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I was an OM once - do you have any questions?

29K views 269 replies 55 participants last post by  alte Dame 
#1 ·
I was an OM who married his lover (I was single). We had two kids together. After 8 years of being together, she cheated and left me for someone else. I became the BS.

I'm happy to answer any questions you have about the OM mindset as I experienced it.
 
#185 ·
just as there are many kinds of WS there is also many kinds of OM/OW.

some of them are also victims, this is in mosts cases applies with woman who are lied about the marital status of the person or deceived in the sense that divorce prodecedure is on going.

still becoming a third party is wrong but I undesrtand in your situation how you saw if you were just being part in something unavoidable.

we (including me) always see OMs as and evil entities without remorse, morals and values, although the set of mind is not the same for every OM.

Is not the same being a marital preadator as "findingmyway" who enjoyed scoring many married women at the same time and did not care what happened to them after he had his fun, that being a OM as "pastOM" who was truly in love with the WS who lied to him and she was the one making advances and deceiving him telling him how awfull and abusive her husband was, he was prepared to buy a house in the same district as the BH to facilatate the coparenting and was prepared to pay for IC for her kids he read tons of articles of hos to facilitate the relationship wit the BH, and when he recieved the NC letter of how she hurt her marvelous husband with him, "pastOM" realized that he was played and almost attempted suicide and lost evertyhing for her.

I have many times read threads here where all of us demonize the OMs and talk about the WS as being in the fog, but in many cases I think that in fact was the WS the agresor and probably the OM is buying all the crap about she being a victim of a abusive spouse (still messing with a third party is wrong but the real manipulation comes for the WS).
 
#187 · (Edited)
I know I should not, but I will endulge myself respoding you once more time mister perfect.

before and after my experience, I had also been hit many times by women in relationships (married, with BF) I also "as you proudly brag about it" reject them and even lost a friendship for being honest with a close friend, is not the same being hit one or twice that being pursued day after day for a long period, for you may sound as excuse, but it was like that, I never allowed proximity or intamacy with her and much less when we were alone until it happened, I still failed and accept it as I accept my failures, I have never been unfaithful in my side but I was a third party once and that brought me here.

but I guess that you in your absolute perfection would have been able to act different, good for you is a shame that you will never find a person as perfect as you.
 
#191 ·
thank you for making yourself avail for questions. My wh was also an om as she was engaged.my questkon is...how do bs tell if their wh loved the ow? I was given so many lies deflections etc.he said he liked her had a crush on her. But did not fall in love. I dont buy that. He says his feelings for me were pretty much gone prior. Is their signs for bs to decipher if it was a fwb or love. He said as a deflection ...i didnt fall in love. I need sex to fall in love. Thats when he admitted to the friendship. Post dday i asked. He said no because only 6-7 occasions of sex due to busy schedule. Her looks. He said he ashamed of how she looked. Thats why i never thought truly he would. I know her. But he could not break up friendship and moved out. She was engaged to someone else supposedly. And moved two years after he moved out to her second fiance. It still bugs me not knowing.
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#192 ·
thank you for making yourself avail for questions. My wh was also an om as she was engaged.my questkon is...how do bs tell if their wh loved the ow? I was given so many lies deflections etc.he said he liked her had a crush on her. But did not fall in love. I dont buy that. He says his feelings for me were pretty much gone prior. Is their signs for bs to decipher if it was a fwb or love. He said as a deflection ...i didnt fall in love. I need sex to fall in love. Thats when he admitted to the friendship. Post dday i asked. He said no because only 6-7 occasions of sex due to busy schedule. Her looks. He said he ashamed of how she looked. Thats why i never thought truly he would. I know her. But he could not break up friendship and moved out. She was engaged to someone else supposedly. And moved two years after he moved out to her second fiance. It still bugs me not knowing.
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As a OM and BS, I can't really answer that.

He had an EA which became a PA.

He's lying to you about the humber of times. Without fault, they lie about the number of times. If was 6 or 7 times, he should be tell you whether it was 6 or 7. Where it was, when it was, what they did.

You may never get the truth out of him. Whether he told her "I love you" or not, and really.. whether he actually meant it or just said it at the time.

You sound like you are still in a lot of pain. I hope you are both in counseling and I hope your H is being remorseful and transparent. Doesn't sound like he is. He's still hiding what it really meant to him.
 
#193 ·
when he first confessed he asked if i wanted to know. He said six different times but a few if them were hotels. After wk then first thing in am before noon. So really one occasion is two days. He now offering M counseling as a desperate last ditch attempt. This is painful as i wirked w her and everyone knows. Its sucks when others know more about spouse than you do. I feel still humiliated n violated. Cheaters expose private marital info. He just offered the counseling a few mins ago. I said no. I abs hate him. Or i feel abs hatred of him for the amt if disrespect..stonewalling..so much more.
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#197 ·
If this relationship went to pieces a while or so down the line, would you reconcile with her?
 
#207 ·
It's too difficult to say yes or no.

NO, because I understand the hurt it causes. Too many people have been hurt.

YES, because I wouldn't know my children if I had not.


I mean, here I am, nearing 40 and "stuck" in a foreign country where I am not fluent, I'm divorced and missing my kids half the time and limited job opportunities. I had a beautiful wife whom I adored, a family life and blue skies ahead. To completely honest, if I could turn back the clock, I wouldn't turn it back to when we met and avoid her. I would turn it back to a year before the A, and work on my myself and my marriage. Does that make me evil?
 
#208 ·
If you could still have your same kids, but pass up the section with her, cheating and all and you end up with a great lady who is happy to take care of all of her maritial obligations and is loyal, I'm pretty sure you would've passed it up.

Theres a group cheating right now that I know of, they are 10 years younger than me. I was telling them, that we did the same thing and half the men got set back 5 or 10 years as a result. Also that some of the men where banging the other guys wives through the leverage and the fact their is no honor among thieves.
 
#214 ·
Yea my relationship with my ex started in university we wee both single. I see us as on the same boat (although I was not with a married woman) - but both fell for similar type people. Non commital.....I am just pointing out there were signs and you thought (as did I) you were getting this wonderful person and (although she is a good person) you got a person you did not think you were getting. Again, I am sorry you are here.

I will tell you I am really skeptical of what the opposite gender tell me now.
 
#215 ·
Yea my relationship with my ex started in university we wee both single. I see us as on the same boat (although I was not with a married woman) - but both fell for similar type people. Non commital.....I am just pointing out there were signs and you thought (as did I) you were getting this wonderful person and (although she is a good person) you got a person you did not think you were getting. Again, I am sorry you are here.
I see my ex has a serial monogamist who will latch onto a new serious relationship before letting go of the last one. She lasted 8 years with her first H, then 8 years with me, who knows with the next guy. It's a commitment to a real extent. It's not boyfriend/girlfriend stuff, but its not what marriage is supposed to be, either.

I will tell you I am really skeptical of what the opposite gender tell me now.
At least you're learning this stuff at a younger age than a lot of other people do.
 
#218 ·
Keep in mind also that many people around your age don't understand what an emotional affair is. Many grown people don't either. They never learned proper boundaries and they like attention.

Ask 10 women if women and men can be "just friends". Most will naively say yes.

Ask 10 men the same thing and most will confidently say no, not possible. Only on rare occasions.

And by friends, I mean they talk on the phone together, have lunch together (outside of work), and talk about each other's lives together. I have on two occasions over a twenty year period slipped into friendships with friend's girlfriends where all of a sudden I realized how easily inappropriate it could become. We're human, there's chemistry, it's best not to put yourself in those situations.
 
#219 ·
For the most part, women don't really believe they can be "just" friends, either. What women mean I think is that they can control the relationship, so it remains "just friends," even though the women know the guys would take something more if they could get it.

These are college kids in this link Why Men and Women Cant be friends - YouTube, but I think this type of thinking lingers on through their 20s these days - at least through their 20s. Notice all the women say that men and women can be just friends, but then when asked if their guy friends would have sex with them if given the opportunity, they also all say yes, the guys would hook up with them.
 
#222 ·
StayStrong. Thanks for sharing your story. For what it is worth, I do not agree with those who say you should have known that you were ruining a family by having an affair w/ a married woman and blah blah blah. The fact is that men are biologically programmed to accept any sex that come their way. If you would not have been around to do her, she would have found some other man to do it in no time flat.

The defective person was the woman (your now Ex). If she did not have respect for her marriage, you were under no obligation to enforce it by declining sex with her. She had made her decision to cheat before she even met you. You might not have even been the only one.

The sad truth is that people like your ex exist. They do not care how many lives they F*ck up. They only care about themselves. The best any of us can do is to get lucky and not fall in love w/ someone like that. You are not a bad or immoral person by sleeping w/ a married woman. It is her job not yours to police her own marrital behavior.

I personally dated 3 girls like this before I met my wife of 25 years. Each of them luckily cheated on me before things could get too serious.
 
#225 ·
I agree that it is VERY hard for men to turn down the advances of a married woman. Some women are very adept at seducing in a manner in which they psychologically maintain their own integrity. Hence the KISA syndrome .. men will convince themselves that a woman so 'special' (smart, charming, kind, funny, talented, interesting, erotic) is effectively a lost soul looking for love.

Still, I think it's a cop-out for to say it's not my job for her to police her own marital behavior. It's my job to stick to my own values and not be a part of someone else's immoral behavior.

If anything, she needed to be rejected in that instance, and been told that "you're married, what the hell are you doing?" by ME.
 
#227 ·
damn, I can almost bet my soul that if they don't break up eventually (for betrayal) at least one will betray the other, both serial cheaters with differents kind of patterns, she with at least two affairs on her belt and she seems to cheat when the passion produced by the dopamine runs out, he with at least 3 on his belt and his motive seems to be the thrill that affairs produce.

that combination is like the meth laboratories of the drug dealers, sooner or later they always burn to the core
 
#229 ·
The sad thing is...

A lot of this comes down to a person allowing someone else other than their spouse make them feel 'special'.

Yes, it's the sex, but it's that whole mutual ego boosting which drives it all.

The incessant games, teasing, flirtation, compliments, etc. The courtship.

I'm sure it's easy to get sucked into that if you are insecure and lack boundaries. It seems like fun and it's a thrill. Even if home life is also 'good', why not enjoy this fun on the side, right? It's harmless, right? I'm in control of it, right?

In the end, it's very pathetic, deceptive and immature. And selfish, ultimately selfish.
 
#234 · (Edited)
I have mixed feelings about this whole thread.

Maybe I'm just bitter but I don't feel bad for you at all. You got what was coming to you for being the OM in the first place. What goes around comes around. The fact that you thought a cheater would be faithful to you is a little bit delusional. A relationship based on a lie is more than likely to fail. Clearly, you let your ego trick you into believing that somehow your relationship was special. Most cheaters are done in by their egos.

On top of that, you still don't think you broke up a family just because they had no kids. Maybe the OM doesn't feel it's a "real" family because you only had two kids. Perhaps for him, a real family has three kids. Do you see how stupid that sounds? Who are you to dictate what a family is? If you're married to someone kids or otherwise it's a family and you sir technically were a homewrecker.

With all that said, you seem like a very mature person now. I know full well the sh!tty feeling of being cheated on. I appreciate the thread even though I lack sympathy for you. Hopefully you learned your lession. Too bad it had to be this way. I respect you for coming on here.
 
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#232 ·
I'm only on page 8 atm and I can tell you for me being 1 year past D-Day 1 and just past D-Day 2.. This has been very helpful.

I never got any real answer from my Ex.. I do have some hindsight is 20/20 thoughts about my own relationship and divorce. For a moment I thought I should have went to his house where he lived with his sister and brought my kids to show him and his family what he was helping destroy..

But those thoughts were brief moments of the past..

The reality is I don't give a sh1t about her or this OM she moved in with. I mean I care in the sense I want them punished and their lives ruined in the worst way but I am not looking to distribute this punishment.. Life will do that for me..

But this is a good thread indeed and its not for someone who is still reeling and crushed over the affair. This is for someone who has moved past that point.. I can see myself getting upset with this thread 6 or 7 months ago as well.

I can relate to your PSD issues. Even though I had a promotion my work suffered greatly and still does because of my divorce.. Luckily for me being a cop I just can't get fired that easy.. But only today am I trying to get back into the grove of things at work.

But with therapy every week for over a year and talking to friends and having an extremely understanding girlfriend ( number 2 ) I still have issues..
 
#245 ·
Thanks for offering this. I am wondering: did you ever feel guilty knowing that you had come between a husband and wife? I ask because my husband left me for another woman after 13 years of marriage and my dad left my mom for another woman, so this idea of the psychology of the OM/OW has always fascinated me.

My husband essentially abandoned me and our kids. He came back after a few months, but had no remorse for his EM relationship and still doesn't. He and the girlfriend are still in touch from time to time, texting and emailing back and forth about their lives. I've asked them both to stop because I find it very upsetting and disrespectful, but nothing seems to stop them. I wonder how he can do this to me, as he is the one I'm married to, not her, but I also wonder how she can participate in this knowing that she is the OW. I wonder if guilt is something she experiences or if there are guiltless/remorseless types out there who can have a profoundly negative impact on the lives of others yet feel blameless for any of it. I'm not saying that is a good or bad thing, just that it is possible that some people do not experience remorse and guilt as much as others.
 
#246 ·
You mean to tell me that you took him back after that? And you're letting him continue communicating with her?
 
#249 ·
Bettermarriage... so sad.

He continues to disrespect you because you allow it. He stayed because life after divorce / separation sucks and is harder than sticking out the sludge of day-to-day living.

Even if the prior OW lives far away, the EA continues, and it is only a matter of time before he finds a new AP.

Seriously. WTH are you doing.
 
#251 ·
bettermarriage - Your screen name is poignant. Perhaps being on TAM means that you are taking the first steps toward what you want, which is a better marriage.

Unfortunately, it's a binary proposition. You have to be willing to lose it in order to save it. What the others are saying is so true. Your WH is cake-eating and disrespecting you every minute of every day. If you tell him to stop it or it's divorce, that is your only hope for a better marriage. If he won't cut it off with her, then you divorce and have a better life.
 
#252 ·
I see a theme...

Tell him to cut it off with her. If he doesn't, divorce him.

He'll either, begin to respect you and your marriage over his lover... OR, he'll leave you, then find out at a later date that his lover wasn't worth it. Either way, you'll regain your self respect, and he'll no longer be able to control you like a puppet. When you were in the dark about his affair it was okay to be treated like crap, because they were pretending to be nice to your face. Now they are treating you like crap to your face. Do something about it.
 
#259 ·
bettermarriage..please listen to the advice. My ws stopped the pa but kept up the ea. She had moved on to someone else knowing my ws not leaving wife n kids but they kept thr friendship. I booted him out. He attempted R while keeping in touch w her. He then moves back in against my wishes. All weve had is false R. Ive had to grow a backbone i never had before. Its true you have to truly let them go and if they decide your the most important thing they will show it. I did not know about TAM during my ddays. Being in false R will kill your esteem and leave you feeling empty.
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#260 ·
i was once the OM too, i'm not proud of it, in fact, i wish it never happened. i was a hard worker. early in my 20's. have had a rough life and was kind of depressed and not hanging out with the right crowd .
met a female co worker, she was attractive but i kept my distance and never tried something dumb. how ever she started making advances on me. i did try to resist but when she kissed me, i couldnt resist my self.

during that time, i became close to her and used to ask her questions about her marriage. i asked her why? how can she do that to her husband. her reply was, " He was everything for me and loved him very much with all my heart, but he cheated on me and after that day i lost respect for him and all the love".

i had feelings for this woman at one point, but i talked to my brother about it and he knock some sense in me, that i was doing wrong. then i realized and broke the relationship i had with her.

now, i'm 10 years older and realize how wrong i have been. I prayed for forgiveness.

the other day i seen pics of the lady with a younger man, i'm guessing she never changed her ways.
 
#263 · (Edited)
Just finished catching up..

Again great thread, good insight into the OM head and such.

Again I don't think this thread is for someone who is still hurting about the affair their ex had.. My D-Day was sept 25, 2012 and my 2nd D-Day was December 30th 2012.. My wife didn't leave my house until April 6th 2013.. Those 4 months were the longest most painful time of my life.. From not wanting her to go to the point of I couldn't wait for her to leave.. As painful as it was her leaving I actually felt better in many ways as I didn't know or have to worry what she was doing anymore. I think her getting a phone call at him from the other man every day and her leaving to fvck him and then come back home to me and the kids was more painful then anything I have ever had to endure.. Being a cop I had to stfu and endure it.. One phone call would have completely ruined my career and any future I had..

SS as for taking meds.. I cannot take meds due to my job in law enforcement.. I do therapy once a week and learn to talk stuff out..

My largest issue ATM is anger.. I can fly off the handle.. I basically have to go all the way to the top of the anger mountain to calm down.. I am learning to go half way and just stop.. But it is hard at times.

My relationship with my ex is horrible. I honestly could not tell you exactly the last time we spoke on the phone or in person. Everything is in text messages and nothing is ever good..

I would like to agree that having an affair is usually for young foolish people but my ex which is older then me is pushing 50 this year and the OM whom has never been married or had kids is pushing 55 and is 9 years older then me.

The one good thing is I was able to tell my ex off today via text.. I was able to tell her I finally realized her life sucks and that I know she also knows her life sucks.. She lost her kids.. All her family and is stuck with a man who could give 2 sh1ts about my kids along with his family that couldn't give a sh1t about my kids either..

I told her what kind of mother would allow some man to put a wedge between her and her kids..

The one big thing I learned which I tell her is the following

It is was not my job to make you know why you should love me. That was your job to see and know why you should love me.

It was your job to see the good man I was..

It was my job to love you regardless, even when you didn't love yourself. Even when you looked to cheat on me in the past I still stood by your side and seen the good person you were inside even when you couldn't..

I did my job as a husband and as a man..

You failed me, You failed your family and you failed yourself..

This is your sh1tty life now, enjoy it..

The most the OM ever told me " You know what you did wrong, you don't need for me to tell you.. You know what you did wrong to lose her."

And "I never did anything wrong to you"

I never answered him back, but I expressed to my EX that I can see how guilty he feels with his comments.. That it kills him to know he is a piece of sh1t and that it kills him to see that I know it as well.

My question which I haven't seen asked is the following;

Has anyone ever asked how you met ?
If so, I would imagine you lied.. What did you say ?

I ask because that is one of the things I pushed on her.. I tell her how will you introduce him to people ? "Oh, its funny how we met.. I had an affair with him while I was married."

In many respects my Ex is also like other here.. Being together for 19 years and 14 of them married.. I really have come to the realization that she never loved me and just went along with this roller coaster.. We dated 5 years and I put her through college. Her family was moving out of state. I think she fell out of love while we were dating and just felt compelled to do things.. I think she faked it as she was caught several times by me looking to have an affair..

Again those are the times I caught her. Who actually knows how many she successfully had that I don't know about.

Nonetheless I think she just dragged it out as long as she could and then popped.. But when she popped, she became the most ruthless uncaring person I have ever seen. She not only had the affair and continued during our fake reconciliation. But also became even more heartless when it was really over.. I just never thought she could ever treat me like that.. I asked her repeatedly why she did certain things to hurt me and just never had an answer.. She literally went mute on me..

But again today I have come to realize her life is a sham and its not all rainbows and unicorns. I really did believe that they would get together months after she left and just talk about what an loser I was and laugh about me, but I finally realized that her losing her kids and them being with me shows her what a piece of sh1t she really is..
 
#264 ·
My question which I haven't seen asked is the following;

Has anyone ever asked how you met ?
If so, I would imagine you lied.. What did you say ?

I ask because that is one of the things I pushed on her.. I tell her how will you introduce him to people ? "Oh, its funny how we met.. I had an affair with him while I was married."
No, they usually tell the truth, but leave out the ugly part about the affair. Or water down the affair part. It seemed very important to most women I've known to have an acceptable "how we met" story.

"We met while we were both on a mountain climbing trip to the Alps."

"I was separated from my husband, in the process of leaving my husband, and I met this really nice guy who was only my friend who helped me out and gave me support. After the divorce was final, the friendship turned into something more."

What was the story you and the ex told, staystrong?

What story do you think she tells other people now about how she came to be with the other man?
 
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