Okay, here goes. I travel for a living. In June I was gone for basically the whole month. I came home to find that my 31 year old wife of 7 years had had a 22 year old guy that she met from work (school teacher) come over to help my son with t-ball. then him and a female friend of ours had watched a movie, but when the female friend left, he stayed. I came home from my trip, found TONS of texts, and confronted her. Her and I went to counseling and I realized a lot of things that I was doing wrong. I can only be accused of not doing the dishes ENOUGH, or not doing ENOUGH laundry, or not spending ENOUGH time with the kids. I found out a lot of things, and started to make some changes. She agreed to shut off communication to "the kid". Then I had to go on another business trip. When I left, we hugged and kissed, and she told me to hurry back to we could go to the country fair and hang out in the beer garden! About halfway through my two week trip, I noticed a sharp change in the way she acted towards me. She told me she was going to a concert with a female friend, when in fact she went with "the kid". A personal friend of both of ours found an email that my wife had sent from his computer and told me about it, where my wife and the kid stated something about soulmates (not sure who said what), and my wife confessed to not being able to deal with the lies and deceit. When I found out about that email, I moved out of the house, and in with a friend. I found out last Sunday (August 8th) and tuesday had a realtor come look at the house, and thursday we went to mediation to separate our things, and it all went fine. But then, on friday afternoon, I had this weird feeling, and I felt guilty about not being there emotionally for her like she needed. My wife and I are both nice looking people, she's beautiful and exudes confidence. I am attractive, I think. "The kid" is 22, works at a grocery store, going to school, and has been described to me a looking like a "troll", and moderately overweight. I do not understand a thing about this. My wife asked me last sunday (august 15th) for 2 weeks of time off "from us". she is largely non-communicative about the whole thing. I don't know if she wants two weeks off to try to get her "S*%$" together for a divorce, or if she's going to try to make this work and needs 2 weeks to get her head in the right place. When i asked her pointedly (via text) "Is this you calling it quits?" she did not respond. We are amicable about things, visitation, financial stuff. I have been to counselors, and keep hearing the same thing, and that's probably what I'll get here, but who knows maybe someone will have something new to shed.
My viewpoint, two weeks is nothing. I can do that. It pains me to sit back and deal with her basically ignoring me, but maybe she's trying to deal with what she did. We live in a small town where she is a school teacher, and the ramifications that she is going to have to deal with when she goes back to school (tomorrow aug 18th) could be significant. The other part of me thinks that 2 weeks could give "the kid" more time to work on her.
All for now, back to work. Thanks in advance for any thoughts
She is shutting me down, we refuses to talk to me, much less look at me. I travel for a living, so I cannot be the one who stays in the house. I work an hour away, she works 4 minutes away! I leave before her for work, and get home after her. There is no way I could make her leave.
my point still stands. you are making this too easy and convenient for her. tell her you are moving back. this shouldnt be a discussion, it is your home too and presumably you still have keys. just move back in and tell her you are still married and you want to work on making your marriage better. if she is unwilling to be in the same house as you then that is her choice but the onus is on her to make alternative living arrangements.
where does this kid live... dorm? shared student house? parents? i'll bet a break suddenly won't seem so appealing.
Okay, after reading a few other posts, this is what I am thinking of doing. I am going home tonight to visit with the kids. I am going to give her an ultimatum and stand up for myself. "You stop talking to this guy entirely, and open the communication between us, or I'm through and filing for divorce"
It's just so hard though, because we have two wonderful kids, and our marriage WAS good until she cheated. But the more I read about cheating spouses, the less faith I have in her making it work. She's a cheating spouse to the "T" with all the uncharacteristic lies, and deceit that she had never exhibited before.
the kid lives in an apartment. my wife and him have mutual friends who are mostly college students. The only problem with me moving back in, is I'm living in a house with a woman who is having an affair with me and I'd rather live apart and go through the divorce. I'm just having a hard time calling it quits. She wants time, but won't tell me why.
It sounds like she has virtually no guilt at all. Separate your finances, cut off her credit cards. If she wants a broke a$$ student instead of a husband, I can assure you that there are vast numbers of women out there more worthy of your love then her. They always affair down. I am sure the OM is a troll. Just stay strong and move forward.
Duration, you made a good point. If she felt guilt, she'd console me in some way, or tell me why it happened. After the initial shock of it all wore off, I tried to CONSOLE HER! and she was unresponsive. I'd hate to do something harsh, and give her an ultimatum, but basically if she doesn't accept this ultimatum there is nothing I can do further; "You cut off all contact with this kid, confess everything, or I go file for divorce tomorrow"
I don't understand what she would need time for, unless she's planning divorce under her circumstances (she likes to be in control), or if she's trying to figure out if she wants to make it work or not. maybe she has cut the guy off, but she won't talk to me, so I don't know. I can't drag myself through this stuff for 2 weeks, plus that's giving her the advantage.
Well, I just called her and said that I'm willing to work, as long as she's willing to cut off all communication to "the kid" and she said "no" so looks like we're filing. It's actually easier KNOWING that it's going to happen, than to spend 2 weeks in limbo about it. It's also nice to know that it's not my fault
Well, I just called her and said that I'm willing to work, as long as she's willing to cut off all communication to "the kid" and she said "no" so looks like we're filing. It's actually easier KNOWING that it's going to happen, than to spend 2 weeks in limbo about it. It's also nice to know that it's not my fault
Grateful, you are giving up way too fast. You are jumping past half a dozen steps you can take to save your marriage! Why should you roll over and play dead for an affair? You have kids involved! A divorce is more damaging to them than almost any other thing that can happen.
There are things you can do to get your real wife back. I am stunned that no one has pointed out to you that what you are going through is STANDARD behavior for a disloyal spouse. There is nothing new here, she is not acting in unexpected ways.
Not only that - but the chance of an affair actually working out is so slim that in essence, your wife is throwing away her marriage for a lottery ticket that MAY offer a million dollars!
Seriously. Do you want your marriage, or are you thrilled that it is over?
If you are NOT happy about this, then SLOW DOWN.
If you want to save your marriage, then there is work to be done.
Take a little time to adjust, and then settle in for the work you need to do to save your marriage. It can be done. And it starts by looking at reality.
Thanks for your words. That's why I came on this site to hear from people like you. After seeing how my wife has reacted to my ultimatum, I saw a new side of her. She only mentioned the equity in the house, and what we were going to do with it. I didn't include the counseling that we went to for 6 sessions (where she nodded her head and lied)
Nothing I have said has cemented anything yet, but this is what SHE wants. If I thought that it was in her to love me again, I'd work on it. I have 2 sets of close friends, who went through affairs and got through it, but they communicated. She isn't even doing that. I gave her an ultimatum expecting her to freak out, and she said "Nope". I will read the article about WHY affairs happen, I've already read the one about what to do now that you've found out about an affair (and I had already done it all!) and the saving the marriage article, I can't imagine that'd be worth anything to me at this point. I'm the one calling and setting up the counselor appointments, I'm the one talking to my minister about what "I" did .......
Thanks for your words. That's why I came on this site to hear from people like you. After seeing how my wife has reacted to my ultimatum, I saw a new side of her. She only mentioned the equity in the house, and what we were going to do with it. I didn't include the counseling that we went to for 6 sessions (where she nodded her head and lied)
Nothing I have said has cemented anything yet, but this is what SHE wants. If I thought that it was in her to love me again, I'd work on it. I have 2 sets of close friends, who went through affairs and got through it, but they communicated. She isn't even doing that. I gave her an ultimatum expecting her to freak out, and she said "Nope". I will read the article about WHY affairs happen, I've already read the one about what to do now that you've found out about an affair (and I had already done it all!) and the saving the marriage article, I can't imagine that'd be worth anything to me at this point. I'm the one calling and setting up the counselor appointments, I'm the one talking to my minister about what "I" did .......
Pete, thank you.
My marriage is in a similar boat in the fact that my wife wants to leave me and I am the one trying to save it. She won't do anything to save it. Only states that we've tried it all. Even though all attempts before to fix the problems in our marriage have failed, neither of us have tried at the same time, nor have we had all the information we have now to work with. Hell I am the only one going to counseling.
Instead she's being selfish and unwilling to try. I don't want to be married to someone that doesn't want to be married to me. So I have shifted from trying to be a loving and caring husband, to a friend that just wants her out of my house ASAP so I can start healing.
ignore all the questions you are asking yourself. 'how cld she do this' 'how cld i ever l get over it' 'why doesnt she feel guilty'
those can be dealt with later.
only one question to answer right now:
'is the best long-term plan for me to have a happy loving marriage with my wife and keep my family together?'
if the answer is yes then just read more and don't make snap decisions. at the very least think about your wife here, she is on the verge of making a mistake she will regret for ever and you owe it to her and your children to try to stop that happening.
dont expect her to feel guilty, or show you any love, or be remotely rational. at the moment the kid is everything that's good and you are everything that's bad. that's because reality is not intruding for her.
take a step back, read as much as you can and start to think a bit more clinically about the steps you can take to influence the outcome.
trust me on this. i was where you were only a few weeks ago. and now we are back together talking about how to make our future together better.
Nothing I have said has cemented anything yet, but this is what SHE wants. If I thought that it was in her to love me again, I'd work on it. I have 2 sets of close friends, who went through affairs and got through it, but they communicated. She isn't even doing that.
She doesn't have to. You're just giving up and giving her what she wants - half your money and freedom.
Stop participating. If you want her, slow down, and take this step by step. You do NOT have to agree to a divorce!
Quote:
I've already read the one about what to do now that you've found out about an affair (and I had already done it all!)
So, you called the one most important person in her life, told them she's cheating, and asked them to talk to her?
After you did that, and it didn't work (I assume, since you are divorcing already), you THEN called her parents, her siblings, her important other relatives, her best friends, her pastor, and her boss, and told THEM that she's cheating, and asked THEM to talk to her?
And after that, you called this KID's parents and told THEM that he's seeing a married woman?
Nothing I have said has cemented anything yet, but this is what SHE wants.
It would be really strange to hear someone who has 'found their soul mate' (as ridiculous a concept as that is...) and is actively pursuing the affair to argue that what they REALLY want is their soul mate to go away so they can be back with the person who is causing their misery! Of COURSE she wants this! The marriage is in the way of her 'happiness!'
Pay no attention to this - her thinking is fogged to where she can't see anything correctly. You need to clarify YOUR thinking so that you can become a lighthouse to lead her back home - to a new home that has been changed to be more conducive to a healthy relationship.
Quote:
If I thought that it was in her to love me again, I'd work on it.
Love is action. She can love you again. In fact, the old feelings of like, lust, desire, happiness, etc., can even come back (they will if the marriage recovers.)
It isn't that she can't love you. Fact is, she won't love you right now.
Pay no attention to this - it is a fog bound person talking to you.
Quote:
I have 2 sets of close friends, who went through affairs and got through it, but they communicated. She isn't even doing that.
Of course she isn't. You are not the focus of her life right now. You don't go about communicating with other women, do you? Your focus is her. When she turns back to facing you, you'll be able to communicate.
Here's a little piece of advice: You CANNOT work on your marriage until the affair ends. Do NOT expect 'communication' (that is, work on the marriage) until the affair ends. You just won't get it. Right now, focus on ending the affair.
Quote:
I gave her an ultimatum expecting her to freak out, and she said "Nope".
More than likely, she will use the ultimatum to argue about how bad you are, and to justify her reason to have an affair.
Step one is to gather evidence: you have that.
Step two is to confront. I am assuming that was your 'ultimatum'. However, if you read the article on the seven steps, you'll see that we advise you NOT to expect the 'ultimatum' to be received with joy. Your wife's response is typical. The reason you confront her and make the STATEMENT that you are aware of the affair - and are requesting that it end - is to set you on the track toward recovery by officially giving notice that the affair is known, understood, and un-desired. Nothing more.
Quote:
I will read the article about WHY affairs happen, I've already read the one about what to do now that you've found out about an affair (and I had already done it all!) and the saving the marriage article, I can't imagine that'd be worth anything to me at this point.
So you read the seven steps - and decided that they can't possibly work for you.....
...because your wife is having an affair?
I don't get it - the PURPOSE of those seven steps is to wear the affair down until it becomes apparent that the marriage is by far a better choice - more moral, more comforting, more desirable.
Those seven steps are not designed to end an affair that is not happening! What would be the point of that?
Quote:
I'm the one calling and setting up the counselor appointments, I'm the one talking to my minister about what "I" did .......
That's all well and good - but it is also work on the marriage - which is ineffective until the affair ends.
As has been said: slow down. Calm down. And prepare yourself for a possibly long haul. If your marriage means anything to you, it is worth the effort.
Help, I'm absolutely Clueless right now 
