Iím new to this site and have been reading many of your letters and decided to write.
Me and my husband got together in 2008 and in 2010 we decided to get married, I never wanted to ever get married which he was told but also then after we married it was the best thing I ever did, wouldnít of changed it! However I also did not want children either and this never really changed in my mind, we are both in the travel industry to which we can spend many days or weeks apart, but as he always told me this is what we do and we are strong and you know the saying time apart makes the heart grow fonder Really ?!?!?
Anyway cutting a long story short he decided that he wanted to have children at least one, I eventually came around and we decided to start trying one year after we got married, with no luck we started going to IVF clinics (November 2012) just to chat about the problem that I couldnít get pregnant and what they offer to help, January 2013 I had an operation to see if it would help and it did and in the January 2013 I fell pregnant, also at this time I realized my husband had started to act quite strange the last few months, I asked him if he had met someone else and he said no, this then played on my mind, he started going out a lot more, started getting angry and mad with me, I got texts which of course were not for me, which he covered up with another story, I found things in his bathroom which he again covered up with another story, when I was traveling he was out with the boys apparently. He blocked me on whatsapp in the January until I had researched why he could not receive my messages, and again he covered it up with another story! I knew in my GUT that he was up to something but I could not prove itÖÖ Even he did not bring phone bills home but not that that would help as everything now is done on either facebook, whatsapp or blackberry bb.
I went on through 2013 feeling like a paranoid mess, depressed, drained and feeling like crap constantly with him telling me Iím crazy to think these things, he sent me emails / texts saying heís upset with me thinking these things and that he loves me and its us and only us! Then in April 2013 I miscarried the baby, which was devastating especially more so after I had heard the babies heartbeat only a few days before, this is when I got attached.
During the next few months we decided as a couple to try again as he really wanted a baby and so did I, each month I took tablets and injections which made me ill but I still went along with it, even thou I still knew in my gut he was up to something, But in the end I thought maybe it is me as I still could not prove anything! Even my best friend and my sister told me I could ruin my marriage if Iím not careful, thinking these things, all they ever said was heís a lovely guy and he loves me and would never do this to me, I tried to block my gut feelings out but they just remained.
In November 2013 I decided to take the decision that I was done with trying for a baby, my husband didnít seem motivated about it anymore and wasnít very motivated for us, all he was motivated for was his Ipod, Ipad, Internet, TV and going out with the boys, which was awful as we were always so active in the house and outside the house. Once I told him of my decision to not try again his answer was he doesnít want to go through another miscarriage should it happen?
However 24th December 2013 I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant, 3 days later I had a man show up at my door and tell me his wife and my husband are sleeping together! At that point I should have maybe given my husband the benefit of the doubt but instantly I just thought THANK YOU, a whole big whooping load of weight instantly moved from my shoulders, I now knew I wasnít crazy!!!! And whoever up there was listening to me (my Nan) thank you for giving me a sign, even if it was not a nice one!
He was traveling for work on this day and was landing in 10 minutes, so once he had landed I told him to call me, of course he denied everything for 2 days, lied through his teeth. Until he was on a flight back home 2 days later, I called the woman again (she would not answer my calls the day her husband came to my door) finally she answered but also lied nothing had happen and blamed her husband that he wasnít taking their separation well. After I called her husband again also to explain what she had said about him, I told him I was pregnant and want answers, he rung her and told her I was pregnant and that she had to tell me the truth. Finally she said she would only tell me the truth if I was pregnant - I was sooooooo angry. She rung me 15 minutes later crying and apologizing which I told her I was not interested in listening to, sheís only sorry course she got caught! She admitted everything, and I recorded and documented everything she said. However she did say it had only been going on for 6 weeks but I did not believe that, I moved out and once my husband landed home I did not hear from him for 14 hours to which I then got a text saying, ď I know you know everythingĒ
I went to the house on 02 nd January and this is when he finally confirmed my suspicions, this has been going on since October 2012. Wham, Happy New Year to me!
Heís now also decided he thinks its best if we donít have this baby as he will never forgive himself if we break up and we have brought a baby into a broken home, I have told him with or without him if this baby decides to stay this time then I am keeping it. I am 38 years old and I live in United Arab Emirates, so things are a little different here, but if it means I have to go home to the UK after 15 years to do this then I will, I have lots of friends and family at home and this baby will be covered in love it doesnít need him. But I donít think he has the right to tell me to not have this baby after what he has done, Iíve been through hell in 2013 trying to have a baby because he wanted this along with losing 3 close family members to cancer, and a miscarriage.
I just really cannot understand why someone could be so cruel to make me try to have a baby with them and go through all doctors, injections, tablets each month when he is sleeping with someone else!!!
We are off to Counseling on 19th January, should be interesting as he has basically tried to turn is infidelity into it all being my fault! I am totally ready for this day and I am going to slap it all on him. Iím not taking the blame for him crossing the line!
Iím sorry this is as long as a book but this is only a ľ of what happened and is happening, but I just need to maybe voice this to people I donít know.
What kind of counseling are you going to? I would suggest you hold off on marriage counseling until you decided if you want to stay in the marriage. Individual counseling might be better to help you clear your mind and make the right choice for you.
Sadly your story is all familiar to a lot of us. Circumstances may differ in certain ways but all way too familiar :-(. My heart is sadden every time I come on here and read another heartbreak. :-(. I am in a similar kind of way with my husband after finding out about his affair with his assistant on and off for few months. Difference is mine walked out on me and i am left confused myself. I have a similar story in the way as before he left we were talking about having a baby only to be blown away discovering his affair. Now i know why the talks minimized :-(. He did not want you to have a baby probably so his conscience would be clear to continue what he was doing :-(. Why else would he say in case you split up. It was probably already a thought for him to speak it.
I have been lied to over and over again and they will always deny deny until they have been cornered with facts or truth.
Do not trust the words, trust in his actions. I fell for all the lies and now i no longer listen to what he says but what he does. I love my husband dearly despite his horrific behavior and pain he has caused me, that being said, i also know the wounds are too fresh to dive into repair.
You need to first come to grips with it all as I am doing. It is way too soon for you to jump into reconciling right now. I am not saying do not do it but take some time to really absorb things and let it sit to see how you start to feel. You cant dive right into repair. Baby steps. He needs to show you before any of that starts that he is trying and wants things to work. Have him come home if you want and let his actions show you his true intent. Then you can move forward in any decision whatever it is.
I am in same place as you. I am on an emotional roller coaster that goes from anger, intense grief and sadness to hysterical crying. Wounds take time to heal. Take care of you right now and think about yourself and what you need now...you are not alone in your grief :-(
I am so sorry you are here. I am glad you are going to IC, I really think MC will be a waste at this point.
It is not a surprise he is trying to blame you for his PA, this is typical blame shift when some one is caught. Since you live in the middle east I have to ask about religion and nationality. This is a great site but it would be helpful to know a little bit more about him and what he is saying to you right now.
Have you seen your doctor since this has all come out? I am worried of course about STD's for you but also for the health of the baby. Please get into see him right away.
Why are you going to MC with this man? He has gone the extra mile to deceive and betray you. You must know that we all will have the same reaction, which is that it takes a particular type of lowlife to be having a long-term affair while he is actively trying to get his W pregnant.
Go back home. Have a wonderful life with your new child. Put the two of them up on cheaterville.
When you go to the counseling, make it clear to the counselor what your intentions are and what you intend to get out of the sessions. MC is not only to save a marriage but sometimes to gracefully and civilly bow out of a bad situation/ marriage. It can be a good way to gain closure on a bad situation and move on healthier. Since he is always going to be the child's father, then you may need to learn how to deal with the possible future co-parenting. Just because he doesn't want it now, doesn't mean he won't in a few years.