing is, the way he snaps sometimes its like hes trying to blame me or find any little thing to put the hurt on. I think he feels guilt, I hope..

So he told me that I dont need to be sorry for crying. He went out in the early morning for an hour last night,I know he talked to her for 20 minutes. I read someone say on here, once the trust is broken the snooping is validated or is deserved because they lost that trust.Thats where Im at.

I told him to let me know when hes back and that I love him, he said he loved me and left in a huff, he came back said "im back" and left the room. this morning he came in and kissed me on my head while I was asleep. So I dont know what to do. I know he still loves me, and this going back and forth stuff is annoying. Im supposed to leave him alone but he does the cutesy stuff or kisses. He hasnt kissed me while I was sleeping in a little while.

I dont know. I guess Im going to wait this out until we move and go from there I guess. Any thoughts?

Also, Im not sorry for showing my emotions, I was using that to see what he would say, and Im glad he said not to be, thats exactly what he should have said. And he needs to know how this is hurting me.

Sometimes I think that when Im being nurturing and nice that he reacts better off of it, and I hope that he realizes how great it is to be with me. If I didnt do anything for him and REALLY left him alone he would be in a worse mood and make it easier to forget about us.I still want this to workout, but the trust is gone. I dont like this hanging on by a thread thing, where maybe he'll call when we are separated. He wants us to have space like that, but still I guess want the comfort of me, probably his stand by, you know?
He wants his cake and to eat it too.

cao428

Hi Moonlight,

Yes some men that cheat DO want their cake and eat it too and try to get away with it. My counselor told me some men cheat BECAUSE THEY CAN. (although I am sure that is the same for some women)

Did you tell him what you found and ask him to explain the text messages or did you let it go? It's awful to be in a situation where you don't know and can't trust your mate and they lie to you. Beileve me I know as I am in that situation too, but I am not going to stand for it much longer.

You are probably right to continue to be nice to him, and maybe give it some time and see if he continues his sneaky behavior. (Don't forget you also have to be careful about STDs) But don't wait to long as life is all about being happy. Keep us posted and good luck!

Moonlight

I think he is cheating because he can. I think also that he can't possibly LOVE this person like he had said after 3 weeks. I think he may just be so depressed and wanting something new that that emotion was the closest thing he could compare it to I guess?

I dont have to worry about the two of them meeting just yet. She is clear across the globe. But I dont think we'll be intimate again, it has been 8 months already. Although this isnt a physical affair,yet, it just feels so violating because I was that person he could turn to, and connect with.

No i hadnt specifically said anything about my evidence. Just tested the waters with the " if you want to start talking to other people" line. Not ready for that just yet...

We need each other before this big move. Economically mostly. Each day I feel as if Im coming to terms and peace with my situation, of course it gets off kilter when some new evidence surfaces but this has been a great outlet for my thoughts and queries. Thank you so much for your help cao428, I feel for you and your sit. with your husband. I will be updating on mine if something new happens, and will follow up on yours if you choose to do the same. Thanks again! You are in my thoughts.

cao428

Thank you so much Moonlight. I wish you the best and just remember to value yourself first and all will turn out right in the end, either with him or without. I will try to follow my own advice as well. No woman or man should settle for anything less than the best, and I think I have been for too long.

If he loses you it will be his loss, and another man's gain.

You will be in my thoughts as well.