Grateful, everything has a price, be it an object like a house or a car, or in this case a relationship. While it's a little more difficult to consult the "Blue Book" to get an appraised value on your marriage, intuitively you know when the values been exceeded.
Once exceeded, the next rational move is dissolution. Notice I didn't say it was easy. Just that it was rational. I am/was married for 19 years. The divorce is final in 2 or 3 weeks. What I was reminded of during this period is that it takes two people to want a relationship in order for it to work. One person trying to hold a marriage together is otherwise known as a martyr or a sucker. It depends on who you ask.
Sadly, sometimes the only ones you can save is yourself and your family. Trying to make "sense" of this will only consume you. People sometimes do stupid things. I guess that's what makes them people. Trust me when I say there isn't an algorithm to solve this particular problem.
You guys are all very helpful in all of this, Thanks much to all of you. Turnera, I did read the article about what to do when you find out about an affair, but I disagreed with some of it. It's her decision to have an affair. I called her dad first, we met for coffee and I told him. He was pissed. Then I talked to her mom, she was devastated. I talked to the closest set of personal friends we have, they tried to contact her to no avail, she text them and told them it was a decision she had to make, and she would decide what was best.
I called me pastor, and he gave me the usual counsel about trying to make it work.
I don't think it is my place to call the kids parents, (he only has a mom, dad bailed I think), and I don't think it's my place to call her boss. That is over-stepping it a little in my opinion.
Willzy, you are a wise person, I can tell. I appreciate your advice. From a chat room perspective, what you're saying is spot on. I can't take living in my buddies basement, sending her money, paying half of everything, while she sits around and tries to decide whether or not she loves me while she's still seeing the other guy.
That is just morally wrong, and any person who would do that is in essence a bad person (not that I'm judging).
I have to stand up for myself, and tell her how it's going to be if she's going to stick with me. Otherwise, if I sit back and take this S%*& on the chin, she's going to know that she can use and abuse me as much as she wants.
I can walk over to the mirror right now, and look in it and say "I am the man, and father I want to be"
I realize she is making a bad decision, and I've tried to support her, but when she gives no response and acts so coldly towards me, it's hard to accept, and I've decided NOT to accept it.
It's been a crazy ride these last few weeks. Here's the kicker, she's only known the kid since around June 1st!
"the PURPOSE of those seven steps is to wear the affair down until it becomes apparent that the marriage is by far a better choice - more moral, more comforting, more desirable."
Why should I "wear" the affair down? If she can have attraction for another person in such a fashion, what makes me think she wouldn't do this in the future, or has seriously fallen out of love for me?
Why should I "wear" the affair down? If she can have attraction for another person in such a fashion, what makes me think she wouldn't do this in the future..."
You say you have read the articles in question: but you are asking the questions they answer! You even say you disagree with them - but we are telling you - these things work, and there are specific reasons why the steps are there, in the order they come, and there are reasons why they work.
If you did read the article evaluating WHY affairs start, then you can (hopefully) put two and two together to see that there are ways to make a marriage affair-proof. In fact, in most cases, a marriage that survives an affair - and works on recovery - becomes MUCH stronger.
There is no absolute guarantee that you can avoid this in the future - but the tools we offer here (and that you can find on other marriage sites - say, marriagebuilders.com) increase the chances of a good marriage incrementally.
Quote:
"...or has seriously fallen out of love for me?..."
The REASON affairs happen is because one spouse (or both) stop loving the other. That's a given. It happens in ALL affairs. This is not a special case, nor is it different than any other (besides the fact that you and your spouse are involved...)
BUT
Quote:
The only problem with me moving back in, is I'm living in a house with a woman who is having an affair with me and I'd rather live apart and go through the divorce. I'm just having a hard time calling it quits. She wants time, but won't tell me why.
Perhaps you sleeping around on her has something to do with it?
Look, you made a vow to her, she made a vow to you. Emotions are irrelevant: the vows are. You made a promise, she made a promise. Neither of you are keeping your word. Both of you lied to one another at the altar, eh?
Affairs, for the most part, do not last. All they do is destroy marriages, and then harm the people involved (kall it karma.)
My question: since you are having an affair, and want a divorce, why are you on this forum at all?
...The only problem with me moving back in, is I'm living in a house with a woman who is having an affair with me and I'd rather live apart and go through the divorce. I'm just having a hard time calling it quits. She wants time, but won't tell me why.
Hey folks did you miss this part?
Grateful doesn't want to recover his marriage because he's having an affair of his own! He's just having a hard time killing his marriage and destroying his family.
I called her parents, I called my minister, I called several close friends. She is shutting everyone down according to what I've heard. I don't think I should call her boss, that would be over-stepping my boundaries. I will be offline for a while guys, but thanks for your advice. The fact remains, i have to hold myself together through all of this, and be able to look myself in the mirror and say "I am the man, and father I want to be". If I play into her affair, and give her attention, and put all this work in and she dismisses EVERY BIT of it, and continues to lie, why should I sit around and take it? I made me decision, I appreciate everyone's advice. I wrote her a note tonight, I will copy the test into the next post so you can read it. Thanks all
Sarah,
At this point, I am in this for the kids. Nothing I said about doing this amicably has changed. I know there was a lot of emotion involved when I gave you that ultimatum and you declined it, but let’s please not lose sight of what’s most important.
I want to do this as easy, and quickly, and cheaply as possible. If it’s possible, I would like to have one lawyer draw everything up, based on our mediation, and submit it. I do not want/nor can I afford to “lawyer up” and try to start a fight. I had a conversation with Andy about that, he had a lawyer that wanted to fight for this and that, and in the end it wasn’t worth the money he paid to be fighting for small ****.
I am sorry that is went this way, I don’t understand things and I don’t think you do either. In a way, I am letting you go so that you can live the life that you feel I couldn’t provide anymore.
Sarah, for the love of our children, please keep your promise of making this ordeal as simple as possible.
I am going to do everything I can to accommodate you living in the house, and I am even going to stay in the school district so that our kids can have as small of an affect as possible.
During my visitations, I am going to stay in the house since my name is still on the lien and I’m still making half the payment.
I will not take a hit on the house, if you want to “buy out” my equity. I do not deserve any more sucker punches.
I will negotiate with you as much as you want, and as calmly as you will allow.
In the interim, I will continue to pay half the mortgage, half the electric, half the water, my car and insurance, and the kids’ insurance premiums.
I am doing this all on trust that you will keep your promise to keep things amicable.
Emotions are high right now, but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not let it affect the kids any more than it aleady has.
What is it with guys coming here lately who are just ready to quit and give in without even trying to save the marriage? How is that honorable? How is that serving your children?
And you didn't answer Pete and Affaircare's question. Was that a mistake you wrote that you were having an affair, too? I'm confused.
HOLY S*&^ Affaircare! Out of context, I mis-typed that. What I meant to say was the only problem with me moving back into "OUR" house, (the house that my soon to be ex-wife) is that my soon to be ex-wife is having an affair.
I am living in my buddies basement, I'm not having an affair!
My wife is having the affair, and I refuse to live in the spare bedroom and ignore all her phone calls and texts to this guy.
Turnera, I read "love and respect", I watched "Fireproof" .......... I forgave my wife and told her if she'd quit the affair I'd move back in and work on things.
Trust me, I know what you're saying, but I am also a man of respect and honor. (I am a OEF/OIF Vet) I do not deserve to be treated like this, by anyone, ESPECIALLY my wife. I have hung in there since I found out about the affair, which was around June 26th. I know it seems like a short time (52 days) but it is absolute TORMENT to know that my wife is going out with a guy at night (instead of her girlfriends like she says she is) and cheating on me. I can't hang on anymore!
Please explain to me why you think it's wrong to call this KID's parents? If your child was 22 and was sleeping with a married woman, wouldn't you want to know? He is young enough that his parents still hold a lot of influence over him and are still invested in helping to raise him right. IMO, you OWE them a phone call so they can know what their child is doing.
Not to mention that it will likely end the affair. Nearly all such cases where the older woman finds a college kid end when his parents find out and pull him up straight and he bails on her.
You ask why you should work at it, what's to prevent her from doing more?
YOU ARE.
YOU are supposed to be taking on YOUR responsibility for how your marriage got this way in the first place that she NEEDED to look elsewhere, and you owe your family the work it takes to FIX your half of the problems, so that she can see a reason to come back to you.
Instead, you just go 'fine! whatever!' That's the easy way out.
Turnera, I read "love and respect", I watched "Fireproof" .......... I forgave my wife and told her if she'd quit the affair I'd move back in and work on things.
Trust me, I know what you're saying, but I am also a man of respect and honor. (I am a OEF/OIF Vet) I do not deserve to be treated like this, by anyone, ESPECIALLY my wife. I have hung in there since I found out about the affair, which was around June 26th. I know it seems like a short time (52 days) but it is absolute TORMENT to know that my wife is going out with a guy at night (instead of her girlfriends like she says she is) and cheating on me. I can't hang on anymore!
No one said it was easy. But you are talking about ripping your kids' lives apart because you can't hang on? Sounds like you consider your marriage, and your kids' future, expendable.
Sorry, and thanks for your service, but I don't see you doing anywhere NEAR the work you could have been doing to stop this affair in its tracks. Now that you are here and getting advice, you're just ready to quit?
I've seen men hang in for 12 or more months, biting their tongue, fighting the affair and the fog, ignoring their wives comments, waiting for the affair to die down as it almost always does, FOR THEIR KIDS.
Instead, you want out because of your pride? Because you won't 'deserve' to let someone do this to you? Uh, ok.
Turnera, I looked at myself. She is fabricating things that I did, in order to justify herself. I am a good man. I looked back and saw that I've been a good dad, I've been a good husband. I've provided. She has no justification for what she did!
I will look into calling the kids mom, but that's way out of my league in my opinion. Yeah, she ought to know, but even if she does influence him, my wife cheated. Gotta run, be back on tomorrow guys. Thanks for all the advice, and quit beatin up on me, would ya'
She is fabricating things that I did, in order to justify herself.
So what?
If you HAVE read the material, you would understand that she is not herself right now. She is trapped back in the back of her mind somewhere, while an alien runs her body, and she can't get out. YOU could be helping her out of this fog.
She is an addict, addicted to the 'feel good' of cheating. But she is not happy. She's happy like a coke addict, while she flies, but when she crashes, she crashes.
YOU could be the hero here, and be patient and understanding and strong and unwavering, and show her the way home.
If you have read the material, you'll know that, if you can get her free of the affair, and you can work on what YOU contributed to the bad marriage, you can have your old wife back - a contrite, sorry, embarrassed, and grateful wife who is glad you waited it out. But it takes work on your part. Not trying to be mean, just to shake you out of this 'mission' you're on to walk away before you should. Before it's too late.
HOLY S*&^ Affaircare! Out of context, I mis-typed that. What I meant to say was the only problem with me moving back into "OUR" house, (the house that my soon to be ex-wife) is that my soon to be ex-wife is having an affair.
I am living in my buddies basement, I'm not having an affair!
My wife is having the affair, and I refuse to live in the spare bedroom and ignore all her phone calls and texts to this guy.
sorry for the confusion.
Okay WHEW!!! Because if you were having an affair I was going to Glad to at least clear up that confusion.
Re: Help, I'm absolutely Clueless right now 
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at 
Glad to at least clear up that confusion.
