Cheating husband
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 08-18-2010, 08:13 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Cheating husband

I suspect that my husband has been cheating on me. I went through his phone and hes been calling some woman around 5 times a day in the early morning hours. I am extremely angry and upset about this!!! I don't know what to do. Please help!!!!!
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Old 08-18-2010, 08:27 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi,
18 months ago I rang my fiance and a woman answered the phone, it turned out he was living with her on a part time basis and she had just had his child, this was a few weeks before our wedding, I don't know whether it was shock or stupidity but I went though with the wedding! I have never been able to deal with failuire and I gues ending it and having to call off the wedding would have been admitting I got it wrong. Since then I have foud he has been calling and texting other woemen, he defaulted his phone to not save sent messages, I had an incling and changed the phone settings and found messages, he denies it and somehow makes out I am paranoid, it is like hitting my head off a brick wall. Every time he has done this eben the first time my intuition told me something was not right, your man has either been up to no good or enjoyes the thought of it, either way it is betrayl and I understand how hurt you must be, what you need to do now is figure out your next step, do you want to confront him? if so have a clear set of questions for him, don't let him manipulate you mind. I onfronted the other woman first obviuosly he has denied everything she told me and it has messed with my head as he then says he can't believe i would believe a stragner over him.
If you do confront him have all the times and dates of calls, you'll know if he's lying.
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Old 08-18-2010, 10:00 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheating husband

It is important to have the undeniable evidence before you confront. The cheater will still get angry and even turn it on you.
But they can't deny when its in black and white.
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Old 08-19-2010, 03:05 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Absolutely do NOT confront until you have gathered all your information first. Now, you need to go into stealth mode and do your searches. Get on his computer, check his internet history (using the inprivate setting on IE8 is great to cover your own tracks), check his e-mails and if you can install a stealthy keylogger while you have access to his computer. Because if you confront to early he'll change his passwords and delete things like you wouldn't believe.

I kept notes on a spreadsheet, printed out all of my husbands online dating profiles, copied everything I could to cd's and I keep them safe and sound out of the house (for just such an emergency). Protect yourself first by digging and getting every bit of evidence first. Then and only then do you confront. But DON'T reveal how you found out and only show about half of what you know. If you reveal all of what you know and he's hiding "more", he'll never admit to the "more."

Good Luck.
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Old 08-22-2010, 01:04 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Devestated1, I will take your suggestion and see what I can do. I think I know his email passwords so I will start there.
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Old 08-24-2010, 01:57 PM   #6 (permalink)
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jaymeroo, make sure when you check his e-mail do not go in through outlook if that's what he uses. It pulls in all the new e-mails and he'll know you were on. Go in through the internet provider site (if the e-mail is through the provider and not yahoo, gmail etc..)

You can also send me a pm and I can give you more tips on the searches that I used.

Good luck!
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Old 08-24-2010, 02:33 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheating husband

Quote:
It is important to have the undeniable evidence before you confront. The cheater will still get angry and even turn it on you.
But they can't deny when its in black and white.
No evidence is undeniable. It can and will be denied. You can catch your spouse in bed with the other person and they will deny it. The purpose of gathering evidence is NOT in order to get your cheating spouse to admit they were doing wrong (although that would be nice!)

The purpose is to prove to YOU that the affair is going on. Until you believe it, you won't take the steps necessary to fight for your marriage. So gather evidence until you are sure you have enough. Save it somewhere safe (it can come in handy when you begin to expose the affair.)

But do NOT expect ANY amount of evidence to somehow bring a change of heart to your spouse. That rarely happens. Instead, get it, look it over, decide if it is an affair - and then proceed with the next step.
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Old 08-25-2010, 04:05 PM   #8 (permalink)
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That is what I'm trying to do right now, Tanelornpete. I'm not certain if he is having an affair yet. I went through his emails and did not find anything so far. I will keep monitoring them and his phone.
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Old 08-25-2010, 04:57 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
...I went through his phone and hes been calling some woman around 5 times a day in the early morning hours...
Is this appropriate for a married man?
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Old 08-25-2010, 08:38 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheating husband

While you're trying to figure out what he's up to, you need to consider if there's any legitimate reason that he could be doing this. I'm not trying to make you think he's not cheating, but you need to consider any legitimate excuses he could come up with so that you can search for the proof that he's not doing it for legitimate purposes. That way when he tells you "no, I'm not cheating, I'm...", you can already have what you need to know to know whether or not he's lying, rather than second guessing yourself and wondering if you jumped the gun. I don't see any good reason why he would be doing that, but...you never know, and you never know what he might come up with.
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Old 08-29-2010, 09:10 PM   #11 (permalink)
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He is cheating. I went through his phone and found a text message from that woman. She thanked him for a good time last night and it was clear that she was talking about sex. It is over for him.
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Old 08-30-2010, 01:15 AM   #12 (permalink)
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I'm sorry jaymeroo. Good luck. Its a tough road you're about to face. Grrrrrrrrrrrr. WTF is wrong with people!!! Keep you head up.
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Old 08-30-2010, 05:27 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I am so sorry to hear that you found out he was cheating. What are you going to do? Have you confronted him?

I was in your situation 2 years ago. I was suspecting, well my head was saying what a fool because I had all the evidence I needed but I had to find emails to confirm. I confronted, he denied. Said the emails were jokes. I told him that I am no fool and will not be played for one. In fact when I called him he was actually on a date with her, I told him I knew that too that she was sitting right there because she's a neighbor I saw her leave as soon as he did. I told him he chose his new life, enjoy it but he no longer lives here. I changed the locks before he could get home. This was the best decision I ever made.

He came home, locked out. I let him take a few of his things and told him to leave. He asked where? I said it was no longer my problem just go. He could come back later to get the rest of his things and we'd then figure out what was best for the kids. I would no longer let him treat me that way. He started yelling at me on the phone so I actually left the house with my son and when he got home to changed locks, no wife, no child...he went pretty frantic. He left but then called and begged me to go to counseling.

Its been a tough road but we are back together. I still suffer a lot because this was no quick affair, I found out later they'd played me for a fool for a long time. I was absolutely prepared to divorce him, none of this was any idol threat he managed to change my mind because the one thing he always refused to do was try counseling, now he was suggesting it. I layed out the terms he could NEVER speak to her again, must have full disclosure, and could not drop out of the counseling.

He does not contact her and wants nothing to do with her though she has tried. Full disclosure...well took a year and that's been really hurting us to rebuild trust and he did not drop the counseling and he has been a better husband since.

So here is my advice to you. Do not allow him to blame you. They always try to make it your fault (he tried, and I simply cut him off would not argue)...do not argue back with him just don't allow him to blame you, hang up, walk away, tell him you are not going to have that conversation. HE is responsible for the affair, not you. If you have children, go see a lawyer, protect your rights. Set up a separate bank account now. If he makes promises in order to reconcile, then breaks them such as continued contact, then its a no tolerance. Leave him. So now you decide if he's worth staying for or not. But irregardless, work on you FOR you. This saved me. I decided I wanted to be a better person, I wanted to handle this break up like an adult and I needed an outlet. I did 2 things, I got a support system (I'd been very isolated due to busy at work, kids, husband, etc.) and I joined a single mom's group, great group of women they saved my life! They gave me the courage I needed. 2) I began to work out, I ended up liking running. Today I run 1/2 marathons and enjoy the heck out of it and meet new people all the time. My husband joined me for awhile but an injury has now sidelined him, but not stopped me. I am proud of me now, I emerged as someone with an identity not just his wife, my kids' mom, employee etc. which happens so frequently to women we are so busy taking care of everyone else...
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Old 08-30-2010, 09:26 PM   #14 (permalink)
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AZMOMOFTWO,

ROCK ON WOMAN! Wow. You are simply amazing. I tip my hat to you.
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Old 08-31-2010, 07:15 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Sorry to hear he is cheating. This is going to be a rocky road for a while.
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