I sent that yesterday, to no avail. I am going to sit back and let her talk.
Ok, now I'm confused again: yesterday you were dead set on that divorce: now you are working on things? What is your plan of action? What do you REALLY want out of this? I've said this before on other threads: without direction you get swept around like a boat without a rudder. If you make a concrete plan, decide on a course of action, you won't be knocked around, thrown back and forth, etc...so...what is the course you wish to take?
Personally, I'd pull for your marriage - in my opinion, it's always better to work on the marriage - success means a much stronger, healthier, and more pleasant marriage and environment. It's good for you!
It's been less than two weeks since D-Day, right? I think the first thing to do is to tell yourself you will make no decisions for at least a month. You can't trust your decisions right now because your emotions are overruling them.
Pete, I have made up my mind to initiate a divorce.
Greatful~is this still where you stand? And if so why are you still responding to her? I understand you are tired an have been stressed out. I don't understand if you are sure of what you want? I would either work it out or not, why keep putting yourself through the the pain.
If I wanted to work this out I would have to take the hard steps to do so. I would work through what is wrong with me first and then on with the rest of the situation.
Why the texting back and forth, why not face to face communication? I want to look into the persons eyes, so I can see their heart and know the truth for myself.
No matter what the out come, you have to be friends to one another for you children so why not start now.
Hey guys, that's what we're doing. (Sorry, I don't know how to quote the specific details like you guys!)
We are still proceeding with the divorce, we have a meeting with the lawyer august 31st. That is worst case I guess. Since I made the decision, based on her unwillingness to ditch the boyfriend, she has started communication for some reason. We can talk about things more freely.
I made the commitment a while ago to make myself a better person, with the help of several books, and the movie "fireproof".
we're emailing each other back and forth while we're at work. when I have a hard time standing face to face with her knowing about the boyfriend, it disgusts me. Plus, we are both much more open in e-mails, no emotions involved??
And we are being kind to each other, in emails and in front of the kids. she is understanding about my sleep problem and agreed to keep the kids during one of my days ....... I'm sure I'll return the favor.
It sounds weird, but we're talking more now that we decided, almost like a weight is lifted.
I can say this about myself, I cannot stand long decision processes, and that should NOT be the case with a divorce, but it's the way I am. (Calm down Pete!)
I say things this week, and maybe in a month in a half she'll say something like "You know, I quit hanging around with Wide-Mike" ...... you never know, we'll see.
It's not that I'm begging for this to work (CALM DOWN PETE!), but I guess I understand that my feelings may change within the 3 - 6 months that this all takes. But in the meantime, we're separating all our finances.
"It's been less than two weeks since D-Day, right? I think the first thing to do is to tell yourself you will make no decisions for at least a month. You can't trust your decisions right now because your emotions are overruling them."
I understand Turnera, but since the divorce takes 3 - 6 months, we're still financially (and in at least my case emotionally) preparing for separation.
"And I am 99.999999999% certain that the problem that pre-existed is your pride. Your wife simply did not want to be a trophy that you added to your collection of All The Things That Make You Acceptable To Society. She wants to be a person in her own right, someone who is appreciated for what she is and contributes, rather than a medal on your shoulder."
Pete, you wrote that. I mentioned in counseling once, that I had "put her on the wall" next to the house, cars, and experiences.
She lives and works in Iowa, and I travel 25% of the time around the world. I won't list the countries, for fear of sounding like I'm bragging. When I come home, I think it's easier just to not talk too much about the places and things, because it will seem like I'm boasting about it.
You guys are right, I need to ask her pointedly, and without fear of opinion, what she HONESTLY saw wrong with me, and sit back and listen.
I did most of the talking in counseling, partly because I can't shutup most of the time, especially about my emotions.
unfortunately, I think my wife will agree that it was a communication breakdown that caused all of this, and I'd have to agree.
like i mentioned in many of my posts, I wanted counseling for a while but always failed to initiate it.
Greatfu, I made a mistake in my marriage, do to lack of communication. We had the american dream and were living the good life. But we became complacent and allowed our wants to get in the way of our needs.
Pride came before the fall and well the deck of cards tumbled and fell to the ground. Then while picking up the cards we learned that the blame game was easy to play. Yes see the lawyer, do the seperation, do the finacial seperation, ect. During this process we relized that it was not what we really wanted.
But the real thing we needed to do was sit down and decided what we want out of what we have now. And so we did and we worked on that, because you can not live in the past.
You can only forgive the past and go on with the future. The what if's do not matter anymore. It's the do I love youes that matter and what can I do to make this work that matter. But we both wanted it to work because deep down in our heart's all the resentment was not worth loseing what we had built together. No matter who comes into our lifes if we continue the same pattern of mistakes then nothing will change.
We learned that our higher power comes first and the rest will follow. We communicated truth excepting who we are and how we needed to change to make our marriage work. We excepted the past as just that the past.
This is a hard to do and it has to be something that both partners want. But it takes time, forgivness and understanding. You need the help of someone who is neutral to the situation, and the hardest part is listening. But it can work and the marriage will be better for it...
As bad as you are hurting, you need to be tough and smart right now. I wouldn't file just yet. I would agree to her "time out from us" deal, play the meek, agreeable spouse, and I'd hire a good private investigator. I'd get as much dirt documented as possible and be prepared to take custody of my son. Otherwise, your son is gong to be tucked in at night by this 22 year old or God only knows who else. She's got someone on the side so she's motivated to leave. You don't have that problem. You can afford to be patient. When it comes time for talking property and money, if she really is anxious to be with Mr. Grocery Bagger, she'll sign whatever you put in front of her. Seven years is a long time, but it's less than eight.
Well, here is the update. I told her she could take time if that's what she thought she needed. She said "no" and that she's moving ahead with the divorce. UNBELIEVABLE, Iowa is a "No Fault" state, so nothing she is doing can be held against her. My focus here is getting everything split right down the middle, that's her goal too. It's a bad deal, but I'm dealing with it as best I can. I got off all the meds the doctor gave me, the anti-anxiety stuff was making me anxious, and the sleep stuff was keeping me up at night!
I'll keep you guys up to date, and thanks again for all the support.
Oh yeah, the only reason she "opened" up to me last friday was to cover up for her friend that she's been hanging around with, who is cheating on her husband too. My wife wanted to tell me "her" side of the story, which included alibis that protected her friend. Everything she spewed to me last friday was a lie, presumably.